Fi won't talk about his feelings — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Fi won't talk about his feelings

So we lost our little one at the end of January and FI won't discuss it. I know that he struggles and it hurts his heart but won't ever start the conversation, if I bring it up he'll say something but he doesn't want to discuss it at all. I've said that I feel alone and I don't push the conversation but I feel like it's important for us to discuss this to move on, especially as I want another baby so badly but I don't know how go bring it up around him anymore.

What's brought this most recently up Is that one of his friends has just had a baby, this is the first out of any of our immediate group to have a baby and I know that it's affecting him. He thought he saw them in the shops and freaked out then walked to the other end of the store, I know that he's hurting and I don't want to make it worse for him but I feel like he's just ignoring it all and it's all going to catch up with him. 

Does anyone have any advice or a similar situation?

Re: Fi won't talk about his feelings

  • That's tough. I know my husband and I experienced the loss differently as well. Is there a guy friend he could talk to about it? Sometimes my husband wouldn't want to talk about it with me because it would make him too emotional and he didn't want to get too emotional so he could support me. 
  • My husband didn't want to really talk about it either. Are you guys trying now? That kind of helped to distract him. I have no suggestions though, I'm sorry your husband is hurting so much.

    Me: 27 years old            DH: 27 years old
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  • after our m/c my husband and I talked about whether we wanted to try again or not. 

    I am guessing I am older than you (?). we don't have tons of time to make these decisions. 

    our conversation was more about our life we are building together. where do we see ourselves in a year, two, five and ten? do we see ourselves with a baby or doing something different? deciding our goal and trying to meet it. 

    we were TTC when I got PG and m/c between week 6 and 7. so we had initially made the decision to TTC. the question was just do we want to try again in light of the events. we decided to. if I had m/c again I don't know that we would have tried again after that. 

    I wouldnt push him to talk about the m/c if he doesn't want to  (jmo). but you guys are engaged and presumably planning a life together. I think it's fair to ask him what his vision is for your lives together and share your vision. make some goals and timelines and work toward the goals. goals could be wedding planning/date, careers/education, moving, buying a home, planning a vacation, saving/financial, as well as family planning. they all tie together. 

    I hope you guys are able to come up with a plan you can both be excited about. 

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  • HowlCircusHowlCircus member
    edited September 2016
    Hey there I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. My SO and I suffered a loss at the end of January as well. My SO really shut down didn't want to talk about it at all, didn't want to try again, and couldn't even look at me honestly. I believe it had to do with the fact that I was an emotional train wreck. I was nonstop sobbing for months. He just couldn't handle the situation. At first he pretended it didn't happen and blocked it out. Then once he accepted it did he never wanted to talk about it. I pushed him over and over to try and get him to open up. I truly wanted him to share his feelings with me. I was desperate to not feel alone. I poked and poked begging him to share what he was going through. Some days he would leave the room or the house because I'd ask him questions and he'd say "I told you I don't wanna talk". Eventually we separated and he left the house. I know now that I should have been more respectful of his emotional space he was needing. The advice I have to you is don't push. He will come around and talk when he's ready but not until then. My So and I still are in communication and he came to me this week admitting he was feeling down, awful, and sad (our due date is tomorrow). He finally admitted to struggling emotionally. He only has opened up because I gave him the space to come to me. If you feel like you need to talk...open up here or to a friend but accept that he will not grieve the same as you and nor will anyone on here. We all cope and grieve in different ways and I'm learning that that's okay. Much love and well wishes from me to the both of you xo.
  • I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. 

    My SO doesn't really like to talk about his feelings much and that was something I knew before our losses. After they happened, I tried to get him to lean on me but he just kept saying he was ok even though we both knew that wasn't the case. I ended up feeling a little alone as well, so I came on here to speak with people who were going through the same thing and I also sought the help of a therapist (which I really suggest). As I started to heal a bit emotionally I found that my husband sort of started to mention his feelings once in a while. After a few month's and more healing on my part, we were able to have conversations about how it affected the two of us and what we wanted to do going forward.

    I think a huge part of his silence is him wanting to be the strong one, even if we can see right through it. He has this need to be in control and to protect me, and I think as he saw I was healing and did not need his protection, he started to allow his feelings to come to front. He still has little break downs here and there and since I was able to rely on other means of healing, I can be there for him now like he was trying to be there for me.

    I know that right now the only person you want and need is him. I know it also sucks that after going through so much it feels like he is pulling away. Just dont let it tear yall apart. Give him a little bit of time, lean on people who have been through this (us, friends and family maybe), and trust that he will open up to you when he is ready.

    Again I'm sorry you are going through this. Hope I've helped somehow.
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