Conflicting Faiths - need some help

phoenix870509 · September 2016

This might be long so apologies in advance.

I've probably mentioned it before, but I'm Jewish and DH is Carholic. The original plan we have been set on for years was when we had children they'd be named in Hebrew and baptized, then DH and I would take them to church and temple, and once they were old enough they could choose their path.

DH and I had a long discussion yesterday and now DH isn't comfortable with this. He feels like he is lying to both faiths, because each is essentially a promise and he is big on promises.

So now we are back at square 1. Neither of us is particularly religious but having a basis for faith is important. We want to raise our child to know there is a God who loves them, and no matter what path they choose we will support them.

What we have come to is now there will be no naming ceremony or baptism. We want to do a blessing over them sometime after they are born and we already have godparents selected. I want to have some kind of small ceremony in which we officially name them godparents but DH doesn't think that's necessary. I think the ceremony is important and would make it official, but DH says it's a personal and intimate thing and no pomp and circumstance is needed. We'll also take them to temple and church, and once they reach an age where we need to decided on Hebrew school or confirmation classes they will decide which path they want to take. From there they will be baptized/named in Hebrew and then go from there.

Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but if you and your SO have different faiths, how did you go about choosing what do do with your kids, religion-wise?

princesslockness · September 2016

Mine is going to be long. My parents were different faiths and they had an arrangement that worked pretty well. Since my dad was disabled/SAHD he got us during the week. It helped that dad was the more -read, practice serving others type of person. Then on the weekends mom took us to church. It just worked and my sisters and I have *I feel* a better outlook and more thought and knowledge as to why we have our faith than most. Now with H and I we decided that we couldn't do the split time, as neither of us was really willing to agree to the week/weekend things. So we are going to have a new church each month. Then the kids can see how they are similar and what is the best fit for them. We'll see how well it works.

penelope4612 · September 2016

DH is Jewish and I was raised Catholic. Neither of us is particularly religious. We celebrate the big holidays with our respective families but I haven't been to church in a very long time. DH doesn't really attend temple unless there is an event going on (bar mitzvah for a family member or something). I honestly am not sure how I feel about faith/religion - so it's not necessarily personally important to me that my child be exposed to or understand ideas about God. So I can tell you what we're going to do, but I think maybe our priorities are a little different when it comes to religion.

We're having a boy, and it is important to DH that he be circumcised, so we are going to do that in the hospital. We are not going to have a baptism or a bris. I think DH would be happy if I said "let's have a bris" but I don't want to - I think my family would find it disagreeable if we were having a bris and not a baptism, and vice versa, I think his family would be offended if we had a baptism and not a bris. From my standpoint, there is a problem with doing both, which is probably what your DH is struggling with. When you're Catholic, having a baptism is essentially welcoming your child into the church and stating to God and the congregation that you're going to raise them Catholic. And the godparents are the people who are supposed to guide the child on their path in the Catholic religion (at least in theory). So, it's kind of contradictory when you are Catholic to have a child baptized and then also have a bris and then agree that you are going to raise them under 2 different religions. Unfortunately, the Catholic church is fairly exclusionary, and they wouldn't like it very much if you were having your child baptized but weren't 100% fully committed to raising them Catholic - at least not in the church I was raised in (maybe there are more progressive Catholic churches out there now). Also, I think that, since I'm not really someone who is attending church, there is some degree of falsehood by pretending I'm going to bring my child to church, when I'm not. So there is that too.

The above isn't the stance of Christianity as a whole - I have a friend who is Jewish, and her husband is Christian, although I'm not sure what part of Christianity he follows - but they did have a joint baby naming and baptism with both a Rabbi and a Priest/Minister, and were both very happy with that.

In terms of raising the child, they will celebrate major holidays with both families. If they are interested in a particular religion down the road, whether it is Catholicism or Judaism or something else - that's their call. I'm open to whatever they decide. Also, it seems that the Jewish community in our area has a lot more going on than the Catholic community - in terms of having Jewish community centers, and preschools, and mommy and me groups, etc, that are open to people of all religions. So if it comes down to building ourselves into the Jewish community in order to have a community and utilize those resources, that's ok with me as well.

princesslockness · September 2016

All of that was to say, I think you have found a good compromise, and that this way you aren't being untruthful with either religion.

