Work and Treatments

mini-murph · September 2016

I've been wondering, does your work know you're going through treatments or what do you tell them about needing to take off work for all the Dr. appointments?

I work in a small office, it's myself and 2 older women (50+). Both of these ladies are extremely anti-kids, and I'm running out of excuses as to why I'm coming in late/leaving early. Let's just say that if I were to tell them I was undergoing fertility treatments, I wouldn't be surprised if I was fired for some work related reason.

So I'm curious if I'm the only one who's got this challenge.

Bababatty · September 2016

Oh wow, I'm sorry you're in that position! I did tell me boss, but only because I knew she would understand and I wouldn't be penalized. I'm sorry you have to dodge around them. Know that legally they can not inquire about what you're doing with your sick time, if you're using that. So I'd just tell them you have doctors appointments and let them ponder on their own. And if they did fire you, you'd have grounds for a wrongful termination lawsuit.

mtpbadger · September 2016

I haven't told my work that I'm going through treatments. Thankfully I have plenty of sick leave so if needed, am able to use that to come in late and usually just say I have a medical appointment. Also my clinic does early monitoring appointments so at most I am 15-20 minutes late.

Like previous poster said, legally your employer can't ask what your sick time is related to. If you have the leave, you are legally able to use it.

mini-murph · September 2016

It's so infuriating, irritating, stressful, etc. They're so nosy and just don't leave it at "I had an appointment", when I had blood drawn one of them flat out asked if I was trying to get pregnant. I said no, then she said "good, because we wouldn't want to deal with that in our office"

I was flabbergasted! In my interview she flat out asked if I had kids, and went on about how they aren't a "kids" type of workplace.

I usually do my appointments first thing in the morning, but it still makes me about 1-2hrs late.

DH suggested that I write down dates, times, and what's said, in preparations of a lawsuit. Guess I mostly want to vent about the BS situation I'm in.

MMD1986 · September 2016

I'm sorry @LuluMurph. That is so frustrating you don't think your coworkers would be supportive. I do agree if it is a good idea to keep notes of everything.

I am very fortunate in that both of my bosses have been through fertility treatments with my same doctor, so they are very supportive and understand. The only problem I have now is they like to ask a lot of questions about my appointments. I know they are just curious how its all going, but sometimes I just don't want to discuss my ovaries or husband's sperm count with them.

wifeinraleigh28 · September 2016

Wow @LuluMurph, I'm pretty sure it's illegal for an employer to ask about kids in an interview. They sound terrible!! No wonder you're worried about this. I would keep them completely in the dark if I were you, as it is none of their business.

I just tell my boss I've got appointments and so far she hasn't said anything or inquired deeper. It really isn't any of their business and we don't have to tell them the truth if we don't want to!

Esperer · September 2016

@Lulumurph I'm really sorry you're dealing with that on top of the stress that already comes with IF. Not cool! I definitely agree with your DH that you should start keeping track of what is said and by whom. It sounds like at the very least you have a potential discrimination case. Have you thought of talking with someone in HR? They might have some helpful suggestions for how to handle any time you need to come in late or leave early for appointments.

fivetimesnoluck · September 2016

@LuluMurph That's awful that they are so inappropriate with the questions in your interview and the statements they have made since then! My love tit above is to second what your DH said about noting incidents.

If you are in the US, you may want to go ahead and reach out to someone at your state's Department of Labor office to ask about how you can navigate this and/or best prepare yourself for the worst outcome. Sounds like it is a small organization without any real HR, so I am sure you feel stuck. But just because the operation is small doesn't mean they can ignore employment law!

I would encourage you to do what you need to protect yourself. IF is stressful enough on its own. You really shouldn't have to worry about the threat of losing your job on top of it.

mini-murph · September 2016

@fivetimesnoluck thanks. I'm in FL, the Department of Labor office is a good idea. Yeah, the property is small and HR is only 2 people, so no real structure. The worst part is I took this job because it was supposed to be a small property and low stress. If I had known the insanity I would have stayed at my larger stressful property, making great money! HA!

Labluver2 · September 2016

I just started my treatment and I'm still going thru the testing. Its been so stressful trying to find a way to tell my boss without telling my boss. I work for a small family own practice we have about 15 empoyees total. Most of us are really close and a few of them know why I'm leaving early, taking days off and coming in late.

My boss however likes to make judgement and I just don't feel like dealing with her. I basically told her I would have days in the next few months that I'll be either leaving early for drs appt. She did ask if everything was ok and I said as far as I know but Its personal and I don't wish to go into detail. I know its driving her crazy but I don't want everyone in my personal buisness.

