STM: Dealing with sibling jealousy, frustrations or other issues

Elyse1384 · December 2016

I don't think we've had a STM thread in some time and I've run into an issue that I would love some thoughts on. Also if anyone else is running into issues or has questions feel free to add on!

Background: DH and I have 2 kiddos (DS 2y9m and DD 1y). DS is all about me and DD is all about daddy. I think this is because DH admittedly babies his "little princess" (we've had many lively debates about this). With my first trimester sickness and lower back injury, I haven't been able to do as much for DS as he is accustomed to. For example, I become physically ill changing poo diapers and DH has really taken over that task (DS only likes me to change his diapers). DH has also been lifting/carrying both given my injury (DS only wants Mommy to carry him).

Issue: DS is going through a lot of change. He just transitioned to preschool at daycare. He has always transitioned rooms well, but this is a bigger change. He complains about missing his old room, friends and teacher. I also think he is feeling resentful about my pregnancy (he was previously excited for another sibling) as I haven't been able to do as much for him given the aforementioned issues. He has really started to lash out at home (not daycare). He is usually such a happy, sweet, loving, well behaved little boy, but of late he is having insane amounts of temper tantrums. This weekend he even said the baby was "making him angry". I imagine this is because he associating the baby with my doing less for him. I miss my happy little boy and I'm trying to do more with and for him. The past couple of days I've changed all of his diapers even if it means a rapid trip to the bathroom mid change if I get sick. I still can't lift him, but I'm trying to hold his hand in situations where I usually pick him up. I'm also trying to get more 1:1 time with him after work or on weekends. DH and I have also discussed doing special things with just him (eg bringing him to the anatomy scan in Jan because he really wants to "see his baby"). Anyone else encounter this before? I think he was so young when I was pregnant with DD that he didn't make certain associations nor did he have another sibling to compete with for attention. DH and I are hoping this will pass; particularly now that I'm beginning to feel better, but anyone else been here before? Any advice/ideas? I've never seen this side of DS! It makes me sad.

BethK93 · December 2016

I'm sorry that your DS is having trouble. It seems like you're doing all you can to help him adjust. Just remember that most likely a)when you feel better you'll be able to spend more time with him and b)once baby is here, I'm sure DS will absolutely love them. I like the idea of taking him to the anatomy scan - not only can he see the baby, he will also be part of the excitement of finding out if it's a brother or sister (if you guys aren't team green.) I think involving him in the exciting parts of the pregnancy will help him cope with the not so happy parts.

I am worried about this happening in our household too. We are a blended family and DF's DD (5) is very much a daddy's girl - she even gets jealous about me cuddling with him. If this ends up being a girl, I'm worried she'll get really jealous - especially since I'm not her mom and she still has trouble understanding that this baby will be her sibling because it's daddy's baby.

Wino0920 · December 2016

Honestly this could be age as well. It might have happened even if you weren't pregnant. We always here about the terrible twos. Kids go through phases.

I am more strict with my parenting. Whining and bad behavior do not get them what they want. I ignore all tantrums. I think it's absolutely ok that they learn they aren't the center of the universe.

Elyse1384 · December 2016

@BethK93 Funny you mention worry about your stepdaughter being a daddy's girl and what might happen if your LO is a girl. Our DD is such a daddy's girl and he really does baby her (granted she is VERY young, but still... kind of absurd at times). I half joked with DH that if this LO is a girl, DD might not be thrilled. Luckily ours is so young and she'll get over it. I can see how it could be very tough for your stepdaughter!

@Wino0920 That's a good point. I've heard "threenagers" can be quite the challenge as well and he is nearing that point too. DH and I are crazy disciplinarians and we always ignore the tantrums. I agree with you on the "not the center of the universe" thing. I'm constantly having words with my MIL who complains we are too strict and it's OK to give kids what they want. Ummm... no it is not. Even little things like when I made DS and my nephews wait for cake during DD's bday party until all adults were served and my MIL lost it! DS waited patiently, but his older cousins (old enough to know better!) were acting like spoiled brats because I didn't serve them the specific pieces of cake they wanted and they weren't served first.

Le sigh. Where is the parenting manual they should have come with? Lost in labor I suppose.

Wino0920 · December 2016

@Elyse1384 Good for you!!!! I'm betting he will eventually get over it. All we can do it our what we think is best!