SarahF8611 · September 2016

Ah, this is a hard one with no "right" answer. The only thing I will say is if your child does decide to be Catholic in the future, the baptism ritual is very intensive for adults including A LOT of classes and such. I'm not sure what age that starts at, maybe something to look into? As far as "lying" to either religion, I have to say that (as you know!) Jews and Catholics believe in the same God and I think he would know that if you do end up having a naming ceremony and a baptism, He knows what's in your hearts which is all good intentions.

brittnic86 · September 2016

I have no advice, just hugs. Sorry lady.

Neither of us are religious, and I feel like I was forced into religion at a young age. We both feel if our kids want to be religious, then they can make that choice when they're old enough to truly understand.

happygirl1013 · September 2016

My husband's mother was very, very Catholic and his father was Hindu. He was raised being exposed to both religions (celebrating both holidays, attending both houses of worship, etc.).

When he was old enough (not until his 30s), did he decide what he wanted his faith to be, and took steps to pursue it. His families philosophy is that you can never have too many blessings in life, so he participated in both the Catholic and Hindu traditions.

Good luck!

Toller · September 2016

DH and I talked about this when we got married (He was Catholic, I was Lutheran- so not *quite* such a difference), but ultimately I ended up converting to Catholic and have been super super happy with my choice. I personally do see where he's coming from-nothing right or wrong about it, just a respectable viewpoint. Gotta love a man who values his promises!

That being said, I think it's great that you have this conversation going and I think you should keep it open until you're both comfortable with a solution. If that means delaying baptism/whatnot for a year- I think that's just fine!

You could also have the baby baptized in a Christian denomination where there is "less promising"? I can't recall what we promised at DD's (Catholic)baptism, but if it helps, the Catholic Church recognizes all christian baptisms- When I converted, I didn't need to be re-baptized or anything.

Maybe do a pro/con list for each scenario? And again- just keep talking about it and thinking on it and praying on it! I hope you find peace in whatever direction you decide to go

allicat89 · September 2016

That's a tough situation, and I'm really glad that you are taking the time to think it over! I actually think that you and your DH are doing the right thing by waiting on the baptism and naming ceremony. In our church, an infant baptism ceremony requires the parents to promise that they will raise their child in the Christian faith. I'm guessing that the Catholic Church requires a similar promise. So if you're planning to raise the child in a spiritually open household, rather than a strictly Christian household, I can see why your DH would be uncomfortable making a baptism commitment.

But I think having an inter-faith blessing ceremony sounds like a really nice compromise! I've heard of ceremonies where all of the family and godparents write their own blessing, according to their own religious traditions, and read it over the child. I think that sounds incredibly sweet and might be a nice way to honor both your Catholic and Jewish roots

Edit: TheBump ate my opening line.

yellingbanana · September 2016

My parents were divided on religion: mom was raised non-denominational (Seattle hippie church

), and dad was forced into Catholic religion, catholic school in Los Angeles. Dad hated religion because of how he grew up. So sisters and I went to non-denom church in the burbs, but only here and there.
DH is Catholic, and it's intrigued me since I was little because of the rituals and seeing my Grandma practice. I was baptized Catholic, I took the classes, about 7 yrs ago. But we hardly go to church, and have a lot of issues with the church and religions in general. (Though the new pope is amazing!) We raise our children to believe in a higher being, if they want to. While recognizing that religions were created by men, and therefore have flaws.
Its most important to us that our children learn how to be good to others, to show love and understanding, to help their peers and even people that they don't know, and to make smart choices for themselves, those around them, and their environment.
My suggestion is to have both of you write a list of the most important aspects of each religion, and why they are important. And how you can teach the child both religions, while teaching them to respect the right to choose a religion (or no religion) that best suits them.

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