It's almost dawn, and I have yet to close my eyes and find peace. I roll over in the dim light and gaze upon my husband. I tearfully begin to wonder how his dark features would appear in contrast to my own and then stop myself. I cannot begin to dream of my heart's desire while living in the nightmare of my own mind. I look at the sky through our bedroom window and my eyes lock upon a star fading to the immense light that is beginning to overcome it. My mind comes to a painful cliff in the landscape of my mind, that tells me we need to stop trying, before I lose what little bit of myself that remains.
I groggily wander to the bathroom and see crimson. The swaddling blanket my body has so lovingly created has now unraveled. I close my eyes and choke back the tears because I don't want him to see my strength fading. I go through the motions of my morning and kiss him farewell. Every cell in my body screams for caffeine and I drive like a homing pigeon to my local coffee shop.
Outside I see a woman with a belly so round it is pushing against her shirt. She has track marks on her arms and is smoking. Her hair is slick with her own oil and her clothes are dirty. She's chatting with a local drug dealer and rubbing her belly. I think of how much I spent on fertility supplies, and how much she has spent on needle drugs and realize we have both spent vast amounts of money and in the end she came out pregnant. My organic and vegan lifestyle was not the fertility booster that heroin is. I pull over and cry in my car before composing myself and getting my coffee.
I get to work and try to distract myself with menial tasks. My coworkers are gathered around chatting about their children while I quickly try and put my headphones in. I'm happy for them, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't full of jealousy and anger.
I think of my younger self. I remember the sex ed classes where they told us that getting pregnant was incredibly easy and I left feeling that if I even saw a penis I would be in danger if impregnation. They didn't tell us the truth. The truth being that there are people out there who will struggle. Whenever I see a pregnant woman I wonder what her secret was, and then my heart shatters when I hear the word "accident." Apparently that happens to people. I then wonder if I was lied to by my doctor about the lasting effects of birth control.
My spouse cannot understand the pain of being a woman who can't conceive. I feel like this is an emergency, and he is just making a cup of tea while I panic. He doesn't know what to do, or what to say. I can't blame him. I don't know what to do or say to myself either.
I deactivated Facebook. The happy family pictures became too much. I hide from people our age with kids, because the feelings of injustice became too much. Now I just hide from the world.
How do you stop "trying" when it starts to destroy you? When it consumes you? I'm feeling like it is not possible for us.
Um.
Sooo how long HAVE you been trying? If it's been over a year, or 6 months if you're over 35, you should see a RE for assistance, not just give up.
me . early 30's | h . mid 30's | < 3 . 2013
ntnp #2 . summer 2018
*siggy warning*
ttc#1 . jul 2015
mmc . mar 2016 | 6w2d
dx PCOS (non-IR) / subclinical hypothyroidism . summer 2016
tx metformin, levothyroxine, LP progesterone, femara + trigger + ti . fall/winter 2016 BFP! . jan 2017 DD . oct 2017
I didn't just pour my heart out for an "Um" and someone telling me what I should do. I feel so broken I feel I need to stop trying to preserve my sanity.
I have no no one to talk to and feel incredibly alone. I shouldn't have come here.
@AliciaDoiron What you wrote was so poignant and incredibly real for all of us here. I think the problem is we all feel it. We have built a community of sisters here and welcome all who introduce themselves and participate. Many of us are going through the same as you. We all have the same end goal, but different paths. None of us are giving up and couldn't even fathom it. So read the newbie guide and some of our daily posts. You'll realize we are all in the same boat. If you want to join us, give some support and you'll get it back.
It's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most...not where you live, or what you drive, or the price tag on your clothes... There's no dollar sign on a piece of mind, this I've come to know! *ZBB*
@AliciaDoiron I see that you are in pain, and I'm sorry. We all go through the same from time to time, some of us have longer journeys than others. What you could do in this obviously emotionally fragile place you are at is joining this community. There are amazing, strong, supportive and wise women here who can help a lot with either practical TTC information or emotional support when needed. Come, join You can start up by reading the Newbie guide pinned at the top of the threads. Bunch of useful information and also some guidance about the ways this community works. The reason you got the "Um" answer will be obvious once you read the guide: usually these solo, "dear diary" type of posts are not welcome well here - this community gives so much once you are a part of it, but these amazing ladies have been through a lot, so might not always have the strenght to give it away for strangers. But come, join, participate in either of the daily threads (WTO, TWW) and you'll get the support you need. Take the time and join us in waiting, worrying, contemplating chances or just having fun Hugs.
ETA: spelling
Me: 33, DH: 38 Married: May 2015 TTC since September 2015
If a moderator could delete this thread I would appreciate it. I don't think I want to be here, because I am scared I will always say the wrong thing and this will be more stress than support so please just delete this thread.
I didn't just pour my heart out for an "Um" and someone telling me what I should do.
I have no no one to talk to and feel incredibly alone. I shouldn't have come here.
I'm sorry.
So, what I suggested to you is what many of the women here (myself included) do to stop trying *on our own* when trying on our own hasn't worked. I'll ask again, how long have you been trying? If you've been trying for over a year, I really recommend you find out if there is a specific cause that is keeping you from getting pregnant. I don't recommend you give up. But, I get needing a sanity break so do that beforehand if you need to.
We all get it, this process is hard and completely unfair. You've come to a place where we're all struggling with this stuff. Lurk around and join in, I think you'll like it here.
me . early 30's | h . mid 30's | < 3 . 2013
ntnp #2 . summer 2018
*siggy warning*
ttc#1 . jul 2015
mmc . mar 2016 | 6w2d
dx PCOS (non-IR) / subclinical hypothyroidism . summer 2016
tx metformin, levothyroxine, LP progesterone, femara + trigger + ti . fall/winter 2016 BFP! . jan 2017 DD . oct 2017
@AliciaDoiron PPs gave you some fantastic advice. We call understand what you're going through and how you're feeling. And we invite you to join in the community and participate. Let us get to know you and support you through this very trying and tough journey. You are not the only one that has feelings like this. @virginiaham was being serious when she suggested you seek medical help depending on how long you've been trying. If you lurk and join in, you will see exactly how amazing and supportive this community is. It has certainly helped me out through the past few cycles, which have been beyond tough. One thing that I will suggest is not to keep the pain hidden inside but to share it with your husband. At the end of one very tough and very far from the norm cycle, my husband literally laid in bed and held me while I sobbed uncontrollably.
So again, stick around, join in, we would love to have you!
"It's time to try defying gravity."
Me: 38 DH: 38 Married 6/11/16 TTC Since 6/2016 12/2016 RE appt; 1/2017 SA & HSG results - all normal 3/2017 Dx Hyperprolactinemia; 5/2017 Prolactin levels normal; 8/2017 Low Ovarian Reserve 8/2017 TTA for personal reasons; 10/2017 NTNP; 12/2017 Re-start TTC 7/2018 Clomid+IUI 11/2018 Letrozole+TI 12/2018 Letrozole+IUI 2/2019 NTNP 5/2019 Stopping all TTC efforts; living Childfree
OP I can understand how this post might make you feel vulnerable, but I hope you can see how seriously amazing and supportive all these women are who have responded.
Ladies, you impress me every day with your badassery and kindness
@AliciaDoiron - I hope you reconsider the board. I am new too. When I first found the Bump, I will admit that if I hadn't read the rules or other threads, I might have ended up posting something that broke the rules. I found that people have a tendency to feel very alone and isolated in their pain, whether it is about TTC or something else. And I know it hurts to share that pain and not get the response you were looking for. But you can find amazing support right here - there are just excellent reasons for having rules on the Bump.
