"Due" Date Dread

HowlCircus · July 2016

I was curious if anyone else dealt with due date dread. My due date was supposed to be September 22, 2016. I have a mental countdown going on and I feel like it's a countdown to another emotional breaking point for me. I'm 26 and when I say my news feed is all pregnancy announcements, ultrasounds, and newborns it really is. I'm struggling with the reality that everyone around me is celebrating these adorable little ones and I don't get to have that same feeling.

Has anyone done anything special on their due date to deal with this feeling of dread to make the day a little easier?

Suggestions?

HLD3194 · July 2016

My due date was September 15th. When I think of it coming up I immediately become depressed...I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive the day. I am going to try to prep my friends and family before hand like "Hey I might be a total B the next couple days/weeks so please be patient with me and cut me some slack". Hopefully I can find things to keep my mind busy. Perhaps you can look into getting away or taking a mental health day? Good luck to you!

chloe97 · July 2016

Honestly my 2nd loss was 6 weeks before my 1st due date so by that time I was so beat down with grief and sadness that I was dead set on trying to be as positive as I possibly could be. I ended up making an RE appt for that day. It was a great way to be proactive and feel like I was doing something towards getting my rainbow baby.

I'm not saying I don't have bad days, but if you find a way to focus on anything else- it makes it much easier. I'm 37 and my Facebook feed is still full of babies and announcement because where I live and my social group most people don't start having kids til their early or mid-30s. My next due date is the same day as an important work meeting. Though it's not ideal, it's nice to know I will be distracted that day.

EmilyP524 · July 2016

My due date is 11/27 and I'm already dreading it. We're planning to celebrate our little angel baby every year on his due date and on his birthday. We haven't officially decided yet but I think we'll do a balloon release in November and maybe tie a little note to the balloons. I just worry about being depressed and down all day.

lin0442 · July 2016

My due date was 11/25, Black Friday. I'm sad I probably won't enjoy Thanksgiving that much this year- it's usually my favorite holiday. I'm going to have to go to work on my due date (healthcare job) and it's going to be pretty rough.

@crazypt2285 I think giving friends and family a heads up is a great idea!

HowlCircus · July 2016

@crazypt2285 our due dates were a week apart...sorry that we're both here but it's nice to know we aren't alone. I've already said something to my cousin who's also my close friend like heads up I may need some girl time the day of. I really don't want to be a mess. Maybe I will take a metal health day or two and have a long weekend just in case.

@chloe97 I'm so sorry you had to go through that all at once.That's great that you took steps to reach your goal. I'm hoping you get your rainbow baby!!! Staying busy I think is very important. I find myself focusing on the tragedy of it all I know I need to try and add something positive in my life so that I'll feel like the situation changed my life for the better, Facebook is very hard sometimes but I know as time goes on I'll become stronger.

@emilyp524 It's funny you said that I came across that earlier today for the first time and thought that was such a good idea. I really like you're touch of the note. I think if you feel that it won't bring you down too much you should do it. I may contact one of my photographer friends to capture it for me. I think the best thing you can do is reach out to family if you're worried about feeling down. My close friends are aware I'm dreading the day.

@lin0442 It's hard when things fall on a holiday because it really does feel tainted. We were going to announce on Valentine's Day so when that came around we had made plans to go out so I would have something to look forward too instead. I ended up making him cancel our reservations and stayed in and cried. Maybe work will keep you busy so that you don't focus on it. My counselor suggested that I do something in honor of the baby like a donation to a charity, or volunteer, ect. She knows I like to give back so maybe you could do something like that.

Hopefulmommy1980 · July 2016

I am dreading my due date for my first loss it is 11/3 luckily I think I might be out of state for a work trip so it will hopefully be fun and distraction. We never figured out my second due date. I had an ectopic. I feel bad about that.

EmilyP524 · July 2016

@HowlCircus That's a great idea to contact a photographer! Thanks for sharing.

momma mb · July 2016

With my miscarriage I was due September 10, the same date as my mother-in-law's birthday. I knew I didn't want to be anywhere around a birthday party that day, so I told my husband that we should go on a trip somewhere to get away from everything. We actually ended up going to Italy! So I was in Italy for my due date. I had a really nice moment on that day surrounded by olive trees overlooking Florence. I took a picture, blew it up and I now have it hanging on my wall to remember our (assumed) baby girl.
I actually found that once the due date had gone, there was some relief and less grief. It was like I hit a milestone and was able to move forward in my life.

