Needing Team Green Strength

FishyMom · September 2016

Hello Ladies... I am currently team green but I am struggling. Today was our anatomy scan and not finding out was so hard. I am needing some strength and some reminders on why to stay team green (also don't mind the snark of why not to stay team green).

I feel like I am not as connected with this little one as I was with my DD cause we found out at 11 weeks it was a girl and had a name picked out moments later. Some how not knowing makes it not feel as real.. and at this point that is the harder part and of coarse the obvious planning of the nursery.

Soo... good, bad, indifferent... give it to me... Thanks!

Spicyweiner · September 2016

:::find out find out find out:::

FishyMom · September 2016

Honestly... I want to find out if its a boy but would rather be surprised if its a girl... ugh... decisions decisions.

Spicyweiner · September 2016

But really, though, of you are feeling like you aren't bonding as much and you are having this hard of a time with it, maybe you should reconsider.
Are you going to be super bummed if you don't stay team green?
Sorry this isn't exactly the support you were looking for.

MrsDrKirkpatrick · September 2016

Honestly I would just evaluate why you decided to stay team green. If it was because you didn't want to share with with others or reasons relating to other people, I would find out and then not tell or whatever. If it's for you, and you want the surprise I would maybe write down all the reasons to remind you why you want this for yourself. Personally I wanted to find out to help facilitate bonding, but not everyone needs that. I would give yourself permission to change your mind if you want to, there's nothing wrong with deciding you want to find out to help bond with baby. Good luck!!

FishyMom · September 2016

Spicyweiner said:

But really, though, of you are feeling like you aren't bonding as much and you are having this hard of a time with it, maybe you should reconsider.
Are you going to be super bummed if you don't stay team green?
Sorry this isn't exactly the support you were looking for.

No this is completely fine support @spicyweiner. They are valid questions and will lead me to the decision I should stick with. I feel like I would be a little disappointed I didn't stay team green if its a girl. and just the overall fact I couldn't do it... I would say I am a logical person and if we get my decision to a place where I am comfortable then I feel that that is good support.

@mrsdrkirkpatrick thanks for your input and I think you have good points about the bonding. my DH and I talked about finding out and not telling anyone we found out... but he is no ok with keeping a secret like that. So it would be all in or not...

birdiejo · September 2016

I have no will power in these situations. I could never hold out. I was going to wait an extra week after my anatomy scan so my sister could do something cool to "reveal" by mail and I couldn't wait the extra week.

Maybe just consider your reasons for waiting and what feels more important to you? I know it'll be an amazing surprise if you wait but I'm just so excited that I know and can pick out cute things for the next 20 weeks. Also being able to refer to him as him and not it anymore.

FishyMom · September 2016

I am normally an impatient person too, so I think that's why this is so hard for me.

andplusalso my bank account thanks me for not finding out yet. lol

poofwok · September 2016

IMO, if you find yourself sad or disconnected just because of the hype of being/staying team green than maybe it's not for you...? as mentionned by a PP, do you think you would feel more relief or regret if you found out?

I would also suggest giving yourself a week or so before making a decision. I think it's that much harder because you just had your A/S. You might be back on track by next week

FishyMom · September 2016

concreteangell said:

IMO, if you find yourself sad or disconnected just because of the hype of being/staying team green than maybe it's not for you...? as mentionned by a PP, do you think you would feel more relief or regret if you found out?

I would also suggest giving yourself a week or so before making a decision. I think it's that much harder because you just had your A/S. You might be back on track by next week

This is a very good point...

Amber_Waves · September 2016

I forget where a bunch of #teamgreen was chatting about this, but suffice to say that the following is not original nor the first time it has been said on this board. Also, everyone gets to make their own choice, including you! Change your mind if you want!

Team Green because...

I think current masculine and feminine ideals are damaging and limiting to children and want to keep them away from my child for as long as possible.
As someone with non-binary family and transgender friends, I think finding out biological sex is not the same as finding out gender or anything about the child's personality. I'm actually way more interested to know if the kid is going to be more introverted or extroverted. I'm also dying to know if he/she got my husband's luscious eye-lashes.
If we go for another baby in the future, I don't want to buy a whole new wardrobe/bedding/furniture. Not knowing gender helps to keep the gear neutral. I also--politically--like spending my money on neutral stuff and not all the heavily gender-normed gear.
My MIL is pushy and entitled. Not finding out the sex is keeping her at a distance. She's only broached the topic of names once. You can bet it would be constant suggestions and opinions if she knew the sex.
My DH's family has a very pushy style in general and I like that we're starting out different because that's how we plan on keeping it. We're not going to have huge agendas and expectations all the time, which is what his family does. (It's not that my family is perfect, but mine is a plane-ride away so it's less of an issue than his family, who are mostly 1 hour away.)

I'm sure there's more, but that's all that's coming to mind right now!
Good luck as you move forward!

catmommac · September 2016

We wanted to find out to connect with the baby, to help us plan (we're first time parents and even narrowing down the plethora of options helps, though we try to go for neutral options), and we just couldn't wait the whole duration of the pregnancy.

He was named almost immediately after we found out (we had picks out names long before as we had been TTC for awhile) and we refer to him exclusively by his name now. It's really helped me to know.

For you, I recommend you make a pro/con list for team green and for finding out and go with your gut.

kjd291 · September 2016

I second the pro/con list! For me it's also about bonding. My last pregnancy didn't feel right until I found out, and I'm feeling that way this time too, so we'll be finding out. If its just a feeling of failure you couldn't do it that's holding you back, there's nothing wrong with choosing to know if it's what's best for you mentally. i think whatever way brings you most joy on this journey is the way to go!

WinchesterGirl · September 2016

I think the big pro that springs to my mind, is that you are going to experience one of the biggest surprises life has to offer!

There is a spoiler for almost everything these days, but just imagine the moment. You've just met this tiny person, done all the work of getting them here, and then you hear it, "It's a ____!"

yogadevil · September 2016

Honestly I think finding out the sex is exciting no matter when it happens! I do agree with a PP in that you should wait a week and see how you're feeling before reassessing.

I wavered big time the day of my a/s too but decided to remain team green, I'm glad I did but if the tech had asked a measly one more time I would've caved inmediately. If you're already regretting not knowing, maybe being TG isn't the right path for you right now- and that's ok! It's not a badge of honor or anything. The way you need to bond with your baby is personal

To play devil's advocate- for us, there are so few awesome surprises in this world and that's what's really kept us going. When I first got pregnant, my LPN had mentioned if either one of us had a stronger desire for whichever sex it was better to find out beforehand. Idk if thats true, were first time parents so we're just kind of going with it lol

HOWEVER. The wait is brutal. Absolutely brutal. Yeahyeah it'll be fun after the baby is born to buy all the clothes too, but damn it that's like 18 whole weeks away! Patience is not my strong suit.

I've probably been no help at all, but I do empathize absolutely

tishb · September 2016

FishyMom said:

I am normally an impatient person too, so I think that's why this is so hard for me.
andplusalso my bank account thanks me for not finding out yet. Lol

The bold print! We found out, because I'm a little control freakish, and a total planner, but now that we know it's a girl, I want to buy all the girl stuff ever made! On the other hand though, when we didn't know, I didn't want to buy anything because I didn't want all green and yellow. Sorry this probably doesn't help. I think whether you find out at birth or at anatomy scan, it's still a surprise, and it's still a special moment!

madamerwin · September 2016

I have a lot of respect for people who go Team Green, just for the amount of willpower and patience it takes, but it's just not for me. H and I are big planners, and I know we will have a hard time agreeing on a name, let alone two names. We DO want to stay gender-neutral as much as possible, so for decor and whatnot we will probably go with gray and green or something. We plan to ask family to try to keep in gender-neutral too (my family is pretty anti-gender stereotypes anyway). Plus, it's our first, and we both just really want to know, like, yesterday. I also feel like the pregnancy will feel more "real" once I know.

I get all the reasons people stay Team Green, except for "it's the last big surprise you get in life!" Because, really, it's a surprise when you find out at 20 weeks just as much as 40 weeks, and it's not like it's going to be a puppy... I know when my sister had her last kid, they didn't find out beforehand, and the "surprise" factor was not as awesome as she thought it would be. It was a girl (as she had been hoping), but after 72 hours of labor, it wasn't that important or shocking to her anymore.

One exercise my dad always advised when I couldn't make a decision: First, imagine you have made your decision, 100%. You are definitely NOT finding out. Make yourself believe this scenario (like, pretend this is the final decision, no changing it now). How does that feel to you? Do you feel relieved, or disappointed/anxious? Next, imagine you have made the final decision to call the OB and find out what the the A/S revealed the sex to be. You are going to pick up the phone in 5 minutes to make the call. How does that feel? Are you excited for that call, or regretful? Sometimes your gut can tell you the right choice.

MrsP052909 · September 2016

So we were Team Green but we had our A/S today and decided it was best to find out now.
1. We could not agree on ANY names. Narrowing down the sex will (hopefully) help with that!
2. I am a planner. I realized that waiting 20ish more weeks was going to be very stressful for me.
3. In the end, you'll find out either way. What difference does it make if it's at 20 weeks or after s/he is born?

Spicyweiner · September 2016

I feel like this is turning into a thread to turn you away from team green :-)

Eveinshock · September 2016

do you not want to know bc you are scared you are going to be disappointed and then will feel guilty? i know a lot of people will frown on that but I can understand it. This is my first baby and I had a loss so I really don't care either way but my husband wants a girl so so bad (his family is all boys the same age and he is just over them) that I definitely don't want to find out and have him be disappointed for the next 4 months. I know once it's born he won't care anyway.
Also at the 20 week scan when the dr came in she did a quick overview and I think i saw boy parts! I first was mad about it bc i didn't want to know but now i am so convinced i feel comfortable even buying a couple boy things. but not so convinced that I can tell people it's a boy...

FishyMom · September 2016

Spicyweiner said:

I feel like this is turning into a thread to turn you away from team green :-)

And that's ok. I think that everyone can feel me struggling with staying team green and are encouraging me that it is ok if I don't. If I had an adamant reason to stay green then I think the responses would be different, but reading it back I think everyone can tell that's not the case...

My DH just said he wants to know. I think that I will probably cave... but I am not sure how and when... I am going to give it some time and see tho.

Spicyweiner · September 2016

Tell me, and then I'll tell your H.
Just have them forward your results my way.

Starfish113 · September 2016

I'm team "cave in and find out!!!!"

Patience7150 · September 2016

I mentioned in the weekly random thread that I'm pretty strongly team green. To me it just felt right. I also want to try to get through delivery without an epidural, and knowing pushing that kid out is the only thing standing between me and knowing the sex does motivate me. However, it's our first...we're really not desiring one sex over the other. Also, I effin hate people asking what the sex is, and if I knew, I'd share, which I don't want to do.

MLRocha · September 2016

We have our A/S coming up on Monday and I think it's going to be quite a tempting situation. I've already made it through the genetic test results coming back and every single person at the doctor's office asking me if I want to know. I'm curious to see how DH deals with the temptation because us being team green was his decision to begin with.

So, why am I still team green? Because I am sometimes a contrary person. When people reacted sourly to me saying we weren't finding out, it made me want to dig my feet in deeper. I'm not like this about everything in life, mostly just when my decision really doesn't impact someone and they act weird about it. (There were a lot of wedding decisions that made me feel like this.)

But, I totally second the bonding issue. I'm having a hard time thinking of the nugget as a real little baby because it's just this weird unknown. I'm not sure if seeing the ultrasound will help but I'm hopeful. I mean, I get teary eyed whenever I think about certain baby related things... But, I'm having a hard time visualizing life after the baby is born because I can't get a picture of a girl/boy clear in my head.

madamerwin · September 2016

FishyMom said:

Spicyweiner said:

I feel like this is turning into a thread to turn you away from team green :-)

And that's ok. I think that everyone can feel me struggling with staying team green and are encouraging me that it is ok if I don't. If I had an adamant reason to stay green then I think the responses would be different, but reading it back I think everyone can tell that's not the case...
My DH just said he wants to know. I think that I will probably cave... but I am not sure how and when... I am going to give it some time and see tho.

Well, the good news is, there's no rush! Take your time and think about it... The A/S results will be there if/when you want to know!

birdiejo · September 2016

Random thought but although we received the pics of the goods... at my last OB they said they don't get information about sex from the ultrasound tech. Maybe it was just that particular office I went to but my doctor asked me what it was the next time I saw her...

madamerwin · September 2016

homemake said:

Random thought but although we received the pics of the goods... at my last OB they said they don't get information about sex from the ultrasound tech. Maybe it was just that particular office I went to but my doctor asked me what it was the next time I saw her...

Hmm, Interesting. Maybe if you tell them you don't want to know, they don't worry about getting clear images? Or maybe the U/S techs have it on file, but don't share with the doctor? I just assumed since it's an anatomy scan, they would take a look at the genitals, even if you didn't want to know.

FishyMom · September 2016

madamerwin said:

homemake said:

Random thought but although we received the pics of the goods... at my last OB they said they don't get information about sex from the ultrasound tech. Maybe it was just that particular office I went to but my doctor asked me what it was the next time I saw her...

Hmm, Interesting. Maybe if you tell them you don't want to know, they don't worry about getting clear images? Or maybe the U/S techs have it on file, but don't share with the doctor? I just assumed since it's an anatomy scan, they would take a look at the genitals, even if you didn't want to know.

My tech said that it would be on file
and all it would take is a phone call. I am surprised at the doctor wouldn't value that information as important. I know I've heard several times that girls develop faster and A doctor will make a medical decision to not induce a labor a week early versus closer to the due date based on sex.

yogadevil · September 2016

It's not necessarily on file, mine won't write it on there just in case a different nurse or something spills the beans since we asked not to know

poetryandoceans · September 2016

I was planning on doing Team Green. The only reason I caved was because I had been feeling so strongly that it was a boy that, if it was a girl, I felt I needed to know in advance. Not because I would be disappointed or anything, just because I would have been thrown.

In terms of planning the nursery, there are lots of things you can do that don't require knowing the sex. My plan for the nursery has not been changed at all now that I know my baby has boy parts.

It really comes down to how you're feeling about it. I would be the ultimate hypocrite if I tried to convince you to stay Green after caving myself, but I sometimes feel a bit sad that I caved and I won't get that amazing moment of finding out after the birth.

MissMerciBeaucoup · September 2016

My husband and I were going to wait, and I really wanted to wait but he felt like he would be able to bond better if we found out instead of waiting (this is our first) and that was more important than my desire for a surprise. Since we did find out I have no regrets or mixed feelings and am so glad to know!

Eveinshock · September 2016

Oh another thing...everyone I know who was team green was super super happy with their decision. I just recently discussed it in a group of women and they were all like "YES it was awesome!"

Lafreeman21 · September 2016

@Eveinshock After seeing boy parts at 2 U/S, where they stop and draw arrows and add the requisite 'I'm a boy!' label... I would be cautious to DIY peen spotting, lol. The umbilical can be a nice decoy, and they like to pause there since it's so vital. It was a hunt for bits at both of my U/S, and only visible from the ankle vantage point both times. You may still be team green!

expandcontract · September 2016

I had to find out ASAP because I really really wanted a boy. And I'm so glad that I did find out because we're actually having a girl and it had given me time to get over not having a boy. And now I'm already so attached to my baby girl. So that's the example I would give, if you're really set on having a specific sex baby, I think it's better to find out sooner.
And you're also saying that you don't feel attached to it, that doesn't sound good. I'm sorry, I know this not the type of advice you were looking for. But I needed to be straight with you. Whatever you choose, good luck to you and don't feel bad either way.

leprechaunlady · September 2016

Whilst i found out, i never even considered being team green for a second, a few of my cousins who have had babies in the past year were team green & we talked about it recently. One cousin said it was amazing when she gave birth & her husband handed her their baby & said it was a little boy, she kept everything neutral though i think everyone guessing what she was having was a little annoying. My other cousins girlfriend had twins almost a year ago & they were team
green too which to me mustve been really difficult, the already have a little boy & their twins were a boy & a girl & she said she didnt find it difficult at all not finding out. Both have said they dont regret the decision at all but also i have no regrets about finding out so i really think it comes down to how you feel personally. If you cave & find out, its still a really special moment & if you dont it will be special too.

FishyMom · September 2016

My DH and I talked about it for a while last night and we have decided to find out today. He wants me to call get the info and then call him. I feel like there could have been a more fun way but oh well... We have not decided what we are going to do as far as everyone else, so that's still up for debate.. but on the other hand I am finding out today!! I am so excited and feel no sadness about losing team green.

expandcontract · September 2016

Yay!! Congratulations on making a decision!! I'm so excited for you!!

pennylucille-2 · September 2016

Yay! @FishyMom !!!

We found out the other day and I'm so so happy we did. There was never a question for us, I think we even talked about it pre-pregnancy and agreed we would want to find out the sex. For me, I didn't feel like I could start planning anything or buying anything until I knew for some reason. It's not like I want to make everything pink or anything, but I just really wanted to know. We've even started calling her by her name instead of "it" or "little baby" and it's amazing, I have zero regrets for finding out.

Eveinshock · September 2016

Lafreeman21 said:

@Eveinshock After seeing boy parts at 2 U/S, where they stop and draw arrows and add the requisite 'I'm a boy!' label... I would be cautious to DIY peen spotting, lol. The umbilical can be a nice decoy, and they like to pause there since it's so vital. It was a hunt for bits at both of my U/S, and only visible from the ankle vantage point both times. You may still be team green!

Seriously!? Oh man now I am confused again. But it's funny you say that bc my husband was spotting things left and right. And I mean things like "oh there are the kidneys!" and he didn't notice the privates. So....I guess I could be wrong. Rare as that may be.....

@FishyMom So....are we going to get to share in the info? Since we helped you decide and all

FishyMom · September 2016

I went and updated the sex thread but we are having a girl. I am excited for my daughter to have a little sister.

Needing Team Green Strength

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