Announcing to coworker who is struggling with infertility

Moneypenny424 · December 2016

"Announcing" is a bad word, as I'm not going to hold a meeting or something. I have a coworker with whom I am friendly. She and her husband have been struggling to conceive for a few years and she has been doing IVF cycles for the past several months. I was very much hoping this last one would take and that we'd be pregnant together. Unfortunately, that was not meant to be. I'll start telling the office in a few weeks, but does anyone have any suggestions? I don't want to treat her like a special snowflake, but I know it might be touchy. I also think it is best to tell her in person, rather than just hear from other coworkers. I want to be sensitive, but also not make a huge deal of it. Thoughts?

Elyse1384 · December 2016

I think it would be great if you gave her the heads up via email so she can digest it on her own. If you're close with her I think she'll be happy for you, but as an IVFer myself (who waited 3 years for that BFP that stuck) I always appreciated knowing beforehand rather than finding out with a larger group. It let me take the time to wallow for a moment so that I could be happy for the person when I saw her face to face next. Just a thought. Did she know you were trying? If so I would say all the more reason to give her a quick heads up before others find out.

NamelessAria · December 2016

Is there any way you could tell her a week or so ahead of your other coworkers by text or email or something? I know when I was struggling with recurrent loss/infertility it was incredibly difficult for me to find out someone else was pregnant. I remember my SIL texting me to say she was expecting baby #2, it was a boy, she's due in January. And if we're being totally honest here: I freaking lost it. I was a little angry at first like "oh of course she's pregnant! Why wouldn't she be pregnant! It's always so easy for her! She treats her child like the worst job ever and here she is pregnant again WHY IS LIFE SO UNFAIR!?" and about 30 minutes after the angry I was hit by just absolute despair. I cried for 2 days. And, ya know, because I was in the comfort of my own home alone with my husband when I heard the news I was free to react however I wanted/needed at the time. I didn't have to plaster a fake smile on my face and say all the socially correct things like "that's so amazing! I'm so happy for you!" Because at that moment in time I didn't think it was amazing and "happy for you" wasn't the best was to describe how I was feeling. I really appreciated being able to handle it my way and come to grips with everything before I had to see her and other members of my family. By the time I saw everyone I was able to plaster that smile on my face and say "Well good for her and (my brother)! That's great news. They must be very happy. I'm sure (my niece) will really enjoy having a sibling!"

If there isn't really any way you can tell your coworker by text/email/not in person maybe you could catch her before she goes home for the day and tell her away from others? That way she'd only have to contain how she was feeling for a short period of time and then go home and cry or rant or whatever she needs to do to deal with the news.

Also, try to keep in mind that people struggling with infertility often won't seem very happy for you. They may seem more angry or sad. But it isn't personal. They probably are happy for you but they're almost certainly very sad for themselves and their spouse. Your coworker may be very angry and frustrated that her body doesn't work like it should and hearing your news just reminds her how her body is a failure. It can be really hard, emotionally.

brooklynmama718 · December 2016

I'm in the same boat... I've decided to just tell my boss and not say anything about it until I start showing unless it comes up. I don't deem it necessary at this point.

rmarble23 · December 2016

as an IVFer who had to tell a friend with 6 failed IUIs....dont wait too long and probably best to tell her privately in person and like PP said its a personal struggle for her not her being mad or sad that you are pregnant, she will come around eventually. Maybe tell her friday afternoonish to not make it an entire day she has to suffer at work and then she can have the weekend to process. just be empathetic and not all gushy like you may with most people. And....good luck, its not an easy thing for either of you

harpyogi · December 2016

I have a coworker struggling with infertility as well and found sending her an email when I knew she'd be home away from work and with a few days to process it was best. I kept the email simple too as my therapist recommended removing emotion from it and being more factual can ease the potentially hurtful information. She really appreciated it and has been amazing since asking me how the pregnancy is going and continuing to share with me her journey at this point. In many ways I feel like respecting her emotions has allowed us to continue that open friendship and work environment we had prior, if not even more so now.

