My MBF is that I'm home sick. Over the weekend I started getting sick with a sore throat and then sinuses. All last night I was up blowing my nose or coughing. I woke up this morning, started getting ready, and was coughing so bad from drainage that I was throwing up. So, sick day for me. I went back to bed and I'm feeling better. The guess from where it came from is that DH brought it home. He's been complaining everyone in is office comes to work sick and he had the sniffles late last week. I think I just caught it hard.
Me: 26 & DH: 25
Married: August 2014 TTC since November 2015 BFP #1 12/17/15 - MC 1/28/16 BFP #2 4/22/16 - EDD 12/30/16
I guess the thing bugging me right now - probably annoying to even put here - but is all the total crap people buy. They express concern for global warming or manufacturing jobs over seas etc and then buy loads of cheap crap with huge carbon footprints. Holidays are so bad for this.
I'm so tired today. I spent yesterday morning in l&d with a migraine. Dd1 had a fever all day that got to 103.5 at 10pm and she hadn't eaten or drank anything since 8am...so we brought her to to ER. 4 hours later we got home. she has bronchitis, pharyngitis, and probable bacterial phuenmonia based on chest x rays. my goodness.
Luckily I was already off work this week but I planned to clean and rest. DD is super clingy. understandable but DH had to get to work so I'm on my own. and I started coughing this morning and I'm just hoping I don't catch something from her! my RCS is a week from today...I can't be sick!
Afraid Ashton will get hurt or die in very unlikely ways. Afraid DH, myself, or even my dog will die. Strangely mourning as if he has already grown and gone (maybe because he is growing in the NICU?), and that DH and I are getting older. Especially with Ashton hopefully coming home this week, I think my brain is terrified that because he is so small something will happen to him.
I mentally recognize that these thoughts are not "me" and that it is anxiety, but I can't seem to stop them. Gotta make an appointment. Bleh...
@dmontgo So sorry you are having to go through this You and Ashton are in my thoughts! Hoping the road gets easier for you in this fragile time.
My BF is basically everyone right now. I know they all mean well, but as I am due in 4 days, NO I HAVEN'T GONE IN LABOR YET OR HAD MY BABY SECRETLY. Ugh! I will notify my family when something changes. It's so annoying to feel like I'm doing something wrong by not having my baby yet. Jeesh! Rant over.
My first BF is my doctor's office. I don't like them in the first place but it's a little late to try to switch but I've been going there for years and they've never once asked ne for an ID, and the whole time I've been pregnant they haven't asked for an ID but noe all of the sudden they're asking me for a id and saying that it's a liability for them to see me without it and I could be someone else using someones Insurance and they won't see me unless I have one. Like wtf y'all should have asked for it before so noe I'm just irritated that they're doing this the last two weeks of my pregnancy. My other BF is that my FIL goes to different flea market's every Saturday and Sunday to sell stuff and he wants us to go with him every weekend and when we go I have to get up at like 5am and then be rushed to get dressed when I can barely move without waddling so it takes a bit longer and my husband doesn't slwsyd want to go but he won't tell him no but he only wants us to go so we can sit wnd hang out with him all day long but I don't always want to do that because we leave at 5am then don't get home until 8/9pm and by then I'm exhausted and have to come home to clean up After my dogs and everything else and sometimes I just want to stay home and spend time with my husband who only gets one day off a week and I can't even do that plus we still have things that need done around the house that can't get done if we're not home and then my husband was telling a lady we know Saturday that we would have our son out there and I'm not going for that especially after I just had him. We need family time just me,him and LO.
@dmontgo - how could you not?! Be gentle with yourself and get the care you need. You've been through the ringer. Honestly I think you've been amazingly strong through all of this. You've had to be! Often, it's when things start getting easier that I think anxiety and emotions can run you over. You finally have the space for them instead of being on constant survival mode. I think it's very normal, expected, and I can imagine it will take serious time to feel all the feels of everything you've been through the past few months. And that's okay. It's important.
@slartybartfast I just made an appointment to be seen next Monday.
I think you are right that the adrenaline is starting to wear off and I have to deal with my emotions. I think it's been easier to bury my feelings and experiences these past couple of weeks and months because I have been so distracted. I'm on the Bump a lot because it helps me to talk to you ladies. I noticed a couple of days ago that I was imagining essentially Final Destination scenarios for my little family---terrifying but have realistically .00000000000000000001% chance of happening. Not that I want to hurt my family...the scenarios just appear randomly. Gotta start unpacking the emotional baggage.
@dmontgo - if it's any consolation, after DS was born those things would pop into my head sometimes too. They never got very far but it's awful when then pop up. Sometimes looking at photos I'll remember ones that came to mind.
@slartybartfast How do you know when it's not normal and you need help? I have those thoughts several times a day. I'm still going to go to my appointment but it does reassure me some that I'm not the only one.
I already mentioned this in the MOTN thread, but I CAN'T FREAKING BREATHE. It's so annoying. I already get seasonal allergies, so I deal with a stuffy nose enough during the year as it is, but what the hell. I wake up a couple times to go to the bathroom at night, with the second wake up usually happening around 5 or so. I go back to bed, and I have to blow my nose a bunch of times to clear out to try to get back to sleep. That works maybe 2 out of 5 times. I feel bad because my I know I wake up my boyfriend when I do that, so then I have to leave the room and try to nap later, which I did this morning. The silver lining in all this? One of my schnauzers cuddled up to my belly and napped with me and kept me warm.
