Stepkids + FTM

BellaO21 · November 2016

I want to start out by saying I love my stepson as if he were mine... he's 8 1/2, and I've helped his dad raise him since he was almost 4 years old.
With that being said: This baby will be my 1st kid... and I am absolutely terrified that I will love this child sooo much more than my SS. Not only does that part scare me- but I am also scared that if that happens my stepson will realize it and hate me for it.

Obviously, I know it will be a different type of love. And I may even be worrying over nothing. But is there anyone else that is in this position, or has gone through this and has any advice/tips?

allywat · November 2016

I was pretty much exactly in your spot with my first child was born. I have a 10 year old stepson, his dad and I have been together since he was 4. I had my first son last year. Just my expierience here I do love my son in a much deeper, different, unique maternal way than I do my stepson and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Of course I still love my stepson and he still loves me. He has a mother so I don't need to fill that role for him. But I think he realizes I need to be that role for his brother. If anything we made it a point for him and his dad to do some special things just the two of them so he doesn't feel like his dad is favoring his other son. But again every family is different and what works for one might not work for the other. In the end I am betting your stepson will be so in love with his new sibling you won't have anything to worry about in terms of jealousy or resentment.

BellaO21 · November 2016

@Allybiery thank you!! I will definitely make sure he and my SS get their quality time together. He was just sooo jealous when my sister had kids that he would act out when he wasn't getting 100% of the attention- granted that was a couple years ago and he has matured since then. My husband told me I was crazy for feeling this way I just wanted to see what everyone else's experiences were in that department. I know he's going to love being a big brother- he was devastated when we had the M/c in January.

kmd0501 · November 2016

I also have a SS. He's 10 and I've been with his dad since he was 2. I'm struggling because he has begged us for a sibling for easily 6 years and when we started trying last summer and got pregnant right away, we were too excited and blabbed the news early. He was so thrilled he cried for an hour. But less than a week later we lost the baby and it was devastating to him. Fast forward through 2 more losses and SS's mother "accidentally" got pregnant and just had a baby this past September. Talk about a slap in the face. She just kept repeating how "it was an accident" and "she wasn't even trying" meanwhile DH and I were struggling with infertility and she knew. Well SS has lived with a new baby for a little more than a month and complains how miserable he is and it's breaking my heart. He doesn't know about our baby yet. We're going to tell him at Christmas. I just really hope he takes the news we'll and gets as excited as he was before.

Anyway, sorry for the run on. I just like to think that my SS is at an age where he'll be excited to get to help and have more responsibility and truly be a BIG brother. Your SS is at a similar age so hopefully he'll want to be involved and help. Friends at work have told me after their own kids were born they still took special dates with their stepkida to dinner or the movies just to remind them that a baby didn't replace them and they are still just as special and loved as before.

ssnova · November 2016

I have a SD she is 3 and I have been in her life since she was 11 months old. (her mother is practically none existent) she views me has her mother and refers to me as that as well. I did have this worry during our first pregnancy (which we lost along with our second pregnancy, this is number three) and I think its only natural, it doesn't mean you don't love the child you have raised. At this point I do expect to feel differently toward this child mostly because it has been such a long and painful road getting it here. Another thing for me I am just so excited for her to have a little brother or sister to play with, to see her face light up when she sees all those things that babies do!

BellaO21 · November 2016

@kmd0501 I'm sorry you had to go through that with your SS's BM. That was a horrible thing for her to pull. My SS doesn't have any other siblings, but has also mentioned something about wanting one- but not wanting to deal with the crying. Hopefully he gets over that since his room is right next to the nursery lol. I'll have to try and take little dates with him as well as just he his dad and I.. hopefully he won't feel replaced. Good luck with delivering the news to your SS, I hope he is just as excited if not more than he was before!

@ssnova that's the look I am hoping he has too! He will for sure want to help out with him/her when the nugget gets here!

wifeinraleigh28 · November 2016

I don't have personal experience to share, however as a family therapist I do work with families all the time who are experiencing this issue. I'm currently working with a family where the dad has both a biological daughter with the mom and a step daughter (from mom's previous marriage). The girl's dad is out of the picture and she views her step dad as dad, as he has been in her life since she was just a couple months old. The primary thing we are working on (in addition to parenting) is the fact that he doesn't feel as connected to his step daughter as he does to his biological daughter. The focus has been him finding ways to connect with her in ways that are meaningful to her, and giving her some much needed one-on-one bonding time.

Even if you feel differently about your new baby than you do about your step son, I think that if you make the effort to connect with your step son in ways that are special to him he will feel your love no matter what. And finding ways to praise him for helping with the baby and to boost his own self-esteem will go very far as well!

