H's Family is being rude?

Kittievr4 · September 2016

I apologize in advance that this will probably be rant-y and probably hormone based.

Quick background: We have a daughter already (2yo) and our niece (12yo) We are (obvs) currently pregnant with another child, but this time it's a boy.

My problem is thankfully not with my MIL or FIL as they are both awesome, but with the rest of H's family. We decided not to worry about keeping the sex of the baby a secret (though we're still not sharing name choices til after LO is born) but I've already had an earful from the relatives.

His aunt V (who has no kids) has said "Oh good you're having a boy to continue the family name, you'll be the only one you know!" "You're keeping the *last name* alive!"

His aunt R (who has 3 kids) has said "I want grandkids so much but I'll never get any" "I'm so lonely without grandkids"

His uncle B (married to aunt R) has said "I'll never have any heirs" "At least someone is keeping the family name alive"

Personally, I think this is extremely uncool of all of them to say, especially since they say these things in front of their kids and around our niece and daughter. A boy is exciting, sure, but it isn't the end all be all is it? Am I over-reacting to it or are they being rude to the kids in the "next generation" of our family?

ceclarlinetlo · September 2016

We were in the same position to "carry on the family name" DH's dad has 5 sisters and all but one of the 12 grandchild from those aunts are boys but they all have their fathers names. Now that we know it's a boy it's definitely something people joke a lot about especially since we have a very uncommon last name - well in the US anyway, I'm pretty sure it's a more common name in Poland. BUT since I am sure they would be excited either way and they are just joking about the situation it doesn't both me.

Is it possible they are going overboard? Yes - especially if they are older and have some odd ideals of putting a son at higher value. Is is it possible you're over reacting? Sure you are pregnant - over reacting is part of the game - but if it really bothers you, you could try telling them how you feel and ask them to stop.

Kittievr4 · September 2016

Thanks @ceclarlinetlo I think that was exactly what I needed to hear. If I thought they were just joking I don't think it would really bother me either. At least, I would hope it wouldn't bother me. Unfortunately I know they aren't joking so I'll have a talk with H about how to approach them about it.

Wholesome · September 2016

Sounds like they are just complaining out loud to you about their kids. Sure, tacky, and makes it a little awkward for you but I wouldn't think anything more of it. They are in a sense very proud of you and envious that you are giving your in laws what they want for themselves too.

you are carrying on your husbands family name. My brother hasn't been able to find a stable relationship or wed. My maiden name might die with my generation because of this. I haven't heard this name inside the US, at least not spelled or pronounced the same. We have no family in another country so that's a dead end there (although other unrelated people might have the name). Kind of sad when I think about it. My grandpa died not too long ago so the last people with the name are my dad, brother & sister because she refused to change it when she got married (but my sister's kids have their dad's name). I often wonder if this name dying thing makes my dad a little sad too.

Kittievr4 · September 2016

Maybe that's part of the problem for me, they ARE complaining out loud about their kids, not just to me, but to basically anyone who will listen. I know it hurts their kids' feelings when they do so because I've talked with them about it.

Carrying on my H's name is fine, that by itself I have no problem with, but everyone making such a gigantic deal is what I think is bothering me. (or at least, what FEELS like a big deal, because you know, pregnancy) I'm probably a little butt hurt as well because I'm an only child and my family's name ends with me. End of story. Which I'm sure my parents are slightly sad about, but not too bothered by.

ceclarlinetlo · September 2016

@Kittievr4 would your maiden name work as a middle name for new baby? If I didn't have brothers with children I probably would have given this boy my maiden name as a middle name.

ThePax89 · September 2016

Ugh annoying pressure to put on a kid. I remember at my grandmother's funeral, literally as she was getting lowered into the ground, my super dramatic 12 year old male cousin (the only boy out of all of the cousins) said "it's all up to me to carry on the name".

Kittievr4 · September 2016

@ceclarlinetlo That's a wonderful thought, but it's not a common name and difficult for the average american to spell. It's quite long so I don't think it would fit well as a middle name. That's a great idea though!

@ThePax89 definitely too much pressure for a kid! Especially (I think) with how common it's becoming for ladies to keep their last name when getting married, etc. People, huh?

themuffinman16 · September 2016

I totally can understand where you are coming from. I am having a boy and it will be the first boy in the family to carry on the last name. It's all I ever hear. It just upsets me to think how my nieces feel in all of this. I was the girl in my family, that my parents wished I was a boy. I was even named after my father, but once my brother came along, he got my father's name as well. it does make girls feel as if they are wallflowers, and it always made me kind of sad. We have kept the gender to ourselves.], because I just can't handle to hear the comments, knowing how it will make our nieces feel.

surlyjaneausten · September 2016

I too am carrying on the family name. I made it a joke right away. When it was brought up the first time I said "I feel so relieved that my Marie Antoinette-esque duty is fulfilled. Now I really don't have to do any work for the rest of my life!" It's an old fashioned, silly thing to worry about these days. Names can be passed down through first and middles names, and it's not like the genes end if the name does. Sorry your family is being annoying!

katesmama0706 · September 2016

Oy. H's last name is pretty uncommon as is my maiden. We got a couple "oh you need a boy to carry on the name" comments but I didn't really think twice about them. Maybe just because his family says far more obnoxious and rude things to me than that, but my last name ended with me so we are using a variation on it as this baby's middle name. I get the desire to pass on the name but I also totally feel you on the "ugh my in-laws say the most insensitive things to me and things are said in front of kids that should never be said in front of kids"

Kurtni · September 2016

This just made me realize this is the only kid from my husbands family "carrying on the name". His only brother has two daughters. His sister has two boys but with her BFs last name. Shockingly I haven't received any stupid patriarchal comments about it.

Maybe we will give the baby my last name to stir the pot.

Kittievr4 · September 2016

Thanks everyone! I know it's not big important problem and definitely just an annoyance but dang, it just gets under my skin!

therealfrizzle · September 2016

My FIL, within the first few months of our marriage and quite a bit before we really started thinking of having kids, stated that we needed to have a boy to carry on the family name. He's one of 4 boys but only one brother and he are married with kids. His brother's son has 2 girls. My BIL is 36 and has never dated and the chances of him having kids don't seem high. I was stunned when he told me this. Like, okay, no pressure, thanks. But with my FIL, he's so laid back and just says things without thinking that I can let things roll off my back. I'd definitely be tired of all the comments you've been getting.

Kittievr4 · September 2016

@PMForbie Definitely similar enough situations. H's dad has 2 siblings, one can't have kids and the other has 3 that either can't, don't want any, or are in no head space to do so. H's bro has 1 girl and they've decided not to have more. And funny enough, it's not my in-laws making all the inappropriate comments, it's everyone else in the family. The aunts and uncles. Ugh.

Carly79 · September 2016

My brother was in the position of "carrying on the family name" and my dad made a big effort to not make it a big deal. But it was important to my brother. In the end he ended up having a boy but it's not something we talk about. My sister and I toyed with ways to incorporate our maiden name in to our kids middle or first names and just never really came up with anything. My husbands family on the other hand put a lot of pressure on us hoping for a boy with our first. He technically has some cousins that can carry on the name but they really aren't participating members of the family so his parents really wanted him to have boy (his siblings each have 1 girl each). We didn't care either way with our first but it was definitely nice when we found out it was a boy just to have them off our backs. If their comments about carrying on the name bother you I would find a way to say something. I found if I didn't respond much to it they didn't continue.

I would try not to let how they talk about their own kids bother you. While it's annoying and may end up requiring a discussion with your own kids, it really is between them and their kids. If their kids are opting to not have children or just aren't in a place to have kids then it would be up to them to speak up to their parents and let them know it bothers them when they talk about them like that. It's too bad really, but some people just don't realize how words can hurt.

Wholesome · September 2016

I think it's easy to blow this way out of proportion. A comment or two here or there doesn't necessarily mean people are fixed on it. we all have family members who say stupid stuff, doesn't mean anything more than a person saying a stupid thing but with pregnant hormones, we can push it further in our minds than others intended.

i had a drunk grandma grab my chest when I was little (like in elementary school) and exclaim to the whole room in awe that I was getting big boobs at such a young age. Doesn't mean she was fixed on them or was something she dwelled on - she was just drunk and stupid. Thankfully the whole room reacted in a way that made sure to let me know she was way out of line. Not everyone is quick to speak up when it's just stupid comments, they just roll their eyes and see you as a big girl who can deal with it without needing to be rescued.

Kittievr4 · September 2016

@Wholesome If it was only a comment or two I would agree with you that it's probably just my hormones. But it's the first thing I hear from any of them EVERY time I see them. I've asked my MIL about it as well (seriously, my MIL is amazeballs) and she agreed that they're overreacting. She said gives no f***s about boys or girls, she's just happy if we have healthy grandbabies

Wholesome · September 2016

That sucks, @Kittievr4. I'm the type that would find a way to flip it around on them and make them feel uncomfortable about commenting on it in the future. I tend to be snarky though and let my feelings be known. I don't bottle anything up. I can be seen as abrasive or a godsend, depending on how you look at it. People always know where they stand with me, I don't hide it but hash anything out as soon as possible so it's no longer something I need to dwell on or let them think is okay. I deal with it until we're all in agreement on something and then everyone moves on, nothing more to be addressed later.

you could totally be me for a day and then blame it on your hormones. Haha.

andrawrmeda2 · October 2016

I didn't have exactly that to deal with. When we found out we were having a boy, my fiance was actually dreading him being born for a while. He has 3 sisters and he's the only boy. So he knew right away that our son would be the favored grandchild, which in a way is true and isnt. He's not the first grandson, but he's the first one with the last name. And that set the 2 sisters with kids off. Especially the oldest, cause she's the type that likes the spotlight on her or her kids. For a few months all I heard was well we know which grandkid will be spoiled or he's gonna be the new favorite. It made me kind of mad. My grandparents always played favorites with me and my cousin, but I spent ALOT of my time with them, whereas she didnt, cause she didn't like going to their house much. So I always got everything and it made my aunt mad. With there being 6 grandkids, I didn't even want to think of a favorite. (Although the youngest sister has the first born girl, and she's told me she just knows her daughter is the favorite girl cause she was first) it made me feel very upset and my fiance finally told the girls to knock it off, cause it made me feel outcasted. But he's even said it and I've had to stop him a few times, cause their dad does spend a lot of time with our son, and I try not to instigate it. Now we're having a girl and I'm not sure how it will go, cause it seems like everything is a competition with the 2 girls, or they have to be treated like twins. There is no in between. So I'm hoping that since there's a 2/3 year gap we won't have to deal with it. I would just tell everyone it makes you uncomfortable to hear that. Cause it is very uneasy to hear that everywhere.

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