Any blended families? Need advice / encouragement. Stepdaughter unhappy about pregnancy.

triwellnessgirl · September 2016

Hi Ladies,

This will be my first baby, and my Hubby's third child. His daughter is 16yo and has not spoken to us since we shared that we are having a Baby. Today was the first time in 8 weeks that she responded to her father (via text). She told him she is not happy that "he's having another kid." Needless to say, this is sad and upsetting, especially since she's told us since before we were even married that she couldn't wait until she had a baby sibling.
Anyone else dealing with this type of situation? I'm so sad and confused, and don't want this to affect our joy and anticipation.

Thank you!

betsy538 · September 2016

My BIL and his girlfriend recently had a baby, she has a 13 year old daughter that was less than thrilled to become a sister, but since baby is here, she is a good sister and loves her brother. Sending good vibes to you that she will turn around soon!

kjd291 · September 2016

No personal experience. Just want to give you a creepy internet hug and encourage you that it will all be okay. A 16year old girl is a crazy emotional being. I'm sure once your baby is here, she's going to love him/or her so much and be a great sister. I bet she still is very excited like she had said, but a big sibling (even one not in a blended family) can't help fear the change of no longer being her dads one and only. Try not to let this steal your joy, mama!! Hugs!

peony2418 · September 2016

I wish I had some words of wisdom! It sounds like an upsetting situation. I bet she will come around once you start getting closer and closer to March, and she has time to process the new situation. And when the baby comes, I bet she will be a great big sister, and all the stress of the past 8 weeks will be forgotten, in her excitement about a new sibling.

littleSkittle14 · September 2016

If she was excited about a baby before, maybe you can get her excited again by including her in things like registry shopping, coming to a sonogram or asking whoever is planning your shower to include her in some special way (like helping to plan?). Obviously some of that would depend on your level of comfort and how close you are with her.

sunshine507 · September 2016

My experience is only from watching adult half-siblings I know - some don't talk to each other, and some are super close with each other.
I don't have personal experience dealing with an issue like this with teens, but is there any way your DH can go talk to her in person? 8 weeks seems like a long time to not communicate with a child (although it sounds like he's been trying), especially if you want to foster a close relationship before a new addition to the family. Maybe she'd open up even more in person/when she gets personal attention from her dad?

triwellnessgirl · September 2016

@sunshine507 He has called or texted her every day since she decided to live full time with her Mom the night we told her we were expecting (prior to that, she was living 1 week with us, 1 week with the mom). She did not respond to a single text or return a single phone call. Tonight he texted her to say he was going to her school tomorrow during her lunch break to talk with her, and that's when she finally responded via text.

OctoberLove13 · September 2016

Being a 16 year old girl is an emotional time to begin with, even if you don't have a blended family. Add the blended family to that and at least one of her parents are going to be on the short end of the stick. These are personal questions and absolutely do NOT have to be answered but are some food for thought:
Was dad around a lot during her childhood? If not, that could cause tension even before he marries again.
Is she his youngest and/or only girl? If so, this could be the major culprit in her attitude.
Was her relationship with you, pre-baby, a good one or was there tension?
Again, please do not feel obligated to answer these questions on a public forum!!

My dad remarried when I was 12 and I gained a step sister who's 2 years older than me. That was all fine and dandy until she started calling him dad. That broke my heart. Girls are so tender and emotional so just keep that in mind! She will most likely look back on it in a couple of years and regret the way she acted but she can't see that far ahead yet. I hope that she will come around before baby is born and that her relationship with you guys will be better.

MrsNap_515 · September 2016

hugs! no real advice except that in high school, my best friend's parents were having a baby (she was 17), it's not that she wasn't happy, she was more embarrassed that they were having a baby at that point, but she warmed up to it over time, and became an amazing role model for him...could just be something like that, she's 16, thinking "ewwww, my father did what?" lol but in all seriousness, I hope it works out for you all!!

hippiemama-2 · September 2016

Hang in there, mama.

I was around the same age when my dad had the first of his kids with his new wife. As a kid, you start to feel emotions that you weren't prepared for - namely the potential for being "replaced". I remember it being a pretty painful time, despite my dad and his wife's best attempts to not make it so. Once the baby was born - I was head over heels for him and am still SO close with him to this day. There is light at the end of the tunnel. She isn't meaning to hurt you or diminish your excitement. She's just hurting.

jenny0228 · September 2016

i don't have much advice, but just wanted to say that i'm sorry you are going through this, and i hope she comes around! having been a 16 year old girl once, i do remember that most of the things i felt at that time were probably pretty irrational. hang in there!!

