New to tests/treatment and seeking support

Jeansis · November 2016

Hello! I am new to this community, so this is my first post to introduce myself. My dh and I have been ttc for about eight years now, and have finally accepted that we need some help and had our first appointment with an RE about one month ago. (That might sound crazy that we waited so long to see a specialist, but we have our reasons.)

A little background …I am 34 years old and dh is 36. I have never been on birth control and have never been pregnant. Not once in eight years of regular unprotected sex. My husband and I used condoms during the first few years of marriage, and then stopped using them when we decided we wanted our family to grow. One year, two years, three years went by and I just kept thinking, “It will happen.” “We just need to keep trying.” “Next month is our month!” “This year is our year!” After eight years of this, I think I have been in denial about needing help.

DH and I just started our tests and treatment last month. So far, the only abnormality is that my thyroid was slightly off, so I am taking levothyroxine to improve my numbers. I had never heard that that could be a problem, and hoping this will help. (I think they said it was 4.1, but needs to be in the 1-2 range.) I just started my cycle and am going to have an HSG next week. I had a bad pelvic infection when I was a teenager (no idea what it was, but it sent me to the ER), and my RE thinks this might have left scar tissue or something that blocked one or both tubes. Hoping for at least one open tube. If tubes are open and everything looks okay, then my RE wants me to go on clomid as our first step. None of this sounds too scary, but I am struggling with a lot of fear and anxiety about what else might be ahead. “What if it doesn’t work?” keeps echoing in my head.

I have read some of the posts and I can relate to so much that has been written here, but I will just share some of the things I have been struggling with.

The biggest problem I am having right now is that I feel like less of a woman because I cannot become pregnant naturally. I know in my head that this is NOT true, but when I am feeling down, this is where my mind goes. Over the years, I have watched female friends and family members become pregnant and have healthy babies with ease. My best friend has 5 beautiful children. It seemed like every time I turned around she was pregnant again! (I actually “lost touch” with her for about a year because it was too painful to talk to her.) All of my female cousins (all about the same age as me) have kids and they all became pregnant easily and/or unexpectedly (the most recent one got pregnant only a month after her wedding). I’ve watched friends and coworkers effortlessly become pregnant their 1st, 2nd, 3rd even 4th baby while I have been trying so hard to have ONE. I even know a young woman (18) who became pregnant despite being on birth control! That was the daughter of a coworker of mine, and she was not at all ready to be a mother. I almost collapsed when I heard that. I have observed all of these effortless, sometimes unwanted pregnancies over the years and thought to myself, “What’s wrong with me?” “Why can’t I do this?” “What did I do to deserve this?”

Over the years, I have tried to compensate for my lack of children in other ways, such as by pursuing advanced degrees and focusing on my career. I have also picked up just about every hobby known to man for at least a few weeks! Cake decorating, jewelry making, painting, knitting, sewing, you name it! I’ve probably tried it! However, I think that this has all been a means of distracting myself. Keep as busy as possible to avoid facing the problem!! Accepting that I need help to have a baby is painful for me. It makes me feel like a failure, like I did something to cause it. I have always felt like I was not as pretty, not as smart, not as worthy as other women. I was bullied from a young age, and I think that this has had a lasting effect on my self-esteem. The message that I got from the girls who bullied me as a child was that I was “wrong,” inside and out. For a long time, I have successfully fought those feelings of inadequacy, but not being able to conceive a child on my own has brought it all back to the surface. Acknowledging the problem and seeking help for it means I have to face it, and all of the emotions that go along with it.

The people around me have not helped either. I have heard many of the same things I’ve seen shared by others here. “You just need to relax! You’re overthinking it!” “I know this couple who adopted and then got pregnant! Maybe you should try that.” “Have you considered IVF?” “Try to be patient.” I know that the people who have said these things to me over the years meant well, but these comments are so damaging. The first few times they stung, but now I just get pissed off when I hear them. Mostly I don’t even talk to anyone about it anymore. Not even my family. I don’t feel safe sharing with anyone about what I am going through because I fully expect them to make light of it or to dismiss it. This is not good.

There have been other hurtful comments that have led to me becoming closed off about wanting to be a mother as well, “Oh, well I got pregnant the first time we tried. Guess I’m just fertile Myrtle!” This one is the WORST. I almost LOST IT the first time I confided in a friend/coworker about having trouble getting pregnant and she said this in response. Really?! WTF is wrong with you?! And that was not the last time I heard it! A few years later, a different coworker who I had started to become close with said this to me! I instantly shut down. End of friendship! Honestly, this one just makes me angry and horrified that so many women would say such an awful, self-indulgent, insensitive thing to someone who is struggling to become pregnant. And you never know who might say this! Both times I heard this comment I was floored because the women were older than me, seemed like nice women, and I had started a friendship with them.

