What I wish I knew as a second time mom

lmc929 · November 2016

Since the first time mom thread was such a hit - I would love to hear advice for moms about to have their second (or more)!

How did you juggle more than one? Advice on dealing with jealous toddlers/kids? What you forgot you needed that you didn't still have from Baby #1?

Yadda, yadda, yadda

Image: https://media4.giphy.com/media/xT9DPObyHCA9Mhya6A/200.gif#1

thankfully · November 2016

Your first kid got the gift of your undivided attention. Your second kid gets the gift of a sibling. They are different gifts, but gifts nonetheless. Put away the guilt.

Dont push the older kid developmentally because there's a new baby on the way. 2 in diapers is easier than a newborn and potty learning toddler.

You may need to be a different parent when it comes to your new baby. Every baby is different, your tricks to make the first one happy may not work this time around.

Your newborn won't need much besides food and sleep. This is good for your initial adjustment because you can take some time to focus on your big one. If you baby wear, you can do a lot of fun stuff with the big one so they don't feel like the new baby sucks the fun out of everything.

bornmommy · November 2016

I've back after a hiatus but Id like to put this here if okay.

Best advice I have for new moms (especially moms embarking on their second, third, etc baby)

Give yourself allowance.

Allowance to be sub par. Allowance to be late. Allowance to feed your kids fast food. Allowance to lock yourself in a closet with chocolate. Allowance to let the TV take control sometimes. Allowance to be exactly who you are in all your different lives - wife, mom, you. Take deep breathes. Its really only going to be as hard as you make it. Lower that bar a bit in whichever way you have to and you'll find a whole world of happiness.

Also - be prepared to discuss how you are feeling in the postpartum months. If you are having trouble - PLEASE talk about it with someone - your mom, husband, partner, trusted friend, doula, etc etc. Find your tribe and hold onto them.

Assiram42 · November 2016

Didn't read PPs yet, sorry if duplicate.

It is so possible to love your second (or third) as much as your first.

Have child1 help out, get diapers, feed baby (with assistance, if necessary), just allow them to feel like they're helping.

have dates with your older child/ren. Even if it's just a simple trip to the store or out for ice cream.

Wino0920 · November 2016

To me, the first child will be fine. The world doesn't revolve around them and they are about to find out, like they should.

I made vows to myself to spend alone time with the new baby. The first one has had a lot of alone time and the second deserves a lot as well.

brij2006 · November 2016

Question from 2nd time mom this time around.

Would you recommend having child #1 staying at grandparents or somewhere for a day or 2 after we get home with baby, if that's an option?
We'll try for a 24 hour discharge this time and part of me doesn't want to do it if DD is going to be home. Night 2 is utter hell so I was thinking we just let her stay overnight at grandparents another night so we get a little time with #2 before #1 needing our attention as well.
Or is that not something we'll likely want to do anyways? I know PP emotions are always all over the place and may be different than I think/feel today about this.

Wino0920 · November 2016

brij2006 said:

Question from 2nd time mom this time around.

Would you recommend having child #1 staying at grandparents or somewhere for a day or 2 after we get home with baby, if that's an option?
We'll try for a 24 hour discharge this time and part of me doesn't want to do it if DD is going to be home. Night 2 is utter hell so I was thinking we just let her stay overnight at grandparents another night so we get a little time with #2 before #1 needing our attention as well.
Or is that not something we'll likely want to do anyways? I know PP emotions are always all over the place and may be different than I think/feel today about this.

I would say to go with your instincts are before. I don't see any harm either way. If you are leaning towards letting her stay out, do that!

tosh24 · November 2016

brij2006 said:

Question from 2nd time mom this time around.

Would you recommend having child #1 staying at grandparents or somewhere for a day or 2 after we get home with baby, if that's an option?
We'll try for a 24 hour discharge this time and part of me doesn't want to do it if DD is going to be home. Night 2 is utter hell so I was thinking we just let her stay overnight at grandparents another night so we get a little time with #2 before #1 needing our attention as well.
Or is that not something we'll likely want to do anyways? I know PP emotions are always all over the place and may be different than I think/feel today about this.

We did this. My mom kept #1 for a day while DH and I "relaxed" at home with #2. It was really, really, nice to ease into life with 2 kids.

Xath · November 2016

brij2006 said:

Question from 2nd time mom this time around.

Would you recommend having child #1 staying at grandparents or somewhere for a day or 2 after we get home with baby, if that's an option?
We'll try for a 24 hour discharge this time and part of me doesn't want to do it if DD is going to be home. Night 2 is utter hell so I was thinking we just let her stay overnight at grandparents another night so we get a little time with #2 before #1 needing our attention as well.
Or is that not something we'll likely want to do anyways? I know PP emotions are always all over the place and may be different than I think/feel today about this.

We had a bit of a different experience, but yes I would arrange for your eldest to stay with your parents for a bit for a few reasons. (1) If your plan goes perfectly, you have a bit of time to adjust. (2) If Murphy happens, you don't have to scramble for childcare.

My youngest two ended up being NICU babies, and I stayed with them in the hospital. While DS1 was with my parents, my H had time to stay with DD and DS2 too. It was special grandparent time for him where he got showered with attention and he loved it.

Xath · November 2016

My advice is make sure to set aside snuggle time for your older kids. When someone offers to hold the baby, let them, and then dedicate some of that time to your bigger kids.

Have the baby get your older child a present. A lot of people will be focusing on the new baby and bringing lots of gifts. Also let your older child pick something out to give the baby. Let them feel involved.

JessyKV · November 2016

My DD was only 21 almost 22 months old when DS was born. We told all of our family to great her first and make a big deal out of her. Many people even brought her little big sister gifts. I think this made her less jealous. I spent a lot of one on one time with the baby since I was nursing but I tried to include her a lot. She was such a routine easy kid that as long as she still got her routine she was so easy and good and she loved her brother so much.

Also if your first is in daycare I recommend to take advantage of that. We had to pay either way so I sent my DD 3-4 days a week for short days so I could rest and bond with the new baby and she could stick with her routine and be engaged in playtime. It worked really well for us. I won't have that opportunity this time because I'm a SAHM now. That makes me a little nervous!

I don't think I'm going to be so lucky this time with an easy transition now that she will be 4 and my DS will be 2ish. DS is the biggest Mama's boy ever and will be so jealous. I am definitely thinking of sending them to stay with grandparents a lot next summer to get some more attention and fun activities.

ChrisLipstick · November 2016

This will be my third. With my second, I learned why they put seatbelts on baby swingers/rockers/bouncers. It is not so LO doesn't fall out (they are basically a lump the first while anyway), it is so your older child doesn't pick up the baby without you!

I think DS2 was about 2 weeks old and DS1 was just 2. I went to the bathroom and left DS2 sleeping in the bouncer. I came back and DS1 is attempting to carry him while bent double and DS2 is about 3 inches from the floor! Scary moment.

kdanjou · November 2016

Thanks ladies!

BelhurstBride · November 2016

@brij2006, it totally depends on your kid. For DD1 that would have been a heartbreaking, traumatic experience. She was old enough and smart enough to know about the baby, want to be around the baby and that overnights at her grandparents were an attempt to get her out of our hair. DD2? She'd probably be fine with it. She's far less sensitive than her sister.

@JessyKV, your DS might surprise you. DD1 was- and still is- my little shadow. I was expecting problems when DD2 came, but she was so excited to be a big sister that everything went smoothly.

In response to the OP,
If you didn't baby wear with #1 be prepared to do so with #2.

That's really all I have. DD1 couldn't have handled the transition any better and DD2 was a dream baby. (Such a relief; DD1 was miserable the first 18 months of her life.) I expect DD2 won't make it so easy on us this time around.

Cryscross1009 · November 2016

Ds had just turned 4 when dd was born, so with that age difference he did pretty great. He loved being a helper and getting to hold his little sis. I took him out of daycare when I started maternity leave (about 2 weeks before I delivered). Honestly, as much as a sweet little helper that he was, I wish I would have left him in daycare even for just two weeks so that he could have kept his routine and I could have had more time to rest/heal. I did have some family take him a few days a week so that he could just have some time with cousins or out having fun.

I agree that it's good they learn they aren't the center of the universe, but I also don't see any harm in letting them spend some time where it's just about them. Every kid is so different and I think as moms we have a pretty good idea of how they're going to react (if they'd love a sleepover at gma's or if they'd lose their minds).

This time around, DS will be out of school but I will keep him and DD in daycare for at least a month so that they can keep their routines and I am up and moving around great again (repeat csection).

JessyKV · November 2016

@BelhurstBride I sure hope you are right! He is just such a lover and gets super jealous. I hope he does great and at least he will have DD to commiserate And play with!

I second baby wearing is a life saver. My second lived in my ktan and ergo. I didn't go anywhere without it!

kfry22 · November 2016

Does anyone have advice for making the transition easy on a younger child? My son will only be 20 months in June. Not sure how much he will understand.

Wino0920 · November 2016

kassyfry said:

Does anyone have advice for making the transition easy on a younger child? My son will only be 20 months in June. Not sure how much he will understand.

Are you going to allow him to come to the hospital? My son was 24mths. He came and we let him hold the baby and made a big deal of being a big brother. My son was very different though. He didn't care about the baby at all. Never cried because I held the baby.. nada. He would just play around me while I did my thing with the baby. He was more excited that he got to have sleepovers while I was on the hospital.

I would just just try to make it a positive environment when he is around so that what he associates with the baby.

now my dog on the other hand.. lol!!

BelhurstBride · November 2016

@kassyfry, We read a ton of books with DD1. Books on what babies are like, what it means to be a big sister, how her life might change, what mommy's going through, anything and everything we could find.

DD2 was born about a month before DD1 started preschool (she had only ever SAH with me prior) and ballet. They were new and exciting activities that only big girls got to do. (DD1 was 3.5yo when DD2 was born.)

She could not have handle the transition any better than she did. I have no idea if it's the prep that we did or if she's just that amazing. It's quite possible she's just that amazing.

ChrisLipstick · November 2016

kassyfry said:

Does anyone have advice for making the transition easy on a younger child? My son will only be 20 months in June. Not sure how much he will understand.

I have heard getting your younger child a doll that can be their "baby" is helpful. That way when you are feeding or changing your baby your LO has their own baby to take care of. You can also introduce the doll a few weeks before you are due so you can start showing LO how to hold the baby, etc.

kfry22 · November 2016

@Wino0920 @BelhurstBride @ChrisLipstick
Those are all good ideas, thank you. Yes, I do plan to have someone bring him to the hospital at some point. For reading books, I'm not sure if that will work. I don't even read to him now because he won't sit still! I get two pages in and he's down, off my lap, and gone across the room. I'm thinking it might help that he is around younger babies at daycare. I'm just not sure if he will comprehend that I am pregnant and I will be having a baby at all until it's actually born. And even then, I'm not sure he will grasp that it is coming home with us. Like I said, he will only be 20 months in June. Thanks again for the helpful suggestions!

sls · November 2016

BelhurstBride said:

@kassyfry, We read a ton of books with DD1. Books on what babies are like, what it means to be a big sister, how her life might change, what mommy's going through, anything and everything we could find.

Do you have any book title recommendations?

thankfully · November 2016

Joanna Cole's I'm a big brother was our favorite. It's cute.

ladylolly89 · November 2016

kassyfry said:

@Wino0920 @BelhurstBride @ChrisLipstick
Those are all good ideas, thank you. Yes, I do plan to have someone bring him to the hospital at some point. For reading books, I'm not sure if that will work. I don't even read to him now because he won't sit still! I get two pages in and he's down, off my lap, and gone across the room. I'm thinking it might help that he is around younger babies at daycare. I'm just not sure if he will comprehend that I am pregnant and I will be having a baby at all until it's actually born. And even then, I'm not sure he will grasp that it is coming home with us. Like I said, he will only be 20 months in June. Thanks again for the helpful suggestions!

My DS will be 14 months in June. None of the suggestions on here really apply well to our situation either. My hope is that since he's so young, the transition should at least be quick and soon he won't even remember life before new baby.

pghctwife · November 2016

Ditto so much of this.

ill be the outlier and say no to extra nights away for big sibs. The time when you are in the hospital is hard on them and IMO they are the ones with the biggest workd change happening... bring them home, let the, start adjusting. Prioritize them. If shit happens, it should good to have the backup but I'd have your mom come stay with you if you really want the help.

my advice is related. The baby can cry, put your first fchild rest. They are aware. The baby can wait. If you are in the middle of a story and baby wakes, finish then get him. Or say "oh it sounds like baby woke. Should we pause and get him or wait to finish?' So they get to have a choice. Ime they usually say to get the baby. Let them hold the baby as much we've they want, help with diapers etc. don't stop their lives.... go to the playground, etc. baby wearing is key.

My oldest was 21m when his brother was born and he took it well, basically immediately forgot he wasn't a,ways there. He wouldn't talk to me at the hospitals... don't take that personally. He was great at home and just was mad not to be with us for a whole day. That part was harder than the baby I think.

Have good toys and activities very and fit for them when they visit

pghctwife · November 2016

And everything @thankfully said... perfect.

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