HowlCircus · July 2016

@Hopefulmommy1980 Being out on a work trip will surely keep you distracted and maybe take yourself out to dinner one night and treat yourself. Also sometimes you don't figure out the due date and that's okay you can always pick a special day of remembrance. Hope you're doing well today!

@EmilyP524 No problem! I think I'm gonna do it and have it framed to have something physical to hold onto.

@momma mb That's amazing it's so nice you were able to afford such a memorable trip. I bet Italy was just stunning! I also love that you have the picture blown up and in your home what a special piece for the both of you! I'm hoping to do something to have somewhat of that turning point for mself so I can move forward and be strong. The constant trigger crying is exhausting mentally and physically at this point.

schmoopie1-2 · July 2016

Truly...I've had to unfollow everyone I know who recently announced their pregnancy or birth. Maybe that's childish? I don't know and I don't care, all I know is the constant reminders made me feel terrible. It helped to unfollow.

Hang in there

HLD3194 · July 2016

@schmoopie1 I did/am doing the same thing. Not seeing the constant reminders helps. I've actually not gone on FB much lately because I'd rather not see something and be upset by it.

HowlCircus · July 2016

I've unfollowed a couple select people who are newly pregnant or have newborns boys. It seems that because we thought we were hving a boy somehow it's harder to see that. I don't think it's childish it's looking out for your own mental health. @Schmoopie1

I wanted to deactivate my account but because I currently have 3 rescue dogs two of which are pretty sick and I'm fundraising for them it's become a necessary evil. I'm hoping to take a break from social media in 6 months that's when their heartworm treatments will hopefully be done. Avoiding it all together is a great idea @crazypt2285

szwill86 · July 2016

@schmoopie1 @crazypt2285 I deactivated FB once I had my miscarriage- it was too much for me to process. Now two months out, I barely miss it and find that it really helped, especially bc there were at least three other people i knew who were due in October.

@howlcircus I hope everything goes ok with your rescues and you get the funds needed!

BrightenMySky · July 2016

So, my due date is coming up in a few weeks. It is also right around my birthday. I was so much looking forward to giving birth to our first child on/around my birthday. I want to minimize birthday stuff this year (I don't like a big fuss in general, though)--I took my birthday off fb and may keep my phone off, we'll see. Although certain people who will want to talk (like grandparents) do not know about the loss, and I feel like I need to keep up appearances.

One question I have is whether you have reminded people about the due date. Obviously DH and I talk about it, and I've mentioned it to my close coworkers that have been very supportive, generally, but others--like my parents--seem totally clueless.

srnj3 · July 2016

@BrightenMySky - My due date would have been in December. It was the date of a family member's birthday and I know she will probably remember that I would have been due that day. I believe our close family members know but I haven't spoken about it with anyone but my husband since our miscarriage. Since it's still months away, I don't know if anyone will bring it up or reach out to us at that time. TTC after our loss is harder than I thought it would be. I'm still very emotional so I only imagine it will be hard once the holidays roll around. I understand this next month will be difficult for you and I completely understand where you are coming from but try not to punish yourself. Enjoy your birthday - hopefully it will be a relaxing day. You deserve it a break.

AL_TwinCities · July 2016

The first time my first's due date came up, I was at work. I thought working would be a good distraction, but I was wrong. It was a really hard day and I wished I had taken the day off to focus on self care and allowing myself time to grieve. The second time that due date came around, we were visiting my parents in another state. I got a massage, we ate a nice meal, and my mom gave me a big hug at the beginning of the day. She didn't have to say it, but I knew she was grieving too for the child that might have been a year old that day.

The due date for my second child was Friday. I took the day off work, and I had a therapy appointment, went out to lunch and bought a cupcake for a treat. After I took a nap, my husband got home and we went to a waterfall nearby with a bouquet of flowers. I wrote a note to our LO and wrapped it around the stem of one of the flowers and tossed it over the falls. As we hiked by the river, I'd periodically toss another flower into the river and watch it float away. It felt like a nice tribute and a way to release our grief.

In the future I never plan on working either of those days again.

BrightenMySky · July 2016

@AL_TwinCities that is beautiful, thank you for sharing.

keikidreams · August 2016

I had planned to plant a tree and release balloons on my due date of my first baby - a boy lost at 13 weeks. A few months after the loss, I conceived again and was going to be 20 weeks on his due date. It felt bittersweet, but I felt it was a sign. We lost that baby due to a CP. A few months later, we were pregnant again and I felt strong. I cried for my son, but I still believed it was some crazy, beautiful sign as we would be exactly 12 weeks on his due date. We lost that baby due to a MMC and I spent the day drunk and bleeding from the loss. Not my finest moment and not what I had initially planned. Yet, still, I'm standing here feeling hopeful and trusting my body will heal. I will plant three trees now instead. I'd like to think my son is watching over me, even though it's heartbreaking that he can't be in my arms and looking up at me instead.

HowlCircus · August 2016

@AL_TwinCities thank you so much for sharing it gave me the courage I needed to ask my sister to take the day off from work and have a girls self-care day with me. I kind of knew I didn't want to be alone but I don't ever like to feel like a "burden" to other people but I know she doesn't look at it that way. I tend to feel guilty for being sad all the time. I'm hoping setting aside that day for a balloon release with photos and some good self care will help me deal with the pain.

@keikidreams I'm so sorry for your losses but thanks for opening up. It's nice to hear some of the messier stories people have because it makes me feel like I'm not alone in having some "not my finest moment"s. Some days we all handle it better than other but I feel as though breakdowns are inevitable at some point. I was drinking the other week and spilled the whole miscarriage and SO split with an old friend I ran into when she asked what happened. Drunk over-sharing and venting somehow made me feel better that evening. It made me feel like I didn't have to lie or fake it. There's something so liberating about sharing. As for the looking up I do that as well. I find it comforting to look up and smile sometimes and just know that he's around. The tree idea is so beautiful. It's lovely to see something grow, stand tall, and be lovely despite the pain that lead you to that moment. Sending my love your way xo.

shellmill85 · August 2016

Our due date was on our wedding anniversary, we kept it very private and had a nice night out and took a quiet weekend. I'm 31 and it was our first pregnancy. It was hard for me. I've learned that you have to put yourself first and do, or don't do things that trigger your emotions if it's not something you feel like dealing with in those moments. We're coming up on the yr make of my miscarriage and still no luck TTC. I wish you best of luck and hugs

iceandsnowflakes29 · August 2016

I have due dates in July, August, September, October and March. The July and August ones were the year before last. September, October, and March are all from the 3 recent losses.

October I will be FL on vacation. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing but, we are going with other people and I wasn't able to cherry pick the dates.

March is going to suck. I don't even know how to get through that. My due date, a loss anniversary, and my deceased father's birthday are all very close together in March and it will be a triple trigger.

I've looked at loss jewelry to memorialize the losses but everything I see is for a single loss. Like, 1 birth stone, maybe 2 and I need 5. A depressing dilemma.

Aera11 · August 2016

I'm so sorry @iceandsnowflakes29 . It's hard. My second due date was 7/31 and it was difficult, so I feel for you and can't imagine what 5 are like. Have you tried etsy? Maybe someone can custom make one with all the stones you'd like.

amwangel · August 2016

I really enjoyed reading these responses. My due date from my most recent loss of a 22 week old girl will be Sept 2 and I'm dreading it so much. I never commemorated my other 2 losses, but this one I will be. It's just so hard as it approaches. I'm so sad.

fiorip · August 2016

I completely relate with all of you, I just dealt with the one year anniversary of my 2nd loss, my beautiful boy who arrived august 3rd a few weeks to early to make it. My other sons due date is September 19th and as it gets closer I feel more and more frustrated; but the due date I dread most is from my 2nd loss, he was supposed to arrive on December 19th, 2015. I'm 29 and will be 30 on December 26th, he was my bday and Christmas gift, now the holidays have a sour taste for me, I can help thinking that we would have been celebrating his first bday this year, instead is a reminder that I'll be 30 and childless. Also everyone around me is either having babies or just had a baby, many of my closest friends are pregnant which is why I've unfollowed anyone who's pregnant from fb.