BellaO21 · November 2016

@wifeinraleigh28 thank you for the advice! Looks like we will be doing more date nights, with and without his dad... and his dad and him will get their QT together as well. I am really hoping when the baby comes I don't actually feel that way, but it is what I fear the most (besides the baby not being healthy-which as of right now I have no reason to think that.).

motherhubbard19 · November 2016

I am so glad someone posted about this as I am going through the same. I have a 10yo SS and I have been with his dad since he was 6. His birth mother is non-existent in his life. The only mothers he has ever really known are me and my mother in law. DH was a young father and pretty much on his own after he was born so my MIL helped raise him until I came along. H and I bought our house together about a year after we met and since then we've been a little family of three and I claim that boy as my own. But this is my first baby and I have worried that I will have a deeper connection with him/her than SS. Because my MIL was the mother figure in SS life for the first 6 years, they have such a bond with each other and a lot of times I don't feel like we have the same connection. So I look forward to forming that bond with this baby. I just don't ever want SS to feel like he isn't as loved. We haven't told him yet and will probably wait until Christmas. But we have mentioned the idea to him before about having a little sibling and he loves the idea. He absolutely loves babies so I hope he will be really excited when we tell him.

EmeraldNC · November 2016

Hi there! My oldest is actually my stepdaughter. When I was pregnant I had these exact same fears. I have been on my stepdaughters life since she was 8 months old. When I found out I was pregnant she was just 14 months old. (I got pregnant within the first 6 months of dating my husband.) Because my daughter was the first grandchild on my family's side... they immediately started showering me with gifts, clothes, toys for the baby. Then, when I found out I was having a girl, it went into overdrive. I remember being on the bump and asking if there was something wrong with me because I didn't want to use the NEW baby stuff for my stepdaughter. I wanted all the new things to be for my first biological little girl. I didn't love my SD any less... I just wanted my first experience as a mother as well. Long story short... I worried about those small things, but after the baby came, it quickly went away. I loved seeing my SD interact with my baby girl. They are sisters, they love each other, and I love both of them. I will not say that you won't have a different kind of love, because I do. My SD doesn't depend on me for everything like my biological daughter does. She has a mom. But I do love her like my own, and I treat her like my own. It gets easier and easier as time goes on, and if you have a good relationship with your stepchild's birth parent that makes it even better.

BellaO21 · November 2016

I'm so glad I am not the only one who has had these feelings!! Thank you ladies- I am starting to feel better about the situation... at least for now LOL you never know with all those pregnancy hormones!

email2ash · November 2016

I come from the other side. I was raised by my dad and step mom and they went on to have 3 boys after me. My step mom has been more of a mom to me than my own mom and is my best friend today. Did I have times of jealousy growing up? Sure! But what kid doesn't? I had a great family life and am very lucky to have her. I tease my dad all the time that at least he got it right on his second try

EmeraldNC · November 2016

@email2ash I am closer with my stepmom than I am my biological mother too. My stepmom has only been around since I was about 17... but my biological mother physically abused me and my sister when we were younger, and has a plethora of mental health issues. My stepmom was there helping me prepare for college, has been a great confidant, and now is an amazing grandmother to my kids. I also tease my Dad about finally getting it right!

Xath · November 2016

motherhubbard19 said:

I am so glad someone posted about this as I am going through the same. I have a 10yo SS and I have been with his dad since he was 6. His birth mother is non-existent in his life. The only mothers he has ever really known are me and my mother in law. DH was a young father and pretty much on his own after he was born so my MIL helped raise him until I came along. H and I bought our house together about a year after we met and since then we've been a little family of three and I claim that boy as my own. But this is my first baby and I have worried that I will have a deeper connection with him/her than SS. Because my MIL was the mother figure in SS life for the first 6 years, they have such a bond with each other and a lot of times I don't feel like we have the same connection. So I look forward to forming that bond with this baby. I just don't ever want SS to feel like he isn't as loved. We haven't told him yet and will probably wait until Christmas. But we have mentioned the idea to him before about having a little sibling and he loves the idea. He absolutely loves babies so I hope he will be really excited when we tell him.

If you switch all of the genders in this story; this was me. I was 6 when my Dad came into my life; 8 when they got married, and 10 when my sister was born. My biological father wasn't/isn't in the picture. My grandad was the major father figure until that point, but I grew to have an amazing relationship with my dad.

I'm so grateful that my Dad has never treated me differently or indicated that he loved me differently or less than my sister. Everything wasn't always perfect; we went to family therapy to help work out what our dynamic was going to be. We did it when they got married and we did it again when my sister was born.

