Telling everyone we've stopped trying (From child loss to childless)

hoarnold · September 2016

Ugh I can't deal with one more close friend telling me that surprise! they are pregnant. Good for you.

Getting pregnant the first time only took about 8 months, it was everything that happened after that, that has sent my life into a tailspin of devastation and anger. Everything was going smoothly for the first few months of the pregnancy, no strong symptoms except minimal appetite. When the doctor mentioned it was time for genetic screening at 14 weeks, I didn't want to do it, but my husband did. Add in the next 4 weeks of misery waiting for news. When the news was delivered to us that our baby boy may have downs, I was still optimistic. We could handle that as a couple, it's well known and there are tons of support and resources for raising babies with downs. But then the full chromosome panel came back and they said Trisomy 5P. Never heard of it? Yeah, me either. There aren't many cases of survival for Trisomy 5P so there was little chance that our baby would survive, let alone have a quality life without constant medical care.

What were our next options? Apparently, fetuses with Tri can carry on like normal pregnancies so our decision was to either carry on the pregnancy and plan to bury our baby post delivery (with so much more grief involved) or send him to heaven now free of pain. I'm pro-choice and I can argue anyone to eternity about why I am because I HAVE LIVED THROUGH THIS!! It was the saddest day of my life losing my son. The Internet didn't know about my pregnancy so it was much easier to tell those closer to me but more judgy that we had just miscarried.

2 months and my first period later, we got the ok to start trying again. Let me tell you something, getting pregnant will NEVER be the same when you lose your first baby. The joyful bliss is tarnished by every supplement, fertility monitoring device, pee stick, app, cramp, sick feeling, overreading the Internet, doctor visit you can think of! And every next person telling you they are pregnant. I HATE when Aunt Flo comes, my pity parties last for days and I HATE EVERYONE.

16 months later...We've started down the path of infertility treatment but it's exhausting and the dr's office is so insensitive to what you are going through! AND the cost! Not everyone is blessed with company paid insurance so go sprinkle your joy about that somewhere else!

AND DON'T TELL ME TO RELAX! I've yoga-d, meditated, acupunctured and all the above.

So we are throwing in the towel. Every person that tells me they are pregnant gets a monotone "good for you" and every person that asks me that so invasive question of when are we going to have a baby gets a "we aren't." PLAIN and SIMPLE

Now, it's time to plan the rest of my life.

My one question I ponder on often though is...will I ever be happy again for those that conceive? Will I ever be able to move on wholly with my decision to not start a family? Will I ever not be the grumpy B that doesn't go to baby showers?

So broken.

BornReady · September 2016

I'm so sorry for everything you have been through in your infertility journey. I have no wisdom or advice, but I wasn't sure if you've ever read the blog Ever Upward. It is written by a woman who after loss and fertility treatment has decided on a child free life with her husband.

Wishing you you well moving forward.

https://everupward.org/why-ever-upward/

capps42613 · September 2016

@hoarnold No judgement here. My heart truly aches for you after all you've been through. I hope you learn to find comfort and happiness soon.

FatPony · September 2016

Im so sorry for your loss. I've unfortunately heard of the trisomy bc my close friend terminated her pregnancy due to the same thing. I completely agree with you on the pro choice thing. To deliver a baby that you know is going to die? I just couldn't do it and can't imagine someone being forced to against their will. It's an unimaginably terrible situation.

Again, I'm so sorry and hope you and your partner find peace.

katymarie101 · September 2016

I'm sorry for your loss. I just hope that you two find piece, and happiness soon.

Esperer · September 2016

Sending virtual hugs to you @hoarnold - I am so sorry for all you've been through.

LizzieJ13 · September 2016

Sorry for your loss @hoarnold. I'm also afraid I'm going to be bitter about this forever. Have you considered a therapist to help you through? I'm beginning to look into that.

KirstenCas · September 2016

I'm almost in the same spot, one more try and that's it for me. I just can't anymore. I wonder if I'll ever be able to talk about it without crying. I wonder if I'll ever want to hang out with my friends with kids since that's all they talk about. When will I stop noticing that every thing seem to revolve around children and families. What happens when you will never know what everyone else describes as the 'greatest thing that ever happened' to them.
im sorry for you and me and everyone like us.

