Introducing myself... (long one)

funkykey · October 2016

Hello ladies (and possibly any DH's),

Disclaimer: read at your own risk. I guess I've been bottling up more than I thought...

I'm here because I'm starting to - more often than not - feel like there's no one I can talk to. I have 3 sisters, 2 of them are pregnant after trying for a couple of months. The other no plans to conceive, and thankfully low chances of doing so accidentally (she's in a same-sex relationship) because boy, if she got pregnant, that'd sting. My friends are almost all pregnant or new moms, and it feels like all of them conceived before about 5 months (some of them only days! bitches!).

I'm 32 and DH is 33. We've been trying for a year now. I was ready to start trying before DH. Some people have these cute stories, like they were totally on the same page and were so excited to start trying together - that is not the case for us. I love my husband very dearly; he is going to be an amazing father. Part of why he is going to be an amazing father is because he is deeply thoughtful and responsible in ways I'm not. I kept thinking: "Pshaw, we don't need a house before a baby; no we don't need x, y, z". We had to do a lot of setting up before he was even remotely ready to take the baby-making plunge, and I still had to push him off the cliff, like: "Enough preparation, we had a DEAL!"

So even though it's only been a year, it feels longer. I've wanted to have a family my whole life. I remember hearing stories about infertile couples and thinking: "Please, please, don't let that be me." I was so worried about it, and now that I am part of one of those couples, I realize no amount of worrying made a difference - sometimes, that's just the hand you're dealt. None of my friends worried about their fertility like I did, yet they had no problems. This is part of why I'm struggling to talk to them about how I feel - it seems grossly unfair, and none of them have been in a similar boat yet, where a lifelong dream of theirs has been particularly difficult for them to realize - that is, statistically more difficult than for most of the population who tried to achieve the same thing.

We've done a whack of testing, HSG included, and everything looks fine. Though, technically, our RE told us we have "unexplained infertility", I'm still having a hard time labeling myself that way. We have to decide if we want to try IUI next month; I have a clomid prescription I haven't filled yet.

My sister thinks I should go for it, but I don't think she understands how hard it can be to accept the infertile diagnosis and start treatment, especially when treatment means it's no longer just you and DH in the privacy of your own home. Month after month we tried and failed, and by accepting the "infertile" label, it feels a little like I'm accepting how fruitless all our trying was, when at the time, I was telling myself: "No, no, it's just taking us a little longer". I don't want to be "infertile", I want us to just "need help". I don't know if that makes sense? I feel like I rarely make sense these days... I keep thinking, this year has been tough, and then how "a year" seems so arbitrary - why is "infertile" a year? What is "a year"? 10 months? 12 months? 14 months? As if I couldn't tell you the HOUR we started trying.

This year has been so emotional. I vacillate between anger, sadness, desperation, resignation, hope - and (rarely) very dark humor. I've learned how unsexy sex can be, even when with someone you love and are attracted to. And, forget "sexy". Elegance, dignity - those used to be such simple concepts, you know? What does "dignity" look like? What does "grace" look like? Nothing like me, but maybe everything like me? I can't tell anymore.

I never, ever wanted to know this much about CM, ever, or to spend so much time feeling for my own cervix. Gross. For me, the most humiliating part of this (so far) has been the sheer amount of time I've spent looking at my own cervical mucus, and how much joy/sorrow its various states have given me. Once, I wept (hard!) because while my OPK was positive, my CM was not EWCM - it was like glue. While sobbing, I looked at DH: "Do you think we should try anyway?" When he (gently) declined, I sobbed until I could barely breathe. I was hysterical. I think I even screamed: "We have to!" Even though we'd tried the day before.

Wife of the year, that's me.

Can anyone relate to that? No? Just me? Too gross? (I assume you guys are probably the least squeamish out there, after all you've been through. I'm learning that infertility is a bloody, mucus-y business. No one tells you that - I think "infertile", and I think "sterile", which at the very least sounds clean. Instead it's all blood, urine, drugs, hormones, mucus, shots, tears, semen. It's messy everywhere, and you're just hoping to get pregnant, which means even more mess.)

I sometimes act crazed, or irrational. When DH mentions that there's no scientific evidence to prove that putting your legs up after will help conceive, I privately think: "Science hasn't helped us at all", and hike my legs higher. If some witchdoctor told me to conceive, I'd have to hike a mountain in Tibet and make a tea out of a rare licorice root I found there, I'd book a flight today. I've given Clearblue hundreds of dollars more than I should have, because I couldn't bear to buy in bulk, to think: "no, it might take at least 4 more months". I hate every stick I've peed on - every one of them. I want to hurl the box across the room every time I need to buy tampons.

Anyone? Anyone?

Basically, I'm a mess. On a good day, I can see the humor in it (stretching your own cervical mucus and calling out: "honey, now! Now!"... so sexy, so married), but on a bad day, I'm a disaster. (Who sometimes washes prenatal vitamins down with wine.)

I'm sure at least some of you can understand? A lot of you have been through way way more than me. I've been reading the boards for a bit, and I see some of the signatures, and I gasp because I cannot imagine how painful some of it must be.

I guess, because of that - all those horrific experiences- I don't want to say: "I belong here". It seems like all of this - all of my pain and anger, how gross I think CM is - is pretty garden-variety TTC stuff. And also, because I don't want to accept the diagnosis. And I keep thinking - hoping- we could conceive any day! Like, what if next month, I conceive, and I'm like: "I'm out ladies, thanks for commiserating." I'd feel like a fraud.

Yet, I'm often so lonely. Lonely enough to turn to strangers on the internet.

The other day was a very disappointing CD-1. Last week, I was certain I was pregnant. Even though I've been through it before - the convincing yourself you're pregnant only to get a BFN only to hope the test was wrong and you just didn't have enough HCG that time, only to get your period. No no - this time, this time it really was going to happen. I let myself look at the Pottery Barn kids towels, the ones that look like animals, to talk to DH about baby names, to do all the due date calculators. Even DH was like: "Honey, I think this is it. I'm sure your boobs look bigger."

Then I wasn't. Again. And I felt like a fool for thinking that my PMS cramps were implantation cramps, and for spending more money on another early test, rather than just waiting the 4 days. I was like: "God, what I thought was mittelschmerz probably was just my fibroid getting bigger." I was gutted.

And in the local news - this is not a joke - there was a story about a notorious murderer who somehow got pregnant in prison while serving a life sentence. (That's right - on a conjugal visit with her gang member boyfriend, who is serving his own time.) And I thought: "Really?! Even her?!"

Like, WTF? Right?

Sometimes I'm so angry. I love my sisters, I love my friends, I'm excited to meet all their children, but I'm so angry that I have to do so many tests, to talk to so many people, to tell them so much about myself, to spend time explaining to 22-year-old doctors-in-training that yes, I do know how an OPK works, and I have taken them. I hate that I have to meet with and pay for an RE. I want it all to go away, because it feels like a nightmare.

I want to know how much longer it will take - another 4 years? another 6? another 2? But no one can tell me, and it makes me so sad. So I just keep going, one day at a time.

I'm sure some of you will know what I mean... You won't tell me to just "be patient", "it'll happen", "I'm so sorry".

Anyway, what a long introduction! Boom!

Best wishes & much luck to all of you - I really hope everyone who's commented on this message board gets knocked up this month! (Would be so awesome.)

SaphireSweetie88 · October 2016

@funkykey

1. Welcome and I hope you're stay here is a short one. I am sorry to hear you're going through all of that. Creepy internet hugs to you! I broke your post down into parts in order for me to reply.

2. Drink this:

Image: https://media0.giphy.com/media/lB7xJ3ZQjB4Yw/200.gif#37

I guess I've been bottling up more than I thought...

I'm here because I'm starting to - more often than not - feel like there's no one I can talk to.

Yet, I'm often so lonely. Lonely enough to turn to strangers on the internet.

3. No more need to bottle it up. You can talk to us. You're in great hands here. We all understand the tears and frustrations of TTC so you're definitely not alone. Hang out here with us and soon we won't seem like complete strangers (if that makes sense).

I have 3 sisters, 2 of them are pregnant after trying for a couple of months. The other no plans to conceive, and thankfully low chances of doing so accidentally (she's in a same-sex relationship) because boy, if she got pregnant, that'd sting. My friends are almost all pregnant or new moms, and it feels like all of them conceived before about 5 months (some of them only days! bitches!).

4. I know it sucks and stings seeing those around you - especially those you're close to - get pregnant when you're struggling. That's okay. Vent it out here.

We've done a whack of testing, HSG included, and everything looks fine. Though, technically, our RE told us we have "unexplained infertility", I'm still having a hard time labeling myself that way.