HowlCircus · August 2016

@shellmill85 so sorry to hear that well I'm routing for you guys! Hoping for a rainbow baby for you. That was nice you two were able to get away for a bit. Maybe make it a little tradition if possible. Thank you for the well wishes.

@iceandsnowflakes29 that's so tough I'm very sorry

my mother was always a fan of planting plants or trees to commemorate something. Maybe you can plant a little trio or something along those lines. As for the jewelry @amwangel
that's what I was thinking...etsy. I did some hunting so you don't have to I know sometimes that can be painful in and of itself. This may be a TW too because these weren't specific to miscarriages but do have options for 5 stones. It's all about the meaning to you and I know having jewelry would be special for me and I'm sure for you. Much love.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/89844992/birthstone-necklace-in-gold-up-to-5?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=5 birthstones&ref=sc_gallery_1&plkey=dd84d0e80e5d5d840b55dc3ac06a707ca0a1ef10:89844992

https://www.etsy.com/listing/272040610/mothers-birthstone-necklace-1-8-crystals?ref=related-5

https://www.etsy.com/listing/58876702/mothers-necklace-grandmother-necklace?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=5 birthstones&ref=sc_gallery_1&plkey=8aa356b4d6b3ae1e896230aed72b38343b21ab5a:58876702

@fiorip I'm sorry that the holidays have a sour taste for you. I know the holidays can be hard enough as is without the added triggers. My sister and I are very close and I'm close with her friends as well. Her best friend's due date was a week after mine and we would be both having boys I believe. For me I may need to unfollow her as the day comes closer I don't know if I can handle seeing it. I know my counselor is encouraging me to take on and face what hurts. She wants me to try and make the due date one of self care and positivity rather than allowing myself to sob and wallow as I often due. Maybe you can find something that used to or still brings you a little joy and do that to honor your baby in a joyful way. I'm trying to stay strong. I want him to see positive things if he looks down rather than utter sadness and defeat that I some days feel. Every day is a new struggle and optimism is what I'm trying so very hard to obtain. We'll make it through our due dates with hopefully help from our family and friends. Much love xo.

HowlCircus · September 2016

@HLD3194 just wanted to check in and see how you were holding up. I was thinking of you this and last week.

Hope everyone one else is doing well too xo

Mack2342 · September 2016

Our due date is in March. I already bought a memorial stone and put in our flower bed. DH and I found a place in garden one evening and had a private moment to mourn. On the due date I plan to plant a tree or flower (haven't decided which) but that way I have a place to visit my angel whenever I choose.

Hopefulmommy1980 · September 2016

I have found my due date dread is growing the closer I get to it. November 3 was my due date. I was really hoping I would be pregnant again by then, but that won't happen at this point bc we are benched from our second loss. Not that a new baby would replace the ones we lost. I will be at work conference in Orlando that day so I am hoping to stay busy that day.

justsuzie · September 2016

I can't even imagine how this must feel. I did not know my due date because I was only 7 weeks along and hadn't seen a doctor yet. Thoughts and prayers to all of you.

slsmith5801 · September 2016

@justsuzie Same happened for me. But when I went back for my follow up, the nurse had 11/04/16 written down as my due date. I surround myself with friends and family, so I'm sure I'll be okay.

carterh33 · October 2016

Now that today is October first and my EDD was 10/28 due date dread wasn't something I was expecting this month but I think I'm feeling it already. I had our second loss September 2nd (I'm not sure of EDD for that pregnancy) so that makes it harder too. I have some blood work next week so hopefully I'll get off the bench soon. DH and I are having a mini vacation in a few weeks, but we don't have any plans for the EDD. I'm sorry we all have to go through this.

artemis618 · October 2016

I just got here today (was 11w5d) - so I've got a while, but not looking forward to this. EDD was DH's birthday (and oddly, his mother and I share the same birthday).

justsuzie · October 2016

My best friend just told me she was pregnant and her due date is the same month mine was supposed to be. I am happy for her, but at the same time, sad for myself.

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