@slartybartfast How do you know when it's not normal and you need help? I have those thoughts several times a day. I'm still going to go to my appointment but it does reassure me some that I'm not the only one.
I don't know? I know that it's quite common. I think it depends on how much you feel it's affecting you or disrupting your ability to think/feel otherwise. Like if those thoughts start consuming you, or you can't seem to get out of a thought pattern, I would think that may need additional attention? If they pop in your head, disturb you but you can shake them away without it affect your ability to function, maybe not? I'm really not sure. BUT New motherhood awakens some very natural things in us and sometimes, especially at first, those can go a little wonky. A new mother can be soooo keenly aware of her newborn being near her and it can be really uncomfortable to be even across the room from baby. I had this. Normal, natural, decreased with the months. Though it still is hard for me to be gone from him for more than a work day. I also had it where I was a physical empath for my newborn at first - I'd know if he was having a tummy ache or something because I would feel it after subconsciously picking up subtle movement cues. New moms can have a very biological heightened sense of potential risk for baby - think back to a time when the rustle of a leaf could have meant your survival was threatened by a predator finding a healing new mom and little baby. VERY useful to be hyper aware except we don't have those dangers any more so sometimes those instinctive reactions get placed on things that aren't really dangers... It's not an indication something is necessarily wrong... it's more just we evolved over thousands of years for a reality that has totally shifted. Our biology hasn't quite caught up. Or has it? Most of my worry involves cars and falls. Both actually are huge risks. So while it's unsettling to imagine crazy stuff happening, it sort of makes sense to. It's your body being like YOU MUST PROTECT THIS NEEDY LITTLE BABE!!! The instinct to not have others hold your baby - very very natural. Exposure to disease, though still a thing now, was so much greater a risk even just a few decades ago. I imagine having sweet Ashton in the NICU is INCREDIBLY challenging for all of these things. That's not necessarily an indication that something is wrong, perhaps just that you have a strong maternal bond.
So yea, while these things aren't necessarily signs something is off with you - but more signs that your body is reacting, in very natural ways, to its new job - I would think if they start feeling debilitating, there may be something to do? (where they may switch to beyond normal is something I can't speak to)
@dmontgo I agree with @slartybartfast as I too had similar feelings of not wanting to let anyone hold my DS and even now struggle with letting my DH take him outside for long periods of time because I feel like nobody can protect him like I can and he just turned 2 a couple weeks ago. I can only imagine how those feelings might be heightened by having a LO in the NICU. I think that as long as you are able to function as normally as a new Mama can and are not paralyzed with fear all the time you will be ok. However, getting help is a healthy thing to do whether that is talking over coffee with another NICU mom or speaking with a counselor who specializes in parents who experience having their babes in the NICU.
You know you best and if you aren't feeling like you are going to get through this on your own then get help now because that will help you be the best Mama to Ashton that you can be.
@dmontgo I feel like, if you’re wondering whether you need
help, talking to your doc is an excellent idea, so I’m glad you’re going to do
that! I think the line between normal baby blues and PPD/PPA varies from person
to person. Just as an example, I have struggled with anxiety and depression my
whole life. After DS, it set in big-time and I thought it was just “normal” baby
blues. Looking back, given my history, I wish I had asked for help sooner so
that I didn’t suffer for so long. For me, I needed meds to get through PPD/PPA,
and I’m so glad I took them. I kind of
feel like I remember you saying you’ve suffered from depression before, so
maybe my experience applies somewhat to you, but please forgive me if not.
In any event, you’ve been through SOOOO much, and you’re
doing an awesome job. Now you’re contending with the emotions of what you’ve
been through and what you’re still coping with, coupled with the physiological
post-partum stuff which is a bitch in and of itself. Talking to – and staying
in contact with – your doc is an awesome idea. Hugs.
@dmontgo I think it's a wonderful idea that you got an appointment and I think you should keep and definitely talk to someone because you have been through A LOT and any help you can get unpacking all of that is a good idea. I've been in a similar situation (not postpartum of course, but very scary medical stuff with my dad most of my life and just want to share with you things that helped me. Please take it all as just suggestions and hopefully something may help you a bit)
- First off, these thoughts... as scary as they are... are completely normal! I completely agree with slarty that I think when we are in the storm itself we just go into autopilot, and then once the storm begins to calm and everything catches up we are flooded with very overwhelming emotions. Be very kind to yourself. You are grieving, you didn't get the birth you were hoping for or the post partum start that you were hoping (huge understatement).... all of that is translated to a HUGE loss. It makes perfect sense that you are feeling overwhelmed.
- I also think there is a level of PTSD after these types of huge events. Any event that reminds us of our own or a loved ones mortality is going to stir up and trigger those thoughts. We are going to be reminded of the event and our brains are going to try to think of any possible scenario that could bring those feelings up again in the future. The biggest thing that helped me with the scary thoughts was something my therapist told me: That the thoughts actually serve a purpose, even though it doesn't really feel like it. Your brain is trying to think of possible scenarios so you DON'T do those things. These thoughts are basically super morbid ways of reminding you to be careful. I've also read that specifically post-partum that there actually might be a biological aspect to having the scary baby thoughts, as a way for you to take extra precautions.
