Getting your husband/significant other on board — The Bump
Adoption

Getting your husband/significant other on board

Hello,

I know this board is kind of dead, but I'm hoping I can get some advice on this. Has anyone had any trouble getting their husband or significant other to look into adoption? My husband is really hung up on having a biological child and also is worried that if we adopt and then have a biological child later, he won't love the adopted child as much. We know families who have bio and adopted children and they clearly love all their children the same, so I don't know where he is getting this idea or what to do about it. Any suggestions?

Extra info, I guess: We have been actively TTC for over a year with no luck (I'm a regular over on the TTGP board). I don't want to go through intense infertility treatments and I would like to adopt even if we can have kids, so that's why I'm wanting to look into adoption rather than ART.
Me: 27   H: 26
Foster Care process
Licensed: June 2017
FS 1 placed with us: January 2018
FS 2 placed with us: March 2019
BusinessWife

Re: Getting your husband/significant other on board

  • Hello,

    I know this board is kind of dead, but I'm hoping I can get some advice on this. Has anyone had any trouble getting their husband or significant other to look into adoption? My husband is really hung up on having a biological child and also is worried that if we adopt and then have a biological child later, he won't love the adopted child as much. We know families who have bio and adopted children and they clearly love all their children the same, so I don't know where he is getting this idea or what to do about it. Any suggestions?

    Extra info, I guess: We have been actively TTC for over a year with no luck (I'm a regular over on the TTGP board). I don't want to go through intense infertility treatments and I would like to adopt even if we can have kids, so that's why I'm wanting to look into adoption rather than ART.
    @britters314

    There's really no way to get them on board other than talking to them about it. Ask him why he feels that way (see bolded) and really listen to his response. Also, I am sure some of the families you mentioned who have both adopted and biological children have felt that way before / had those same thoughts as well. Have you considered having an open and honest conversation with them? They may be able to provide some more insight since they've gone through the process before.
    Me:28 | DH: 28
    Married: 07-2014
    TTC #1: Since November 2015
    Restarted TTC "count" Oct. 2016
         due to previous issues.
    ***TW***
    BFP: 11/4/2016
    *TW*
     BabyFruit Ticker


    BusinessWife
  • @SaphireSweetie88  Thanks for the response. Unfortunately H and I have talked and he doesn't even understand why he feels this way. And the families we know don't live nearby and are my parents' friends, so he's not super close to them and I can't ever see him reaching out and asking them about it :-/
    Me: 27   H: 26
    Foster Care process
    Licensed: June 2017
    FS 1 placed with us: January 2018
    FS 2 placed with us: March 2019
    SaphireSweetie88
  • @SaphireSweetie88  Thanks for the response. Unfortunately H and I have talked and he doesn't even understand why he feels this way. And the families we know don't live nearby and are my parents' friends, so he's not super close to them and I can't ever see him reaching out and asking them about it :-/
    @britters314

    Hmmm. Are you closer to these families? Would you be able to talk to them? What about a church or some other community like that in your area that might have families that have both? Also, it couldn't hurt to sit down with someone at an adoption agency for an information only visit. I'm sure they've had numerous of couples with those concerns come in and they may be a valuable resource for you and your husband as well
    Me:28 | DH: 28
    Married: 07-2014
    TTC #1: Since November 2015
    Restarted TTC "count" Oct. 2016
         due to previous issues.
    ***TW***
    BFP: 11/4/2016
    *TW*
     BabyFruit Ticker


    BusinessWife
  • @britters314 , This was a bit of a battle with my husband too. It took a really long time (and even now he sometimes gets panicky), but I just talked to him a lot about it. We talked to other people who are/have adopted. We got to meetings and meet-ups (the state here has foster "fairs") and generally just make it less of a big deal and more a "normal" thing. My DH couldn't pin point his anxiety either, but I honestly think it's because he just didn't know anythign and it was opening this big huge thing he didn't want to learn about. The more we learn about it, the more comfortable he is. 
    TTC #1 since September 2014
    Diagnoses: RPL, Endometriosis, MFI (count, morph, DNI, DNAS, multiple bilateral subclinical varicoceles), low progesterone
    Check out my Infertility blog 
    Check out my Infertility Instagram

    Loss History (TW):
    BFP: 3 May 2015, loss confirmed 4 June 2015
    BFP: 15 August 2015, loss confirmed 23 August 2015
    BFP: 16 November 2015, loss confirmed 22 November 2015
    BFP: 18 July 2016, loss confirmed same day
    BFP: 04 March 2018, loss confirmed 23 March 2018
    BFP: 12 June 2018, TWINS; D&C 06 July 2018
    TTC History (TW):
    3 losses in 2015
    Met with OBGYN in January 2016
    Me: all clear, H: OAT
    November 2016: HSG = All Clear!
    January 2017: H tested again,  High DNA fragmentation and stainability
    February 2017: Clomid + TI + Progesterone = BFN
    March 2017: Clomid + HCG + IUI + Progesterone = SA/wash: zero count on attempt #1, <1,000 on attempt #2= BFN
    Varicocele Embolization- 5 May 17
    December 2017 SA: Zero improvement after embolization
    January IVF- 25 retrieved, 11 mature, 8 fertilized, 3 frozen day fives (3AA, 3AA, 3AA), 1 frozen day 6 (5BB), 1 frozen day 7 (3CC)
    Three PGS normal (3AA, 3AA, 5BB), one inconclusive (3AA)
    FET #1: 27 February 2018, 3AA & 5BB, one stuck! BFP 04 March 2018.... Loss confirmed 23 March 2018
    May 2018: SHG/SIS = all clear "beautiful uterus"
    FET #2: 04 June 2018, 3AA PGS normal embryo, 3AA PGS hatching inconclusive embryo. 
    BFP: 12 June 2018, EDD 20 February 2019
    Ultrasound, 25 June 2018: There are two
    Lost Baby A 02 July 2018
    Baby B not growing, D&C 06 July 2018
    Laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, chromotubation: 23 July 2018: blocked right tube, heavily inflamed, covered in endo. Removed right tube. Removed more endo from uterus, tubes, ovaries. Endo remains on bladder and bowel. 
    Next Up:
    TTC Naturally, possibly IUIs for remainder of 2018. 
    ER#2 ~Jan 2019
            

    BusinessWifebritters314
  • Thanks for both of those responses (and sorry I didn't respond earlier)! I think H would be open to going to an event to just learn more about it, like you both suggested. I did some digging and my state has informational meetings for foster care, so that's probably where we'll have to start. Thanks again!
    Me: 27   H: 26
    Foster Care process
    Licensed: June 2017
    FS 1 placed with us: January 2018
    FS 2 placed with us: March 2019
    SaphireSweetie88KristoKekerooni
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards