Anxiety and Gender Pressure

JainaTenel · December 2016

Anyone else feeling anxiety over finding out the gender of their little one?

I currently have a 1year old baby boy and am about 2 weeks away from my anatomy scan. DH and I would really like for this baby to be a girl. The problem is so would the great grandmother, grandparents (both sets), my sister and the rest of the family (the last girl born in my family is graduating college this month and DH is one of three boys).

We each have two nephews, so this would be the first granddaughter for both of our parents. The pressure is starting to eat at me and it is all I can think about. I am just wondering if there was anyone else in the same boat or am I out on an island by myself.

andrea0418 · December 2016

I felt some pressure when pregnant with ds. There are 10 grandchildren on my dads side. Only 1 boy. Of those cousins they all had girls so far. Everyone would have been happy either way but obviously were excited to get a boy in the family.

KirstinH88 · December 2016

I can definitely understand your desires to have a girl. I would not necessarily say it crossed over into anxiety, but I REALLY wanted a girl. DH had two sons before we got together and then we had another son. The last girl born into DH's family is currently 19. Its definitely something that EVERYONE in our family's wanted for us, but God, the universe, biology (whatever you want to pick) had different plans for us and we are having another boy (Yep, 4 boys). At first I was pretty disappointed (as well as everyone else in the family). I've known we are having a boy for 5 weeks now (we found out early) and now the disappointment is over and we have all moved on and are so excited for this new little boy to come and join the fun.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself. What's done is done. There is no changing the sex now. Everyone will LOVE the new baby no matter what parts he/she ends up having. Maybe when you and DH find out, keep a low profile and don't tell anyone for a while. That way you both have time to get over whatever disappointment there may be and you can be happy to announce it to the family. This next sentence may seem a little hokey pokey, but after having a loss earlier this year, babies are a huge blessing no matter the sex.

pinkshades05 · December 2016

On my DH's side of the family, we have the only grandchildren and we were blessed with 2 beautiful girls. This third one we were both feeling that anxiety for a boy. We normally wait till the baby is born before finding out, but not this time. We are expecting a boy this time which we are excited about but we also spent a lot of time preparing mentally if we had another girl. We'd celebrate her but we'd also mourn for the boy we would never have.

Koukonei · December 2016

My mom told me that when I was pregnant with DS that she would be more excited if he was a girl. One of the many reasons we have decided not to tell anyone we're having one of each this time is because I know certain people would act more happy about our daughter than our son. Pisses me right off so now I don't have to deal with it lol!

mermaidylady · December 2016

I was in a similar boat. I have a 2 year old boy and was really hoping for a girl this time around. DH and I only want two kids so this was my last shot at a daughter. My mom, my grandma, and all my friends were all convinced this was a girl and it got me feeling that way as well.

Our AS was a month ago and I'm having another boy. I'll admit I was disappointed, and the reaction from my mom and others didn't help my feelings much. I cried for two days. It was really like a mourning period for the daughter I'll never have. But after a week or so the sadness went away, and now I'm excited for my DS to have a brother.

Don't feel badly if you have any gender disappointment. Allow yourself to feel however you need to feel. It will pass and you'll be happy in time!

lovelongdog06 · December 2016

I have a 2 year old DS and I didn't realize how much I was hoping for a girl until the tech said boy. I'm thrilled my boys will have each other as brothers, but we only planned for two babies, so that meant I'll never have a chance to mother a girl. I shed so many tears we're now rethinking "two and through", but finances are a big factor. It's been a few weeks and I'm still a little bummed, but we have a name tentatively picked and I've bought a couple things for him. I'd be lying if I said I was totally over it, but I'm finally getting excited to meet him.

rachelgreene-2 · December 2016

This is my first but my parents and sister are hoping for a girl. My sister has two boys and one girl with another boy on the way so everyone is hoping for a girl. This is the first for my in laws so they are just happy either way.