Basically the rules my therapist gave me where that the thoughts aren't the problem it's how I react to the thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts, and I'm still in complete control on how I react to those thoughts. Also the more you try and FIGHT the thoughts the more they are going to happen, it's the whole don't think of a pink elephant theory. Reframing how I saw the thoughts made them less scary and eventually, along with therapy to work through all the emotional grieving the thoughts happened less and less. I still get them, (literally everyone gets them from time to time, but most just don't pay them any attention), but it gets much easier to just let them go, and know that they are just meaningless.
Sorry for the novel, I just feel for you so much right now, you have been through so much! Please take care of yourself, and know that I'm not trying to say any of this will 100% work for you too because everyone is different, I just wanted to share in hopes that some of it might help you too. I think it's a really good idea to keep your appointment to at least talk to someone. Just having an outlet with a professional who could tell me I wasn't nuts and it was all normal helped me more than anything.
Agree with all of the great points above, and thinking of you @dmontgo - I'm glad you aren't keeping this in and suffering with these thoughts by yourself. you're definitely not alone
I'm due on Saturday, and I'm already tired of the comments. "You pop that baby it yet?" "You look like you're gunna go any second" Or my favorite "you let him stay in there any longer you'll have a 10lb baby" Ugh. Shut up my boy will come when he's ready.
Oh yea - to echo others - talking to someone like a NICU support group or mom or counselor is absolutely a wonderful step no matter whether or not you're worried if your reactions and feelings are something that may need additional attention. I'm just totally not in the know about steps beyond that, when they are appropriate, important, overdone, whatever. But absolutely - support, whether it be in community, family (which, you and I both know is out for us other than DH's - which, your DH is grappling with all this to some degree too), professional counseling, D16 bump love - I don't believe there is ever a line you need to get to for that to make sense or be helpful.
I know you mentioned realizing this elsewhere too but friends aren't always the best go-tos for things like this unless they've been in a similar place. Everyone has their own lives and I think it can be impossible for many people to relate to or know how to help. It's not because they don't care. It's just that it's totally outside of their realm of understanding.
Thank you so much, ladies. It makes sense biologically speaking that we experience heightened anxiety and awareness of our surroundings. I guess it's the violent nature of the anxiety scenarios that scare me. I was planning on speaking with my therapist for the nightmares I've been having regarding the birth and mourning not being pregnant at Ashton's true due date, so hopefully they are normal feelings but I'd rather be ahead of all of this emotional mess before it potentially turns into something more.
I have had depression before; I am assuming I am at risk more than some others. I'm very good at identifying my feelings, but struggling with the thought patterns and letting myself feel everything deeply without shame. Trying to connect more with the NICU resources as well for support even after Ashton is home.
I'm not angry at our friends for not knowing what to do...but I do feel disappointed because even a "Thinking about you" would mean a lot. But, I will admit that I don't feel very close to them anymore. These things just change you, I guess. I don't feel like the same person that I was, in some positive and some negative ways.
Less in response @dmontgo and more just me reflecting along side you - I am definitely not the same person I was pre-DS. In some ways I'm very comfortable and okay with that. In other ways I hate it. But I also just feel like it is what it is. I feel like some of the ways I've changed are disappointing to DH too. He'll talk about how he can't wait to have his buddy back (we do a lot of physical activities together that aren't possible pregnant or when we have to take turns for watching DS). In the back of my head I wonder if he ever will. I guess time will tell. One thing that's definitely true about it is the moments of pure joy in life come so much more frequently.
I'm sorry @dmontgo. You're definitely not alone...I think a lot of people have those type of scenarios pop into their heads from time to time, especially when they've gon through something big emotionally. I've had them too during this pregnancy but in regards to my husband. One of those times he was supposed to go out late with his coworkers to celebrate one getting married and I was laying in bed with one of my boys and just couldn't stop crying because I was afraid something would happen to him. (I think this fear also has something to do with the fact that I know a friend of a friend who lost her husband when she was pregnant with her 3rd child) Anyways, I think it's good that you made an appointment and can talk about it with someone and could recognize that it might help...not everyone does.
My MB is my SIL. Washed all our baby bottles this morning (been putting it off for what seems like forever lol) because I was having contractions from about 3-5am last night so I thought I would stop putting it off and just be ready for whenever she decides to come, whether that be sooner or later and my SIL said it was just braxton hicks. Sorry but did you invade my body last night and feel what I was feeling? This is my third pregnancy, I think I can tell the difference, thanks. And when I told her I knew what Braxton hicks felt like because I've been having them during this pregnancy, she told me that she had contractions up to a month before she gave birth, which I don't doubt but that doesn't mean that's how it is for everyone and it wasn't like I was saying I'm going to go into labor tomorrow....just said I washed the bottles to be prepared either way, geez. Ok, rant over
My BF is that on my last night of on call last night before maternity leave (which starts today, finally) I got called in for not one but two surgeries. Normally I don't mind -it's my job- but I ended up spending 11pm-5am at the hospital/in the OR. All I could think was what if I go into labor in the middle of surgery? And, how shitty that would be to go into labor already exhausted from not sleeping. Anyway, I got through it and now I'm on not on call again or working for 3 months. A second BF is that I feel like a bulldog sleeping. I keep waking myself up by literally choking on my own stomach acid. No amount of antacids and sleeping with my head up seem to help. It gets me into these coughing fits that I feel when I take deep breaths for days after!
Thank goodness we are almost in December, this last month of pregnancy is kicking my ass!
@dmontgo I think you are doing as well as you can, with what has been thrown at you in your life pre Ashton and post Ashton. Seeking help is a good thing and should be applauded. It shows how much you want to be a good mother. I hope, if you are experiencing depression or anxiety, that getting the help you need helps.
As for my Monday BF, it really started on Thanksgiving. All of my FI's family kept trying to touch my belly. Uh, no, keep your hands off. I have already told you multiple times it makes me uncomfortable. Why can't they listen and respect what I ask? Also, all his aunts and his mom kept telling me how it looks like the baby has dropped and I'll probably deliver well before my due date. Um, I just had an U/S three days prior, and the baby had not dropped. I know things can change quickly, but I can still feel her butt up under my ribs, and I still get super out of breath every time I go up stairs. I tried to explain that but they wouldn't listen, still insisting the baby dropped because of the shape and lowering of my belly. Um, no, again, I have had a lower abdomen the whole pregnancy. So then they go on to insist that it wasn't possible because I was having a girl and girls carry high and boys carry low. How to explain old wives tales to old wives who think they know everything because they all had kids? And about delivering before my date...stop making me anxious! I'm not quite ready yet. Emotionally I am, but there is still a lot of things my FI and I need to get and do before she gets here. And then one of his aunts has the gall to say that I need to hold out until the 4th so the baby is born on her son's birthday. Um, I'm also a December baby. Why can't the baby be born on my birthday? I am the one pregnant!!!!!!!!! It's my kid!!!!!! And they all keep asking my FI where we we'll be delivering. I hope they realize I will not be having pop in visitors. They must call first, so that we can space out visitors and not be overwhelmed. Maybe I should make sure my FI makes that clear to them..
Ugh, my BF is my boss. He tells us the CEO comes into his office asking what me and my counterpart are doing. So I tell him exactly what I'm doing, and he replies no, on the whole. So my counterpart and I just flip. He ends up calling a meeting and we go off. We've sent what our duties are, the CEO should know what we do at this point. He then goes on to tell us he isn't happy because production is low and we need to increase it. We are doing what we can, but what is the goal? His response? You don't need to know, just do as I tell you. WTF!? So then I go off on him (I'm usually the calm one reigning in my counterpart) l, asking him how he expects me to do my job without knowing where I or my team needs improvement and what the goals we are trying to reach are? He finally stated what the goals were but we didn't have to worry about it, just do what he tells us to do. That's in no way effectively managing us, and my a$$ is not going down with you when you screw up. Then my counterpart and I decide we've had enough and are going to go to his boss, only to be told he is leaving the company on FRIDAY! F&*%! At least he is not going to tell us when the CEO comes asking him what my counterpart and I do anymore. So over this.
Edited because fat fingers hit post instead of the button I wanted to finish writing.
Married 4/12/13 TTC since 6/13 Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016 SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
My BF is that my husband is sleeping on the couch right now and it is driving me crazy. I'm the sleep deprived one! Not him! He gets a decent night sleep while I stay up with Natalie, who is also sleeping peacefully on me at the moment. I'm sure the cat is also dozing somewhere too. So basically everyone is nice and cozy and resting except me. How is this fair?! I want a nap too! Welcome to motherhood I guess?
ETA: at least this one is pretty cute and snuggly...
@ea301 ugh I remember this situation. So unfair. Motherhood is definitely a different kind of self sacrifice like no other. Thanks for the reminder- I need to mentally prepare
LO was born early and definitely in newborn clothing, which I owned nothing of. Anything I had bought was 3 months and over, so last Saturday (after my mom had bought some basic white snap across shirts and MIL bought an outfit after he was born - which he basically wore all week) I went to a local baby consignment store and spent some money on a TON of newborn stuff... which he'll be in for awhile since he's under 7lbs. Poor kid had nothing to wear!
That night, we did a belated Thanksgiving at my SIL's place. I had been asking her ALL summer to go through their baby stuff and see if there would be anything we would need, but she never did. Well, she FINALLY did after he was born this past weekend, so DH and I went through some of that stuff. THEN, she asked me why I went shopping when she had some stuff he could have, etc. Um... cos I asked you ALL summer to go through that stuff and you never did??? This included clothes and other baby items (pnp, bouncers, swings, etc).
I was so annoyed.
Me: 37 years old
DH: 39 years old
Married: October 17, 2014 TTC Since: November 2015 BFP: March 31, 2016 DS: November 21, 2016
December'16 December Siggy Challenge: Elf on the Shelf Fails **winner**
My BF is a 3-parter. My doctors office was nearly an hour and a half behind schedule this morning and I was only the 3rd patient. By the time my midwife got to me she only listened to her heart rate and swabbed me for my GBS. Didn't ask if I had questions, nothing. Seriously my appt was less than 5 minutes. I find it highly irritating because, 1- I had to wait, 2- I felt like she didn't give me the time of day and 3- she couldn't find my physical therapy paperwork last week, so she refused my referral and told me we would talk about it today. Obviously that didn't happen.
Part two is that my boss is seriously in denial about how far along I am in this pregnancy. I was trying to leave at 3 today because I've had BH for about 24 hours. Not timeable, but very uncomfortable. When I told her about this she was shocked that I could even be having them at this point. Considering that I'm consistently measuring ahead and am already over 35 weeks, pretty sure it's safe to say baby is coming some time in the next 4-5 weeks. I had 4 of our senior management ask me why I was in the office today. They thought I had started my work from home time before going on leave. Nope, my boss isn't allowing it yet. I did casually mention to our President though that I plan to be working from home within the next 2 weeks and got his blessing.
Part three is one of my subordinates. He's worked for me for 2 years. When my boss and I initially discussed my leave time we both felt that he was not at the right level to fill in for me, which is why we hired part-time help. Over the past few months his work has been slipping. I've had multiple meetings with him, given him one-on-one refresher training, sent him to training seminars, etc. Last week I caught a pretty big error and told him that after 2 years in this job there is no valid excuse for this type of mistake. Today in a meeting I became so frustrated because we (my team and I) were reviewing projects and he was up first. He seriously had major errors on every single one of his projects. I told him that I needed him to go back and correct his mistakes immediately. My boss got wind of this and so now I will be meeting with him individually tomorrow morning to tell him that if he does not make immediate improvements he will be written up. This is just not what I wanted to be dealing with right before going on leave. it makes me so nervous to be out of the office with one barely trained part time replacement and one seasoned employee with slipping performance.
Sh*t. Literally. That is my BF. My in laws and other family that stayed with us this weekend have different bathroom rules. They don't put toilet paper in the toilet, they put it in the garbage. Apparently this started because their septic tank couldn't 'handle' the toilet paper. But I've asked them several times to please put the toilet paper in the toilet when at our place (and anywhere else for goodness sakes!) not our tiny bathroom garbage. So I try to throw something away in our bathroom garbage today (it's got a lid) and it's full of used toilet paper. Soooo not cool. Gross. Ugh.
Ew. @yellingbanana that is so gross!!! I would be so annoyed.
My BF is also my boss although it's half hearted at best, since im on leave and don't have to see him. Me and another coworker ran a team at our school that planned these special, themed, multi-age group meetings every week with kids. After several shitty interactions with coworkers she took herself off the team ( we had volunteered so it was allowed). The last three weeks id been planning alone and it was super overwhelming. So today I send out my last few notes about it, only to get an email back that were quitting until after Xmas break. He let me do all these plans alone and quit the entire project when I left bc we were short staffed? If I'd known quitting was an option I would have asked for that weeks ago!
My MBF is the annoying old lady at work today, it was my last work day and she kept asking me if I needed a wheel chair or if she could take me up to L&D yet. Listen you old bitty, I'm not having contractions, I can walk just dam fine and I'm not even delivering at this hospital. And she kept telling people "well I wanted to wheel her up to delivery but she wouldn't let me"...cue WTF face gif here
I've had the most annoying luck this year with getting Christmas presents bought. One item I bought for $60 came and the box said it was $39.88... they priced it up friggen $20?!?! I sent it back and b*ched to the company because I think that's total BS.. they say they haven't received it and haven't refunded my money yet. Next, I ordered custom t-shirts with my dad's company logo on them and they came in a completely darker color than I actually ordered.. took the company two weeks to get back to me to give me a whopping 15% off a future order.. Geee thanks. Among other little hiccups with ordering, I've gotten so frustrated. Lastly now, I ordered a whiskey online that we aren't able to find anywhere around here that my dad absolutely loves. I had to make a minimum purchase of $60 + pay shipping and this was now 3 weeks ago... nothing has come and I've now contacted the company twice because I won't believe it until I see it with the whiskey. A gal just now responded saying they don't sell it anymore. WOW.. ok.. so 1) you weren't going to tell me?? 2) where the F is my money? 3) screw this
@yellingbanana that is gross!! My grandparents, God rest their souls, never had running water. That being said, when we visited them as kids, we had to put our used toilet paper in a designated paper bag beside the toilet instead of down the toilet. Also, we only flushed after a good old #2.. and to flush you have to pour a bucket of water down very quickly.. oh, and we got that water from the well outside. Needless today, I'm glad I'm living in the era that I am & am also glad that as a kid I didn't think twice about it.
@temmetime Same here! My grandparents lived on a farm 20 miles outside of town, and were also on a well, but they did have running water... sort of. The flow was SO WEAK, you never were able to properly rinse the shampoo out of your hair. But yeah, we had the same toilet rules too - you left the pee, threw away the pee paper, and had to pour water to adequately flush anything else. Memories.
Re: Monday BF 11-28
TTC since November 2015
BFP #1 12/17/15 - MC 1/28/16
BFP #2 4/22/16 - EDD 12/30/16
Luckily I was already off work this week but I planned to clean and rest. DD is super clingy. understandable but DH had to get to work so I'm on my own. and I started coughing this morning and I'm just hoping I don't catch something from her! my RCS is a week from today...I can't be sick!
Afraid Ashton will get hurt or die in very unlikely ways. Afraid DH, myself, or even my dog will die. Strangely mourning as if he has already grown and gone (maybe because he is growing in the NICU?), and that DH and I are getting older. Especially with Ashton hopefully coming home this week, I think my brain is terrified that because he is so small something will happen to him.
I mentally recognize that these thoughts are not "me" and that it is anxiety, but I can't seem to stop them. Gotta make an appointment. Bleh...
My BF is basically everyone right now. I know they all mean well, but as I am due in 4 days, NO I HAVEN'T GONE IN LABOR YET OR HAD MY BABY SECRETLY. Ugh! I will notify my family when something changes. It's so annoying to feel like I'm doing something wrong by not having my baby yet. Jeesh! Rant over.
My other BF is that my FIL goes to different flea market's every Saturday and Sunday to sell stuff and he wants us to go with him every weekend and when we go I have to get up at like 5am and then be rushed to get dressed when I can barely move without waddling so it takes a bit longer and my husband doesn't slwsyd want to go but he won't tell him no but he only wants us to go so we can sit wnd hang out with him all day long but I don't always want to do that because we leave at 5am then don't get home until 8/9pm and by then I'm exhausted and have to come home to clean up After my dogs and everything else and sometimes I just want to stay home and spend time with my husband who only gets one day off a week and I can't even do that plus we still have things that need done around the house that can't get done if we're not home and then my husband was telling a lady we know Saturday that we would have our son out there and I'm not going for that especially after I just had him. We need family time just me,him and LO.
Me:27 H:30
Till death do us part: 7.2.2011
Trying to conceive since 01.2014
Low AFC and azoospermia
IVF #1 03.2016 - BFP 03.28.2016
Due: 12.05.2016
I think you are right that the adrenaline is starting to wear off and I have to deal with my emotions. I think it's been easier to bury my feelings and experiences these past couple of weeks and months because I have been so distracted. I'm on the Bump a lot because it helps me to talk to you ladies. I noticed a couple of days ago that I was imagining essentially Final Destination scenarios for my little family---terrifying but have realistically .00000000000000000001% chance of happening. Not that I want to hurt my family...the scenarios just appear randomly. Gotta start unpacking the emotional baggage.
BUT
New motherhood awakens some very natural things in us and sometimes, especially at first, those can go a little wonky. A new mother can be soooo keenly aware of her newborn being near her and it can be really uncomfortable to be even across the room from baby. I had this. Normal, natural, decreased with the months. Though it still is hard for me to be gone from him for more than a work day. I also had it where I was a physical empath for my newborn at first - I'd know if he was having a tummy ache or something because I would feel it after subconsciously picking up subtle movement cues. New moms can have a very biological heightened sense of potential risk for baby - think back to a time when the rustle of a leaf could have meant your survival was threatened by a predator finding a healing new mom and little baby. VERY useful to be hyper aware except we don't have those dangers any more so sometimes those instinctive reactions get placed on things that aren't really dangers... It's not an indication something is necessarily wrong... it's more just we evolved over thousands of years for a reality that has totally shifted. Our biology hasn't quite caught up. Or has it? Most of my worry involves cars and falls. Both actually are huge risks. So while it's unsettling to imagine crazy stuff happening, it sort of makes sense to. It's your body being like YOU MUST PROTECT THIS NEEDY LITTLE BABE!!!
The instinct to not have others hold your baby - very very natural. Exposure to disease, though still a thing now, was so much greater a risk even just a few decades ago. I imagine having sweet Ashton in the NICU is INCREDIBLY challenging for all of these things. That's not necessarily an indication that something is wrong, perhaps just that you have a strong maternal bond.
So yea, while these things aren't necessarily signs something is off with you - but more signs that your body is reacting, in very natural ways, to its new job - I would think if they start feeling debilitating, there may be something to do? (where they may switch to beyond normal is something I can't speak to)
You know you best and if you aren't feeling like you are going to get through this on your own then get help now because that will help you be the best Mama to Ashton that you can be.
@dmontgo I feel like, if you’re wondering whether you need help, talking to your doc is an excellent idea, so I’m glad you’re going to do that! I think the line between normal baby blues and PPD/PPA varies from person to person. Just as an example, I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life. After DS, it set in big-time and I thought it was just “normal” baby blues. Looking back, given my history, I wish I had asked for help sooner so that I didn’t suffer for so long. For me, I needed meds to get through PPD/PPA, and I’m so glad I took them. I kind of feel like I remember you saying you’ve suffered from depression before, so maybe my experience applies somewhat to you, but please forgive me if not.
In any event, you’ve been through SOOOO much, and you’re doing an awesome job. Now you’re contending with the emotions of what you’ve been through and what you’re still coping with, coupled with the physiological post-partum stuff which is a bitch in and of itself. Talking to – and staying in contact with – your doc is an awesome idea. Hugs.
