Oh my goodness! Haha, mamas be cray cray!! @Patience7150 sounds like you have it a lot worse than I do. I'm sorry. And ya, you're right that so many women would love to have their mom help out. My mom is different that way, though. She wouldn't help. She's become a lazy bug in her older years. All she wants to do is play with the baby. One thing that really freaked me out about my mom.....when my sister had her son, at one point, my mom bit my nephew on his cheek. He was like 1.5 years old at the time. I don't even understand how hard she bit him, but he ended up with a small infection on his cheek! Her explanation as to why she bit him...."he's just so adorable, I couldn't resist!" Are you kidding me?! Omg, I mean whenever I see an adorable kid I say "omg I want to eat him!" But by no means would I or any of my sisters ever actually bite a child! Jeez! So ya, that incident really traumatized me.
@homemake major good luck to you on telling your mom about your MIL!! I feel for you, girl!
@TeacherMom2517 Eep - I know I can't speak for everyone, but as someone who doesn't have her mother around I don't think you sound bratty at all! Your reaction and feelings about your mother's intensity are completely fair. How does she expect you to get comfortable parenting with her hanging around for 1-2 months? Nothing like constant observation to prevent anyone from getting comfortable.
I don't have anything really helpful to say, but I hope you are able to have a fruitful conversation with her and that she ultimately observes the boundaries you set -- even if there's a little bit of pouting at first. Getting the time you want and need as a new family is the priority. She can suck it up this time around!
One thing that really freaked me out about my mom.....when my sister had her son, at one point, my mom bit my nephew on his cheek. He was like 1.5 years old at the time. I don't even understand how hard she bit him, but he ended up with a small infection on his cheek! Her explanation as to why she bit him...."he's just so adorable, I couldn't resist!" Are you kidding me?!
My WTF today goes to my chiropractor. Who "specializes" in maternity cases, but was rushing and forgot to adjust the bed to my belly before he smashed down really hard on my lower back. Luckily baby is kicking up a storm tonight-so I'm no longer freaking the heck out.
And ugh. Mothers. It's so hard because you know ((most of the time)) they mean well. My MIL @ Step MIL are both teachers, both live 20or son min away, and my EDD is the start of February break--they're thrilled and said they are planning on basically moving in for the week. Soooo... I'm going to keep my legs crossed real right and keep this baby in till February break is good and over.
Thank you @floatingelephy! It's hard because I know being a new parent is going to be hard and I feel awful complaining about someone wanting to help me, but I feel like there's a hard and thick line she's drawing between being helpful and causing more frustration and anxiety! Hopefully our little chat will go well--just gotta make a good plan!
@TeacherMom2517 As someone who wants her mom there for a bit, you don't sound bratty to me AT ALL. I think healthy boundaries are necessary in all relationships and I think that's all you want. good luck!
@AfKash your mom may win the "cray mom award" for the week-- she bit the baby and it got an infection? how is that even possible? how did she break the skin? why did she think that was okay? #somanyquestions
I'm speechless at some of these mom/MIL stories. @TeacherMom2517 the line you mentioned between someone "helping" and causing anxiety is what's driving me nutso too. My mom is openly pushy and entitled, whereas my MIL is subtly manipulative and has the "poor me I'm a victim so I deserve special treatment" entitlement. It keeps me up at night figuring out ways to deal with them. Thankfully DH has stepped in to run interference for the rest of the pregnancy and new baby stage, but it still blows me away that either of them could possibly think they're being helpful by having such unrealistic expectations.
I get their excitement, I do. But our new family has to come first and so far that's been an impossible transition for them.
@AfKash your mom may win the "cray mom award" for the week-- she bit the baby and it got an infection? how is that even possible? how did she break the skin? why did she think that was okay? #somanyquestions
Seriously, I have no idea. My mom has bipolar and there's also something else wrong with her where she kind of acts like a kid. She's very impulsive. It's extremely important that she stay on her meds. There are so many questions I have for her in regards to so many things throughout my life, but she can't give an answer. She's an adult but sometimes you have to treat her like a child. And the crazy thing is that she's actually very smart. If only she could tap that intelligence towards something positive. Needless to say, it was tough growing up.
Oh wow, all these mothers!! I'm so sorry all of you ladies are dealing with the mom-induced anxiety/stress. DH and I were talking about this last night, actually. My mom is going to be extremely upset when we don't want her in our house 24/7 after this baby is born. Or probably in the delivery room. I have no idea how to address this yet, other than trying to stick to my right now boundaries, and address it as it comes up.
