I know this board is kind of dead, but I'm hoping I can get some advice on this. Has anyone had any trouble getting their husband or significant other to look into adoption? My husband is really hung up on having a biological child and also is worried that if we adopt and then have a biological child later, he won't love the adopted child as much. We know families who have bio and adopted children and they clearly love all their children the same, so I don't know where he is getting this idea or what to do about it. Any suggestions?
Extra info, I guess: We have been actively TTC for over a year with no luck (I'm a regular over on the TTGP board). I don't want to go through intense infertility treatments and I would like to adopt even if we can have kids, so that's why I'm wanting to look into adoption rather than ART.
I know this board is kind of dead, but I'm hoping I can get some advice on this. Has anyone had any trouble getting their husband or significant other to look into adoption? My husband is really hung up on having a biological child and also is worried that if we adopt and then have a biological child later, he won't love the adopted child as much. We know families who have bio and adopted children and they clearly love all their children the same, so I don't know where he is getting this idea or what to do about it. Any suggestions?
Extra info, I guess: We have been actively TTC for over a year with no luck (I'm a regular over on the TTGP board). I don't want to go through intense infertility treatments and I would like to adopt even if we can have kids, so that's why I'm wanting to look into adoption rather than ART.
There's really no way to get them on board other than talking to them about it. Ask him why he feels that way (see bolded) and really listen to his response. Also, I am sure some of the families you mentioned who have both adopted and biological children have felt that way before / had those same thoughts as well. Have you considered having an open and honest conversation with them? They may be able to provide some more insight since they've gone through the process before.
Me:28 | DH: 28 Married: 07-2014 TTC #1: Since November 2015 Restarted TTC "count" Oct. 2016 due to previous issues. ***TW*** BFP: 11/4/2016 *TW*
@SaphireSweetie88 Thanks for the response. Unfortunately H and I have talked and he doesn't even understand why he feels this way. And the families we know don't live nearby and are my parents' friends, so he's not super close to them and I can't ever see him reaching out and asking them about it :-/
@SaphireSweetie88 Thanks for the response. Unfortunately H and I have talked and he doesn't even understand why he feels this way. And the families we know don't live nearby and are my parents' friends, so he's not super close to them and I can't ever see him reaching out and asking them about it :-/
Hmmm. Are you closer to these families? Would you be able to talk to them? What about a church or some other community like that in your area that might have families that have both? Also, it couldn't hurt to sit down with someone at an adoption agency for an information only visit. I'm sure they've had numerous of couples with those concerns come in and they may be a valuable resource for you and your husband as well
Me:28 | DH: 28 Married: 07-2014 TTC #1: Since November 2015 Restarted TTC "count" Oct. 2016 due to previous issues. ***TW*** BFP: 11/4/2016 *TW*
@britters314 , This was a bit of a battle with my husband too. It took a really long time (and even now he sometimes gets panicky), but I just talked to him a lot about it. We talked to other people who are/have adopted. We got to meetings and meet-ups (the state here has foster "fairs") and generally just make it less of a big deal and more a "normal" thing. My DH couldn't pin point his anxiety either, but I honestly think it's because he just didn't know anythign and it was opening this big huge thing he didn't want to learn about. The more we learn about it, the more comfortable he is.
TTC #1 since September 2014 Diagnoses: RPL, Endometriosis, MFI
(count, morph, DNI, DNAS, multiple bilateral subclinical varicoceles), low
progesterone Check out my Infertility blog Check out my Infertility Instagram
Loss History (TW):
BFP: 3 May 2015, loss confirmed 4 June 2015 BFP: 15 August 2015, loss confirmed 23 August 2015 BFP: 16 November 2015, loss confirmed 22 November 2015 BFP: 18 July 2016, loss confirmed same day BFP: 04 March 2018, loss confirmed 23 March 2018 BFP: 12 June 2018, TWINS; D&C 06 July 2018
TTC History (TW):
3 losses in 2015 Met with OBGYN in January 2016 Me: all clear, H: OAT November 2016: HSG = All
Clear!
January 2017: H tested again, High DNA fragmentation and stainability
February 2017: Clomid + TI + Progesterone = BFN
March 2017: Clomid + HCG + IUI + Progesterone = SA/wash: zero count on attempt
#1, <1,000 on attempt #2= BFN
Varicocele Embolization- 5 May 17 December 2017 SA: Zero improvement after embolization January IVF- 25 retrieved, 11 mature, 8 fertilized, 3 frozen day fives (3AA, 3AA, 3AA), 1 frozen day 6 (5BB), 1 frozen day 7 (3CC) Three PGS normal (3AA, 3AA, 5BB), one inconclusive (3AA) FET #1: 27 February 2018, 3AA & 5BB, one stuck! BFP 04 March 2018.... Loss confirmed 23 March 2018 May 2018: SHG/SIS = all clear "beautiful uterus" FET #2: 04 June 2018, 3AA PGS normal embryo, 3AA PGS hatching inconclusive embryo. BFP: 12 June 2018, EDD 20 February 2019 Ultrasound, 25 June 2018: There are two! Lost Baby A 02 July 2018 Baby B not growing, D&C 06 July 2018 Laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, chromotubation: 23 July 2018: blocked right tube, heavily inflamed, covered in endo. Removed right tube. Removed more endo from uterus, tubes, ovaries. Endo remains on bladder and bowel.
Next Up:
TTC Naturally, possibly IUIs for remainder of 2018. ER#2 ~Jan 2019
Thanks for both of those responses (and sorry I didn't respond earlier)! I think H would be open to going to an event to just learn more about it, like you both suggested. I did some digging and my state has informational meetings for foster care, so that's probably where we'll have to start. Thanks again!
Re: Getting your husband/significant other on board
There's really no way to get them on board other than talking to them about it. Ask him why he feels that way (see bolded) and really listen to his response. Also, I am sure some of the families you mentioned who have both adopted and biological children have felt that way before / had those same thoughts as well. Have you considered having an open and honest conversation with them? They may be able to provide some more insight since they've gone through the process before.
Married: 07-2014
TTC #1: Since November 2015
Restarted TTC "count" Oct. 2016
due to previous issues.
***TW***
BFP: 11/4/2016
*TW*
Hmmm. Are you closer to these families? Would you be able to talk to them? What about a church or some other community like that in your area that might have families that have both? Also, it couldn't hurt to sit down with someone at an adoption agency for an information only visit. I'm sure they've had numerous of couples with those concerns come in and they may be a valuable resource for you and your husband as well
Married: 07-2014
TTC #1: Since November 2015
Restarted TTC "count" Oct. 2016
due to previous issues.
***TW***
BFP: 11/4/2016
*TW*
Diagnoses: RPL, Endometriosis, MFI (count, morph, DNI, DNAS, multiple bilateral subclinical varicoceles), low progesterone
Check out my Infertility blog
Check out my Infertility Instagram
BFP: 15 August 2015, loss confirmed 23 August 2015
BFP: 16 November 2015, loss confirmed 22 November 2015
BFP: 18 July 2016, loss confirmed same day
BFP: 04 March 2018, loss confirmed 23 March 2018
BFP: 12 June 2018, TWINS; D&C 06 July 2018
Met with OBGYN in January 2016
Me: all clear, H: OAT
November 2016: HSG = All Clear!
January 2017: H tested again, High DNA fragmentation and stainability
February 2017: Clomid + TI + Progesterone = BFN
March 2017: Clomid + HCG + IUI + Progesterone = SA/wash: zero count on attempt #1, <1,000 on attempt #2= BFN
Varicocele Embolization- 5 May 17
December 2017 SA: Zero improvement after embolization
January IVF- 25 retrieved, 11 mature, 8 fertilized, 3 frozen day fives (3AA, 3AA, 3AA), 1 frozen day 6 (5BB), 1 frozen day 7 (3CC)
Three PGS normal (3AA, 3AA, 5BB), one inconclusive (3AA)
FET #1: 27 February 2018, 3AA & 5BB, one stuck! BFP 04 March 2018.... Loss confirmed 23 March 2018
May 2018: SHG/SIS = all clear "beautiful uterus"
FET #2: 04 June 2018, 3AA PGS normal embryo, 3AA PGS hatching inconclusive embryo.
BFP: 12 June 2018, EDD 20 February 2019
Ultrasound, 25 June 2018: There are two!
Lost Baby A 02 July 2018
Baby B not growing, D&C 06 July 2018
Laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, chromotubation: 23 July 2018: blocked right tube, heavily inflamed, covered in endo. Removed right tube. Removed more endo from uterus, tubes, ovaries. Endo remains on bladder and bowel.
ER#2 ~Jan 2019