Me: 33 H: 36
Married: 12/14/13 DS: 1/29/09
BFP2: 10/9/15 MMC: 11/12/15
BFP3: 4/6/16 DD: 12/12/16
- First off, these thoughts... as scary as they are... are completely normal! I completely agree with slarty that I think when we are in the storm itself we just go into autopilot, and then once the storm begins to calm and everything catches up we are flooded with very overwhelming emotions. Be very kind to yourself. You are grieving, you didn't get the birth you were hoping for or the post partum start that you were hoping (huge understatement).... all of that is translated to a HUGE loss. It makes perfect sense that you are feeling overwhelmed.
- I also think there is a level of PTSD after these types of huge events. Any event that reminds us of our own or a loved ones mortality is going to stir up and trigger those thoughts. We are going to be reminded of the event and our brains are going to try to think of any possible scenario that could bring those feelings up again in the future. The biggest thing that helped me with the scary thoughts was something my therapist told me: That the thoughts actually serve a purpose, even though it doesn't really feel like it. Your brain is trying to think of possible scenarios so you DON'T do those things. These thoughts are basically super morbid ways of reminding you to be careful. I've also read that specifically post-partum that there actually might be a biological aspect to having the scary baby thoughts, as a way for you to take extra precautions.
Basically the rules my therapist gave me where that the thoughts aren't the problem it's how I react to the thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts, and I'm still in complete control on how I react to those thoughts. Also the more you try and FIGHT the thoughts the more they are going to happen, it's the whole don't think of a pink elephant theory. Reframing how I saw the thoughts made them less scary and eventually, along with therapy to work through all the emotional grieving the thoughts happened less and less. I still get them, (literally everyone gets them from time to time, but most just don't pay them any attention), but it gets much easier to just let them go, and know that they are just meaningless.
Sorry for the novel, I just feel for you so much right now, you have been through so much! Please take care of yourself, and know that I'm not trying to say any of this will 100% work for you too because everyone is different, I just wanted to share in hopes that some of it might help you too. I think it's a really good idea to keep your appointment to at least talk to someone. Just having an outlet with a professional who could tell me I wasn't nuts and it was all normal helped me more than anything.
I know you mentioned realizing this elsewhere too but friends aren't always the best go-tos for things like this unless they've been in a similar place. Everyone has their own lives and I think it can be impossible for many people to relate to or know how to help. It's not because they don't care. It's just that it's totally outside of their realm of understanding.
I have had depression before; I am assuming I am at risk more than some others. I'm very good at identifying my feelings, but struggling with the thought patterns and letting myself feel everything deeply without shame. Trying to connect more with the NICU resources as well for support even after Ashton is home.
I'm not angry at our friends for not knowing what to do...but I do feel disappointed because even a "Thinking about you" would mean a lot. But, I will admit that I don't feel very close to them anymore. These things just change you, I guess. I don't feel like the same person that I was, in some positive and some negative ways.
In some ways I'm very comfortable and okay with that. In other ways I hate it. But I also just feel like it is what it is. I feel like some of the ways I've changed are disappointing to DH too. He'll talk about how he can't wait to have his buddy back (we do a lot of physical activities together that aren't possible pregnant or when we have to take turns for watching DS). In the back of my head I wonder if he ever will. I guess time will tell. One thing that's definitely true about it is the moments of pure joy in life come so much more frequently.
My MB is my SIL. Washed all our baby bottles this morning (been putting it off for what seems like forever lol) because I was having contractions from about 3-5am last night so I thought I would stop putting it off and just be ready for whenever she decides to come, whether that be sooner or later and my SIL said it was just braxton hicks. Sorry but did you invade my body last night and feel what I was feeling? This is my third pregnancy, I think I can tell the difference, thanks. And when I told her I knew what Braxton hicks felt like because I've been having them during this pregnancy, she told me that she had contractions up to a month before she gave birth, which I don't doubt but that doesn't mean that's how it is for everyone and it wasn't like I was saying I'm going to go into labor tomorrow....just said I washed the bottles to be prepared either way, geez. Ok, rant over
Thank goodness we are almost in December, this last month of pregnancy is kicking my ass!
@dmontgo I think you are doing as well as you can, with what has been thrown at you in your life pre Ashton and post Ashton. Seeking help is a good thing and should be applauded. It shows how much you want to be a good mother. I hope, if you are experiencing depression or anxiety, that getting the help you need helps.
As for my Monday BF, it really started on Thanksgiving. All of my FI's family kept trying to touch my belly. Uh, no, keep your hands off. I have already told you multiple times it makes me uncomfortable. Why can't they listen and respect what I ask? Also, all his aunts and his mom kept telling me how it looks like the baby has dropped and I'll probably deliver well before my due date. Um, I just had an U/S three days prior, and the baby had not dropped. I know things can change quickly, but I can still feel her butt up under my ribs, and I still get super out of breath every time I go up stairs. I tried to explain that but they wouldn't listen, still insisting the baby dropped because of the shape and lowering of my belly. Um, no, again, I have had a lower abdomen the whole pregnancy. So then they go on to insist that it wasn't possible because I was having a girl and girls carry high and boys carry low. How to explain old wives tales to old wives who think they know everything because they all had kids? And about delivering before my date...stop making me anxious! I'm not quite ready yet. Emotionally I am, but there is still a lot of things my FI and I need to get and do before she gets here. And then one of his aunts has the gall to say that I need to hold out until the 4th so the baby is born on her son's birthday. Um, I'm also a December baby. Why can't the baby be born on my birthday? I am the one pregnant!!!!!!!!! It's my kid!!!!!! And they all keep asking my FI where we we'll be delivering. I hope they realize I will not be having pop in visitors. They must call first, so that we can space out visitors and not be overwhelmed. Maybe I should make sure my FI makes that clear to them..