@afkash your mom actually sounds like my Dad. Very, very childish at times and you almost have to be the parent, even from a young age. It's hard because even when you want to bring things up and talk to them about it, you know in the end they can't explain it or it will just hurt their feelings/cause more problems. I have so much resentment against him at times for old things that I just feel will never get closure unless I give them up. ::sigh::
@WinchesterGirl we decided that once we've finished all of our classes and have our 'birth plan' and know what DH's free time will look like, I'm going to have a sit down (hopefully casual, but very direct) conversation with my mom. This way I can explain what our plan is, why we made the choices we've made, and where we would like her to be present and where we would like space. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I feel like if we don't explicitly lay out our wishes to her, she will drive me insane that day and I will do much more damage in a hormonal rage than if I express my feelings ahead of time when I can be somewhat reasonable. Do you think your mom would respond well to doing something like that? I guess it's also more for my peace of mind that I don't end up stressing out as we get closer and closer about what she may do or what may happen.
Sorry for all the crazy moms! I think I'll have the opposite problem. As soon as DH goes back to work, I'll probably be all alone, just me and baby. Most of the time it's nice, but sometimes help would be awesome!
Re: crazy moms Ouch you guys, so many awkwardnesses floating around. I feel very whiny about my minor mom & mil issues now, lol. Even so, I am considering an elaborate ploy where I don't tell anyone besides husband when I go into labor, when I'm pushing, when I'm scheduled for C-section, nada. Mom is a 1.5 hour drive, MIL is 2.5; my hope is a "hey guys! we have a kid now!" right after I finish my shower, and then a nice 2 hour break before it's time to entertain grandmas. That won't happen, but it's a fun daydream.
I'm slightly regretting the fact that I told them I would likely be induced by Feb 6. I should have continued referring to the 20th to keep the inquiries low
I forgot my WTF Thursday because of the crazy moms....
Work's short term disability coverage is 60%, so that's cool. EXCEPT NOT. It's capped so low that I'll actually get 27% of my income. For 4 whole weeks. After paying for my full benefits cost, I'll bring home a whopping 4% of my income. What the actual hell.
I forgot my WTF Thursday because of the crazy moms....
Work's short term disability coverage is 60%, so that's cool. EXCEPT NOT. It's capped so low that I'll actually get 27% of my income. For 4 whole weeks. After paying for my full benefits cost, I'll bring home a whopping 4% of my income. What the actual hell.
What the effing eff. I'm sorry that's so freaking lame.
DD1- Aug11 Angel Baby- June13, said goodbye Oct12 DD2- Aug13 DD3- due Feb17
I forgot my WTF Thursday because of the crazy moms....
Work's short term disability coverage is 60%, so that's cool. EXCEPT NOT. It's capped so low that I'll actually get 27% of my income. For 4 whole weeks. After paying for my full benefits cost, I'll bring home a whopping 4% of my income. What the actual hell.
I forgot my WTF Thursday because of the crazy moms....
Work's short term disability coverage is 60%, so that's cool. EXCEPT NOT. It's capped so low that I'll actually get 27% of my income. For 4 whole weeks. After paying for my full benefits cost, I'll bring home a whopping 4% of my income. What the actual hell.
@skiingstark what's interesting about that chart is that it doesn't go into how much the benefits are. For example, Canada we get 15 weeks for maternity leave and then 35 weeks parental (which either parent can take), but it's 55% of your pay up to some capped amount per week - I think around $500? I'm fortunate enough to work in a place that will top my benefit up to 95% of my pay for the first 17 weeks. After that it will be the 55% afforded by employment insurance. I likely won't be able to take the full 52 weeks, because we can't really afford to lose 45% of my pay. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining! Canada is definitely doing good things on the parental leave front, it's just interesting to consider how many weeks at what percentage of pay. I'm pretty sure most of those forward thinking Scandinavian countries are 80% or higher.
@AfKash we only get really cold in the winter. Edit
It might be changing to 18 months soon enough. It might be a bit unpopular but I really think every country needs to have something in place for parents to have time at home with their children if they want it.
Edit It does suck that it isn't full pay but it's a start. And for people making less than $150, 000 a year you do get child benefits each month.
@skiingstark what's interesting about that chart is that it doesn't go into how much the benefits are. For example, Canada we get 15 weeks for maternity leave and then 35 weeks parental (which either parent can take), but it's 55% of your pay up to some capped amount per week - I think around $500? I'm fortunate enough to work in a place that will top my benefit up to 95% of my pay for the first 17 weeks. After that it will be the 55% afforded by employment insurance. I likely won't be able to take the full 52 weeks, because we can't really afford to lose 45% of my pay. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining! Canada is definitely doing good things on the parental leave front, it's just interesting to consider how many weeks at what percentage of pay. I'm pretty sure most of those forward thinking Scandinavian countries are 80% or higher.
Same thing for Germany. They say 14 weeks, but that's 6 weeks before birth and 8 weeks after birth, both at 100% pay. Then you get the rest of the first year of your kid at 65% of your pay if you were working. And if your salary is too low so that 65% of it falls under a certain amount, it's automatically stocked to that minimal amount. Also, you can take 14 months off instead of 12 months, but 2 months of that have to be taken by the partner (usually the dad). And if you choose to go back to work part time before the 12 months are up you can spread the maternity pay out over three years. And don't get me started on the unpaid mat leave laws....
