How to stop the Xmas gifts for nieces and nephews

laurapaine2003@yahoo.com · December 2016

I'm going back to school in March and paying down medical debt. I'm really not up for giving $100 to every niece and nephew (we have four, all on my DH's side) - there is a 10 year old then a 16 year and two 14 year olds - isn't this about the age you can cut off with giving them gifts/money? How should I go about doing that? We aren't close to the two 14 year olds or their parents,we see them maybe twice a year. Can I just send a text saying we aren't doing Xmas gifts this year due to me going back to school but would be happy to have everyone stop out to say hi? I find this all so awkward. Quite frankly I don't have the $$ this year and these kids are old enough now I think we can stop. I have enough stuff to buy for LO with her constant growth spurts! Any suggestions welcome - what have you all done when you've cut off gift giving?? And please someone tell me I'm not a major Grinch bc I'm kinda feeling like one and hate that!

LoveLee85 · December 2016

A few years ago I put my foot down with my DH family. They expect the world on Christmas Day and my DH could spend a grand on a 3 people and not get anything of value in return?! It was like he was being used. I was not very popular but a few years ago I said that can't go on and we do a 50$ limit now. They were so pissed at me! But now we buy for SIL baby daddies kids that we don't know and see only on Christmas?! So this year we aren't doing that either. We haven't actually seen SIL baby daddies other kids in two years...but we aren't doing it this year. It's dumb. We buy for SIL in her little unit 7 people at 50$ normally, this year we aren't. It's only the 3 of us they have to buy for(and for years it's been just he two of us). Nobody seems to understand how one sided it all is. This year I would like the limit at 20$. We aren't close with them and I can get them a little something in the name of Christmas but we aren't going to go without for people who don't appreciate anything we give(and are virtually strangers to us). When it becomes all about the gifts they can get out of us, it losses me off. Christmas is not about gifts. Sorry, long rant. Lol. Wasn't expecting that!

Can you ask for a 10$ stocking stuffer type exchange? Or, do a name draw so everyone only gets one gift? Or just say maybe a 'edible exchange party/get together?!' Swap Christmas treats?! Kids love cake, cookies, candy!

KissMeImScottish · December 2016

My family has always done a Secret Santa type exchange - the cousins pull names and are only responsible for the one cousin they pull and they don't get gifts from aunts or uncles. We used to do gifts from extended family, but there are 9 of us and it started to get ridiculous. There's no hurt feelings. We do our family Christmas at home with our nuclear families where we open gifts, and then we go to my grandparents' house where we open gifts from grandma and grandpa and the aunts and uncles open gifts to each other, but the cousins are typically not included in the acual receiving at this point. Makes everyone able to enjoy the season more.

I wouldn't feel guilty at all. Just be kind but firm that expectations are shifting this year.

ForeverEverAfter · December 2016

I did huge gifts for nieces and nephews before we had kids. One year I got my oldest niece a year of gymnastics lessons. We lost a lot of money moving, hubby took a pay cut to advance, plus we have 2 kids now. We did a few years where we announced in October that all gifts we give would be homemade, and that we expected nothing in return. Combined, we have 10 siblings and 16 nieces and nephews. This year my hubby's side decided the 10 kids would do a name-draw, limit $25. And my side I still do a small gift each ($10 or homemade) or a group gift (like movie, game and treat), and we get small, thoughtful gifts in return (small wooden toys, family games, jar of granola, etc).

For other people that we took off the list completely, we sent a Christmas card early (before they would've sent a gift) with a card and some photos, wishing them Merry Christmas & a happy new year. The couple times we got caught with receiving gifts from people off our list, I gave a tin of homemade cookies and something from our emergency stash (homemade potholders, candles, tea towels, etc).

wannabeamongoose · December 2016

A name draw is a really nice compromise. That way you can still do nicer gifts because each individual is only giving one and getting one. There should still be a $ limit and it should be something that is reasonable for everyone. In my family we have always done a name draw. We include cousins, aunts, and uncles. It's a lot of fun to include all the age groups. I remember having just as much fun picking out hunting gear for my uncles as I did picking out toys for my cousins. We've also done several themes for the name draw - "family gifts" (exchanged things like a family movie night between the families), ugly Christmas sweaters, holiday ornaments, coffee mugs, handmade, tropical travel (that year we were taking a giant family vacation for a wedding). The themed years were super fun and kept costs pretty low.

Also, though, it's totally ok to say "we can't do it this year but we'd still love to hang out." IMHO, if they get all pissy, they can suck it. Even if they give you something, you are not obligated to give to them, especially if you've communicated to them clearly that you are unable.

missliz53 · December 2016

I think it is perfectly fine to say that you can't afford to do gifts. I personally wouldn't be offended at all if someone said that, especially if we don't see them at Christmas as long as they don't expect gifts anyways.

With my DH's family, we all draw names and don't spend more than 20.00. His family is huge. Another idea would be to do a smaller gift like a gift cert to see a movie, or an I tunes card, a book, even cash. I personally love money because I spend it on experiences rather than stuff. I exchange gifts with my friend and her kids and over the years as she's had more kids, I've cut back how much I spend on each kid. With DD, we end up taking back a lot of the gifts DH's family gives her and exchanging them for other stuff she would enjoy more.

jen83mn · December 2016

I have the opposite problem - I can't stop buying gifts for my new little niece (my side)! I've had to cut myself off, but she's my first niece and the first one on my side of the family, so naturally I want to spoil her (and she's the only one I get to buy girl stuff for). But even so, I spent maybe $20 or so on my two nephews each and maybe $30 or so on my niece. I would never spend $100 per kid (except on my own)! And even then, I've had to cut myself off on the gifts for my little guy because he has more than enough already!

I like the other posters' suggestions about drawing names or doing a Secret Santa type gift exchange among the cousins every year. Then you can limit it to just buying one gift, and suggest that there be a cap on the gift amount too. We don't really have limits in our family, but the general rule of thumb is we all spend about $25 each on each other (my parents and grandparents will usually spend more on us kids, but we're not expected to match that - they have a lot more funds than us!). With my husband's siblings, we do more of a gag/funny gift exchange for Christmas and spend maybe $10-15 on each person. It's fun to see what everyone gets every year

Good luck!

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