Husband and baby - coping methods?

kvruns · December 2016

anyone else with a DH/SO who has trouble coping with the fussy baby? Our baby doesn't sleep well and is up a lot of the night. Lately (past 5-6 days) he's having a lot more fussiness and crying uncontrollably. We think it is gas/colic and nothing is working. My DH can't handle it and sometimes snaps after 5 min of crying and starts cussing and getting pissed. Fortunately he will give me the baby and not do anything troubling but it is tough to witness and I fear he will resent the kid. Not to mention I get 0 sleep or break during these times.

He he has a temper and it flared before this baby at times which were upsetting to me and concerns me now with baby. I asked him if part of it is bc he feels helpless calming the baby and he said yes. And he gets mad that the baby calmed with me after he handed him off, I know it makes him feel even worse. I just don't know what to do.

I also fear this is going to spiral me into PPD, I had pretty bad baby blues for 1-1.5 weeks and was able to come out of it but this new fussy/crying all evening and my H issues are causing me to cry a ton

leighry · December 2016

Is this your first baby? I feel like my husband had trouble soothing our first but after a couple weeks of me making him spend more time with her he figured it out, and trouble dealing with our 2nd crying "all the time" Which was corrected once we figured out she had reflux and put her on zantac. our 3rd was a dream baby but I also never woke him to help me at nice since she was breastfed exclusively and he never had her during the day. this kiddo is like our 3rd. I also don't wake him during the night since I'm breastfeeding again but he seems calmer during the day on the weekends when I need his help. hopefully this will get better for you. I wish I had some helpful tips for you!

kvruns · December 2016

@leighry
yep our first. He did well with him at first as long as he's not uncontrollably crying like lately. We've been doing gas drops the last 24 hours so I hope it helps. I still wonder if he has reflux but he doesn't spit up so I'm not sure. If the crying keeps up I really worry about things

cgss11 · December 2016

Lurking from December, but my husband wears ear plugs. I made fun of him at first but he says it muffles the sound enough for him to not get so overwhelmed as easily.

rebekahrathe · December 2016

So sorry you are dealing with this! Babies go through different times when they are more fussy then others. Being over stimulated is another reason that can cause fussiness. I have used a product called colic-calm. It's black, it looks scary when giving to ur baby but it has helped us for upset tummies. As for your hubby, we found out that for us, it's harder for my hubby to bond with the baby this young. My babies have been breastfed so there is a lot of bonding that happens during that time. Around a month I started to use bottles a little so he could have some one on one time. Our oldest now is 15 months and my husband and her have the best bond!! As she got older and could interact more it got easier for them to bond. I hope this helps, good luck!!

leighry · December 2016

@kvruns our daughter never really spit up but was very very fussy with feedings especially. like we would go to feed her and she would arch her back away from the bottle and scream (we couldn't nurse because she wouldn't latch). we tried different formulas and bottles to help with gas and finally got her on zantac which is what seemed to help the most. then she was just a normally fussy baby and it was definitely better.

BabySunshine4 · December 2016

Lurker from October, my baby went through a phase of inconsolable crying for a couple of weeks, similar to PURPLE Crying. This made it hard for DH and my self to bond with the baby. I would just swaddle the baby and hold him tight towards me while walking around the house every night. During this time LO's doctor also suggest propping up his bassinet mattress to help him sleep at night. He has slowly outgrown that phase (9 weeks now) but still has some fussy nights here and there.

SandNStarsNJ · December 2016

I can't say that I have any real advice, but I can stand in solidarity that with our first my husband was very overwhelmed every time the baby got upset. It happened almost every day like clockwork at 5pm where DD would scream relentlessly and was inconsolable - he was work exhausted and I was baby exhausted and it was never an awesome combination. Not to mention she was insanely gassy. In fact, at one point, much to my dismay, his "bonding" was putting DD in her baby cushion between his legs while he played video games. Once we started being more "normal" again and going out and she got more expressive he really started to bond naturally and put away the video games, which admittedly took to about the end of two months.

