Delivery/Hospital Anxiety - Visitors

choneycu · October 2016

As December gets closer I'm finding myself getting stressed and anxious about the first few hours and days after delivery. I just want privacy. I don't want people sitting around the hospital room staring at me, I don't want to feel like I have to wait to breastfeed or awkwardly tell people I need to go to the restroom. I also don't want people holding my baby for long or kissing him in the face (it's cold and flu season after all!).

The same goes for early days at home. I don't want people hovering - which is difficult because he is due so close to the holidays and we have out of town family as well as nearby family who will all want to spend time with us.

I just want to be left alone! I just want some privacy. I'm a very independent person as it is. This is causing a lot of anxiety...Anyone else feeling this same anxious, possessive feeling lately?

gowenc · October 2016

I'm with you on this - I don't want people coming to visit in the hospital except maybe one of my closest friends who can come if DH needs to get my stepson to/from work. Luckily DH feels the same way, and we don't have family in the area so we don't have to worry about that. My doula's advice was pretty much to only tell the people you're truly comfortable with that you are in labor, and wait to tell everyone else until after the fact.

1MommyRunner · October 2016

We are making a list of people allowed to visit us at the hospital and giving it to the nurse. They won't let anyone else in, so maybe your hospital will do the same? I also plan to just tell people we don't want visitors outside of a few family members. I didn't do that last time and I regretted it. It's your moment and your baby, so do what you feel is right for you guys!

Christinaruth74 · October 2016

I felt this way with DD1. The best decision for me was to make some strict guidelines upfront. Absolutely no visitors (except immediate family, and even then no kids at all) unless we reached out and asked someone specific to come. Visits had to be planned/scheduled both in the hospital and at home. Some people were really put off by just how strict I was, but it wound up being the best possible decision. We had an emergency c section and I was so drugged up and overwhelmed for the majority of my hospital stay that I wouldn't have handled a steady flow of visitors well.
As far as needing privacy to BF, sometimes a nurse or LC would come in, and if there were visitors, they would be asked to step out for a bit. But when that wasn't the case I found that people were generally really sensitive to my privacy. I think your mood overall sets the tone.

PP hormones are a b*tch. If this is something that is giving you anxiety now, its best to have a plan in place sooner rather than later just to take some of that pressure off.

Kacie209 · October 2016

FTM, and another I hear ya!

I told DH that since I don't know what to expect, I want to keep it to immediate family for visits in the hospital... unless everything is fine and dandy and I feel up for some other visitors. And by immediate family... parents, and his siblings (my sibling doesn't live here).

I know the hospital wants the first hour after birth to be JUST the parents with baby, so we will do that. Then I'll see what I'll do... if I compose myself a little and we let those I want in, or don't let them visit until the next day - depending on what time he's born. Like my birth plan, I'll just see what happens.

Not hospital/visitor related - I don't plan on posting anything on any social media sites until either when we're about to go home, or until we are home. I know some friends may want to visit, but would feel better doing that at home. I only visited one friend in the hospital after she gave birth, but it was also about 24 hours after so not immediately and she was OK with having us come visit and see her first child (she has 4 now).

AbriannaO · October 2016

I've mentioned it before, but we wrote a letter to our family members from the baby's perspective (to try and mask me from sounding like an over protective mother). This is how we addressed visitors:

Visitors at Hospital

My Mom and Dad are asking that you honor all three of with your well wishes, thoughts, and prayers in the weeks surrounding my arrival date. With me being their first child, they are looking forward to experiencing this transition together and will be informing all immediate family members after I arrive, not at the time that labor begins. With not knowing how long labor will be, or what circumstances may occur, they are asking that you wait in the safety of your homes until they let you know that we are open to visitors after I have arrived. My Mom and Dad will be experiencing everything for the first time with me and are looking forward to a few hours for bonding and learning after I have arrived. I know that everyone is excited to meet me, but please respect us as we calm down and relax together as a family of three before coming to visit. While we are at the hospital, there may be times that we ask you to run an errand or to step out of the room while my Mom and Dad converse with the doctors or have additional medical needs met. Also for subsequent visits to the hospital outside of the first, please contact us before showing up to see if Mom, Dad, and me are awake and welcome to have visitors. We will all be very tired and thank you for your patience and understanding.

With this in mind, Mom and Dad are asking that when I arrive, that you keep the announcements on social media to a minimum. Once my Mom and Dad have made the official announcement, feel free to post away, but please let them have the joy and honor of announcing my arrival and whether I have chosen to have a boy’s or girl’s genitalia! They will also not be texting you or sharing with you what I decide to be, you will get to experience that joy upon your arrival to meet me.

