WTF! Not sure how to react....

myriamc96 · September 2016

Me and my hubby share a tablet, but he's typically the only one that uses it. My phone died, so I got on our tablet for the first time in months and got on FB to see if my brother put up anymore pictures (he just had my new nephew yesterday), I opened the search bar to look for him, not realizing I was on DH's FB and the most recent searches were for his ex! I had no reason to suspect anything since he's the most faithful guy I've ever been with, but now that I see he's looked up an ex he dated for 10 years, I don't feel so trusting anymore. Is this actual cause for concern? Should I bring it up to him?

Wholesome · September 2016

Sometimes curiosity doesn't necessarily mean anything. My husband did the same and I jokingly teased him about it like I was mad but that was it. Turns out he couldn't find her so I helped him and we found her. He is so happy he didn't end up with her for the long run. Haha. We've done the same to my exes too. It's not necessarily "what-ifs" for us but more like we're just nosey and want to see how the bullets we dodged are fairing - ha! I have one who knocked some girl up and she left him so he'd been raising his son on his own until he recently got married to a single mom. One that's happily married with kids (and is going bald, bwahahahhaa). One that died shortly after he married the girl he left me for... I'm very happy with my husband but sometimes wonder about people in the past - exes or long lost friends - but it doesn't mean anything about my current relationship. I couldn't see myself with anyone else. I think if he died, I wouldn't even want to date again.

although I should point out that long ago we read somewhere that Facebook is notorious for breaking up relationships because of the trust issue when it comes to exes (and new people too) so years ago we combined our account -- not because we don't trust each other but because we didn't want to have any potential problem in the future. It's great. We have the same friends and family (except for old high school and college friends) so all the pictures we share are mostly what we'd share on individual pages. I think his college friends are annoying but it's worth it. Our friends and family don't have to "like" the same photos on both our individual pages - ha.

ETA
I got extra nosey and searched for the widow of my ex - she got remarried and had a kid within a YEAR of him dying (and it wasn't his). Ya, she must have been mourning for a very long time about that one. (Sheesh!)

ashanne88 · September 2016

I wouldn't freak out just yet. Bring it up to him and see what he says. It could be he was just curious what she was up to or it could be something more. It's probably better to give him the benefit of the doubt first.

ElleMF728 · September 2016

There was something about this on the radio just a few days ago! Only one person who called thought it was a red flag every one else agreed it was totally normal and I agree with majority. I totally FB my ex occasionally and I have absolutely zero feelings for him, have never had thoughts of "what if" and am so happy with DH. Yes, I realize I'm a petty person but its nice to remind myself how good I have it now. I think its human nature to want to sort of "win" a break up.

hjmorgan-2 · September 2016

You know your man. Facebook is bad because it makes it too easy to just "lurk" on people. I'll be honest, I've randomly just started looking up old friends and even exes out of bordom. Not even THAT curious, but it's so easy to just enter the name. Ask him about it, I'm sure just talking to him will show you his intention. And he should also understand it would concern you.

Especially being pregnant. Even though I've searched, I would easily feel very insecure if I saw my husband look up his ex when Im starting to feel big and not so sexy. Even though, also, he is one of most faithful men I know and I have no real concern.

I'm with @wholesome also. H and I have been highly concidering just joining our accounts. Facebook is a poison for relationships.

AppalachiaVaudeville · September 2016

My husband and I deleted our Facebook accounts together. It helps us stay in the moment.
My ex and I had a hard time talking about little discoveries like the one you have encountered. It wouldn't be an issue if he hadn't hidden it, right? Or maybe if you guys had had a conversation about it? Little actions like this from him and tiny secretes like you hiding that you know about it are marriage dynamite.
I know confronting him about the search is something you really don't want to do. But as uncomfortable as it is you can clear the air. Doing so can build a stronger trust if you ask in a mature way(and if he doesn't get irrationally defensive). If he does get weird about it, dig deeper. If he doesn't, trust him.
Overall, be mindful of your wellbeing, be honest, and know that you can handle the truth.

canavara · September 2016

Like others said, curiosity doesn't necessarily mean anything harmful. I haven't in a while, but I used to visit my ex's Twitter every now and then just to see what he was up to--I'd never in a million years want to be with him again and think he's an ass, but I still get all "Michael Jackson eating popcorn at the movies" watching his life drama from afar.

And of course, sometimes life changes just make people stop what they're doing and think, "This is where I am, what happened with all those other roads I didn't take"--not necessarily in a negative way, just in a "Where did other people go when we split paths--if I'm having a child, what is so-and-so up to?"

You can bring it up with him, but if you do, make sure you walk into the conversation free of judgment and not assuming anything--that way you're more likely to have a productive and honest conversation and both of you can feel safe discussing your emotions.

surlyjaneausten · September 2016

I am guilty of doing this, too! I look at Facebook pages of ex boyfriends now and then and it's always just out of curiosity, see what they are up to, and feel grateful that I didn't end up with them. The only time I felt like I couldn't take a look once in awhile is when I still wasn't over them. Obviously everyone is different, but I bet a conversation about it would make you feel better about it. You weren't intentionally snooping on his phone or tablet.

cabu14 · September 2016

I totally do this to my ex's and one of my husbands ex. When we first started dating, almost 12 years ago, she was a huge issue in our relationship. So much we blocked her from his Facebook so she cannot even find him if she searched his name and vise versa. Her life kind of crumbled so she tried to mess with ours.. so I search for her sometimes just to see if her life is still crumbly. It usually is. I know I sound so mature #sorrynotsorry

Likely just curiosity but in my relationship if I have a question about it, I just ask as we have gotten through it before.

Hope you give us an update!!

Wholesome · September 2016

One thing I think is great about having a joint account is we actually have some exes as friends. Not like we talk with each other much but we like each other's pictures and wish each other happy birthday. I kind of relish that his exes see pictures of us -- I think it's entertaining that they want to see our lives. We don't post mushy relationship crap but we do post pictures of our life adventures. So, they can eat their hearts out! Heheh.

im like, your ex wants to be our "friend"
https://m.imgur.com/gallery/dVDJiez (I can't get this link to work!)

nolemama24 · September 2016

Thought I would chime in since I had every intention of cleaning tonight & here I am on the couch......

I enjoyed reading your answers, my fiancée and I are getting married in May next year & it's nice to see all the advice!

I echo all previous posters on the natural nature of being curious. I have from time to time searched for an old friend or an ex-boyfriend on FB. One day you are on your phone or tablet and they pop into your head, it's just soooo easy to type in their name & boom! I think most people are guilty of it, and most would agree that we are all just being nosey. I think with many other relationship topics, you should be translucent about this too. Bring it up to him and see what he says. It's better to be open & honest about a situation rather than harbour even the teeny tiniest of doubt inside. Like someone else has said, with my last relationship, we had a hard time talking about these kinds of things. It lead to a lot of jealousy & arguments, which suuuuucked & was unhealthy. I hope you have a good chat with your man & clear the air for peace of mind

emy730 · September 2016

I search for my ex all the time on Facebook, not because I have any interest in being with him, but just out of curiosity. Also, he had a son that I knew while we were together, and I do like to see how he's doing. We're both married now, and have children, so it's not that big of deal.

I also search for my husband's ex sometimes, again out of curiosity.

Parley · September 2016

I wouldn't even bring it up, its probably meaningless and brining it up turns it into an issue. hideous horrible person admission- I fb my exes sometimes, mostly bc I like to see how much better i'm doing than them and that i'm hotter than their wives;) Maybe your guy is just on there gloating like me!

awknyc · September 2016

I agree with pp that it could just be innocent curiosity. I'd still bring it up just to get piece of mind for yourself. Who knows, maybe it could be something as simple as one of his friends mentioned that his ex had recently got married or whatever so he looked it up. You may completely trust him, but I think it's an innocent question to ask, it's not like you were spying on him or digging through his emails.