wifeinraleigh28 · December 2016

I've been that struggling IVF-er and I'll say that the PPs here gave some really good advice. The hardest thing for me has been hearing pregnancy announcements in a group of people. I felt like I was going to burst the whole time with nowhere to run to let out my tears. On the other hand, I so much appreciated being told privately. I just felt so incredibly grateful that the person cared about me enough to do it this way, knowing it would be hard. This also made it so much easier for me to be happy for them! You are wonderful for posting here and asking for some advice on this, because I know that this stuff isn't even on a lot of women's radar. I know that most women who have announced their pregnancies to me over the years wouldn't even think twice about it. Big high five to you!

kmd0501 · December 2016

Same boat here. A co-worker of mine and myself have been seeing same IF doctor since January. Granted her reasoning is much different than mine but we both understand the struggle nonetheless. It was nice having someone who understood follicle size, trigger shots and DPOs. Well, she continues on her journey and I am starting my new one. I told her that I wanted to tell her personally that I was pregnant because I didn't want her to hear from someone else. She was happy for me and we talked about things happening with her this cycle too. I have noticed when she's having a bad night at work she can get short with me or be reclusive, which is unlike her, but I try to put myself in her shoes and remember how I felt when my other co-workers would walk around with their big bellies announcing "we weren't even trying!" It's hard either way but I think she'll appreciate you telling her in person.

semicolon · December 2016

As a late loss mom, I have been happiest when told face to face, alone...and then left alone after to allow me to process. I hate hearing through the grapevine.

ellie111227 · December 2016

A co-worker i was friendly with got pregnant shortly after I lost my first daughter during my second trimester. She was very thoughtful and told me privately before she announced in a faculty meeting, but, honestly, I still reacted terribly. I told I was happy for her and simultaneously burst into tears. It was really embarrassing, and I felt awful for reacting that way to her happy news, especially when she was so considerate of me. But I just couldn't handle it. I struggled with infertility then for quite a while, and I really just had to avoid her a lot. Like, one day she came to visit with her baby on her maternity leave when we were having our faculty Christmas party, and I literally hid from her in a friend's classroom bathroom. And I really liked this girl. I was never mad at her or anything. I just couldn't handle my trauma response around her after my own loss. It took me probably a year to be able to socialize with her without physically feeling sick and tense. So just be aware that matter how well you handle it, it might just be too much for her, maybe even for a long time.

When I finally got pregnant again, I emailed another coworker who was going through something similar to let her know ahead of everyone else and just said I was fine with us talking about or never talking it, whatever she felt. She congratulated me a couple days later, and then we never really talked about my pregnancy again, which was fine.

It seems like you are aware that it could be hard for her, and as long as you give her some kind of warning where she doesn't have to pretend everything is fine with her and don't act like it is an insult to you if she can't talk about it a lot and go to showers for you etc, you are fine. You can't make everything ok for her, but it seems like you have an attitude that will help make it as ok as possible.

Edited because my tablet randomly deletes words.

Praying41 · December 2016

Definitely tell her in advance personally and give her time to adjust and cry and get through the pain. I know what it's like to deal with IF and have to hear a group announcement that someone close to me got pregnant very easily without trying. It's broke my heart and DH and I had to leave because I was afraid I'd burst into tears. I cried for about a week after andcwent through all of the stages of grief before I could get past it and accept it and be happy for her. Had she told me ahead of time, I'd still cry and hurt and be angry but I'd have the chance to adjust to the news before having to hear about it non stop by everyone I knew for a week straight which was like a stab in the heart each time. It's a tough conversation to have but it's worth it. I had to do it recently with a close friend but I'm glad I did and once everyone else found out, she could be just as excited for me as the others because she'd had a chance to process the news and work on not letting it bother her so much.

Moneypenny424 · December 2016

Thanks so much, ladies. This is really helpful.

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