You job doesn't need to know the reason and from the sound of it if they arent kid friendly they wouldn't be very supportive. Good luck.

nellin-2 · September 2016

@LuluMurph That is terrible. I agree with all the other advice - keep a note of your appointments and look after yourself.

I have told my immediate supervisor but nobody else knows and I hate having to make up excuses but also don't want . Today at 3pm I found out I needed to pick up more drugs before 5pm so I feigned a headache and "went home" early.

I'm very lucky that my immediate supervisor is super supportive, our sick leave is super generous and my clinic is only 15 minutes drive away.
When I told my manager I told her if she didn't mind I was just going to make up lies to my other colleagues and she said that was fine. I keep pretending to my colleagues (not my manager) that I'm going to have a meeting in another building (which I do actually do all the time) and then sneaking to appointments!

missydallas · September 2016

I've dealt with this same situation @LuluMurph (anti-kid female boss) and struggled as well as how to deal with treatments. I totally know what boat you're in - and I'm sorry, it totally sucks.

I think you're DH is right on keeping track of dates, times, and things said. I also recorded my boss with my iPhone and some of the anti-pregnant / kid things she said just in case (and later gave to my HR dept). I usually take my phone into meetings - so I just turned on the record feature whenever I had to discuss dr appointments with her.

(adding edit, I know recording is different from state to state - I'm in TX where only one side needs to know)

mini-murph · September 2016

@missydallas glad to know I'm not the only one who experienced this. How did your situation work out in the end?

sleepyrn · September 2016

My work does know. My immediate supervisor is ok with it, but corporate not so much. I've had to tell them because after ER and FET there are lifting restrictions and I'm a nurse and can't lift patients. So I had to take an unpaid leave. Also, my hospital is Catholic and they don't believe in Reproductive Assistance so my short term disability is not approved, and my first leave was not approved because I was violating the moral/ethical standards of the catholic church. My second leave was approved, but I had to take a personal not medical leave. It's still an ongoing battle, as I have a full round of IVF with ER and FET coming up again since the first two transfers didn't take.

missydallas · September 2016

@lulumurph Long story short - she was forced to resign (for various reasons). I was up front about my treatments, but she ended up putting me in an uncomfortable position with her manager and forcing me to explain why I wasn't willing to travel to Asia for work (because I was on treatments and had just suffered a pregnancy loss two weeks before this meeting). However - I work at a large corporation with a large HR team that was supportive. She was also already on her way out - and that meeting was the straw that broke the camel's back.

However - if she was still here, I'm sure I'd still be struggling with the same issue. I just pushed myself to go to HR because I couldn't imagine being stuck in a situation where I had a newborn and then was expected to travel across the world because she doesn't understand work/life balance.

I've worked at a smaller company (with only 4 people in office) and I know how it feels when you feel like there's no options since there's no official "HR" dept.

puppyluv13 · October 2016

Oh wow! I can't believe some of the things I'm reading! I work for a large government ran organization (which is also primarily union workers) and everyone here is so tight lipped with those kind of comments in fear of lawsuits! I feel for you ladies that have to deal with that craziness

I've done a little research on this topic and I found that IF is one of those gray areas that isn't covered by anything really. FMLA, ADA, and the PDA are all avenues (if your work qualifies as a covered business) but even then it's iffy. I've looked into all 3 for my work and I was denied coverage under those rules because my IF isn't causing any other health issues (I'm solely looking for excused time for treatments). It's really sad and completely unfair that it's viewed the way it is. We're only trying to do something that is supposed to be natural. We're just going the fancy way about doing it lol. (DH and I describe IF treatments as fancy so we aren't always viewing it as a burden or something negative lol)

JuliaGoolia719 · October 2016

I'm trying to decide how to handle this issue with work. I am a catastrophe adjuster, which means that I travel up to 23 days a month, all over the country depending on what weather is doing. Right now we're still in the testing phase to see what we need to do, so I haven't mentioned anything yet. If we have to do IUI or IVF I'll obviously need to tell my boss because I'm pretty sure working 10-12 hours a day 7 days a week probably a 2 day drive from home isn't going to be the best case scenario for that being super successful....

puppyluv13 · October 2016

@juliagoolia719 I'm curious how that will work too! Wonder if you will have to do some kind of leave of absence? I'm not very familiar with frequency of IVF procedures, but with the IUI I was having to go to my RE at least 4x per month for various exams/testing. Not sure how you will do that if you are traveling around the country?

mini-murph · October 2016

Ugh! America really dropped the ball on fertility and maternity care

@juliagulia38 I hope your work can be lenient with you. A friend's BF is an adjuster and that seems like it's a stressful job. You may get sent to my area if this hurricane hits!

JuliaGoolia719 · October 2016

@lulumurph if Matthew hits like they think it will I'm almost certainly headed to the east coast! I'm enjoying the downtime now at home while I can. The only upside to the work travel part of my job is that we make hazard pay essentially while we're on the road (basically compensation for not having any type of home or social life).

@puppyluv13 When I'm not traveling for work they have us working from home on office claims (supplement requests from contractors, additional payments etc), so I'm sure that I'd get put on that for the time I needed to be home/hopefully knocked up. I'm just not sure when the "right" time is to mention it.....

Elyse1384 · October 2016

@JuliaGoolia719 wow that sounds stressful. One thought if you haven't inquired yet. I traveled a good amount when trying years ago. I spoke with my clinic about my schedule and they were able to coordinate with other IF centers in the areas I was traveling to for any bloodwork and ultrasounds. All I really had to do at my clinic was the IUI or when we moved to IVF, the egg retrieval and transfers. Might be worth a talk with your clinic to see if they can take some of the stress off.

JWatt5 · October 2016

Wow I can't believe how some employers are acting after reading this post!
I'm the HR Manager for my company - I'm in Canada but also deal with our US entities on a fairly regular basis. While I know my rights and I'm well protected I still have a boss with "a more traditional view" on maternity leaves/having children and what that "can do to your career". I also know that if it's felt my work is starting to slip he'll go from supportive boss to the opposite - I've seen it first hand being in the job I'm in.
But I've chosen to tell him and my GM because having the unexplained absences will just weigh on my conscious.

While I can feel them judging me, and having them say well there's nothing we can do about it doesn't really make me feel better, I still feel honesty is the best policy when dealing with something like this at work. I don't go in to the details but they know that I have Endo, I have started Fertility treatments which will cause me to be late or absent at times but i'm still 100% committed to my work and my team. I've recently starting letting some of my team know I have a medical condition I'm working through so a couple projects will have to move a bit slower but I'm still here and healthy.

taradavis0515 · October 2016

My company knows because unfortunately I started her last year and shortly after my start date I had my first miscarriage and then I had to have a D&C and some other appts. It has been a lot. So I decided to just be open about it. It is nice to have the support system here. I am VERY lucky to work for the company that is the leader in Infertility medication (Gonal F and Menopur) so they have to be I guess. I am so sorry you are in that situation!

mini-murph · October 2016

@juliagulia38 how's it going? Are you in FL? We lost power yesterday and it just came back one. We're in Orlando and very lucky that it didn't shift more west. Some friends in Jacksonville and Palm Coast didn't make out so well. One had a tree fall on their house and now they need a new roof. Another had a branch land on their car.

Thinking about you, girl!

Here's an update on the job situation.... I had a lead on a good family run business, but the person they were terminating begged for one more chance. At my job things have gone from bad to worse. I finally got DH on board for me to go to a staffing agency and get out of my current situation. I'm not worrying about FMLA, since I wouldn't go back to work once I had a child. The benefits are absolutely terrible, and I was going to start shopping around for insurance once open enrollment starts (DH works for the police department and it's too expensive to go on his plan). I found a lot of peace once he realized the severity of the situation, and agreed. Now to update the resume!

JuliaGoolia719 · October 2016

@lulumurph I'm still in KC for now, I'm in the training classroom with our new hires this week, I'm thinking that I'll end up in the Carolinas next week if I get sent out for it. There'll be a lot of roof leak claims called in and we'll have to go see if there is actual wind damage to the roofs etc. Thanks for checking on me!

I'm so glad your DH is on the same page as you are with the job situation! It takes a lot of the pressure off once you have a plan you can both agree on!

sasha29-2 · October 2016

Ugh, these horror stories make me thankful for where I work. I'm the assistant director of a small state office, there's only about 6 total employees other than me and my boss, and it's a super family-friendly office with oodles of sick time, plus by the nature of what I do I have a ton of flexibility to make my own schedule and can usually work around whatever treatments/appointments/whatever I need to have going on.

As far as who I've told, I've kept it fairly quiet just because most of my co-workers are tactless, nosy, and opinionated, LOL, but I did tell my boss, who's a guy in his late 50's. Obviously not dirty details, but just that I'm going through fertility treatments and my schedule might get a little weird looking for a while, and also that my mood could be a little wonky sometimes so if I shut my door and hide for a day, that's why (we're usually an open-door office). He's been super supportive and has covered for me a time or two when I needed it.

@LuluMurph Staffing agencies can be great ways to work. It's not ideal as far as benefits and stuff, but I know in my area, I've had a lot of friends who found permanent gigs through staffing agencies. And your DH should definitely try to set up an appointment with his HR department or whoever does their benefits to see if his benefits really would be that expensive; I know it varies wildly place to place, but generally around us one of the perks of public employment in general is cheaper benefits than you can find anywhere else. Good luck!

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