I'm on another community board that is not related to pregnancy or parenting. And every so often, someone will post pictures of their babies or announce their pregnancy. One woman just posted yesterday about her pregnancy. I had to jump ship and come here. It's a great safe place to calm down and not get caught in my own anxiety and worries about TTC.
Me: 35, DH: 35 Married: 2012 TTC Since September 2016
AliciaDoiron
member
Re: Delete Please
Sooo how long HAVE you been trying? If it's been over a year, or 6 months if you're over 35, you should see a RE for assistance, not just give up.
ntnp #2 . summer 2018
*siggy warning*
ttc#1 . jul 2015
mmc . mar 2016 | 6w2d
dx PCOS (non-IR) / subclinical hypothyroidism . summer 2016
tx metformin, levothyroxine, LP progesterone, femara + trigger + ti . fall/winter 2016
BFP! . jan 2017
DD . oct 2017
I have no no one to talk to and feel incredibly alone. I shouldn't have come here.
I'm sorry.
TTC 9/2016 BFP 12/9/16 EDD 8/21/17 NMC 1/8/16 at 7w6d
TTC 2/2017 BFP 3/6/17 EDD 11/17/17 DS born 11/25/17 via ECS
TTC 12/2018 BFP 6/2/19 EDD 2/12/20 NMC / BO at 7 weeks, low progesterone
TTC 7/2019 BFP 8/21/19 EDD 4/22/20 CP at 5 weeks
TTC 8/19 IUI #1 w/ Clomid + Ovidrel + progesterone BFN, IUI 2 and 3 w/ Letrozole + Ovidrel + progesterone,
IUI 4 Follistim + Ovidrel + progesterone BFP 1/9/20 EDD 9/18/20
AMA, ITP in pregnancy, vWD type II - low Factor VIII, unexplained RPL and secondary infertility
You can start up by reading the Newbie guide pinned at the top of the threads. Bunch of useful information and also some guidance about the ways this community works. The reason you got the "Um" answer will be obvious once you read the guide: usually these solo, "dear diary" type of posts are not welcome well here - this community gives so much once you are a part of it, but these amazing ladies have been through a lot, so might not always have the strenght to give it away for strangers. But come, join, participate in either of the daily threads (WTO, TWW) and you'll get the support you need. Take the time and join us in waiting, worrying, contemplating chances or just having fun
ETA: spelling
Married: May 2015
TTC since September 2015
We all get it, this process is hard and completely unfair. You've come to a place where we're all struggling with this stuff. Lurk around and join in, I think you'll like it here.
ntnp #2 . summer 2018
*siggy warning*
ttc#1 . jul 2015
mmc . mar 2016 | 6w2d
dx PCOS (non-IR) / subclinical hypothyroidism . summer 2016
tx metformin, levothyroxine, LP progesterone, femara + trigger + ti . fall/winter 2016
BFP! . jan 2017
DD . oct 2017
So again, stick around, join in, we would love to have you!
"It's time to try defying gravity."
Married 6/11/16
TTC Since 6/2016
12/2016 RE appt; 1/2017 SA & HSG results - all normal
3/2017 Dx Hyperprolactinemia; 5/2017 Prolactin levels normal; 8/2017 Low Ovarian Reserve
8/2017 TTA for personal reasons; 10/2017 NTNP; 12/2017 Re-start TTC
7/2018 Clomid+IUI
11/2018 Letrozole+TI
12/2018 Letrozole+IUI
2/2019 NTNP
5/2019 Stopping all TTC efforts; living Childfree
Ladies, you impress me every day with your badassery and kindness
I'm on another community board that is not related to pregnancy or parenting. And every so often, someone will post pictures of their babies or announce their pregnancy. One woman just posted yesterday about her pregnancy. I had to jump ship and come here. It's a great safe place to calm down and not get caught in my own anxiety and worries about TTC.
Married: 2012
TTC Since September 2016
DD #2: May 2020
Baby #3: EDD May 2023; MC October 2022