We're team green but a part of me feels like Bean will be a boy. I would be estatic either way but I hate dissipointing other people as silly as it sounds.

smallanimal · December 2016

My husband has 3 brothers. I have one sister. No matter what we were getting, one side would be ecstatic - this time it's my parents, I think my dad is getting ready with boy toys now!

Please try not to put yourself under pressure. First of all, it's never been your fault or merit - it's your man that determines the sex of the baby

And there really isn't anything anyone can do about it. Maybe tell them gently to lay off the pressure, it is the last thing you need right now...

SnarkasaurusRex · December 2016

I feel ya. DH's family has 4 boys (including DS) under 3. My family has 3 boys (including DS). My MIL only had boys. My step-FIL has been wanting a girl SO BAD, because he had daughters and wanted a granddaughter too. DH and I both wanted this baby to be a girl. I felt like an ass during my AS because the tech asked if we were hoping one way or the other, and I said that we were hoping for a girl. In our case, it was a huge relief because this baby is a girl!

But, gender disappointment is a very real thing and it is 100% okay. I was disappointed when DS was a girl, I'll admit. You do basically need a grieving period, and it is a pretty weird thing. The feeling passes pretty quickly though, for you and your family members. Honestly, several members of our family were disappointed that this one is a girl because we've joked FOREVER about the boys forming a basketball team (not that a girl can't play basketball).

Bottom line, someone is probably going to be disappointed (no matter what you wind up with), but there is LITERALLY nothing you can do about it. The sex of the baby is determined at conception by the sperm that gets there first. If people give you grief about it, blame your DH. It really is his fault.

Ekzerr · December 2016

DH has 2 brothers and his granny only had 2 boys (his dad and uncle) AND she only had 4 brothers so when we were pregnant the first time there was big pressure to have a girl...which we did so everyone was very excited. But then 4 months later DH's brother's girlfriend had another boy, so there is again big pressure for another girl! We will hopefully find out today if baby cooperates but I'm nervous for his family to find out. My family will be thrilled either way so that helps take away some of the anxiety around finding out.

Magheeta · December 2016

I hate the fact that families put so much pressure on you about the sex of your baby. Like you have any control over it whatsoever. As much as I would love to know what we're having, this is a big reason I wanted to stay team green this time around. I honestly don't care what we have because I know that it's not a decision that is up to me. It's hard for me to understand how people get so emotionally invested in something that lacks any control, but they do, and we have to do our best to deal with it. I'm sorry you're feeling stressed, but I hope you can find a way to easy your anxiety through knowing that this baby will be PERFECT whether it's a boy or a girl. Sending you a big hug, and who knows, maybe it won't be anything to stress about after all!

JainaTenel · December 2016

Thanks so much Ladies - I was feeling like I was a horrible person for all of the anxiety that I felt. We are definitely on team "two and through" because I was the oldest of four (too many for us) and DH was the middle of three (not a good spot either). It has been pretty stressful, especially when FIL states "the second son in our family only has boys" - and DH is the second son. I have my US scheduled for the 20th of this month, but for the sanity of myself and DH, we haven't told our family and even said it would be after Christmas. I thought it would be better for the two of us if we had some time to keep the news to ourselves (and possibly to grieve if we weren't going to have the daughter that we both desperately want.) Thank you again everyone. You have no idea how much this conversation has helped me.

cafedisco · December 2016

Magheeta said:

I hate the fact that families put so much pressure on you about the sex of your baby. Like you have any control over it whatsoever. As much as I would love to know what we're having, this is a big reason I wanted to stay team green this time around. I honestly don't care what we have because I know that it's not a decision that is up to me. It's hard for me to understand how people get so emotionally invested in something that lacks any control, but they do, and we have to do our best to deal with it. I'm sorry you're feeling stressed, but I hope you can find a way to easy your anxiety through knowing that this baby will be PERFECT whether it's a boy or a girl. Sending you a big hug, and who knows, maybe it won't be anything to stress about after all!

