I'm a crappy mom

Delitachan · June 2016

I'm 36 years old and a FTM. Never in my life have I been around kids, much less infants in any fashion. Ever. When I became pregnant with my son, I was overjoyed and so protective. I prayed so much for my son to be born well. My prayers were answered and I gave birth to my son 11 days ago.

Now, I knew that raising a baby was hard work. I knew he'd be fussy and so forth. But I just never expected to feel so negative about it.

My son sleeps poorly at night. He'll look pained as if he has gas and sleeps by making straining/grunting noises. He wakes himself up a lot. The first few nights, he wouldn't sleep for 3 hours straight. It became so awful that I decided to leave the bedroom at night and get MY 6-7 hours of sleep. My husband, a God-sent angel, said he didn't mind taking the night shift by himself. He says he loves his son that much that he doesn't mind. It made me feel like a crap of a mother.

Today, my son was fussy all day and I ended up letting my Mom take over and I locked myself in my office to cry. I felt like I didn't want to do this anymore. I told my husband, I'll cook, clean, do your laundry, take care of ANYTHING in the house as long as you deal with the fussy baby. He said that that was fine, he would raise our child - after all, lots of single parents do it by themselves. Again, I felt like crap. I'm the mother. I should be sharing baby duties with him.

My husband has been the one running on 3-4 hours of sleep per day. He's the Mom in this entire scenario; I appear to be the dad.
I did talk to my doctor about PPD, but she's hesitant to prescribe anything since it's so soon after birth. She just thinks I'm overwhelmed. So I can't do anything until at least 3-4 weeks, when the baby blues supposedly subside.

I feel so selfish - my son isnt that bad compared to other situations. At most, he's just fussy. He doesn't scream, he just cries here and there. I just get frustrated because I want things to be easy. I'm an introvert and I want me time. And I don't want to deal with this hard stuff.

I'm a crappy mom. Sorry, I just needed to talk.

JoMunson · June 2016

You're not a crappy mom. Let's start there.
you realized you were feeling overwhelmed and not making good choices and you found someone to watch and care for your baby. That's what good moms do.
be kind to yourself- your baby is still so small! He doesn't know what he's doing and neither do you. Your body is adjusting and flushing out hormones that made you feel blissful and happy and now you're feeling like your expectations aren't quite meeting the reality you find yourself in.
Keep leanin on your husband, keep talking to your doctor, and definitely stay here! When I've felt at my wits end these ladies have helped me feel like I'm not alone, and that matters!

Kurrant · June 2016

You're not a crappy mom. You should maybe head to the PPD post. I was feel extremely negative about everything for a while and reading other people stories really helped me feel a bit better. I'm still not feeling 100% and I still have a fussy baby ( although she is getting a bit better now ) but I still found the support and shared experiences to be quite helpful. I felt very much the same way. I didn't want to deal with Lucine at all. I would cry several times a day imagining that my new life as a mom. Its so good that your husband can help pick up the slack and give you a needed break from everything. There is no shame in leaning on family if you have it.

dshannah · June 2016

Seconding PP: you are not a crappy mom, and everything you describe is totally normal.

Your husband (who sounds awesome) can be there for you in part because he has not suffered through the last nine months (physically and hormonally) as you did, he is not having hormone issues now as you are, and he's Not subject to the same societally dictated standards as mothers are. So there is less pressure. Don't get me wrong, your husband is a fucking champ (not many husbands would be so understanding and energetic). But you are not doing anything wrong and you are not a bad mom.

And I would wager money (a lot) that you will feel differently in a week. I had a similar trajectory, and I was told that's just how the baby blues work.

good luck, and creepy internet hugs!

Bellodomani · June 2016

I can't even tell you how many times during pregnancy, labor, and parenthood I've had that exact same thought- I want out. I want someone else to do this hard work. I want a break from the pain, sickness, exhaustion, etc. I have days where I have this weird feeling like I want to be a child so that I don't have to do any thn and everyone will just take care of me, which is actually ridiculous because my mom was/ maybe is still insane and my childhood was really rough. It doesn't make you a crappy mom to want to opt out of tough shit, it makes you a human person. And it sounds like you have really good support to get you through these particularly hard & hormonal early days, so now you need to work on giving yourself permission to feel your feelings and not worry about what it means in terms of your larger relationship to motherhood. Truly, give it a week or two and it may get better on its own- I feel 1000x better than I did two weeks ago, and my baby is 4.5 weeks old. Things haven't gotten objectively any easier (they've actually gotten harder and my husband is about to move across the country so they will only get harder) but I feel like a fog has been lifting from my brain, and hopefully you'll feel that way soon too. And if you don't, you'll talk to your doctor again and address the issue. But either way, it is going to get easier and you will eventually feel better, I promise.

TunieBee · June 2016

I have a two year old and a 3 week old. Since my first was born, I often feel like I just want it to be easy and don't want to be involved in the hard parts. At the same time, I am
obsessed with my children and parenthood is incredibly rewarding. I have an incredibly supportive husband and mother and family. The hard parts become more tolerable and in the end, the good wins out. You are not a bad mother. And if you feel you need meds or help for PPD, seek help. Just know you are not alone.

tgortney · June 2016

Definitely not alone. I've had days where I've thought about not wanting to do this anymore. I want out of this mess. I want to be "me" again. Actually, my mom came and took care of the baby for 2 days and 2 nights and I got some sleep (with the exception of waking up to pump) and I actually woke up thinking about how this was what my life use to be. I felt super guilty for thinking it too. Then I missed my baby when I wasn't around him. When my mom had him, all I wanted to do was take him back and snuggle with him. Then when I got him back and he went on a fussy rampage. The feelings of wanting out came back. These early days feel like such a crazy rollercoaster. I'm also a FTM so I don't know if it'll get better but I've been told many times that it does. I've been told the days are long but the years are fast and the tired moments go by very quick. All these things were told to me by moms of multiples so there's hope in that.

Your husband sounds awesome, lean on him.

proudparent2b · June 2016

Agree with PP.

What helped me was finding the things that allow me to still feel like me. DH isn't nearly as awesome as yours in terms of assisting with night duty, but gives me a break to take a leisurely shower. Between that and taking LO on a daily outing (such as coffee shop or library), which LO typically sleeps through, I feel more like me. Sleep also helps A LOT.

You'll get through this! Keep on your dr if you're not feeling better soon though. You owe it to yourself and LO.

mrstmoose · June 2016

I've been there too. I also have an amazing husband that understands my breaking points and has taken over numerous times. We have started splitting the night up into shifts. I take the early half (until 2/2:30ish) and he takes over until 6/6:30ish. This has helped a lot as we realized that we both need a 3-4 hour stretch of sleep. I was feeling really stressed and overwhelmed the last couple weeks but my girl and I finally started getting the hang of it once my husband went back to work. Take little victories each day. And know it's ok if they cry for awhile. If you need to go to the bathroom, put the baby down and go. They will be ok.

hellogoodbye2 · June 2016

With my first, at 11 days postpartum, I could have written the exact same thing. I promise you it will get better and your feelings are normal! The huge change of having a baby and the sleep deprivation are no joke! Take care of yourself!

Bluejay3030 · June 2016

hellogoodbye2 said:

With my first, at 11 days postpartum, I could have written the exact same thing. I promise you it will get better and your feelings are normal! The huge change of having a baby and the sleep deprivation are no joke! Take care of yourself!

Same here. You're not alone in feeling this way! It gets better, and the proof is in those of us who have come back for more after having these same feelings. Hang in there, and take help however you can to survive.

kami09 · June 2016

I have a few thoughts: your husband does sound awesome in that helping, but why as a society do we have to then think of him as "the mom". Actually why do we think that him helping is "so awesome"?He's just as equally a parent as you are and if you need him to be there for you and the baby, that should just be normal. His comments kind of rubbed me the wrong way.

but your feelings are okay! Having a newborn is hard! The sleep deprivation is horrible! You feel like it's never going to end, but it does. Time goes on and things get better. Just do what you need to do for the best of everyone involved- & it sounds like you're doing that.

Bltbear82 · June 2016

You're not a bad mom. The fact that you're worried about it proves that fact. I think there's definitely a shock factor to becoming a parent and everyone deals with it differently, but your baby needs a healthy mom too so taking care of yourself is essential. It can be overwhelming feeling like this tiny human depends on you for everything but like PPs have said, it gets much better and there will always be challenging days but they come in phases and you can be certain the tough days won't be constant for long.

TinaTho · June 2016

You are not alone. I've been suffering from a great many feelings of inadequacy and also been relying on my husband when he is home for some additional care especially for the overnights as I've been getting up to pump and therefore he's getting up to bottle feed and soothe her.

That being said, keep an open dialogue with your doctor as you potentially could benefit from treatment in the future if things don't become more manageable.

It is really really hard work, and like you I thought I was prepared for it. And I really just wasn't.

Delitachan · June 2016

Thanks everyone.
Today, I had horrible thoughts. I woke up feeling horrible dread (after my 7 hours of sleep) and said to myself "I don't want to do this. Not today. Not ever." And I shut the door so that my DH can take care of baby when he wakes up instead of me taking over the shift. Then today at Walmart, I told him that I didn't want to do this anymore. I also said, upon arriving home, that "I don't want to go back to the baby." He was so startled and said it was obvious that this was not baby blues anymore and to call immediately for medication. i will likely do so tomorrow.

JessicaB0627 · June 2016

Hugs @Delitachan! I hope you can start feeling better soon. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to reiterate that you are not alone in feeling like that. The transition into motherhood is hard, but it will get easier.

saladflambe · June 2016

Hugs mama - I hear you. I have been there. You are in the earliest of early days and I promise even in just a few weeks it can better. It will get better. It will get easier.

When I was where you were only a couple of weeks ago, I said every day that I didn't want to do this, that I regretted it. I wanted to die. I really truly wanted to die. Take the help. It is OK to take the help. It is OK to lean heavily on your husband and your mom and anyone else who is there to help you. It is OK. Cry. You need to cry. Every day multiple times a day as often as you need. It is OK to cry.

I highly recommend finding a therapist even if you can't get on medication right now. I also recommend finding a new moms group because I know that was a huge shift for me. When I found the new mom support group that I attend now, I went in, and just seeing all of the other babies and moms and realizing that we were all overwhelmed was super helpful for me.

For me, it started getting better at two weeks. We are now almost 5 weeks, and I am just starting to feel like I can do this and even enjoy my daughter. And I know that every single day feels like an eternity right now, but I promise that you will make it. And then you will look back and be glad that you did. It gets easier and this will pass I promise. And push for the medication if that's what you think you need. Do it. You are important. You deserve help

proudparent2b · June 2016

@saladflambe How do you find a new moms group? I've been struggling to find a way to get connected with others as most kid activities I've found are meant for toddlers and up. I've even asked around my church to see if there's a way of getting involved over the summer, but nope! I didn't realize how much I had counted on work for socialization.

Delitachan · June 2016

I finally went to the doctor and got prescribed Pristiq. This after I spent the last two days just crying in the closet. Everytime baby gets fussy, I just want to run out of the room. I feel enormous guilt making my husband care for the baby 24/7. He says he doesn't mind and loves it. He melts looking at baby's eyes. I feel vacant when I do that. I even wished I could hire a nanny to do the raising for me. All that makes me happy is being enclosed in a room away from the baby.

yogahh · June 2016

proudparent2b said:

@saladflambe How do you find a new moms group? I've been struggling to find a way to get connected with others as most kid activities I've found are meant for toddlers and up. I've even asked around my church to see if there's a way of getting involved over the summer, but nope! I didn't realize how much I had counted on work for socialization.

Sorry to jump in... But try Facebook. My neighborhood has a local moms group on fb that I follow. I'm not good at meeting new people, so I haven't gone to a meet up yet, but it's good to know there is an option to make mommy friends in my area.

saladflambe · June 2016

yogahh said:

proudparent2b said:

@saladflambe How do you find a new moms group? I've been struggling to find a way to get connected with others as most kid activities I've found are meant for toddlers and up. I've even asked around my church to see if there's a way of getting involved over the summer, but nope! I didn't realize how much I had counted on work for socialization.

Sorry to jump in... But try Facebook. My neighborhood has a local moms group on fb that I follow. I'm not good at meeting new people, so I haven't gone to a meet up yet, but it's good to know there is an option to make mommy friends in my area.

This and also check your hospital

amberraysofdawn · June 2016

proudparent2b said:

@saladflambe How do you find a new moms group? I've been struggling to find a way to get connected with others as most kid activities I've found are meant for toddlers and up. I've even asked around my church to see if there's a way of getting involved over the summer, but nope! I didn't realize how much I had counted on work for socialization.

One of the libraries I used to work at has a "babygarten" class/activity group that meets once a week for moms of kids 0-6 months. It's free as long as you have a library card. I'm planning on joining as soon as Em has had her shots, so I can be around other new moms in the same position I am. The one I last worked at had a similar program, too (though that's a further commute than I'm willing to make anytime soon). Maybe yours has something similar?

balamama · June 2016

saladflambe said:

yogahh said:

proudparent2b said:

@saladflambe How do you find a new moms group? I've been struggling to find a way to get connected with others as most kid activities I've found are meant for toddlers and up. I've even asked around my church to see if there's a way of getting involved over the summer, but nope! I didn't realize how much I had counted on work for socialization.

Sorry to jump in... But try Facebook. My neighborhood has a local moms group on fb that I follow. I'm not good at meeting new people, so I haven't gone to a meet up yet, but it's good to know there is an option to make mommy friends in my area.