This time he's better though still sometimes frustrated. Having seen it happen though I know to just swoop in before he can't handle it. But he's bonding in his own way, which is not my way, but that doesn't really matter. I think the learning curve is more intense for them because they haven't already spent 10 months with the baby being "real" - or at least that's what DH tells me.

PrettyPalomino · December 2016

Im a FTM and have learned that this is by far the most challenging period of a relationship. It will test you. I think the important thing is to keep an open dialogue about what parts you both find hard, what you like about having a newborn (and celebrating those moments - for us it's bath time because she actually likes it) and what you don't like. Being honest with each other about the struggles without judgement, and then verbally expressing a plan or at least what you're going to try next to make things better. It makes you feel like you're on the same page, making the decisions together (ie: "why don't we try a pacifier tonight if she's like this again") and when things work you'll both feel proud.

I'm a type A control freak but I went into this knowing I couldn't just pull rank because it would alienate him. Sometimes he holds her weird or does weird things but I make sure not to say anything because he's still learning and it won't harm her. It's easy for men to feel like it's not their place to care for a baby, so try everything in your power to make him feel like he's doing the right thing, and slowly his confidence will build.

Just remember to keep it in perspective, this is a very temporary state. What's a couple of sleepless months out of a whole lifetime? It's not worth damaging a relationship. Just stay focused together, you're on a joint mission to keep a baby alive and I'm 110% certain you will succeed together

desoky01 · January 2017

I've been having DH/dad issues over here too. H struggles with any fussiness from LO. Luckily LO has been super great, and isn't too fussy very often. His fussiness has been increasing, however, and I think H is struggling more and more. I have been worried about returning to work, because I don't want to have to leave LO with H alone for so long each day. I know H won't hurt LO, but I worry that he will be super unhappy or will yell at LO. He also definitely gets overwhelmed and will just set LO down to cry instead of cuddling him. I struggle with trying not to step in too often, but I don't like leaving LO just crying. To top it off, H had surgery for a torn ACL on Monday and has to deal with that. So I'm trying to do everything, and I don't even feel like I can let H hold LO for long periods of time because LO gets fussy. I've probably made it worse stepping in too often, because LO seems to get fussy now unless I'm around, which just makes it harder for H. I'm extremely sad tonight, and worrying about the future. I went down to do laundry and left LO crying with H and heard him yell STOP at LO while I was downstairs. Now I feel like I need to have a talk with him, and I don't even know where to begin or how to talk about it. I know H isn't a bad father for this, and we're both going through a ton right now and have in the whole past year (H had a return of testicular cancer and required surgery and chemo to remove cancer from lymph nodes in his abdomen.) I just feel so sad and worried. Anyway, sorry for the novel. I guess I really needed to let it out!

kvruns · January 2017

@desoky01 hugs to you this sounds like mine too. I also struggle with wanting to step in and also wanting to let him try his way. We've had some talks but we are still a long way from a solution. I too worry about long stretches of them together or LO fussiness getting worse (he's in a good place right now) and it setting him off.

I definitely think you need to talk about it or if he has friends with newer babies try to work that angle so he knows it isn't just him

SandNStarsNJ · January 2017

I am so sorry to hear of your very rough winter, @desoky01. Weird internet hugs to you!

I can certainly empathize on the frustrations with our DH and baby bonding from my experience with our first LO. What I came to discover - and I realize this doesn't hold true for everyone - is that I had become such a baby control freak that I was unable to see/trust DH to do things a different way. So for starters, when he came home from work or was with LO, I would go do something else out of sight (read, pump, empty the dishwasher) so that I wasn't privy to his style (i.e. the things that bothered me) and he could bond freely without interruption.

