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Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 11.15

dmontgodmontgo member
in December 2016 Moms


I know I've missed some drama...what's your crazy family doing this week?
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Re: Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 11.15

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  • kbdukekbduke member
    So we have three weeks left before our due date. Since finding out we were pregnant I've discussed with DH many times that I only want him in the room when I'm in labor and then delivering. Guests are welcome at the hospital after baby is here but I want that time for the two of us and our new little family. The deal was that I would talk to my family and he would handle his. I told my family months ago and everyone is super on board and supportive.

    Last night we have dinner with his dad, stepmom, brothers, and SIL's. Turns out, he hasn't talked to any of them about this. OK, no big deal. I share our wishes and everyone there is good with it and respectful of our decisions. I wish DH would have stepped up and taken care of it himself but it is what it is and everyone reacted well.

    On the way home I ask DH if he has spoken to his mom about our plan. Nope. And she's the one I'm most worried about because she will want to be there during everything (She insisted on holding one of SIL's legs during pushing in her labor, refused to leave the room, etc). We have a short time to go and I feel like him waiting until the last minute is going to cause serious drama when he finally says something, if he ever does. I don't understand what is to hard about having an adult conversation with his mom especially knowing the longer he waits the worse it's going to be. And I don't want to have to be the bad guy and break the news to his mom but I feel like he will never do it himself.
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  • penelope4612penelope4612 member
    @kbduke - do you know what your hospital policy is on visitors in L&D?  At our hospital you give them names of who is allowed in (maximum of 3 I think) and those people check in with ID and get a special wristband that gives them access.  If you're not on the list, security will turn you away.  So I feel confident that even if MIL shows up, I'm not putting her on the list and she's not getting in.

    Unfortunately this doesn't solve the issue with your DH but if you knew how it would be handled if she did show up you might feel better.  Sometimes it also helps with a potentially awkward conversation (instead of your DH saying "we don't want you there" he can say "hospital policy doesn't allow an extra person" or whatever.)
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  • leksiLleksiL member
    @kbduke - can you maybe approach the conversation with your MIL, like, we are going to let everyone know when the baby is here and we are cleared for visitors? What is your preferred method of communication - since it could be anytime of day would you like a text? Like it never occurred to you that she would be in the delivery room. It never occurred to me that my MIL would dream of being there. I mean your SIL is her daughter so that is a totally different relationship.

    I can't get over these families and how intrusive they are! We are not telling anyone except for my two BFFs and my mom (who lives a safe 6 hour drive away) that we are even going into labor. It's not a time to be worrying about other people's needs - just your new little family and the babies. 
    Me: 38, DH: 36 
    Married Jan 2008 
    DD Baby Bells born Dec 2016 5 lbs, 12 oz, 18" <3 so in love <3
    Due with #2 Baby Arya EDD February 2020


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  • penelope4612penelope4612 member
    @kbduke - I totally agree that your DH needs to have a convo with his mom!  And it would be awful if she showed up thinking she could get in and was turned away.  But I also agree with @leksiL - if SHE also hasn't brought it up, it would be pretty rude to just assume she could just show up without asking.  But idk your MIL or your family dynamics so maybe not?
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  • kbdukekbduke member
    @penelope4612 and @leksiL thank you so much for the responses and advice.

    She's made several comments on how we are to call her on the way to the hospital (which DH just ignores instead of using it as an opportunity to address the situation). My SIL I mentioned is actually DH's brother's wife, so my MIL is her MIL as well. I know she fully expects to be in the room just from some comments she's said.

    I just feel like this is an issue that shouldn't be a big issue. Just have a conversation and move on. But it's turning into what could be a fiasco because DH won't approach it. I'm pretty sure at this point I'm just going to have to have the conversation with her myself. I would rather do it now than have it hanging over our heads for the next few weeks.
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  • MissLeighAndBabyGMissLeighAndBabyG member
    @kbduke she insisted on holding SILs leg when SIL isn't even her daughter?? That would make me super uncomfortable. I hope your DH can find it in him to address it, I don't think it's fair to make you deal with his family.
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  • kbdukekbduke member
    Thanks ladies!!
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  • aevan011aevan011 member
    @kbduke ....yeah DH needs to open his mouth and take care of it. It's unfortunate that you've been put in that position to maybe have to step in. Refusing to leave SILs labor? Um, red flag, DH should recognize this could become a major issue. 

    @slartybartfast I hope your appointments will help with the self-care, I am terrible with it myself when I get stressed out. Hopefully the dinner will go smooth for you. Sorry they're just adding stress at the worst possible time!

    @BenNSarah That sounds like a really uncomfortable party....sorry your fam is passive aggressive and kinda ruined the planned surprise. Congrats! Don't let them take the joy out of it :)
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
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  • BenNSarahBenNSarah member
    @kbduke my DH was procrastinating on a holiday conversation with his mom that I had with my parents 2 months ago.  Something about boys and their mama's.  Although he snuck in the "not in the L&D room" conversation a few months ago when his mom had an emergency surgery and she was quite knocked out on painkillers.  So I feel your pain.  He needs to suck it up and just do it.
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  • slartybartfastslartybartfast member
    Thanks @aevan011 - it was a weird counseling appt. SUPER helpful, but also weird. Weird because we were talking about the distress and aggravation in the country right now and it became clear he is also having a lot of trouble coping with the election and its implications.

    Super helpful because he has an exercise to do to help cope and it seemed insurmountable for me to untangle all the stressors in my life. Here's the exercise - write down the stressor - be specific - so for instance for me with the incoming president and cabinet - there were like 7 different ones that also included the 2 hate crimes I've unfortunately witnessed downtown this week and the major changes in my workplace going on right now. Then 1) how does it make you feel (a few sentences) 2) what's the worst that can happen and 3) what part of that do I control.

    It really helped to talk down some of the ideas in my head that were getting exaggerated too. I feel much calmer today... I've been at like a 10 on stress scale all week so any normal annoyances or issues were just too much - I had no fuse. No a very helpful place to be...
    Pregnancy Ticker
    Mother of an April '15 baby
    Due December 16
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  • aevan011aevan011 member
    @slartybartfast  That exercise sounds great. I'm going to try it. Sometimes my therapy appointments feel like it takes me too long to pinpoint exactly what I want to work on...so I don't get to the point where she gives me help with tools. I spend a lot of time just venting, which is great but not productive for my anxiety later. Thanks for sharing with me, maybe this will change the two weeks between appointments. 

    Glad you feel calmer today, it's rough to spend days and weeks on the high end of stress scale/anxiety. As if pregnancy wasn't exhausting enough, adding the stress (election especially) is horrendous. 
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
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  • slartybartfastslartybartfast member
    @aevan011 - that's one thing about this counselor - he doesn't let me talk to much or go into things too deeply. He's really big on taking things one little piece at a time. Sometimes it's frustrating but it's been so incredibly effective! I will say I just tried to finish the exercise with MIL stressor and came up a little blank on that one...
    Pregnancy Ticker
    Mother of an April '15 baby
    Due December 16
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  • AbriannaOAbriannaO member
    @slartybartfast, I love that exercise! I may need to incorporate that in my life with some things that I am going through. I met with a new therapist for the first time yesterday as I am wanting to establish a contact for PPD and also to help talk out my high anxiety issues I have in general (been in and out of therapy throughout the years for depression and anxiety) and boy did I dislike her. I have a list of four others that I am going to call to set up appointments to meet with because she was not helpful at all. If anything, she brought up more anxiety.This woman seemed to belittle me and how I feel and not listen to me when I tell her that I know for a fact that my thoughts are irrational, but for some reason, no matter what I do, I cannot stop having them. Her advice: "why not tell yourself why these thoughts are irrational and then that should calm you down" - oh jeeze lady, thanks, I am cured, I would have never thought of that!!! Having a back ground of both my parents being therapists, it can be a challenge finding quality professionals because I know what the typical tricks and treatments are, so I need something different. 
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  • slartybartfastslartybartfast member
    @AbriannaO - that's awful. I feel incredibly lucky to have found a good one. He never gives me the session I'm looking for... and I always get WAY more out of it than I anticipate. I hope hope hope you have better luck with the next ones you try!
    Pregnancy Ticker
    Mother of an April '15 baby
    Due December 16
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  • aevan011aevan011 member
    @slartybartfast I'm sure there are gonna be some things as unpredictable as in laws that just won't work in this equation lol. My counselor interjects in my venting to give productive, thoughtful commentary so it's not a complete loss. I guess I just haven't really dug too deep with her very often, so we tackle surface issues. 

    @AbriannaO That would make me so mad! I have the same issues, that I know I'm overreacting but I can't stop the anxious thoughts. Also....I've worked in psych for about 9 years at this point as a recreation therapist - not the same as an LPC but still therapy. After watching colleagues, it's really hard to not analyze "okay...she asked me this, so she must be using THIS tactic and wants me to say __ " 
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
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  • AbriannaOAbriannaO member
    @aevan011, boy do I know how to respond to questions in the correct way from years of being counseled by parents! It makes it hard to find professionals to talk to because if they're going to use the routine ways with me, I will instinctively go into what I grew up learning with how to respond. I thought maybe seeing someone with a PhD instead of MSW or LPC would lead to a different process, but nope, it was a big disappointment. Here's to the next one hopefully being a good one. I really would like to move forward in sessions instead of doing initial ones over and over and talking about the same things.

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  • aevan011aevan011 member
    @AbriannaO Yes! On the one hand, I grew up learning how to answer to an abusive parent to save myself the grief. Then I get exposed to the world of psych....I actually have a hard time being true to my feelings even in a safe zone. Hope you can find someone soon! I had a really horrible experience years ago with one who sounds similar to what you just dealt with, but this time around I got lucky right off the bat. 
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
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  • caffeinenutcaffeinenut member
    Well ladies, seems I have a very similar problem.  Pushy family members wanting to be there while I am in labor.  Most specifically, my mother.  Now, my mother and I don't have a very good relationship.  In my opinion (and in my brother's and sister's opinions as well), she is super controlling and they both think she starts off attacking me with what must happen in every situation, instead of asking what I thought or felt.  Where they either just walk away or shut down and don't respond to her, I turn around and fight back, which usually ends up in a big fight and me being mean and rude to her just to get her to stop and shut up.  

    Point in fact, we were out to lunch this past weekend for my mother's birthday, and when my brother's FI asked if I knew anything about the hospital's visiting policy during and after labor, I responded by saying I was allowed 2 people in the delivery with me, but I wanted it only to be my FI.  Too personal.  Truthfully, I also know they have a 4 person only visiting rule, but I didn't want to get into all this at my mother's lunch.  But then my mother let it be known she was planning on being in the waiting area  while I was in labor.  Um, no, my FI and I had already decided that we wouldn't have anyone waiting around.  We would let them know when our baby was born and "schedule" visits so that we weren't so overwhelmed with people all at once.  Well, my mother wasn't having that.

    She was incredibly mad that I "didn't want her there, didn't want to share this with her, and that she had to call before coming to visit".  Yes, you have to call before coming.  I need to know who will be around so I don't get all stressed with too many people.  Plus, I am the one having the baby, and no, it is not a moment I want to share with anyone but my FI.  I was so floored and angered by the fact she had assumed and planned everything to her wants without asking me if I had any plans or ideas myself, that I got a bit nasty with her and told her I didn't care what her thoughts and feelings were, they didn't count in this matter.  Yes, I know that was rude and mean, but it was the only way I could get through to her what I wanted.  If I had tried quiet and diplomatic, she would have just ignored me and went on about what she thought was best and what she was going to do.  

    So I pretty much ruined our lunch, and my family is mad at me.  Though I did have a long and civil conversation with my sister the next day, where I could articulate exactly what I wanted and why without being attacked verbally, and she completely understands and relayed it to my brother, who now understands as well.  But when she tried to talk to my mother, it went nowhere.  

    Oh well, truthfully, I've been pushing my mother away from all this because I don't trust her with my feelings and thoughts, and thereby don't trust her with my baby.  It has gotten to the point where I am so sick and tired of her ignoring my feelings and wants about my life, and only pushing what she wants for my life, that I don't really care if she is around anymore.  I have been dealing with this for about 15 years now and I have yet been able to get her to see that her attacks and pushing is why I get so rude.  That all I want is to discuss things, not be told how is is going to be because that is the way she wants it.

    Sorry this was so long.  I'm sure there is much more to the story, but if I wrote it all out, it would probably be as long as a Game of Thrones novel.
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  • aevan011aevan011 member
    @caffeinenut I think I can speak for most of the regulars who post on this thread when I say that a lot of us have family members who not only can't handle boundaries, but also violate our wishes pretty often. Your post sounds so similar to my family drama recently. 

    Personally, I no longer speak to my mother and don't care how she feels about missing out on her first grandchild because her behavior put her in this situation, not mine. I was always the one backing down, never stood up for myself or got rude...it's been 15 years since I moved out of her house, and once I found out I was pregnant, it's like I finally had the motivation to STOP taking the bullshit and allowing others (her) to control me. 