Bluebird2318 · September 2016

I'm sorry you're going through this! I don't really have any experience to add to what PP have said, but I definitely think that her age has a lot more to do with it than anything you or your DH are doing or not doing. The idea of something and the reality of it can be such a conflict at that age, and I think it's perfectly likely that she loved the idea of a baby sibling but is intimidated by the reality of the situation now that it's happening. In the same vein though, I am sure she will come back around, especially once the baby is here.

Think of it this way: some parents have difficulty bonding with an unborn baby or processing the future life-changing reality of a newborn, even when that baby was planned and deeply wanted. But far more often than not that all changes once the baby comes and everyone has had time to adjust to the new love and fullness in their lives. I have to imagine for a teenager expecting a baby sibling, it could be much the same. She will get there! In the meantime, it sounds like you and your DH are doing just fine where your (step)daughter is concerned. Sometimes continuing to extend your hand and hoping the other person takes it is the best you can do, and that's okay.

triwellnessgirl · September 2016

Thanks Everyone for the advice & encouragement. It's tough for my Hubby because he was the one who raised her & provided for her for the majority of her life. We all had a great relationship (she lived with him full time for many years) until we got married and I moved in. She then wanted to start staying with her Mom, and was doing the 50/50 for a few months, until recently. I know she's having a hard time dealing with all of her emotions, I just wish she wouldn't push us away as she's been doing. I know in time, all will be well. In the meantime, I'm hoping to gain some insight and tools on how to get through and help her from afar.

Thanks again!! XOXO

wintersong · September 2016

Have you looked into family counseling?

triwellnessgirl · September 2016

Hi @longliveregina I was going to a family counselor for 2 months prior to her leaving. The goal was to start counseling with her as well, but that's impossible to do when she won't speak to us

mrsnc · September 2016

triwellnessgirl said:

Hi @longliveregina I was going to a family counselor for 2 months prior to her leaving. The goal was to start counseling with her as well, but that's impossible to do when she won't speak to us

Might she be willing to go to the counselor on her own at first or even with her mom (if she's supportive) and work up to going as a family?

Sorry for your struggles. My stepdaughter hasn't given us this issue but we are going through a lot with her. I understand just how difficult it can be to want to communicate with them but not be able to.

wintersong · September 2016

mrsnc said:

triwellnessgirl said:

Hi @longliveregina I was going to a family counselor for 2 months prior to her leaving. The goal was to start counseling with her as well, but that's impossible to do when she won't speak to us

Might she be willing to go to the counselor on her own at first or even with her mom (if she's supportive) and work up to going as a family?

Sorry for your struggles. My stepdaughter hasn't given us this issue but we are going through a lot with her. I understand just how difficult it can be to want to communicate with them but not be able to.

I was going to suggest the above, too.
I'm just so heart broken for your husband (and you of course!) All I can think is to encourage you to keep your hearts open to her even though this whole situation hurts so much.

Can your husband dive to see her at a time when her mom is there, too? As hard as this situation is for her, someone has to help her see perspective here. Is her mom someone you can bring into the conversation? (Exes are tricky too

)

kjd291 · October 2016

Just thinking about you and wondering how things are going with your husband and stepdaughter @triwellnessgirl Any progress?

triwellnessgirl · October 2016

Hi @kjd291 , thanks for the thoughts... unfortunately there are no updates. We haven't heard from her at all, despite multiple attempts to communicate with her. My hubby's bday was a few weeks ago and I reached out to her to see if she'd like me to pick her up from school so she could join us for a birthday dinner for her dad. She didn't respond. At all. That was my last attempt to communicate with her. It's been almost 12 weeks now since I've heard from her.

kjd291 · October 2016

@triwellnessgirl I'm so sorry to hear that!!

I hope you're doing your best to not let it get to you and steal your joy during this wonderful time for your family. **Creepy internet hugs**

ShaunaT25 · October 2016

Oh, what a tough situation.

hugs to you guys. No experience in this kind of situation but truly hope it works itself out soon. How is the relationship between her mom and dad? Maybe some support on that end and encouragement to talk to him about how she's feeling would be beneficial. Or a weekend with just her and her dad to reinforce that they will always have their own special bond. I imagine it's less about the baby and more fear about how their relationship will change. Maybe a grand gesture from dad (when shes ready to communicate).

sunshine507 · October 2016

Really sorry for you & your husband. That's rough.

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