That bonding without my input or tips or even relief started to make him need to troubleshoot issues and invite my input. He basically needed to decide if things weren't working for him before we reached a point of stasis. And it still holds true with that child who is now 2.5. He didn't think she needed a schedule or a consistent bedtime, so I busied myself with cleaning up dinner and preparing lunches until he realized that a minute past 7pm makes our DD a terribly human being. And now, he enforcers the bedtime. Same with our 6 week old. For weeks I had told him walking around and holding him close soothes him when he gets really upset and he would never try it. So I started cleaning up dinner and giving DD her bath when he'd get fussy, leaving DH to make the decision for himself. Amd sure enough, guess who is pacing the floors right now with a calm LO?

It doesn't always workout that "my way" is the way; there are quite a few things we do differently with the kids. But I did have to become aware of the fact that I was feeling the need to control everything and that was affecting DH ability to find his position. Sometimes we just have to let go.

kvruns · January 2017

@SandNStarsNJ I absolutely agree on the baby control freak and that it inhibits mine from figuring some stuff out. I try to step away some but the way our house is I can always hear if he's crying which then doesn't help but i
am trying better to let him do it his way.

Had my H not had some of his big temper issues I'd definitely be like "suck it up and figure it out" and have him learn the hard way that XYZ does not quiet the baby he will keep screaming in your ear. Unfortunately that screaming / inability to console is what leads to my H losing it so I feel like it is a very delicate balance which sucks for me on letting him try to manage vs needing to step in before baby gets too upset and so does H.

MrsMaryK2016 · January 2017

@kvruns Maybe it's none of my business but you've said before that you're not afraid your H will hurt the baby but then you seem to always be tip toeing around your H's temper. What are you afraid he'll do if you just leave him to deal with the baby? I only ask because it might be beneficial for him to be put in that situation. Maybe he'll learn something about himself and how to comfort LO in the process.

kvruns · January 2017

@MrsMaryK2016 I'm honestly not sure. I'd like to think he would put baby in crib to let him cry if it got too bad. But when it's happened and I'm here he flings the kid at me and says I'm about to lose it and makes some bad comment about the baby. I think he has a fear himself he might get too rough in anger

Just now: baby just started screaming and he was just patting him harder and harder and I sat there. I could see H face getting angry and he was getting rough. So I walked over and said you're getting rough can I try to calm him. He hands me baby gets up and goes " just take him what the fuck to I care. What the fuck do I care!!!" And stormed off and slammed the door.

So so I could have sat and let him keep baby crying bc he's not calming him well and baby is getting worse. But me stepping in makes him feel like he can't do it and we are back to square 1. He's been trying so hard to bond this last week and stuff which is awesome but yesterday and today baby is fussy and his resolve was wearing down. I guarantee he will want nothing to do with baby rest of weekend and it will be tough to get him out of this mood today.

desoky01 · January 2017

I definitely need to give H more time, and credit, with LO. We talked later in the evening after my post and he talked about how much I've been buffering between him and LO, and how I often won't let them just figure it out and feel their emotions. Growing up my mom was very angry and yelled a lot, so I have terrible anxiety when people are angry or upset. Our talk was good, it helped me realize I need to let them figure things out. It's so hard to step away and let them do that, but I definitely need to practice and get better at it. I also know our stress levels have been high with the surgery, and that H can't really walk away when he needs right now, or move around to help soothe LO. I know it will get better. Obviously I'm feeling better tonight!

kvruns · January 2017

Sounds good @desoky01 glad you talked

lajoliedreamer · January 2017

@kvruns how are things going? I just read through this post and thought I'd give my two cents, as late as it is from your original post. I have anxiety and am someone who doesn't do well on little sleep, so I can overreact when LO is fussy. Sometimes I find myself squeezing her just a little tighter than I should when it's 2 am and she won't stop screaming (thankfully now that she's 3 mos this doesn't occur much anymore), or saying "are you fucking kidding me??" to her when she wakes up sooner than I expect her to. Pre-baby, I would get anxious about things (such as an omelette falling apart while I'm making it), and do things like throw the spatula down so hard on the stovetop that it would go flying and yelling at DH when he tried to help. I learned to get more control over myself once I went to therapy. I have much healthier coping mechanisms, and I'm better at asking DH to take over if I feel myself losing control (5 years ago my pride would have gotten in the way which is bad for everyone). If you haven't already, I strongly recommend you try to connect your H to a therapist to talk things over. Life is stressful, and I think everyone could use a session with a good therapist sometimes. (A note on that - though I got something from all my therapists, it took me three tries to find one that I really felt helped me grow as a person, so don't be disheartened if the first try isn't what you'd hope.) If one of your jobs has an EAP, you might be able to get 3 sessions for free.

