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Blended Families
ambrvan
member
An oldie returns... seeking support
ambrvan
member
Hi, everyone. I am an old member, and I haven't been around in YEARS. Things have been going great the past few years. But I'm struggling at the moment and need some perspective.
Backstory in a nutshell: DH and I have been together for 8.5yrs, married for 6.5. SD is 10. DS is almost 7 (this month). We have had full custody for almost 5 years now, BM gets supervised visitation EOW under maternal grandparents. She lives with maternal grandparents. 7 years ago, SD and her older half-siblings accused BM of sexual abuse. Long investigation, fought an uphill battle, ended up with current custody situation with no sexual abuse proven, custody determined based on BM's criminal and drug activity, as well as neglect and random long term disappearances. Older half-siblings went to live out of state with their BF, and an indefinite injunction was placed upon BM's visitation with them. Things have been quiet for years. BM moved out of state and rarely visited or called.
In May, SD's 15yo half-brother C decided he wanted to move in with maternal grandparents. He had only spoken with them three times in the nearly 5 years he's been out of state with his BF. He had not spoken with his BM at all. As soon as he moves in with maternal grandparents, BM moved back, as well, and lives with them. 13yo half-sister K remained with her BF until two weekends ago. She decided she wanted to move this way, as well. She had not spoken to BM in 5 years until C moved back here. So 2 weekends ago, middle of the freaking semester, K moves here, as well. Maternal grandmother told SD that C took back all the "mean things" he said about what BM "did to him." K doesn't talk about it. SD has asked me what the bad things were (she was 3 when we began to intervene, so doesn't remember it), and I told her she'll have to ask her brother and sister about it, that it's not my place to say at this time.
__________________________________________-
Current dilemma: BM has given no signs of wanting to have more time with SD. SD has always preferred to tell people that I am her mom and only explain if they ask why she calls me by name instead. But she doesn't elaborate about her mom. She never even really cared one way or the other about seeing BM when BM actually was around, and several times she begged to be allowed to stay at a friend's house instead. All of the sudden since siblings have moved back, she actually wants to go visit. I have tickets to a Christmas play this weekend, and myself and the kids (without DH) are going out of town for it. When this was planned back in September, this was our weekend, but some switching has now made this BM's weekend. I spoke with her about things and even offered to let her have one night last weekend and bring SD down there when we get back in town on Saturday so that she doesn't miss any time. She said she'd just get her next time. But SD whined about missing this weekend with her BM because she wants to see C and K. I just told her I had worked things out with BM, end of story.
I guess I'm feeling pushed aside. I have raised this girl as my own for years. BM was out of the picture long enough for us to begin proceeding with termination of rights based on abandonment, and we would have gotten it had maternal grandparents not hired a PI to find BM halfway across the country. They brought her back just in time (as in the day before) the court hearing that would have sealed the deal. I have dealt with every tear, stomach virus, tonsillectomy, hurt feelings, BM failures to show up, etc. I was the primary care giver from the get-go. DH has long since stepped up to be the father he should be, but I won't lie. At first, he was... a turd, to put it politely.
I'm worried that with the other kids returning home and pretending like nothing ever happened that BM is going to push for more time with SD. I doubt she'll get it. We don't live close enough for 50/50. She doesn't take advantage of all the time she is allowed now. But she has held a job now since May, longer than she ever has before. She seems to be clean and sober. She hasn't had an criminal charges in at least 3 years that we know of. So I guess I should be grateful that she's doing better in her life because that is better for SD. She is thousands of dollars in arrears on child support, for all three children, she'll never catch up. Though since she is finally employed at a job that does not pay under the counter, she'll be forced to file taxes this year, so we might get some of that. I know CS is unrelated to visitation and custody, but it still burns me.
Sorry this got long, but I think it was more of a rant. I don't worry about my relationship with SD, exactly. I know she loves me and knows that I'm here for her always. But at 10, she acts more like a teenager every day. If you talked to her, you'd think she was older and just really short. lol! I just don't want to lose her because she thinks "the grass is greener." You know what I mean? Until her siblings came back into the picture, she was very clear about her feelings. Now it seems that it's all changing.
Backstory in a nutshell: DH and I have been together for 8.5yrs, married for 6.5. SD is 10. DS is almost 7 (this month). We have had full custody for almost 5 years now, BM gets supervised visitation EOW under maternal grandparents. She lives with maternal grandparents. 7 years ago, SD and her older half-siblings accused BM of sexual abuse. Long investigation, fought an uphill battle, ended up with current custody situation with no sexual abuse proven, custody determined based on BM's criminal and drug activity, as well as neglect and random long term disappearances. Older half-siblings went to live out of state with their BF, and an indefinite injunction was placed upon BM's visitation with them. Things have been quiet for years. BM moved out of state and rarely visited or called.