ITA. I also don't like how many assumptions it means about how the child will act or how we will treat the child. I know gender disappointment is valid thing for parents, but it feels presumptuous coming from anyone else. But that's a different conversation.

@JainaTenel You could also just not tell anyone until baby arrives...I think it's a lot harder for people to be negative if it's a baby they are holding in their arms. I think it's great that you're giving yourself time after your AS if you need it before telling anyone. Keep us posted.

chelle087 · December 2016

There have been a long string of boys on DHs side, starting with our DS. Everyone was saying and hoping for a girl for us this time around. It's a boy and we told them. Everyone is still thrilled and happy that he appears to be healthy at this point.

DH and I did not have a preference for this baby. We also experienced a loss earlier this year, and we're and are most definitely just hoping for a healthy baby. Boy or girl didn't make a difference for us.

DS on the other hand had very strong opinions about having a brother, so had this baby been a girl we may have had a few tantrums to deal with!

HGRich · December 2016

I'm having the first grandbaby and niece all around so there really wasn't pressure, though the future grandpas both did express that they hoped it was a boy. But because DH is the only boy in a family of girls, there's some pressure to have at least one boy at some point. Of course I'd like to have one anyway. Reading y'alls stories makes me nervous for that kind of pressure later. But since we're just getting started having kids and DH's sisters haven't had any, I'm hoping there won't be too much pressure or at least that people don't say much.

MWoodside · December 2016

I am so glad neither my family or a DH's family has ever made any comments like this. I would probably flip out.

jennielynn+ · December 2016

Gender disappointment is real but, not lasting. I have a girl and really wanted to experience raising a son. We are having another girl. I was bummed but, I remember, just because she is a girl will not make me love this baby any less. Same with your family. They will not love the baby any less once they arrive.

pammasu0909 · December 2016

One of the biggest reasons I wanted a third was so my daughter could have a sister - something I didn't have with 3 brothers and a bunch of male cousins. We're having a boy this time. Part of me is relieved because for us boys have been easier, but part of me really, really wanted another girl. I had similar gender disappointment with my first. It will take time, but I know everything will work out in the end.

ETA I think I haven't accepted it yet because we haven't told anyone the sex so people keep guessing girl. Maybe I should start telling people haha.

Cook3133 · December 2016

I was very anxious, like you I REALLY wanted a girl, people would be SO excited for us if it was a girl!! But nope another boy, that is 5 boys for me and with my step sons it's a total of 7 SEVEN boys for my husband. I was bumed and sad but that quickly changed when they found my son is missing an artery in his umbilical cord. I was bumed about a boy but 1 min later I just prayed to God for a healthy baby. I can't wait to hold him in my arms. The sex of my baby really didn't matter and I felt life was put into perspective. I knew my mother would be bumed about another boy to but when I told her it's a boys and broke down into tears she to just hopes for a healthy pregnancy, out of 16 grandkids we have 13 boys!! I'm the only sibling without a girl.
Thinking of just buying one, lol

jennielynn+ · December 2016

@cook3133 I'm hoping for a healthy pregnancy for you too! That was scary hearing that and I made sure at my AS to ask the tech about the arteries. Also, I told my husband if we are done biologically, I would want to consider adoption because we could have our boy. He was so sweet about it and said, "yep and my company contributes towards an adoption".

JainaTenel · December 2016

Just an update for anybody interested - we had our appointment and we are having another boy. Surprisingly, DH was just as heartbroken as I was. With our DS, I was disappointed when they said 'boy', but I had the hope that with number 2 (our Firefly) would be a girl. DH called the mothers (his and mine) and told them that the ultrasound was today and the results. My mother threw out the "God" line - "God only gives you...." and the ever popular, "if you want to try for a third, I know the way to get a girl" - it took all I had not to scream. MIL said she is just happy to have another grandbaby and she had three boys. My sister was the worst though - she only wants to have boys, so of course the first thing out of her mouth was 'watch - I will get stuck with only girls' and then went right on complaining about the engagement ring she doesn't have from her boyfriend.