kvruns · January 2017

@lajoliedreamer thanks so much for your post, that was extremely helpful. It definitely sounds like you have struggled with some of the same things (for instance he was just trying to adjust his new watch band and it wasn't working and he kept getting mad/cussing/hitting it and finally just threw it in the trash in anger).

He is basically taking a backseat to any baby care and I'm doing it all 24/7. He will occassionally hold him or play with him a little bit but it is few and far between and if he starts to fuss my H is done. It's still at the point of not being able to leave the baby with him which sucks (he doesn't trust himself not to get mad and accidentally do something to hurt baby). We did start going to therapy, tonight was day 2 and the therapist does a good job reminding him that the baby isn't the real problem, the real problem is the anger/sadness/whatever my H is holding in and that the baby triggers it. He has a lot of issues from his past and thus far doesn't seem like he wants to work too hard to truly fix it so we will see if he does or not. He's said more than once he doesn't really love the baby even though he wants to and today admitted that he loves the dog a lot more than the baby, which I am not surprised to hear but it is still very difficult to hear all of his comments like that and still want to have anything to do with trying to make this a family. So for now I'm in a holding pattern. If he has blow ups again or I feel unsafe I'm leaving. If he doesn't continue to get help and chooses to barely be in this baby's life I'm not sure how long I can hang on either because at some point the baby will know daddy doesn't want much to do with him

lajoliedreamer · January 2017

I'm so sorry you're going through this @kvruns. Of course I'm not his therapist, but it does sound like serious anxiety to me. It can cause depression as well and the lack of attachment could be part of that. It may be a hard sell, but there are good anxiety medications out there that can be life-changing. Maybe bring it up at your next therapy appt and if the therapist agrees, your general practioner should be able to prescribe it (assuming you aren't seeing a therapist who can prescribe). Ultimately, you need to do whatever necessary to keep your baby (and yourself) safe, but I hope that he really dedicates himself to trying to be a better member of your family. *hugs*

kvruns · January 2017

Thanks @lajoliedreamer the therapist did mention mess to him and he instantly said I don't do meds (he rarely takes Tylenol or anything). Therapist said well in this case it might be a good idea and I agree but I don't think he's open

lajoliedreamer · January 2017

@kvruns If I were you, I would consider an ultimatum - try the meds, or lose your family. If he genuinely wants to make this work, he should be willing to try anything, even things out of his comfort zone like medication. I feel the same way about medication, but I know that sometimes it's necessary to get a handle on myself again. There is no shame in it. I don't know your religious leanings, but I'm praying for you and your husband.

leighry · January 2017

@kvruns I wish I could do something to help you! And I hope for you and your baby's sake your s.o. will do whatever it takes to decrease his anxiety. Please keep us posted!

As @lajoliedreamer said, and I think most parents can relate to, I myself have had moments where I let f bombs fly or find myself getting so irritated I need to walk away.. but there are lots of ways to cope so I hope he finds one that works well for him!

kvruns · January 2017

Thanks @leighry

jsmai · February 2017

I just got sent out of the room by hubby while he was feeding her a bottle. Guess I was stressing him out. He's trying to build daddy confidence and I'm trying to stay out of the way as much as I can but I'm still a little nervous from the days when he would curse in frustration. So now I'm nonchalantly stalking them from the kitchen.

Want a personalized experience?

Husband and baby - coping methods?

Re: Husband and baby - coping methods?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards