Getting your husband/significant other on board

britters314 · September 2016

Hello,

I know this board is kind of dead, but I'm hoping I can get some advice on this. Has anyone had any trouble getting their husband or significant other to look into adoption? My husband is really hung up on having a biological child and also is worried that if we adopt and then have a biological child later, he won't love the adopted child as much. We know families who have bio and adopted children and they clearly love all their children the same, so I don't know where he is getting this idea or what to do about it. Any suggestions?

Extra info, I guess: We have been actively TTC for over a year with no luck (I'm a regular over on the TTGP board). I don't want to go through intense infertility treatments and I would like to adopt even if we can have kids, so that's why I'm wanting to look into adoption rather than ART.

SaphireSweetie88 · September 2016

britters314 said:

Hello,

I know this board is kind of dead, but I'm hoping I can get some advice on this. Has anyone had any trouble getting their husband or significant other to look into adoption? My husband is really hung up on having a biological child and also is worried that if we adopt and then have a biological child later, he won't love the adopted child as much. We know families who have bio and adopted children and they clearly love all their children the same, so I don't know where he is getting this idea or what to do about it. Any suggestions?

Extra info, I guess: We have been actively TTC for over a year with no luck (I'm a regular over on the TTGP board). I don't want to go through intense infertility treatments and I would like to adopt even if we can have kids, so that's why I'm wanting to look into adoption rather than ART.

@britters314

There's really no way to get them on board other than talking to them about it. Ask him why he feels that way (see bolded) and really listen to his response. Also, I am sure some of the families you mentioned who have both adopted and biological children have felt that way before / had those same thoughts as well. Have you considered having an open and honest conversation with them? They may be able to provide some more insight since they've gone through the process before.

britters314 · September 2016

@SaphireSweetie88 Thanks for the response. Unfortunately H and I have talked and he doesn't even understand why he feels this way. And the families we know don't live nearby and are my parents' friends, so he's not super close to them and I can't ever see him reaching out and asking them about it :-/

SaphireSweetie88 · September 2016

britters314 said:

@SaphireSweetie88 Thanks for the response. Unfortunately H and I have talked and he doesn't even understand why he feels this way. And the families we know don't live nearby and are my parents' friends, so he's not super close to them and I can't ever see him reaching out and asking them about it :-/

@britters314

Hmmm. Are you closer to these families? Would you be able to talk to them? What about a church or some other community like that in your area that might have families that have both? Also, it couldn't hurt to sit down with someone at an adoption agency for an information only visit. I'm sure they've had numerous of couples with those concerns come in and they may be a valuable resource for you and your husband as well

KristoKekerooni · October 2016

@britters314 , This was a bit of a battle with my husband too. It took a really long time (and even now he sometimes gets panicky), but I just talked to him a lot about it. We talked to other people who are/have adopted. We got to meetings and meet-ups (the state here has foster "fairs") and generally just make it less of a big deal and more a "normal" thing. My DH couldn't pin point his anxiety either, but I honestly think it's because he just didn't know anythign and it was opening this big huge thing he didn't want to learn about. The more we learn about it, the more comfortable he is.

britters314 · October 2016

Thanks for both of those responses (and sorry I didn't respond earlier)! I think H would be open to going to an event to just learn more about it, like you both suggested. I did some digging and my state has informational meetings for foster care, so that's probably where we'll have to start. Thanks again!

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