5. I am glad you're seeing an RE and that you've done / are doing the tests. (Not glad you had to do them but glad you did - hope that makes sense). Don't think of "unexplained infertility" as a label (I understand it's hard) but it doesn't change who YOU are. You're still funkykey - unexplained infertility or not.

We have to decide if we want to try IUI next month; I have a clomid prescription I haven't filled yet.

6. My suggestion (others may disagree) is to try the Clomid under your RE's careful watch before trying IUI.

This year has been so emotional. I vacillate between anger, sadness, desperation, resignation, hope - and (rarely) very dark humor. I've learned how unsexy sex can be, even when with someone you love and are attracted to.

I sometimes act crazed, or irrational.

Basically, I'm a mess. On a good day, I can see the humor in it (stretching your own cervical mucus and calling out: "honey, now! Now!"... so sexy, so married), but on a bad day, I'm a disaster. (Who sometimes washes prenatal vitamins down with wine.)

7. We all go crazy at times (referred to as BSC) through this process. If we see this happening to you, we will do our best to reign you in. Emotions are all over the place through this process.

I hate every stick I've peed on - every one of them. I want to hurl the box across the room every time I need to buy tampon

Basically, I'm a mess. On a good day, I can see the humor in it (stretching your own cervical mucus and calling out: "honey, now! Now!"... so sexy, so married), but on a bad day, I'm a disaster. (Who sometimes washes prenatal vitamins down with wine.)

8. I've been there and I think it's safe to say the other ladies on here have too.

I don't want to say: "I belong here". It seems like all of this - all of my pain and anger, how gross I think CM is - is pretty garden-variety TTC stuff. And also, because I don't want to accept the diagnosis. And I keep thinking - hoping- we could conceive any day! Like, what if next month, I conceive, and I'm like: "I'm out ladies, thanks for commiserating." I'd feel like a fraud.

9. We would be happy for you. Don't let that thought prevent you from joining and partaking in the boards / threads here. There is a lot of wisdom and excellent advice on these boards. We all share the same goal / want.

ReesaAnne16 · October 2016

Bravo! I feel like I have felt ALL of those things you wrote, over the last 17 months (And have vented most of them to the ladies here and TTGP board)

Like you, I had to wait patiently for years for DH to get on board with the baby plan (he's thoughtful and responsible too... but takes FOREVER to make a decision)

I also worried for years prior to trying that we wouldn't be able to; I thought, "Infertility would be the WORST possible thing that could ever happen to me'' Well, now I'm living my own worst fear. AND IT SUCKS

At some point, a few months ago, I had to come to terms with the fact that pregnancy won't just 'happen' for us. Like, we won't just 'go on a vacation' and come back pregnant. It's OK. You'll find we all had to let that part go (you can too), and realize that no matter how it happens, it will be worth the wait, and the tears, and the pain. (and the pills and the shots and the blooddraws.. ect

My advice is different than saphiresweetie88; If you doctor is recommending IUI as your next step, I would start there. There are risks with taking clomid unmonitored such as cysts or even a high order multiple pregnancy. IUI's are not painful (much like a pap smear), and will increase your odds. BTW it's a good idea to ask your dr what they think your odds are continuing to try on your own (we were categorized as unexplained initially, and our dr. said our odds were 3% each cycle trying on our own) verses trying an IUI (we were told 10% chance each cycle)

Anyway, we hear you sister, we hear you

SaphireSweetie88 · October 2016

@ReesaAnne16 makes a good point. If your RE is now recommending IUI instead of Clomid (and he/she knows you have not taken the Clomid) then that may be the better route to go.

@funkykey - Does your RE know you have an unfilled / unused prescription for Clomid?

funkykey · October 2016

@SaphireSweetie88, @ReesaAnne16 - thank you for the warm welcomes! And for bearing with me through such a long rant!

Our RE gave us the prescription for clomid and advised it with an IUI. I ovulate fine - they know not only b/c OPKs, but also because they've seen the follicles on a couple of ultrasounds. Because of that, apparently clomid alone might not do much. For couples like us, they recommend clomid with an IUI - like you @ReesaAnne16, our options are trying on our own vs. clomid and trying with an IUI. He was like: "Usually, we stop after 4 tries, because we tend not to see better results after that. After 4 attempts, we move on to something else."

When our RE described the IUI and clomid, I was like: "So, basically, you want to throw a party in my fallopian tubes and try to get as many eggs and sperm to be there as possible?"

Now, after being on these boards a bit, I'm feeling like: "LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!"