This and also check your hospital

I went to a new moms group sponsored by my hospital and it has been great. I also have trouble meeting new people but this has been enormously helpful.

proudparent2b · June 2016

Thank you ladies! Sorry for hijacking this thread!

JoMunson · June 2016

proudparent2b said:

Thank you ladies! Sorry for hijacking this thread!

My birth center has a baby clinic where they weigh your baby and then the moms usually hang out after. It was so awesome!
there also might be a fit moms club type thing in your town- mine has a stroller walk group I'm gunna check out this weekend. It is hard to meet other moms!

Bellodomani · June 2016

I second everything pp have said- library story hour, your hospital, any sort of birthing/ breastfeeding support center. Also, if you're looking for one specifically targeted towards moms struggling with PPD/PPA, check the website www.postpartumprogress.com and babybluesconnection.org, they both have lists of groups by state and you may find one in your area.

Christilynw · June 2016

My boy was the same way. I breastfeed him (nurse and pump) and supplement with formula. Upon recommendation from a friend who went through the same thing (and after the ok from my pediatrician) I switched his formula from the purple container of Enfamil for gassy fussy babies (it didn't help) to NUTRAMIGEN formula for lactose intolerant babies. It's in a gold container also by Enfamil. It's about $13 more than the other formula but worth it. It's made such a difference. Give it a try. You can find it at some Walmarts and at Target. I also cut out dairy from my diet since I'm still nursing, too. Good luck.

dshannah · June 2016

@Delitachan

I just got caught up on the announcements thread, and saw that you were in the hospital for two days with jaundice!

That same thing happened to me and I was told (thankfully--because then I knew to expect it) that having that NICU experience shortly after L&D is a major, major predictor of PPMD's. It's an early and violent shock into the reality of parenthood, and a far cry from what any of us envision, so the disconnect between hope and reality is far more pronounced, and seems to trigger PPMDs.

I'm glad you are getting meds, and that will hopefully sort things out, but I thought that maybe knowing about the connection between PPD and NICU or PICU stays would also help, because even though PPD strikes often at random, sometimes there are likely triggers present that help us recognize its not just that we won/lost some random lottery, or that our brain chemistry is fundamentally prone to it, but that our experiences have led us to it. And it's logical, which makes this seemingly illogical phenomenon more manageable, imho.

I remember feeling that vacancy when I looked into my son's eyes, and it's terrifying. Mine was likely triggered by the PICU stay and my lactation issues. But it's gone now (6 weeks postpartum) and I am loving my little boy fiercely, in a way I feared in those first few weeks that I never would.

lalala2004 · June 2016

@Delitachan I was on Pristiq before and it helped me so much! I'm not sure if they told you, but it's better to take at night because it can cause dizziness. Also, do NOT stop it cold turkey when you feel you don't need it. If you miss more than a few days it makes you feel really weird.

Delitachan · June 2016

It's my first day on Pristiq and so far nothing (not that I expected it to work). But here I am locked in my office again.
Dear son has thrust, according to the doctor. So he's getting meds and it explains why he's been so fussy lately. Especially at feeding time. Today he screamed bloody murder for his bottle. I gave it to him and he screamed afterward. I know he's in pain from the thrush, but I felt my anxiety levels rise again. So my sleep-deprived DH has the baby now. I couldn't stay there.
I hate myself for this.

missnc77 · June 2016

@Delitachan Most antidepressants take a couple of weeks to work. Hang in there!

lalala2004 · June 2016

Yes, it takes time to get into your system. I hope it helps you like it helped me. Antidepressants can be tricky. Just remember that you feeling this way is not your fault. Some things can just throw our bodies out of balance, and it's usually just temporary.

JoMunson · June 2016

I would also say antidepressants/mood stabilizers take slow to work. When I was on them before my BFP I didn't notice a change until I had a very stressful day and didn't bipolar all over the place (as I call it).

Delitachan · June 2016

Yeah day 3 and the only thing I notice is marked insomnia. I get 4 hours per night (I don't sleep in the same room as baby).

NB817 · July 2016

Have things gotten any better? Update?

Delitachan · October 2016

So far, doing okay.
I'm no longer depressed - that ended when I went back to work. I feel busy and full of energy now. I stopped taking meds cold turkey and decided that that was enough. I can't be depressed.

I still have some anxiety around my son but it's not as bad. Hubs still watches baby at night, but baby and I hang out more often. And despite it all, he loves me a lot. He watches for me, squeals and kicks when I talk. He must have forgiven me for the past.

Want a personalized experience?

I'm a crappy mom

Re: I'm a crappy mom

Choose Another Board

Search Boards