TW --- friend just blew up at me

rainbowwishes5 · December 2016

Because I am not sufficiently happy for her pregnancy. This same friend knows I TW------- lost 2 babies within the past 4 months. She is having a tirade against me on a small group text. I told her she was making me cry. And she won't stop saying that it isn't fair that I got to share my losses with her and she can't share her pregnancy with me because it is a "big part" of her life. I told her I just can't give her more than well-wishes right now. I asked her what more she wants from me? No response.

im just venting because this is ridiculous and honestly, friendship ending. What do you think???

LeFemmeViolette · December 2016

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. As difficult as things seem right now, try not to think of it as friendship-ending. Esp if this is all taking place over text.

Once you two have cooled off, maybe consider meeting up in person. Though I personally have not experienced losses, I have had nothing but BFNs and watched several of my friends get pregnant on their first try. I know it's hard, but if everyone is a little more sensitive with each other, it can work.

carterh33 · December 2016

It is so hard. Loss is just hard for people to understand. I'm sorry.

latershrader · December 2016

I'm so sorry @rainbowwishes5. It just seems like maybe you both need some time apart. When your hurt has healed just a bit more, maybe you can support her more. I hope that your friend can be a little more understanding.

bobby2016 · December 2016

Ugh - that's the worst @rainbowwishes5. So sorry she's reacting like that.

That's always been the hardest part for me too, the anxiety about hearing/dealing with the news from close friends and family. I think it's so hard for people that haven't struggled with TTTC and loss to understand.

It's also for me the toughest feeling to deal with/explain. Since you truly want to be nothing but supportive and happy, but you also want to protect yourself and feel sad.

For me, the best strategy has always been just to be completely honest, especially with those that know what you're going through.

Esperer · December 2016

Sending hugs @rainbowwishes5 - so sorry your friend isn't being more understanding and sensitive to your feelings. Especially if she's doing it on a group text instead of talking with you one-on-one. I hope you two can take some time to cool down and then get back to a better place in your friendship. Take some time off from her if you need to but I think you should give it another try before you completely end the friendship. She's probably extra hormonal too so maybe she's saying hurtful things that she doesn't really mean. Not to make excuses but IF is so hard and I believe those who haven't been through it just can't fully understand or put themselves in our shoes. I always try to remind myself of that when my fertile friends say something that hurts my feelings or is insensitive.

lilmissslp · December 2016

so sorry @rainbowwishes5! I know how hard it is. I just had an ectopic pregnancy in September as a result of my second IVF try. A friend/ co-worker just got pregnant from her first IUI and I'm really sad/bitter/angry/jealous. I congratulated her via text but can't bring myself to say anything to her in person or ask about her pregnancy. On top of that, 3 other women at work are pregnant. I honestly do my best to just avoid them. It's even harder when its a friend. I wish she was being more sensitive to you. Unfortunately, those that have never experienced the struggle or loss can't understand how we feel. I hope things get better!

kaseycoco · December 2016

@rainbowwishes5 I'm so sorry to hear. I haven't experienced a loss, but know that IF is so so challenging and can't imagine how much harder it is with experiencing 2 losses so close to each other. One of my close friends knows about my journey and got pregnant on her first month of trying. It's very hard for me to be excited for her because I just want it to be me so badly. I don't think there's anything wrong with being honest, as you are, and telling her you're giving her all you can right now. I actually sent this article to my friend to help her understand my feelings. Maybe you could send it to her too? I think it helps provide some perspective and could help her understand a bit more of what you're going through. I think if you haven't gone through it, you have no idea what a toll it takes.

https://www.babble.com/pregnancy/everyone-else-pregnant/
Good luck though, I hope you guys work it out.

2MomsHoping · December 2016

@rainbowishes5. I get it. A week after i told a friend about my chemical pregnancy she told me she was pregnant. The day of my second it was all she was talking about at my annual party. I told her about the second one and she just said I get it...I wanted to strangle her. NO YOU DONT GET IT! YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY GET IT UNLESS YOU HAVE BEEN HERE! I didn't do that though I explained the loss expressed my happiness for her and have tried to fade into the background.

I don't want to close the door on that friendship BUT I did hide her from my Facebook feed. Here is the thing...I am happy for her but I'm so so so sad for me. Her happiness reminds me of what has slipped through my fingers and her glowing face and gender reveal party plans bring out the worst of me right now. It's really best for both of us to keep the distance until I am at a place to where I can fully be part of her joy. I'm fortunate in that she has allowed me my space and we didn't have a blow up. Don't let a good friendship end until you have both calmed down and had time to talk.