“Maybe you need to lose some weight.” A nurse practitioner (at a gyno’s office that I never returned to again) said this to me when I was a size 8/10 (don’t remember how much I weighed), but I have pics of myself from around that time and I looked fabulous! I was muscular and at a healthy weight for my height. I was also running a 5K every month and took hour long spin classes three days per week lol. It was just absurd and I almost walked out of the appointment when she said that to me.

“I never had that problem. All of my pregnancies were unplanned.” I know a lot of women who did not plan any of their pregnancies, so I have heard this one indirectly over the years. In fact, I barely speak to my sister because she has said such hurtful things to me over the years, usually along these lines. She does not want children herself, but she makes sure to tell me each time one of her friends gets pregnant…and about how easy it was for them, and about how happy she is for them, and about how happy they are…even if I have never met the friend! (My sister is kind of an asshole.)

“You’ve been married X years! Why don’t you have any kids?” Yes, I’ve been asked this. Most recently while getting a pedicure. I bought myself a spa package for mother’s day last May to help make it easier to get through it (my least favorite day of the year), and the girl doing my pedicure pulled out this gem. It stung, but I have become an expert at swallowing my emotions and pretending not to be bothered, so I just smiled, leaned back in the chair as nonchalantly as I could muster, and said, “Eh, I’ve been focusing on my career.” (Crying on the inside.)

For the last eight years, I have felt like I am on a roller coaster. I chart, I test, we BD on the right days, I get hopeful, I start googling “early pregnancy signs,” I test around the time I am expecting my period, they’re always negative, my period starts, and I fall into a pit of despair for a few days or more. I can’t ride the roller coaster for much longer.

Hoping to learn a lot here and find some support as I move forward. As I have said, I have almost no support system other than my DH, who I do not want to overburden. I don’t feel comfortable talking with any of my family or friends about these things because they usually respond in unhelpful ways. I hope that I can be a support to others here as well. Thanks for reading my super long first post!!

Kp214 · November 2016

@Jeansis I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. It is so hard and people who haven't experienced can be so insensitive. Many don't know what to say. You may want to have DH checked also as well as antisperm antibodies for both of you. I completely understand how you feel, that feeling of being less. This definitely triggers that for many of us.

You are not less. If you had diabetes and needed insulin, I don't think any of us would think we are lesser women, lesser beings. You are a strong woman. You will find out how strong and tough you are, how much perseverance and endurance you have. Good luck.

tiffanyw1783 · November 2016

I completely understand! DH and I have been trying for about 9 years now. I became a nurse practitioner just to go back to school to keep my mind off of fertility failures!! I don't have anyone to talk to about my fertility troubles except for DH and he's great but doesn't really understand how big of a failure I feel like. No one in my family has ever had issues with fertility. My sister has 3 unplanned children. I've had to deal with two of my younger cousins having children before they graduated high school (which almost made me have a nervous breakdown). It's nice to have an outlet like this board!

KLake42 · November 2016

It's really great that you are finally seeing a RE.

I can't guess at what challenges you are facing. Maybe they're small, and you just need a little boost of something or other to get pregnant. Or maybe you have some difficult paths ahead. But it's much easier to walk those paths when (1) you have an expert guiding you (your RE), and (2) you have the courage to start reaching out to folks here.

There are people here in all kinds of different situations, and it has helped me tremendously to know that I'm not alone. So many women face fertility problems-- it is not rare, and it doesn't make any of us less of a woman.

I'll add this-- it's helped me a lot to be open in my social circles that I'm struggling. I have had a lot of women approach me to share their stories, stuff that they don't want to talk about to just anyone, but they know that I get it.

I hope that your journey is not as difficult as you fear, and that you find support and comfort here.

Jeansis · November 2016

Thank you so much for your kind responses! I am glad that I came here.

@Kp214 Forgot to mention that DH has been checked twice in the last eight years, and both tests were perfectly normal. He is going to be checked again next week though. I have heard of anti-sperm antibodies. Will make sure to mention that at next appointment. Thank you!

@tiffanyw1783 That's an amazing accomplishment! I remember getting accepted to grad school and thinking, "Oh thank God! Something else to think about!" It was definitely a way for me to distract myself from my worries, and from people's questions. And I got to move to a new place for a while! Good escape from the problem all around, but only temporary.

@KLake42 I think it is amazing that you have the courage to be open in your social circles. I am afraid of opening up to most of my family and friends about this because I have had so many negative experiences with sharing. I wish I could be more open in my social circles, but I feel like I need to keep to myself to protect myself. I'm sure that some people would be kind, but I am afraid of the responses I might get from the insensitive/clueless people in my social circles, so I am incredibly careful about who I open up to these days. Pretty much just my husband and my mom aside from this forum. Thank God for this forum!