Visitors at Home

While Metro Detroit is not the shortest of drives for all of our family members, please be aware that we will not be accepting overnight guests at our home for some time. We will be working out new routines, plus introducing and familiarizing myself to my older fur siblings, who will need some time to adjust. While we will be welcoming planned visitors in our home throughout the weeks following my arrival, please make other accommodations for lodging and transportation during this time.

We appreciate all of the sincere offers for help already and will be letting you know how we will need assistance as it comes. During my parent’s maternity and paternity leave time, the three of us will be working together for Mom and Dad to come up with the best practices that help keep me happy and healthy. Once Dad returns to work, we will be letting you know how you can best help Mom over the remaining weeks of her maternity leave. Again, we ask that all visits be scheduled ahead of time so that we can make sure we are all ready for visitors. We would hate to have to turn you away after you had driven so far because Mom and I are sleeping, or just not ready for visitors at this moment.

happygirl1013 · October 2016

Preach- I feel the same way! We're just being upfront with people. With my daughter, the hospital visitors was non stop and I got no rest post delivery. It was terrible and really jumpstarted the sleep deprivation. This time, we just aren't going to rush to tell people our baby boy arrived and are asking people to respect the time we need to bond as a family of 4. The best way to deal with anxiety is to address the problem head on. Secretly, I'm hoping I go past my due date so people are distracted with Christmas.

bookworm8622 · October 2016

I'll have to discuss this with DH, right now my biggest concern is how long my ILs will linger. Unless I give birth on the weekend, I think two of my sisters who live about 1 hour away from me will wait until the day after I deliver to visit in the hospital, or maybe until I get home. My parents will probably come with us to the hospital (we're moving in with them for about 6 months since our rental lease was up and I don't want to be home alone in a new place with a baby while on maternity leave). My ILs live about 1.5 hours away from the hospital, so I'm not sure what their plans are, but I also still don't know what they think we're doing for Thanksgiving (I'm staying at my parents, I'm not going that far at 37.5 weeks!).

princesslockness · October 2016

While I personally loved having visitors in the hospital, this time it will be very different.

Since H isnt up here, but back at our house noone will be meeting LO until after he gets up here and gets some daddy bonding time. After that it really just depends on if/how long NICU is.

whitneyp26 · October 2016

I've never wanted visitors in the hospital. And I just tell it like it is. I will let my mom come, and have let my FIL come but only because I have had longer stays. If it was just a night or two I would have probably had him wait too. This is not at all about other people and I really don't care about their feelings lol. I'll ignore my phone if I want to. Or let DH handle it. We go through enough.

temmetime · October 2016

@choneycu Girl you are not alone in your feelings! DH and I have been discussing what we want at the hospital a lot lately. While he is great about agreeing with me generally, I can tell he's hesitant about waiting too long to tell family and have them visit. The emotions that we are going through are completely normal, but also difficult. Both of our immediate families live in the same town we do, so while I am fearful of not enough privacy, DH is just so excited that we can share this experience with them! One friend of mine said she really could've used more visitors to help with the PP downs and another friend truly regrets posting on FB because she had so many unwanted visitors. Every perspective is definitely different and I don't think you're wrong in feeling protective! My biggest thought: Be friends with your nurses. If you have a code word with them or let them know ahead of time about your anxieties, they'll work with you and take the blame for kicking people out.

ErikandAfton · October 2016

I've been feeling this at too. I was pleasantly suprised that MIL said that they would wait until after he is born to come over, they live 2 hours away. I told her Dh will call when we get to the hospital and keep them updated.

My Dad on he other hand. I ran my I don't want anyone but me and Dh plan by him and he flipped. This is his first grand baby and my mom is deceased and so he's been very involved. He plans on being at the hospital the minute we call him as he doesn't live far from there. I've pretty much conceded and told him whatever he ants but he's not going to be in the delivery room when the time comes.

@AbriannaO I love your letter! I may need to do something similar. I have a friend who is chomping at the bit to come "help" after L is born and I don't want her here. Love her dearly but I don't need her and her husband around.

AbriannaO · October 2016

@ErikandAfton, this is the first grandchild for both sides of the family, so we really don't know how people will act when the time comes. To minimize stress, we thought it would be best to put our wishes in writing and to keep it vague but firm. I see it easier to change my mind regarding letting people be around than to have to figure out how to set boundaries after they all thought they could do something. And we wanted everyone to have the same information (our letter also included information about gender revealing, vaccines, classes, and equipment) to everyone so that we weren't repeating ourselves. We already will be lowering some of the rules for my mom as we are asking her to come down to watch our dogs when we head off to the hospital. But it is under the assumption that she will be notified by us and that the rule of "no news is good news" applies as we will not be answering texts while in the hospital nor will she be allowed to show up at the hospital asking for updates. She will also then be informed along with every one else when the baby has arrived and what time we will be accepting visitors (depends on when the baby is born - hospital has a 24 hour visitor policy, but if it is at night, we won't be accepting visitors until after a certain time the following morning).