Assiram42 · December 2016

I wouldn't take it too personally, as in the new baby is ruining his life, I think it's just difficult to communicate and that's all he can verbalize. My DD is 2 years, 7 months and we are in the thick of the 'terrible twos.' So I agree that it could just be an age thing.

I think your idea of making time with him will help out a lot, I think the life changes coupled with age are really throwing him off. FX it's just a phase.

flyingncmama · December 2016

When my oldest was about that age we started a bedtime routine just for him where we snuggled, read books, and then we asked him to tell us about his favorite part of that day. After telling us his favorite part, then we'd talk about other parts of the day and how things made him feel. It's one of my favorite things to do with him and I think it helps him to feel heard. It's a great way to let go of all the tantrums that happened that day and let him know he's still loved. Even though it won't fix his tantrums, it might be a helpful way to end your day feeling okay about things and a way to let him know things are okay even though he feels like his life is getting shaken up a bit by baby.

halfthetree · December 2016

I agree with above, try not to let it get to you too badly!

I also want to add that I'm a HUGE advocate of the "we are having a baby" voice with kids. Including them, hearing their opinions and ideas is very helpful, at least for my kids! My oldest was 3 when I had DD, who is also 3 now that we are having 3&4. It's tough to not be as physical with them! I try not to mention the twins at all when I tell them I'm feeling unwell, or when I have to turn down a request or something.

Mtnmommy · December 2016

Good timing on this. DD who will be 3 in February has hit full on threenager stage, and is starting to feel like she's no longer the center of the universe. I just don't have the energy to play with her like I used to. She's also been the only grandchild for so long. Both my sister and SIL have recently had babies, both are girls. So she's not getting as much attention from grand parents either. It's just the perfect storm. DH and I are trying to really praise and reward her for her "big girl" behaviors (using her words, independent play, doing things first time asked), and we are taking a pretty hard line with her on unacceptable behavior. I've had to get creative on more mellow activities she and I do together. We've also made more of an effort to set up play dates with our friends who have multiple children so she starts to see that not being the center of attention all the time is normal. She still has been difficult to manage. But I'm hopeful that if we are consistent that she will adjust.

michaela0704 · December 2016

I think it's normal for all kids, any age, to struggle. I remember going off to obscure areas of the house when I was 7 and just crying/waiting for my mom to come look for me or find me as I was soooo jealous of my new little brother. Even at 7 I didn't understand my feelings as jealousy but I was acting out in my own way from the feelings of sadness and wanting all the attention that I was accustomed to as an only child... that I no longer was...

LAMCH1980 · December 2016

It sounds like you are doing a good job. Neither of my kids are handling it well, but I know that in the end, they will love each other dearly. I feel like having to share this time with me and the family might help set them up to get along with others well in the future. It's an adjustment that is well worth it. With my 16 year-old, I'm just giving her time and space. My now 3 year old was colicky and she remembers the months and months of crying. She cried when I told her and still refuses to talk about it. I'm making her a quiet space in the basement where she can get away from it all. My 3 year old didn't really like the idea until I found ways for him to "help". When I asked if he could help decorate the nursery and help teach the baby how to play, he got excited. Good luck to you! You aren't alone in this!

BelhurstBride · December 2016

I also vote age. I bet it has very little to do with the baby and that's it's all age. Both of the girls were much bigger PITAs at 3 than at 2. They've realized they have a voice and an opinion and are starting to realize they can manipulate to get their way. We use a lot of forced choices so DD2 feels in control, but not really.

BethK93 · December 2016

@flyingncmama I absolutely love that idea. I may have to "borrow" it

sls · December 2016

My 2y3m DD doesn't say much that we can understand except when she's supposed to be taking a nap and is talking to her stuffed animals on the monitor... So even though we've explained she's getting a couple new siblings, I really am not getting the impression that she understands. She launched into some form of tantrums/obstinacy at 22m and has been deeply entrenched since then, so I really have no idea if her recent behavior is just terrible twos or rebelling against the idea of siblings.

The not talking is frustrating, but it's behavioral--she'll come out with FULL, COMPLEX sentences, and DH and I will be so shocked, it's like... Did she just say...?

So I have no idea what to do with her. I figure that once the babies comes, she'll get it, and until then, well, it doesn't really make much difference.

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