TW... Pregnancy after loss struggles

smoochie041719 · October 2016

I thought I would reach out and see if anyone is struggling with the same thing I am. I think I could really use a little support, as I'm sure we all can! Here is a little back story...my husband and I tried to get pregnant for 2.5 years and finally tried IVF in May/June 2016. We found out we were pregnant at the end of June, but lost the pregnancy by week 5. That very next month, we wound up pregnant naturally. It was a HUGE shock, and we are so blessed. I am 12+3 now, but still struggling every day to stay positive and feel like this is actually going to happen for us. I have no logical reason to worry as I have had two scans (the last at 10 weeks) and everything looked great. The wait between appointments and scans is the hardest. Our next appt is at 16 weeks and our next scan will be the anatomy scan, so it feels like a long wait. My husband is not struggling the same way I am, and while he tried to be supportive, he doesn't really understand. Anyone else really struggling to relax, stay positive, and enjoy their pregnancy after a loss? Do you have strategies that are helping you? TIA!

smoochie041719 · October 2016

Sorry, just saw that there is a board for this topic, but I am not sure how to delete this discussion from this board.

KirstinH88 · October 2016

Discussions can't be deleted. Don't worry, I don't think we've seen a PGAL board up in a few weeks. I am also PGAL. And I can completely understand how you are feeling. I have also had two scans. I'm 10 weeks now. And my next appt is in a week in a half. The whole time between appts I just think about all the "what ifs." It's hard, but I have to force myself to NOT go down that path. One thing I've found that has helped me get excited about baby is talking with friends/family who know about baby, looking at registry things, etc. I have definitely relaxed a bit more as time has passed and symptoms have remained, so I am feeling hopeful. I can also commiserate with the fact that DH just doesn't understand the complex feelings of PGAL. There's a saying that a mom becomes a mom the moment she is pregnant but a dad doesn't become a dad until the baby is born. And I think this saying may have a lot to do with those feelings. The loss physically happened to us, not them, so it's a bit harder for them to relate.

Wow! This response turned into a bit of a novel. Hopefully you can relax a bit and become a little excited for this baby. But the feelings that you are feeling are normal.

blackasnight · October 2016

My first pregnancy needed in a loss at 6 weeks. I immediately became pregnant before my first period. That entire pregnancy I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. PGAL brain is hard. You just need to take it day by day. Try to keep yourself distracted with other things. Just know you are not alone in your fears.

Dax28 · October 2016

I feel for you! I had a miscarriage in March at 8 weeks and in June at 4 weeks. Now I am 14w . The first 7 weeks were the hardest. DH and I didn't talk about the baby for fear we would lose this one too. I still struggle with fears that my baby isn't growing enough or that all this is not really happening, etc. I bought a Doppler so I can hear the babies heartbeat between appointments and that really has helped. Talking to friends and family also worked for me, you might consider professional help if you think that would help you and DH. Oh yes, DH also began to understand more when he talked to his coworkers and friends who also went through a misscarriage.

smoochie041719 · October 2016

Thanks everyone! It really helps to connect with others who have been there and understand the feelings!

@dax28 I have been thinking about a Doppler. Which one did you end up with and when did it start working for you?

nwshay · October 2016

I hear you OP! I had a MC in march and have been struggling between appts. My DH has really supportive and reminds me that the doctor told me my symptoms would taper off and not to be concerned. I'm 6 weeks past where I was at my last pregnancy and I'm still worried. I think I will be until 2nd tri. I don't have much advice but to stay positive. You're pregnant now! Listen to your body. If you have a concern, call your doctor. My nurse even gave me her email to bug her when I'm worried! It helps

twistsandturnsto2 · October 2016

After our own IF struggle and 2 chemicals, it was incredibly hard for me to relax and enjoy my first pregnancy. It didn't really become real to me until after DS was even born- I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop- and I think that's completely normal under the circumstances. I tried to focus on the good things happening and take each day as it came. Once I could feel him move, and we had a good NT scan and anatomy scan come back, it became a bit more real, but I still had my days. It's much easier said than done, believe me I know!

mamadeez · October 2016

I had an early loss in July and then got pregnant in the next cycle. Whenever I get frustrated my my SO or tired from managing my 1 year old and think "how will I handle two kids?" I get worried and guilty. It is weird but I feel like at 10 weeks I'm still not in the safe zone and every thought or action could have dire results.

I have just started embracing my pregnancy more. I'm hesitant about telling people, but finding ways to acknowledge and be excited about this pregnancy has been really helpful.