    I'm glad your siblings understand, because it's a lot tougher when it feels like the entire family is against you. When I chose to go no contact with my mom, I had to have lots of these talks with my bro & sis to help them understand me. It's a difficult situation, and I hope she doesn't try to go against your wishes at the hospital. When you're admitted, make sure your nurses are aware that you don't want her allowed in. *hugs*


    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
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  • caffeinenutcaffeinenut member
    @aevan011 I really don't want to go no contact with my mother.  I don't want my daughter to miss out on what could be an important relationship.  However, I also don't want to keep up a toxic relationship because that could hurt my daughter.  So I'm really not sure what to do yet.  My sister told me she was going to talk to my mother's best friend and really the only person she might listen to, so there might be some hope.  I was going to let a few family know when I was headed to the hospital, so they could get all excited waiting for the "she's here" call.  Now, I've decided not to let anyone know when I go into labor.  My FI and I are just going to let everyone know after she is born.  That way there is no way anyone could show up early because no one will know we are there.
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  • caffeinenutcaffeinenut member
    @temmetime  I know exactly how you feel.  Also, add in all the things they think we should be doing or not doing, such as my future MIL doesn't think I should be walking the dog anymore.  But she's a good dog, she's good with me on a leash, and it gets me a half hour of exercise every day.  Isn't it my choice over whether it is too much for me?  Anyway, I've also taken to just telling people I am feeling fine as well.  I sometimes think they don't want to hear the details, they just ask to be polite and expect you to say just fine.
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  • l9il9i member
    @temmetime two of my coworkers ask me about every other day how I'm feeling, how it everything going, etc.  I learned awhile ago now to say "fine" and that's it.  It usually leads to no follow up questions and ends the conversation quickly.  If I voice any symptom at all I'll get all their "expert medical advice" (note: we all work in IT, not the medical field).  If I'm feeling particularly salty I can talk about how wonderful and amazing everything is.  They then become all pouty and leave me alone.
    Me: 26 & DH: 25
    Married: August 2014
    TTC since November 2015
    BFP #1 12/17/15 - MC 1/28/16
    BFP #2 4/22/16 - EDD 12/30/16
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  • aevan011aevan011 member
    @caffeinenut Of course! I wasn't trying to encourage you to go no contact...that's just a tough choice I made because I'd become exhausted from trying other tactics. Hopefully she will listen to her friend when you go that route. It sucks you have to change your plan of calling people, but I hope it lets you have a peaceful birth experience!

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
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  • slartybartfastslartybartfast member
    @abriannao this is such a poor time for him to leave you feeling unsupported! I hope your heart to heart goes well!
    Pregnancy Ticker
    Mother of an April '15 baby
    Due December 16
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  • MissLeighAndBabyGMissLeighAndBabyG member
    edited November 2016
    My ex MIL has shot down and basically "decided" that neither of my two favorite names are going to happen. She's been insulting them both and suggesting names that I would never choose in a million years. Some of them are okay but I still wouldn't use them. Seriously lady? You're just going to have to deal with it, it's not like your loser son has helped me with anything regarding DS or this pregnancy. In fact he's been a pain in my ass and both the kids and I would be a million times better off without him. Furthermore she loves to give parenting lectures. Like excuse me? Your 23 year old son moved himself, his girlfriend, and her 2 year old into your guest bedroom without asking on the pretense that it'd be very short term *its been 3 months*. Not to mention neither of them have jobs or are willing to try to get jobs because you let them live there rent free and without having to contribute to any bills *in which you love to complain about*! So yes, tell me again how fool proof your parenting advice is. Sorry, but I will sooner force my kids to learn the hard way than enable them to be low lives. I didn't even bring up his drug related felony charge or when he ran 3 hours away from home this past spring because god forbid he be a responsible father over getting some ass. I've done 90% of this parenting thing on my own since day 1 and I'm fully prepared to continue to figure it out alone with 2. Granted my SO now probably won't let me because he's a decent human being but he works 70 hour weeks for up to 6 months at a time so I'm still essentially getting no help. Ex MIL helps a lot despite her glaring flaws and that's great but do I really want her and her failed methods around my children? 

    Oh god, sorry for the book! I had to vent. The frustration with that circus of a family just keeps intensifying.

    *edits*
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