Thank you all again for your kind responses!

PoeMasque · November 2016

So many of your experiences resonated with me! Although we have only been trying for a little over a year, I work with about 100 women in their 20s and there was a pregnancy announcement about every two weeks. I had a coworker scrunch her face at me when I mentioned our struggle, saying "huh, all I have to do is look at my husband and I get pregnant!". Another co-worker got pregnant and talked about it non-stop. It was as if she was the first human being to ever carry a child (it annoyed everyone, not just me). I finally told her we'd been trying for a year and she never talked to me again! I have also heard the "just relax", "acupuncture is how I got pregnant!" and recently a 60 year old co-worker whispered "you need to be on top, woman on top is the only way it works"!! On the flip-side, I have met a lot of women who struggled to have kids too, some who never ended up pregnant at all. It is really great to have them there when someone says something completely insensitive.

I agree with pp that an RE is the best thing you can be doing right now. Hopefully testing will find something that is easily remedied and you will get to start the family you deserve!

In the meantime, welcome to the board

Jeansis · November 2016

Oh my gosh! I have never gotten position advice...thank goodness! That is so bizarre! And that is crazy that your coworker never spoke to you again! I have never experienced total blanking, but I did have an experience where a coworker distanced herself from me after I shared about being unable to become pregnant. She knew I was having problems because I shared with her during a lunchtime walk one day. Soon after that, she started talking to me less and less and gravitating towards the other young woman who shared our office space. It was like I had the plague or something! She even started taking lunchtime walks with the other woman instead of me. They would also frequently discuss their kids and pregnancy experiences openly in the office (Both had 1 child and were working on the 2nd). It sucked.

I do know a few older women who never had kids (friends of the family mostly), but not sure if it was by choice or not. I have never thought to go to them for support, but that is a great idea. Thank you for your response!

rainbowwishes5 · November 2016

Oh @Jeansis I'm so sorry!!! IF is one of the worst things

I'm hoping that you find the help and hope you need here. Welcome.

Jeansis · November 2016

Thanks @rainbowwishes5! I hope so too!

kaseycoco · November 2016

@Jeansis Welcome, to the board. I can relate to many of your thoughts and experiences. It's hard to make the step to see a professional, but it definitely doesn't make you less of a woman. I understand the feeling of failure associated with not being able to conceive, but what I've learned through this journey so far is that A LOT of people get help and just don't talk about it. Only the "fertile myrtles" talk about how easy it was for them (which is also a sore point for me too) but most people don't come out and share they're having a hard time (and that's so rude of your co-worker who responded that way when you did open up to her). When I go to my fertility clinic it is packed full of people every time, and it made me realize IF is much more prevalent than I thought before I started treatment. I hope you can get some answers soon though, but I'm glad you found a positive community to support you through your journey!

Jeansis · November 2016

Thank you @kaseycoco!

Feeling more supported and encouraged already!

laurad75 · November 2016

@Jeansis I also wanted to welcome you to the board. I'm sorry that you are here and that you have struggled for so long but I think you will really enjoy being a part of the community.

Collectively we have heard all the advice and insensitive comments. We know how hard it is.

I'm glad you are working with a RE now. FX you get some answers.

porche123 · November 2016

Welcome to the board, @Jeansis. I am also new to this board but I have joined the bump few months ago. I am sorry you have to be here and IF really does sucks. I know what you mean when you feel less than a woman because you can't get pregnant naturally. I felt the exactly same way when I started seeing my RE and going through all the testing. And right now I am in the process of probably both of my Fallopian tubes and proceeding to IVF which means I will never be able to get pregnant naturally. But don't give up, keep fighting for what you want and it will be worth it in the end. There will be negative comments along the way but don't let that affect you. During the Thanksgiving break, I had dinner with my DH's family and one of his nephew who is around six or seven year old out of no where blurted out to us and said "I can't believe you guys don't have children yet". I was so shocked because it came out of no where from a six year old. I literally just forced a fake laugh and at the same time I was holding my tears back. I am not mad at my DH's nephew at all because he's just an innocent kid but the fact that I heard that really hurts. I keep reminding myself that somebody in the world probably have it worst. And keep thinking of the things that I have and should be thankful for. That usually help me go through the negative thoughts.

I usually like to lurk, read and learn from the boards but I'll definitely participate more now since it does make me feel a lot better when I give support and receive support at the same time.

Jeansis · November 2016

Thanks so much @laurad75 and @porche123! I am grateful to have found some people who have had similar struggles and who really understand.

@porche123 I am sorry for what you are going through. That sounds so difficult. I am sorry you had to hear those comments as well, especially on Thanksgiving.

New to tests/treatment and seeking support

Re: New to tests/treatment and seeking support

Choose Another Board

Search Boards