HGRich · October 2016

I answered you over on the PGAL board, but to answer your other question, I got a Doppler too and it's been great. I'm trying to use it once a week so I don't fret, but I bought a sonoline B from Baby Doppler online and it was a great price.

andrea0418 · October 2016

This is my 6th pregnancy and I only have 1 living child. PGAL brain sucks. I also have a doppler and use it every few days for reassurance. I first found the hb at 9w4d.

Dax28 · October 2016

I got the same Doppler, sonoline B. I forgot where, but it really does put my mind at ease. At this point the baby moves so much that sometimes it takes a while to find. So I take a break and try later. I started using it at 11 weeks.

super_sam03 · October 2016

I'm right there with you! I too struggled to get pregnant and natural was just not happening. We had 3 failed IUI's last fall and then a successful IVF in January this year. Unfortunately, at 6 weeks we miscarried due to chromosomal abnormalities. When I got that first BFP, nothing could touch me, I was floating on cloud 9. When I got the news of my MC, that was a rocky fall back to earth.

So this time around, I walk on egg shells a bit. I felt guilty getting excited. Until my 11 week US, I didn't even want to talk about it. But that US, seeing those 2 little guys moving and kicking, all my confidence came right back. I allowed myself to be happy. I don't think I'll be on cloud 9 until the end. Slowly but surely, I allow myself to believe this is real. Sometimes, I'll just lie down with my eyes shut and concentrate on what I'm feeling. It's totally real - I'm pregnant and it's amazing!

chelle087 · October 2016

I also ha an early loss in April. I had a really hard time getting excited about this pregnancy because of it. I had an ultrasound at about 9 weeks that helped me feel a bit more comfortable, but was still nervous. Not to say that I am no longer nervous, but I am starting to feel a little bit better about things now that I am getting closer to 12 weeks. I think I am finally ready to sit down with DH and start talking about name possibilities. I just couldn't do it prior to this point.

MWoodside · October 2016

Oh yes, you are not alone.

I had DD1 in 2010 after ttc for 2y3m. Very long wait. My second pg in 2012 ended in loss at 14 wks. I was anxiety-ridden during my first rainbow pg in 2013 that blessed us with DD2. I had a second loss at 9 wks in 2015. It took us 7 months to conceive this baby and now I'm 12 wks pg with this baby.

So, yes, I struggle with anxiety a lot. I'm a Christian so I remind myself daily to lift my fear and worry up to God. I have s home Doppler I use daily for a couple minutes to make sure baby is still alive. Once I feel regular movement I will chill out with that. But honestly, it wasn't until DD2 was in my arms that I truly let go of the fear that I would lose her. I anticipate this time will be like that, too.

Mantras helped me for pregnancy and birth.

The truth is there isn't a 'safe' time. And that's scary and hard to hear, but it's reality. So I always have an underlying fear.

jennielynn+ · October 2016

Thank you for sharing you story. I've, unfortunately, heard many similar stories. I know the courage it takes. I have not had a loss but, I too struggle with holding back a little and not fully letting myself enjoy my pregnancies. It seems I don't let it "feel real" until I'm in my 2T. I wasn't expecting to feel like this the second time around. Although, I had hoped to plan my second pregnancy. My husband is excited and I admit it gets hard trying to explain my feelings to him when he is so happy. I have tried to tell him that it is so much pressure on me because I am this baby's only means of life. I'm excited and happy too but, just more reserved in the first trimester. I really don't think he gets it but, he is sweet about it.

Once you can feel the baby kicking and you see how big your belly gets, it feels so much better. I was surprised my first pregnancy how little attention you get at the OB when you go. Most appointments are just pee, bp, and talk. It can be nerve wrecking. I think what helped me most was understanding how my body was working 24hrs a day doing exactly what it is supposed too. We are amazing and the female body transforms completely to give the baby everything it needs. Our bodies also know when to let us know something is wrong. The OB knows this. They let our lady bits do what they do best.

smoochie041719 · October 2016

So grateful to have this community of women! Thank you all for sharing your stories, experiences, and strategies for staying positive.

Mama0728 · October 2016

Oh mama. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a missed miscarriage discovered at 10.5 weeks back in January 2014. It rocked me to the core. I got pregnant shortly after my d&c with my son. I woke up every morning afraid that my son was going to die inside of me. My entire pregnancy was fear and anxiety and worry. I ended up developing all sorts of complications. Looking back, I so regret how much time I spent worrying. I'm sure other mamas have recited the PGAL mantras. Today, you are pregnant. Today, you love your baby. We cannot control what may happen in the future, but today, we are grateful for our babies. Bad things may happen to other people, but that doesn't mean they are going to happen to us.

i made it through 9 months of literal nonstop worry and my son is perfect. Here I am 13 weeks pregnant with my second. I am doing my very best this time to stay busy, distracted, active, and positive. I am also on anxiety medicine this time around. Please talk to your doctor about how you feel. I wish I had agreed to extra help last time.