Jsmorrissey · October 2016

@hoarnold - Oh My! I am so sorry for everything you have been through. You made the right decision for you and DH!!! reading your story brought tears to my eyes and I sympathize with you so much!!! I am however, so happy I read this.

I am am in a similar situation/feeling right now. **TW**I got pregnant naturally in Feb of 2015 and MC in April 2015. It was so not fun, but I figured so many women MC and are able to get PG again without issue. Ya, I'm not the girl. We are completely OOP as well. I had 3 failed IUI's and just had a BFN from our only IVF treatment and I am devastated (nothing left to freeze). Unless someone has experienced IF, I am having a really hard time with people who get pregnant so easily (who haven't struggled with IF). Like you said, don't tell me to "relax", don't tell me "lots of people my age are getting pregnant", "It'll happen, don't worry!" I want to smack them in the face!!!!! hahahaha~~~ I don't know if I'll be happy for those people who don't struggle the way us ladies have struggled.

Most of my friends all got PG without issue and apparently, unless you have kids as well, we don't have anything in common. I too, am participating in the pity party and I really don't care right now and nor should you. It's hard!!!! Everyone reacts differently and that is ok!!!!

Hugs!!!!

oxinfree · October 2016

@hoarnold
This is just such a relatable post. This journey is so so hard, and unless they've walked a mile in our shoes, they can't have a clue what it feels like, try as they might.

I'm so sorry you're struggling, and so sorry you're having to have these hard conversations. Overall I'm not sure how long you've been ttc but we're about 5 years in and being happy for others has gotten a bit easier for me. Every person is different though. I actively work at it every day. I use gratitude in my own life to try and encourage me to see that I'm more than my infertility. It's not easy though.

I just wanted to stop in and say I understand, I empathize, and I truly hope you can find peace and happiness.

puppyluv13 · October 2016

So sorry for all you've been through... Hugs

...

tkedwards13 · October 2016

I know sorry doesn't help, but I am sorry. I just wanted to tell you thank you for posting this. I am going through pretty much the same thing, but my baby would have killed me if I let it go longer. This was a year and a half ago. We still can't get pregnant. I wish you the best and I hope that you get some peace. I am not sure how this site thing works, but I am here if you need to vent.

lilmissslp · October 2016

@tkedwards13 if you don't mind me asking, was it ectopic? You said your baby would have killed you so I wondered if it was ectopic. I just had an ectopic pregnancy

tkedwards13 · October 2016

Yes, it was. I didn't know because the "usual signs" didn't happen with it. My levels were too low. I got pregnant right after going off of BC, thought I finally got my first period. It wasn't, I ruptured and was bleeding internally. Luckily my husband forced me to go in after three weeks (no, I am not very smart.) I was about three months in.

Polythene Pam · October 2016

Sending hugs and love. It's such a shitty boat to be in. I would've done the same thing with your pregnancy. My parents struggled for 9 years to get pregnant but adopted both my sisters along the way. If IVF doesn't work for us I'd like to say I'll adopt but that also seems expensive and overwhelming.. it's just shitty. I agree with another comment, fertility therapists exist, I spoke to a grief counselor after my mom passed away and it's not perfect but helps find peace. Vent here anytime.

lilmissslp · October 2016

Wow @tkedwards13 I can't believe you went that long. I'm glad you're ok. I only had some bleeding which my RE assured me was normal. My hcg got up to 23,000. I had surgery and one mtx shot and my numbers still aren't going down. I'm still struggling emotionally.

jodes727 · October 2016

@lilmissslp I'm so sorry to hear your numbers aren't going down yet. I unfortunately have had 2 ectopic pregnancies and waiting for the beta to go down was excruciating. I was further along with my first one, and it took 2+ months after mtx, super a difficult time. Please take care of yourself!

lilmissslp · October 2016

Thanks @jodes727. I have a feeling it's going to be a long road. I can't believe it took that long for yours to come down. I'm so sorry you had to go through that twice. I know the chances for a second one are much higher...that's my biggest fear.

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