Sorry this stuff totally stinks.

oxinfree · December 2016

@rainbowwishes5 - Unfortunately this is a tough situation. She probably can't empathize if she hasn't gone through what you have. I find my friends who got pregnant easily just don't get it. They are too caught up in their own happiness that they are hurt we seem self involved in our pain. Her pregnancy hormones are probably not helping the situation. I think writing her a thoughtful letter explaining that you can feel happiness for her and pain for yourself simultaneously, but that you need to take care of yourself right now and that may mean some time apart but that you're wishing her well would HOPEFULLY be well received. Honestly, if not, you deserve more empathetic reciprocal friends around you!! Big hugs. So disappointing that this happens.

Beemoore90 · December 2016

@rainbowwishes5 HUGS! I totally get this, Im in the same boat with my sister and its so hard. Everyone expects me to be so excited for her and my loss was over a year ago, it feels like a knife in the heart for some reason. I know texts can come off wrong, I read things wrong all the time. Id suggest stopping the conversation and waiting to talk in person soon. She is in a hard spot flooded with hormones right now, and you are hurting. Its exactly between a rock and a hard place.

Good luck sweetie!

PoeMasque · December 2016

Everyone on here is so nice!! All I can think is what a horrible, horrible way for her to treat you. Just because she hasn't dealt with IF does not excuse her behavior in any way. I have been very open with my friends about our struggles and if any of them acted like your friend I would cut them out.

Having a baby isn't like buying a car. It is the biological purpose of life! That's kind of a big thing!! Anyone carrying a child who can't empathize with you is not worth your time. How dare she even think of asking you to celebrate with her, let alone demand it. It's complete selfishness.

I'm sorry if this post makes me a jerk, but IF isn't fair and we all have the right to mourn and protect that.

Beemoore90 · December 2016

@Poemasque You ARE completely right! And I completely respect your ability to stand up like that, I wish I were that strong with the people around me! I tend to let people break my heart... But I suggested a different path so she can preserve the friendship if she wants. No one really understands this side of things, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy either.

PoeMasque · December 2016

I should clarify.....I would certainly talk to my friend about my feelings and why I couldn't celebrate with her. If she continued to demand I change my tune I would just tell her that wasn't going to happen, end of story.

Communication first. I wish more women would talk about IF and loss, I never realized how many women struggled with these issues until I was one of them....only after disclosing my own struggles did I learn many women I was close with had been there!! If we had been a "successful on the first try" couple, I might have been the jerk-face friend who demanded everyone celebrate me (well probably not, but I would have been much more insensitive about the whole thing).

@Beemoore90 i applaud your vulnerability! You can't fully love without allowing people the opportunity to hurt you, but you can be vulnerable without being controlled by others.

rainbowwishes5 · December 2016

Thank you all for your responses!!!

I'm still feeling like I am over her. How selfish because @PoeMasque she IS demanding I squee over belly pics, etc. and I am not up for that and told her so. She said that she doesn't like that she has felt that she has to be on "eggshells" texting me and that because I am not talking to her about her pregnancy I am not a good friend but a "superficial one" because she can't talk about the biggest thing going on in her life right now. I told her that if she was a good friend she'd understand why I cannot talk to her about her pregnancy and that she has plenty of friends she can share with just not me. She got very agitated at that. I just don't think I want to be friends with someone that intrinsically selfish.

funkykey · December 2016

Yeah.... Sounds like you need to get a new friend. I'm with @PoeMasque on this one. I don't know anything about this woman, or anything about you, but I'd distance myself, for sure.

My initial reaction was: "Maybe it wasn't so bad. Let's give this friend a chance. Maybe she was having a bad day, and maybe @rainbowwishes5 wasn't that nice."

But I kept thinking about it, and it really doesn't sound like you did anything too off. You said: "Congratulations!", you gave her well-wishes.... What more does she want? She has the guy who knocked her up, she has other friends, they're all happy for her... why does she need the one person in her life who has experienced multiple/back-to-back miscarriages to be effusive about her pregnancy on top of everyone else? I assume you acknowledged her and were happy for her - I assume you were polite. So you don't want to look at her belly photos - so what? That is hardly a crime. Even when I'm not sad about being IF, I don't want to look at other people's belly photos.

Was she trying for a long time? Is this like her first pregnancy after 2 rounds of IVF? I don't even think so - anyone who's been through that wouldn't be so cruel. A group text chat tirade? That is for catty teenagers! I hate people who take their good fortune for granted!

A lot of my friends have gotten pregnant. My sister is actually due next week. We started trying at the same time, and when she got pregnant first and I congratulated her, she squeezed me and said: "I hope it's you soon! I want our babies to be friends!" Now, I listen to her about her baby and I'm happy for her, but she never makes me feel small when I tell her that I'm feeling sad about being IF. She just says: "I'm so sorry. I really hope it happens soon." She can be happy for herself and sad for me at the same time. I actually asked her if she would ever expect a woman who'd just suffered two MCs to look at her belly photos, and both she and her husband laughed and said: "Who would do that? That's crazy!" They could not believe it. Some people are so shockingly self absorbed.