Edited because fat fingers hit post instead of the button I wanted to finish writing.
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
ETA: at least this one is pretty cute and snuggly...
That night, we did a belated Thanksgiving at my SIL's place. I had been asking her ALL summer to go through their baby stuff and see if there would be anything we would need, but she never did. Well, she FINALLY did after he was born this past weekend, so DH and I went through some of that stuff. THEN, she asked me why I went shopping when she had some stuff he could have, etc. Um... cos I asked you ALL summer to go through that stuff and you never did??? This included clothes and other baby items (pnp, bouncers, swings, etc).
I was so annoyed.
TTC Since: November 2015
BFP: March 31, 2016
DS: November 21, 2016
Part two is that my boss is seriously in denial about how far along I am in this pregnancy. I was trying to leave at 3 today because I've had BH for about 24 hours. Not timeable, but very uncomfortable. When I told her about this she was shocked that I could even be having them at this point. Considering that I'm consistently measuring ahead and am already over 35 weeks, pretty sure it's safe to say baby is coming some time in the next 4-5 weeks. I had 4 of our senior management ask me why I was in the office today. They thought I had started my work from home time before going on leave. Nope, my boss isn't allowing it yet. I did casually mention to our President though that I plan to be working from home within the next 2 weeks and got his blessing.
Part three is one of my subordinates. He's worked for me for 2 years. When my boss and I initially discussed my leave time we both felt that he was not at the right level to fill in for me, which is why we hired part-time help. Over the past few months his work has been slipping. I've had multiple meetings with him, given him one-on-one refresher training, sent him to training seminars, etc. Last week I caught a pretty big error and told him that after 2 years in this job there is no valid excuse for this type of mistake. Today in a meeting I became so frustrated because we (my team and I) were reviewing projects and he was up first. He seriously had major errors on every single one of his projects. I told him that I needed him to go back and correct his mistakes immediately. My boss got wind of this and so now I will be meeting with him individually tomorrow morning to tell him that if he does not make immediate improvements he will be written up. This is just not what I wanted to be dealing with right before going on leave. it makes me so nervous to be out of the office with one barely trained part time replacement and one seasoned employee with slipping performance.
Sorry, that was a novel.
My in laws and other family that stayed with us this weekend have different bathroom rules. They don't put toilet paper in the toilet, they put it in the garbage. Apparently this started because their septic tank couldn't 'handle' the toilet paper. But I've asked them several times to please put the toilet paper in the toilet when at our place (and anywhere else for goodness sakes!) not our tiny bathroom garbage. So I try to throw something away in our bathroom garbage today (it's got a lid) and it's full of used toilet paper. Soooo not cool. Gross. Ugh.
My BF is also my boss although it's half hearted at best, since im on leave and don't have to see him. Me and another coworker ran a team at our school that planned these special, themed, multi-age group meetings every week with kids. After several shitty interactions with coworkers she took herself off the team ( we had volunteered so it was allowed). The last three weeks id been planning alone and it was super overwhelming. So today I send out my last few notes about it, only to get an email back that were quitting until after Xmas break. He let me do all these plans alone and quit the entire project when I left bc we were short staffed? If I'd known quitting was an option I would have asked for that weeks ago!
BFP#1 & MC:August 2015 BFP: #2 10/01/2015 MC: 10/09/2015 BFP #3: 12/22/2015 @ 5 weeks MC/CP: 12-23-2015
Fertility Appointment: Feb 23/16, Hysteroscopy 03/02/2016,
BFP #4: 03/31/16 EDD 12/01/2016
Next, I ordered custom t-shirts with my dad's company logo on them and they came in a completely darker color than I actually ordered.. took the company two weeks to get back to me to give me a whopping 15% off a future order.. Geee thanks. Among other little hiccups with ordering, I've gotten so frustrated.
Lastly now, I ordered a whiskey online that we aren't able to find anywhere around here that my dad absolutely loves. I had to make a minimum purchase of $60 + pay shipping and this was now 3 weeks ago... nothing has come and I've now contacted the company twice because I won't believe it until I see it with the whiskey. A gal just now responded saying they don't sell it anymore. WOW.. ok.. so 1) you weren't going to tell me?? 2) where the F is my money? 3) screw this
DS: 12/20/16
EDD: 11/29/18
DS: 12/20/16
EDD: 11/29/18
BFP#1 & MC:August 2015 BFP: #2 10/01/2015 MC: 10/09/2015 BFP #3: 12/22/2015 @ 5 weeks MC/CP: 12-23-2015
Fertility Appointment: Feb 23/16, Hysteroscopy 03/02/2016,
BFP #4: 03/31/16 EDD 12/01/2016