In May, SD's 15yo half-brother C decided he wanted to move in with maternal grandparents. He had only spoken with them three times in the nearly 5 years he's been out of state with his BF. He had not spoken with his BM at all. As soon as he moves in with maternal grandparents, BM moved back, as well, and lives with them. 13yo half-sister K remained with her BF until two weekends ago. She decided she wanted to move this way, as well. She had not spoken to BM in 5 years until C moved back here. So 2 weekends ago, middle of the freaking semester, K moves here, as well. Maternal grandmother told SD that C took back all the "mean things" he said about what BM "did to him." K doesn't talk about it. SD has asked me what the bad things were (she was 3 when we began to intervene, so doesn't remember it), and I told her she'll have to ask her brother and sister about it, that it's not my place to say at this time.
__________________________________________-
Current dilemma: BM has given no signs of wanting to have more time with SD. SD has always preferred to tell people that I am her mom and only explain if they ask why she calls me by name instead. But she doesn't elaborate about her mom. She never even really cared one way or the other about seeing BM when BM actually was around, and several times she begged to be allowed to stay at a friend's house instead. All of the sudden since siblings have moved back, she actually wants to go visit. I have tickets to a Christmas play this weekend, and myself and the kids (without DH) are going out of town for it. When this was planned back in September, this was our weekend, but some switching has now made this BM's weekend. I spoke with her about things and even offered to let her have one night last weekend and bring SD down there when we get back in town on Saturday so that she doesn't miss any time. She said she'd just get her next time. But SD whined about missing this weekend with her BM because she wants to see C and K. I just told her I had worked things out with BM, end of story.
I guess I'm feeling pushed aside. I have raised this girl as my own for years. BM was out of the picture long enough for us to begin proceeding with termination of rights based on abandonment, and we would have gotten it had maternal grandparents not hired a PI to find BM halfway across the country. They brought her back just in time (as in the day before) the court hearing that would have sealed the deal. I have dealt with every tear, stomach virus, tonsillectomy, hurt feelings, BM failures to show up, etc. I was the primary care giver from the get-go. DH has long since stepped up to be the father he should be, but I won't lie. At first, he was... a turd, to put it politely.
I'm worried that with the other kids returning home and pretending like nothing ever happened that BM is going to push for more time with SD. I doubt she'll get it. We don't live close enough for 50/50. She doesn't take advantage of all the time she is allowed now. But she has held a job now since May, longer than she ever has before. She seems to be clean and sober. She hasn't had an criminal charges in at least 3 years that we know of. So I guess I should be grateful that she's doing better in her life because that is better for SD. She is thousands of dollars in arrears on child support, for all three children, she'll never catch up. Though since she is finally employed at a job that does not pay under the counter, she'll be forced to file taxes this year, so we might get some of that. I know CS is unrelated to visitation and custody, but it still burns me.
Sorry this got long, but I think it was more of a rant. I don't worry about my relationship with SD, exactly. I know she loves me and knows that I'm here for her always. But at 10, she acts more like a teenager every day. If you talked to her, you'd think she was older and just really short. lol! I just don't want to lose her because she thinks "the grass is greener." You know what I mean? Until her siblings came back into the picture, she was very clear about her feelings. Now it seems that it's all changing.
Re: An oldie returns... seeking support
That said, you (and your husband) also need to protect yourself and make sure you are treated with kindness and respect. It's totally fair and understandable that SD wants to see her siblings. It's also reasonable that you planned a special event in advance and went out of your way to accommodate BM. When everyone is calm, have a discussion with SD, explain how you understand that she wants to see her sibs and you want to support that, and apologize for how the schedule change with BM led to a less than ideal situation. Then see if you can work together to see if there's a way she can see more of her sibs. Maybe invite them to your house for a sleepover? Or plan something special where they can come, too. If it's at all possible with BM, try to open up the boundaries between families, at least with the kids, so SD doesn't have to feel like it's a choice between you and BM.
Maybe you've already thought of that or aren't looking for ideas. It does suck. I would be bummed, too, and even more so because with something like this, my stepkid when then probably be sulky during the special event I planned and ruin our time, because nothing is ever good if compared to mommy. Tough stepmom moment :-(
P.S. Have you looked into garnishing her wages for the CS? You won't have to wait for tax time for that and it's easier to collect
I don't think her feelings towards her BM has changed, and you aren't going to lose her. I believe she just wants to connect with her siblings. We went through something like this with SS's BM and sisters.