I thought about other, loosely parallel situations. If your friend were diagnosed with breast cancer, would you be like: "Hey, I just won a wet t-shirt contest. Want to see my pics? Oh no? You're not a true friend to me." No - because that would be absurd.

I try to take everything I read in the news with a grain of salt, but this girl reminds me of all those articles about the rise of narcissism and narcissistic behaviour with reality tv and social media. "Me me me". Ugh.

I'm sorry you had to learn about your friend this way. Maybe she'll grow up and come around one day, and if she does, I bet she will be embarrassed about her conduct.

Esperer · December 2016

What @funkeykey said 100%. I gave her the benefit of the doubt at first too but from your update she does sound very self involved and insensitive. I'd probably distance myself too if I was in your shoes. So sorry you are having to deal with this @rainbowwishes5.

2MomsHoping · December 2016

@rainbowwishes5 if she is being that insensitive I totally change my answer. ditch this "friend" obviously she isn't taking you into consideration at all and this is more than just and initial surprise that you aren't all giddy for her. Spend time with your friends that less self centered.

Beemoore90 · December 2016

Can I change my original input too? Thats too much and not at all fair to you!! Im sorry you are having to deal with that, I hope things get better. But if it doesn't just know you were completely fair!!

lilmissslp · December 2016

One of my friends/coworkers just had her first IUI a couple weeks ago and got a BFP. I congratulated her but haven't talked to her about it at all. Well, just the other night she texted me and told me that she is pregnant with 4 babies and they might do a reduction. I was heartbroken. I did three IUIs and was never successful. Im dying for 1 baby and she has 4! I will admit I wouldn't want 4 at once but it was very hard to hear. She tried to talk to me about it in person too and I kinda blew her off. I finally texted her and told her I'm so happy for her but I'm not in a place where I can hear about anyone's pregnancy. She said she understood and hopefully she really does.

rainbowwishes5 · December 2016

I'm sorry @lilmissslp . Hopefully her attitude holds. Although she does have a genuine problem too. Just not something you feel you can support her for.

jewellbush · December 2016

I'm late to the game here, but really sorry you have to deal with this. I hope she realizes how incredibly selfish she's being and at least tries to make right by you.

rainbowwishes5 · December 2016

@jewellbush I doubt it. She thinks that I am being the selfish one for not "supporting" her. Ugh. We are on an indefinite friendship break. Maybe once she has the baby she'll be less insufferable, I don't know. I haven't "broken up" with her- I managed to refrain though I was sorely tempted. Ugh. Thanks though!!!

LoveDontCostAThing · December 2016

Ahhh... @rainbowwishes5, I soooo sympathize with you. A lot of my friends and sister-in-law recently had babies or are pregnant. It sounds terrible, but I cannot bear to talk to any of them about their pregnancies or babies. Earlier this year my sister-in-law even said to my husband that she can "understand because her friend is going through this." WHAT!??!! NO, SHE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND ...and NEVER will. She has two children who were conceived the second she decided she wanted them. Now, I have to meet the newest addition this Sunday. I just bought Christmas gifts for her two kids, and she totally means well, but I just can't. I am not in a good place right now about all of this, and I feel as though I will have to explain myself as well sometime to some of my friends because I feel like they are beginning to wonder why I don't "check in," meet their babies, etc. I wish I could offer better advice, but we are in crappy situations and your friend will never understand. In my opinion, you are doing the right thing. Honestly, if there is any time in our lives when we can be "selfish" then this is it. I keep telling myself that everyday because I am so so sad for myself too. At this time I am not capable of being emotionally "there" or happy for other mothers or soon to be mothers...end rant...

hether05 · December 2016

I'm sorry but it sounds like this girl has no ability to look at things from more than just HER perspective. And that's not healthy for you right now. Call it selfish, whatever, but there is sssooo much pain involved in all of this that it does not make you a bad person for not inviting even more into your life. It is possible, yes, to be happy for her while grieving for yourself. But for her to have an expectation of what that is supposed to look like is extremely unfair to you. If your emotions don't allow you to coo over her ultrasounds or whatever, that is just fine, and she should be able to accept that. I find it very rude and selfish on her part that she can't see that.

natalie4oscar · December 2016

I'm so sorry to hear this. I honestly believe that most people do not know what we are going through and how hard it is every day to just complete normal tasks without tearing up over a pregnant bump or a baby cooing in our direction.

I agree with the others, let her know that you love her and that perhaps you can have a one-on-one chat once things cool down a little.

Sending you lots of good vibes.

I had a similar situation where a friend tried to tell me that she knew what I was going through because she had had bad emotional responses to birth control in the past I defended myself and said that it is not the same, unfortunately we haven't spoken since but I do hope to mend the relationship soon.

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