On the topic of RE: friends ditching you post kids - I never was on the other side of this fence because I was the first in my group to have kids. None of my other friends are even close to thinking about it anytime soon. Did anyone else here have the other perspective? Why is it that having kids can sometimes make your friendship less desirable? Is it just truly to lack of time?
For a long time, I stressed about it myself but now realize that as an adult, my (non kid) friendships just kind of.. changed into something different. Not bad or good, just different. I personally had a lot of bouts of depression from feeling secluded during the newborn stage because I had no other mom friends to hang with. Now, I find myself having more mom friends than not mom friends, although I have a few old friends who still do not have kids.
TLDR; why is it so hard to keep up with friendships post kids?
My husband and I just got into a fight over effing ice water. I asked him to get me ice water and he got me tap water. He said he was too tired to go to the basement to get the ice (our ice maker in kitchen is broken) so I told him we should go to bed because we're so tired instead of watching an episode of Supernatural (current binge). He said I could go to bed but he wanted to finish his season of TWD- like 3-4 episodes, which is a hot button issue because he stays up till 2/3 AM and is an ASS in the morning. I pointed out if he wasn't too tired to stay up all night watching zombies he could get my ice water. Like, I should have just got my own but the dog and cat were snuggling me. Stupid fight followed and now j have my ice water and I'm watching Jared Padalecki whine as I stew.
DD1- Aug11 Angel Baby- June13, said goodbye Oct12 DD2- Aug13 DD3- due Feb17
Today I got pissy because of the way H says "Huh?" When he can't hear me. Tonight I was making dinner and asked what else he wanted to do today, he did the "huh?" thing and I about lost it. He just sounds SO annoyed and angry when he says it, like it's a huge deal if he has to interrupt his show for two seconds to have some conversation. Take the damn headphones out, you're at home with your wife who would rather just have you put it on the TV so we both have something to watch. I'll stop now, lol.
@4PsInAPod as one of the last in my friend group to have kids, I have had some friendships fall off as babies arrive and some not. A lot of it has to do with the friendship still feeling mutual and rewarding. some people still make time for you and some don't...I make an effort, but I also go with the flow. My friend Jenna and I never even had a blip in our friendship as she had her boys, as she would happily have me over in the middle of a shitstorm because she knows that I'm not there to judge. And she would come over to my place or out to eat, too. We talk about her life, but also my life and books and politics and other things of mutual interest. Now her youngest is in kindergarten and I'm a FTM!
@4PsInAPod I think it's like @Amber_Waves says, it is about priorities and time. My friend got married and has a stepson now. I barely see her because she has 2 families to see and is a brand new mom to a toddler. and it isn't for lack of me trying or her. We are still really close and try to talk as often as we can. and we put something on the calendar at least every 2 months-- even if it's just shopping at target. it's not what it used to be but we make it work!
but I have another friend who had 3 kids right out of college and literally stopped answering the phone. or texts. or anything. it was like she didn't want anything to do with her friends who weren't married or having kids. I was in grad school and single and didn't fit into her new life. that's okay too, I actually understand it.
Friendship is hard and kids make everything 100x more complicated. I think it's about making time, even if you're both in yoga pants and have dirty hair and dirty houses :-)
I agree with the PP. I'm a FTM and I've had some friendships do just fine after kids, and others fizzle out. I think that it really depends on how accommodating people are of each other. Our closest couple friends had a baby last year and we have just kept right along with no problem. Of course we make our get togethers earlier, bring food over, etc. and be very flexible. We love hearing about their baby and how he's doing, but they are also still interested in what's going on in our lives and don't act like because we aren't parents, we haven't lived yet. I've had girlfriends who, once they had their babies, became totally disinterested in their friends without kids. And I get it, everyone wants to be able to relate and share with people who are going through what they are, and so I don't feel badly about that. But I have also had the experience of a mom friend having a comeback to anything that I would say about my life - ie "I'm good but I'm really tired from being out late last night!" ..."oh, you have no idea what tired is"..."I just really hope that I get this promotion at work because I've been killing myself for it"... "I never knew what hard work was until i became a stay at home mom". That kind of thing gets really old and that friendship didn't last long.
I will add that early on, as in after the birth of my first and even second child, she would stop by my house over her lunch break from work and visit. It was really nice having someone to talk to when I was deep in the trenches with a newborn and a one year old. I think what makes this loss so difficult is that she was always such a great friend. It wasn't until my 3rd was born that we really started to drift. It feels weird being pregnant this time and not even getting to share the news with her! Maybe we will reconnect down the road, maybe not. She has always been one of those friends that we could just pick up right where we left off.
Update: I fell asleep during the first episode of Supernatural then went to bed. He stayed up till 2 watching TWD. This morning he got up at 7:09 (has to be out the door at 7:15) and yelled at me because I didn't get myself, the kids, their breakfasts, and lunches ready and in the van in the same time he got himself ready and packed a (rather elaborate) lunch. We carpool in the morning because our 2nd vehicle is sketchy ATM.
DD1- Aug11 Angel Baby- June13, said goodbye Oct12 DD2- Aug13 DD3- due Feb17
Update: I fell asleep during the first episode of Supernatural then went to bed. He stayed up till 2 watching TWD. This morning he got up at 7:09 (has to be out the door at 7:15) and yelled at me because I didn't get myself, the kids, their breakfasts, and lunches ready and in the van in the same time he got himself ready and packed a (rather elaborate) lunch. We carpool in the morning because our 2nd vehicle is sketchy ATM.
@PerraSucia I had no doubt in my mind once he said he planned on finishing the season that it would be a rough morning. He got a little bit of an earful (calmly, with Veggie Tales in the background) as I told him to grow up.
DD1- Aug11 Angel Baby- June13, said goodbye Oct12 DD2- Aug13 DD3- due Feb17
Re: Monday B*fest
in the words of the beutiful boy George "Time makes lovers feel like they got something real but you and [her] you got nothing but time"
For a long time, I stressed about it myself but now realize that as an adult, my (non kid) friendships just kind of.. changed into something different. Not bad or good, just different. I personally had a lot of bouts of depression from feeling secluded during the newborn stage because I had no other mom friends to hang with. Now, I find myself having more mom friends than not mom friends, although I have a few old friends who still do not have kids.
TLDR; why is it so hard to keep up with friendships post kids?
Today I got pissy because of the way H says "Huh?" When he can't hear me.
Tonight I was making dinner and asked what else he wanted to do today, he did the "huh?" thing and I about lost it. He just sounds SO annoyed and angry when he says it, like it's a huge deal if he has to interrupt his show for two seconds to have some conversation. Take the damn headphones out, you're at home with your wife who would rather just have you put it on the TV so we both have something to watch. I'll stop now, lol.
but I have another friend who had 3 kids right out of college and literally stopped answering the phone. or texts. or anything. it was like she didn't want anything to do with her friends who weren't married or having kids. I was in grad school and single and didn't fit into her new life. that's okay too, I actually understand it.
Friendship is hard and kids make everything 100x more complicated. I think it's about making time, even if you're both in yoga pants and have dirty hair and dirty houses :-)