Wholesome · September 2016

If it's bothering you or giving you a tiny amount of concern, bring it up. Harboring that kind of stuff is a relationship killer. Just be sure to be inquisitive and not judgemental.

sarahmsoda · September 2016

I creep my ex's once in awhile, more out of curiosity. I have a few that ended on fine terms and I am happy to see them happily moving on with new partners and families. I don't think my DH cares to be honest, and sometimes I even share updates with him... his ex is still in our life, she is close friends with all of his friends and is at every event we go to with his friends. It doesn't bother me and we both have her on Fbook. We would love to see her happily in a new relationship and starting a family one day.

I know different people have different histories with ex's but I think if you are married and happy you should feel secure enough in what you have to know that ex's are in the past. However, if it bothers you it doesn't hurt to bring it up just so he is aware that it hurt you... I am sure it was harmless and he would agree to let it be and not search her again.

myriamc96 · September 2016

So I got on his phone to see if he was looking her up on it and here I found pages upon pages of porn, that just shattered me. We established from the beginning that if I ever caught him looking at another woman, that he was GONE. We don't even watch movies if there's ANY kind of nudity in them, so he knew damn well how I feel about the subject. I confronted him about it and he told me a couple of his "buddies" were looking up pictures and showing the group and he joined in, I'm so fucking discusted that I don't even want him near me. Every single one of his friends knew that that was a huge NO in our relationship and every single one of them has taken a crack at lecturing me over it, to include my FATHER! Yet he just up and did that, I'm just so broken right now and don't know what to do.

Wholesome · September 2016

I'm so sorry this has happened and you are going through this, especially while pregnant when our emotions are so tumultuous and fragile. I don't really have any advice but hope you two can work through it. Trust is so easily broken, especially when agreed limitations were set. People can always be forgiven for misdeeds but trust isn't so easily regained. I hope he understands the full impact his actions have towards you and is trying to bend over backwards for you at the moment.

emtimme · September 2016

Agree with pp--I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Ordinarily I wouldn't consider this kind of thing a huge deal but, since you established it as a deal-breaker from the beginning, he should have been more respectful. While it's by no means excusable, I hope it was a one-time mistake. It won't be an easy process, but since you clearly have a lot riding on this relationship, it'd certainly be worthwhile to work it out. Perhaps an appointment with a counselor will give you a supportive venue to really drive home how critical the situtation is, and that professional could also guide you both through the appropriate next steps towards healing. Wishing you all the luck!

kswiger06 · September 2016

I'm a lurker but @myriamc96 I sent you a private message. Also I know there's some typos I should have proof read.

sarahmsoda · September 2016

@myriamc96 I think the porn thing would definitely be a hard one for me to swallow too... it has been an issue in past relationships and my DH and I have had super honest conversations about it and I think I would be heartbroken if it was something that he was doing, especially regularly and on his phone.

I know almost all guys, whether from conservative religious backgrounds or not have struggled with porn at some point in their lives. Lots of people find it acceptable and lots don't so I think is entirely based on your relationship and the boundaries you had set.

I don't know if I would buy his explanation though, guys at 16 pass around porn and joke about it but grown adult men don't usually. Either way I think you need to have a frank conversation about it, which will likely start a pretty open and frank conversation about your sex life and how he is feeling. I think it is always good to discuss expectations and where you both are at meeting them with each other. Often times people don't like talking about it but it's often necessary.

MrsRahl · September 2016

@myriamc96 I don't have any real advice but am here to tell you that my husband and i have the same boundaries, and would be feeling the same exact way as you right now. So don't feel ridiculous oe wrong, especially when it was agreed upon. On that note though, I would try to have a conversation as best you can, but I know how hard that woukd be especially pregnant. Big hugs to you!!

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