@skiingstark what's interesting about that chart is that it doesn't go into how much the benefits are. For example, Canada we get 15 weeks for maternity leave and then 35 weeks parental (which either parent can take), but it's 55% of your pay up to some capped amount per week - I think around $500? I'm fortunate enough to work in a place that will top my benefit up to 95% of my pay for the first 17 weeks. After that it will be the 55% afforded by employment insurance. I likely won't be able to take the full 52 weeks, because we can't really afford to lose 45% of my pay. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining! Canada is definitely doing good things on the parental leave front, it's just interesting to consider how many weeks at what percentage of pay. I'm pretty sure most of those forward thinking Scandinavian countries are 80% or higher.
Same thing for Germany. They say 14 weeks, but that's 6 weeks before birth and 8 weeks after birth, both at 100% pay. Then you get the rest of the first year of your kid at 65% of your pay if you were working. And if your salary is too low so that 65% of it falls under a certain amount, it's automatically stocked to that minimal amount. Also, you can take 14 months off instead of 12 months, but 2 months of that have to be taken by the partner (usually the dad). And if you choose to go back to work part time before the 12 months are up you can spread the maternity pay out over three years. And don't get me started on the unpaid mat leave laws....
Re: WTF Wednesday 9/21
@Patience7150 sounds like you have it a lot worse than I do. I'm sorry. And ya, you're right that so many women would love to have their mom help out. My mom is different that way, though. She wouldn't help. She's become a lazy bug in her older years. All she wants to do is play with the baby. One thing that really freaked me out about my mom.....when my sister had her son, at one point, my mom bit my nephew on his cheek. He was like 1.5 years old at the time. I don't even understand how hard she bit him, but he ended up with a small infection on his cheek! Her explanation as to why she bit him...."he's just so adorable, I couldn't resist!"
Are you kidding me?!
Omg, I mean whenever I see an adorable kid I say "omg I want to eat him!" But by no means would I or any of my sisters ever actually bite a child! Jeez! So ya, that incident really traumatized me.
@homemake major good luck to you on telling your mom about your MIL!! I feel for you, girl!
I don't have anything really helpful to say, but I hope you are able to have a fruitful conversation with her and that she ultimately observes the boundaries you set -- even if there's a little bit of pouting at first. Getting the time you want and need as a new family is the priority. She can suck it up this time around!
And ugh. Mothers. It's so hard because you know ((most of the time)) they mean well. My MIL @ Step MIL are both teachers, both live 20or son min away, and my EDD is the start of February break--they're thrilled and said they are planning on basically moving in for the week. Soooo... I'm going to keep my legs crossed real right and keep this baby in till February break is good and over.
@AfKash your mom may win the "cray mom award" for the week-- she bit the baby and it got an infection? how is that even possible? how did she break the skin? why did she think that was okay? #somanyquestions
I get their excitement, I do. But our new family has to come first and so far that's been an impossible transition for them.
@WinchesterGirl we decided that once we've finished all of our classes and have our 'birth plan' and know what DH's free time will look like, I'm going to have a sit down (hopefully casual, but very direct) conversation with my mom. This way I can explain what our plan is, why we made the choices we've made, and where we would like her to be present and where we would like space. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I feel like if we don't explicitly lay out our wishes to her, she will drive me insane that day and I will do much more damage in a hormonal rage than if I express my feelings ahead of time when I can be somewhat reasonable. Do you think your mom would respond well to doing something like that? I guess it's also more for my peace of mind that I don't end up stressing out as we get closer and closer about what she may do or what may happen.
I'm slightly regretting the fact that I told them I would likely be induced by Feb 6. I should have continued referring to the 20th to keep the inquiries low
Married: 10/10
EDD: 8/27/16 MMC 1/16
Rainbow Boy: 2/04/17
TTC: 4/18 BFP: 1/2/19
EDD: 9/6/19
Work's short term disability coverage is 60%, so that's cool. EXCEPT NOT. It's capped so low that I'll actually get 27% of my income. For 4 whole weeks. After paying for my full benefits cost, I'll bring home a whopping 4% of my income. What the actual hell.
Married: 10/10
EDD: 8/27/16 MMC 1/16
Rainbow Boy: 2/04/17
TTC: 4/18 BFP: 1/2/19
EDD: 9/6/19
Married: 10/10
EDD: 8/27/16 MMC 1/16
Rainbow Boy: 2/04/17
TTC: 4/18 BFP: 1/2/19
EDD: 9/6/19
This pic sums up my feelings on this topic.
Married to my Soul Mate since 09/06/09
It might be changing to 18 months soon enough. It might be a bit unpopular but I really think every country needs to have something in place for parents to have time at home with their children if they want it.
Edit It does suck that it isn't full pay but it's a start. And for people making less than $150, 000 a year you do get child benefits each month.
Also, you can take 14 months off instead of 12 months, but 2 months of that have to be taken by the partner (usually the dad). And if you choose to go back to work part time before the 12 months are up you can spread the maternity pay out over three years.
And don't get me started on the unpaid mat leave laws....
I am in awe of these policies.