Also - maybe not as funny for you as for me - but when RE was walking through the IUI he had a couple of models on his desk - one of a woman's reproductive organs, and one of the actual IUI syringe. When he demonstrated the procedure, I had to stop myself from turning to DH: "That's the vagina?! Oh no, we've been doing it wrong this whole time." Just as a joke. I'm actually not sure that I can get through the IUI procedure itself without saying something totally offside.

SaphireSweetie88 · October 2016

@funkykey

If your RE suggested Clomid WITH the IUI then that's what I would do. Also, I am sure your RE has heard most in not all offside comments by women and / or their SO going through that process.

PoeMasque · October 2016

Welcome! I feel like you were just retelling my story, so don't worry you are NOT alone. I even had a breakdown for most of yesterday because after all this time I feel like our "journey" has ruined an experience that should have been exciting and fun, and should have brought my SO and I together instead of into this monthly battle of "did we have enough sex at the right time?!" spiral.

My best friend got her IUD out in sept and told me she was pregnant as of 3 days ago.....right when I started training for a new job as a nurse who does home visits for pregnant women. When you are ttc it's as if the whole world is full of women who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat (even if they don't want to!), but not you, you don't get to have that joy, you get the tears and the stress and the fighting and the struggle. It's not fair and it's ok to be upset by that.

I agree with the pp that if they are recommending IUI do it. We just finished our second IUI this month and it actually felt really exciting to be DOING something different....since plain old sex was obviously not working.

Good luck and welcome to the board, you are in good company here!

HopefulLily · October 2016

@funkykey Since you mentioned on my long post that you wrote a long intro post I just had to come over here and read it. I have felt the same way as you so many times! We should keep in touch!

hoffmanr7 · October 2016

Welcome. I am sorry you have to be here but glad you found us. I hope being here helps you unburden all those emotions you have been bottling up. I did the same thing, and being a part of this board has been a big help because we have all been there.

It is hard when you are trying to conceive and pregnant people keep popping up around you. the number of people who have gotten pregnant/ had a baby since DH and I have started to conceive is to the point of ridiculousness. it is also hard not to get your hopes up each month...... and even worse to have them smashed to pieces by the dreaded AF. Just this morning I had to reign myself in while looking at Zulilly. one of their sales was woodland nursery stuff which is exactly what I want to do. it was impossible nno to have my brain zoom to the idea that it was a sign. After all, how many times did something pop up that seemed like a sign only to have it turn out to be more like the universe taunting me.

I too have angrily thrown numerous pee sticks and glumly contemplated the money that had felt just plain wasted on it all. I have felt all the fun drain out of what should be sexy fun time.

In short, you are in good company because, as I have previously mentioned, we have all been here. You are not alone. I hope you find some comfort here.

funkykey · October 2016

@PoeMasque - thank you! Ugh re: your friend. God, that's so tough. I mean, I'm happy for her (obviously), but I'm also like: "Whoa, that's like the first or second try. Wow." I hope she told you in a really sweet, respectful way.

As I mentioned, my sisters are pregnant - and my step-sister too! - but with them, I wasn't so upset, because they've really sweet about it, and so thoughtful. There have been some tough times, sure, but it's not been too bad.

But then friends of ours, they're pregnant, and for some reason it really hit me. I think because she'd never seemed that into it. Like, he really wanted kids, and she kept being like: "Bah, whenever". At some point, she hit a plateau with her career and was like: "this is a good time", then BOOM - is pregnant.

It's funny how sometimes it really hits you, like with some people, and sometimes it doesn't. I think depends on the day as much as the person and what you know about them.

funkykey · October 2016

@hoffmanr7 thank you so much! ps. I think that is a super-cute nursery theme.

funkykey · November 2016

@SaphireSweetie88 - I've been thinking a bit about what you said here:

"Don't think of "unexplained infertility" as a label (I understand it's hard) but it doesn't change who YOU are. You're still funkykey - unexplained infertility or not."

That was really helpful, thank you so much - I've felt so much lighter this week. I don't know why I was taking it so personally. I mean, if any of my friends were having trouble conceiving for so long, I'd just think: "God, that f*cking sucks. Ugh." I'd never think that there was something wrong with them. I hadn't realized I was being so cruel to myself.

SaphireSweetie88 · November 2016

@funkykey

I am glad you were able to find some relief in what I said. Makes me happy to know I could help in some way. Hugs

Introducing myself... (long one)

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