We took DS to get Santa pictures and to finish Christmas shopping, but DH and I both were so depressed seeing other people with strollers covered with pink blankets and little girls with frilly dresses that we left the mall right after getting our DS's pictures.

I know we sound miserable and that some people would love to have even one baby or would love to have one son but it still just hurts. DH has been taking it exceptionally hard - he feels like he has let me down and even suggested that we talk in a few months to reevaluate our "two and through" idea. I cannot even consider how beyond crushed I would be to go through all of this again with a third child so we agreed to table that conversation for another time.

smallanimal · December 2016

@cook3133 I hope your baby continues to be well and that you have a healthy pregnancy. I get how the result put things into perspective. My MIL had 4 boys, and they are all amazing. My dad had two girls (obviously both amazing). Sometimes it just works out that way.

for me he is the first but I am fully resigned to having all boys later on because it really does seem to run in my husband's family!!

smallanimal · December 2016

@JainaTenel Sorry to hear that you are feeling miserable. Hope this changes in time. What is the reason your husband wanted a girl so much?

SnarkasaurusRex · December 2016

@JainaTenel Just know (and let your DH know), that these feelings are 100% normal and okay. It's weird, but it's almost as if you have to grieve the girl that you're not going/planning to have. When you find out that you're pregnant, you form all of these hopes and dreams for your child, and if you were imagining a girl, the dream just disappears, and it hurts. It will get better and easier, and hopefully by the time you have that sweet boy in your arms it'll be a memory.

With DS I was down for two full weeks because I was so sure that he was a girl, and it just threw me off of my game. I hadn't even realized that I'd wanted a girl so much. Lots of our family members were disappointed at first, but they got over it quicker than I did, so I hope your family does the same.

Just remember that these feelings are real and valid and that it will take time for you to work through them. Be gracious to yourself.

JainaTenel · December 2016

smallanimal said:

@JainaTenel Sorry to hear that you are feeling miserable. Hope this changes in time. What is the reason your husband wanted a girl so much?

@smallanimal- surprisingly enough, it is because of the relationship I have with my Dad. He understands boys since we have nephews, our DS and brothers, but he was looking forward to trying to have that same type of Father/Daughter relationship that I have.

lovelongdog06 · December 2016

Gender disappointment sucks. It's not gone for me but I think I'm closer to acceptance. I still like the idea of getting a girl on the third try, but the financial impact of us having a 3rd is almost insurmountable, so I try to keep telling myself this is what we have, this is what we get. We are a two boy family. I went shopping today looking for pants for DS #1 and came home with clothes for DS #2. It brought a smile to my face. Hopefully you and DH will also begin to move past the hurt.

jennielynn+ · December 2016

I'm sorry to hear that. I am right there with you only the other way. I wanted a boy because I really want the experience of parenting both. I'm young and life is weird so, I'm sticking with feeling extreme gratitude that so far we have had a painless and healthy pregnancy. If I want boy in the future, we can make that choice as a family of 4. Hugs to you and hubby. I think your feelings are completely normal.

mermaidylady · December 2016

Don't beat yourself up, @JainaTenel. Gender disappointment is normal and it doesn't make you a bad or unappreciative person. Allow yourselves to feel how you feel and it will pass on its own. You will get excited again. If you feel like crying now, go ahead! I had to get two or three good cries out of my system before I was able to move on and accept that I just would never have a daughter. There will always be a part of me that's sad I'm missing out on that relationship I always figured I'd have, but I am excited now to have another sweet little boy. Since DS1 is just my heart and soul! Plus brothers are fun.

pinkshades05 · December 2016

Completely understandable and let yourself feel all the feelings you need to. I was disappointed that DD2 wasn't a boy and it was really tough for a while. But once baby is here, perspectives change and there's a beauty to having two (or more) of a kind.

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