My Dad legally adopted me when I was 10. His side of the family has accepted me wholeheartedly just like he did. I'm so fortunate.

I understand that the dynamic is different in families where there are multiple sets of parents. But as a kid who comes from a blended family, let me advocate for loving your kids; all of your kids, and not treating them differently. When you married your spouse, you accepted their children in your lives and your family.

daniev825 · November 2016

I had the same feelings when I had my son last year. My step daughter was 11 and lives with us full time. She begged me and my husband for a little brother and got her wish. When my son was born her and I actually got closer. My love for my son is a different type of love but I do not love her any less. She is an amazing sister and such a huge help with her brother. We have bonded over taking care of the baby together. I also plan special nights with just her and I and my husband does the same. The dynamic of your family will definitely change but change for the better! Good luck and these feelings are definitely normal.

silliegirlie143 · November 2016

I have a lot to say on this so I warn you now that it's long. I can add from the perspective of the first child from the 2nd marriage:

My parents started dating when my sister was 3, got married when she was 5, and had me when my sister was 8. Her Mom is still very much involved (went on to have two daughters of her own with another husband too).

I know not every parental situation could work out the way this one did but i think it was a priceless lesson in love and understanding to all of us kids.

My sister's Mom is/always was a mess. She simply cannot adult. So my Mom stepped up to be the positive female role model to my sister and her other two sisters. My parents fought to get custody of my sister and were denied. When all 3 girls got taken away, my parents begged to keep them together and were able to bring them to live with us, albeit temporarily. All 3 girls got birthday and Christmas presents, even when they weren't living with us.

As adults, my Mom worked with their Mom to throw them baby showers for their pregnancies. We celebrated all major holidays with them. Mother's Day was a huge brunch with all of us girls and both our Moms. When their Mom was trying to get out of an abusive alcoholic relationship, my Mom went with her to alanon meetings. Everything was done from the perspective of "what would be best for the girls?", never just "what would be best for MY girls?"

I know their Mom was the last person that my Mom wanted to share major milestones and Mother's Day with but she did so that it was one unified front for us girls. She did it so that all of us knew how loved we were. She called everyone's kids her grandkids. She called us all her daughters. She never let on if she felt differently.

I remember a birthday card for my oldest sister that read something like "you may not have been the child of my womb but you were the child of my heart from the day i met you". I get all choked up every time I think about it. It was the best!!

TL/DR: yes, you can love all the children

thatlauragirl · November 2016

I just wanted to say that the very fact that you're worried about this shows how very much you love your stepson and how committed you are to making sure he will feel secure and loved even after baby arrives. I think you're awesome and he's lucky to have you in his life.

awillis13 · November 2016

This isn't my first pregnancy, but I do understand worrying about step kids and how they are going to feel. I have an almost 5 year old, and my stepson is 3 1/2. DH and I have been together since just before SS's 1st birthday. His mother is remarried, and had moved in with her new husband before SS's 1st birthday as well. The only thing he knows or remembers is our current family dynamic. With that being said, I feel like now I go out of my way to make sure SS feels like this is his home, mostly because his mom wants nothing more than for him to feel uncomfortable at our house so she can use it as an excuse to get full custody (to say their split was less than amicable is putting it nicely). I worry what she will put in his head after the baby comes, even though she herself is also pregnant right now (I don't know exactly how far along she is but if I do the math from when SS started talking about a baby in mommy's belly, I believe she is due sometime in February).

I also worry about how DH's relationship with my son is going to change. His bio-dad has been out of the picture for awhile (he hasn't even spoken to him since his 4th birthday last December, and hasn't seen him since July 2015). My son and DH have a great relationship, but will having a kid who is genetically his around all the time impact that? I can't imagine that it will, but who knows?

I see it now in my own family. My father adopted my older brother after my parents got married. And while I didn't think he treated us differently when we were growing up, I do see a slight difference in how he treats my son vs my ss and my older brother's kids, since my son is the only one that is biologically related to him. I don't even think he does it intentionally, or realizes it happens.

BellaO21 · November 2016

@thatlauragirl thank you so much!
@silliegirlie143 I'm glad your moms found a way to make you family dynamic work. That is a really great family situation to have. My concern, however, isn't with making it work with the BM, I know I can love both kids and I do love my SS.
@awillis13 I'm sure it's not something that is done intentionally. And I know that I would never intentionally treat my SS any differently than I will this baby, but that's what worries me is the unintentional- that it will happen without me even realizing it.
I am going to do what some of the others have suggested and have little dates with he and I and make sure he still gets that one-on-one time with DH once the baby is here.

ssnova · November 2016

@silliegirlie143 what an amazing mother and story... thank you for sharing it

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