Please message me any time you need to talk about PGAL struggles. It is the hardest thing in the world, truly, but so worth it in the end. Hugs!

smallanimal · October 2016

I feel you. I am also 12 weeks , with one MC behind me. A lot of amazing advice has already been said but.... If you are anything like me, then you listen to logic and it should help, at least temporarily

I keep telling myself these:

1.) your chances of miscarrying now are extremely low. If you had a viable pregnancy at 10 weeks, you say you had a scan, saw your baby in there with heartbeat - low low low low!!!!! Remember this.
2.) Why would you miscarry? Can you give just one valid reason? Bet you can't. "Just because I am so afraid of it" is not valid

Also, it is very difficult to miscarry a child by what you do! miscarriages happen when there is an issue with the chromosomes that cannot be prevented. Short of you really hurting yourself like falling or someone kicking your bump, you cannot harm your baby by things like being a little anxious, warm baths, one cup of coffee, a bit overexertion... etc etc... if it was that easy to get rid of a baby, then there would not have been so many pregnant maids in the middle ages.
3.) stay away from the internet (other than us lovely lot

). My husband is a car lover and he told me this when I was anxious (surprisingly insightful) - "When I research a new car I check the net, the forums - and all I ever see is problem this, issue that, breakdown there... people who buy the car and have zero issues with it rarely go online to share their opinions! What you see is the negative stories, you don't see the positives". He is so right, and it is the same with pregnancy. You see the sad tragic stories, not the happy ones. There are much more happy endings than not, hang in there!
4.) someone on this board told me this at 5 weeks when I was anxious: "You never know what tomorrow brings. Today you are pregnant". I thought this was beautiful.
5.) you will never stop being anxious. Sometimes it eases up, but in first trimester it's all "what if I miscarry", then it's all "what if there are chromosome problems" (=my current stage), then "what if there are anomalies?", then "what if its not growing enough? what if its a complicated birth? late MC? stillbirth? birth defect? dies in sleep after born? falls off bed? gets hit by a car? etc etc.. you will never stop worrying! you need to find managing mechanisms because now you are a mum.... mum's life = worry

welcome to being a Mother!!!!

Hang in there and keep us posted

gembeth16 · November 2016

hi ladies I am currently on my 4th pregnancy 2 children one dd and ds. I had a missed miscarriage in june found out at 12 weeks babys heart had stopped beating at 6 and half weeks I am now pregnant again after ttc im not far almost 5 weeks I was over the moon when I found out so excited then that night my hubby went to work I was sat alone and fear hit me. what if it happens again there was no signs of the mmc everything was carrying on as normal im even afraid to say im pregnant its been confirmed with a doctor but im thinking how can I let my self love the tiny little bean starting to grow when its going to be taken away to the point of a panick attack how can something I wanted so badly be something so hurtful and scary

HGRich · November 2016

@gembeth16 hi there. You're not alone. I had a mc in June too. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you've had two! It's completely normal to be as anxious as you are. When I was 5/6 weeks it was pretty horrible. I'm glad you've had blood work to confirm. Will your doctor help you out with an early ultrasound? Take a deep breath and hang in there! I keep telling myself that just because it has happened doesn't mean it will happen again. This is a brand new pregnancy.

I'm sure you're a little nervous to join your own birth month board. In the meantime, why don't you come on over to the pregnant after a loss board and introduce yourself there? There's several ladies right now over there who are right where you are. 4.5-7 or so weeks.

nwshay · November 2016

Hey @gembeth16

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a blighted ovum in feb/march, after having an early MC Dec of 2015. I totally know how you feel. I've been stressed off and on for my whole pregnancy. As my doctor told me, miscarriages are unfortunately common, BUT so are live births. There are babies everywhere, and probably a huge majority of those women had miscarriages before. Just because you've had one, that does not mean you'll have another. you'll be able to hear the heartbeat soon and you'll feel so much better, and your risk is much lower.

I felt exactly the same. I didn't want to tell people or really admit I was pregnant until my first ultrasound. Even now, I haven't fully announced. I want to wait until after my anatomy scan. Do what is comfortable to you. Talk about it with your husband and your doc. Ask questions and see if your appts can be closed together. Make sure they know how nervous you are.

I echo @hgrich about the PGAL board! also, PM me if you need to talk!

Good luck!

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