Amecsey · October 2016

I've just officially decided that we aren't dealing with this right now. It's too stressful for me. And my focus right now needs to be on staying stress free and keeping these babies put. Having said that, we have also decided that when i go into labor, or if a c-section is scheduled, we are not telling anyone (except my mom and dad, who i want there). Everyone else will be notified after they are born, and then told when they can visit. I'm so tired of catering to other peoples needs that I am saying fu** them, and not telling them until after.

leksiL · October 2016

Luckily we live so far away from everyone that this isn't a problem. I kind of wish that we would have a few visitors LOL. I have had people tell me that they are going to come stay with us after the baby comes, and I've told them in no uncertain terms that they can come after DH goes back to work, but with the holidays and stuff that really means January.

My GF is coming home from Colorado over the holidays and is flying out of our airport so that she can visit us. She didn't consult us before making arrangements. She flies out of our airport 2 weeks after our due date. I said, gee I hope we are home from the hospital haha otherwise you can stay at our house by yourselves! I don't think she realized she was cutting it that close.

firsttimemomma01 · October 2016

I feel the same way I'm due at the beginning of December also, I would like visitors to contact me befor showing and Iam having problems with my mil so I ask she not be allowed at the hospital at any time for my own concerns. But other than that very anxious to meet my second baby !

choneycu · October 2016

I am glad I am not alone - hearing from all of you makes me feel way less guilty about wanting people to leave me alone just a little bit!

AbriannaO · October 2016

In addition to our letter that we sent out, we made a sign for our hospital door. I don't know why I am so paranoid about people just popping in after the initial visit, but my concern is that I will be breastfeeding and my MIL, or FIL, or dad will just walk right into the room. I am already nervous about BFing, so I want to make sure that I am taking the time to focus on it. So our sign is attached. We will either put this on our physical door at the hospital or the entry doors to the ward where they have to call the nurses station to get entry.

BenNSarah · October 2016

@abriannaO may I steal this? I love it!

choneycu · October 2016

@AbriannaO I have the same fears about people walking in whole BFing and then just having to share or pass my baby around when I just want him to myself!

AbriannaO · November 2016

@BenNSarah steal away!!! I may have made one for my house as well to put out for when we absolutely are not accepting visitors. Another fear I have is that someone will just show up at our house while I am on leave without calling first. I have lived over 20 hours away from family for 6.5 years, so now that I am only 2 hours away, I keep thinking someone will just show up! No one has yet in the 10 months we have been back, but no one has also had the incentive of a baby encouraging them to stop by.

@choneycu I feel like learning to BF is going to be awkward enough, to have someone barge in just terrifies me. I don't want my first experiences to be tainted by impatient people! And oh yeah, this baby will not be leaving my or my DH's arms unless I am ready to play pass the baby. I have held it for this long, I deserve to snuggle it outside of my uterus as much as I want!

BenNSarah · November 2016

@abriannao I definitely plan on having one at the house as well. We have a lab and the lab likes to bark when anyone knocks. Unannounced visitors will not be accepted because trying to calm down the dog, dealing with a fussy baby because of the noise, and entertain, with me in any unknown condition at the time, is just not ok. I also agree about letting people hold the baby. I am very afraid that people will be baby snatching and a new side of me might come out that no one has seen before... And my family all lives VERY close. I went through a lot to get pregnant, this pregnancy has been miserable, I deserve all of the baby snuggling I can get.

Toller · November 2016

If you have a barky dog- Don't forget to put a note for the UPS/USPS/FedEx etc people too! "DO NOT RING DOORBELL" !!! Total nap-ender.

kmmnocal · November 2016

I am lurking from N16 (hi! Hope that's ok...) and as a heads up — according to my hospital, HIPAA doesn't allow for any names to be posted on the outside of the hospital room door. (I am not sure about phone numbers.) You may want to be prepared with the same sign without names just in case.

AbriannaO · November 2016

@kmmnocal thank you for that! I will check with my hospital and see what their policy is. It's an easy fix to make changes and then that just means that people that do not have DH's phone number do not get to see us until the door is open

gardengirl3 · November 2016

I've had a lot of the same anxieties as many of you. I am a very private person, and will probably be recovering from surgery on top of being exhausted with a newborn, trying to figure out breastfeeding, etc. I wish I was more easygoing, especially as a STM, but unfortunately there are a few people on both sides of our family that just don't respect boundaries very well, and I'd like to address it beforehand. For those of you using a letter to set boundaries ahead of time, when did you/will you send this out to people?

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