Is there a time to give up the dream? (Birth mentioned)

Stillharbor · September 2016

Hello Ladies,
For all those that are in the process of cycles or thinking of adopting, I have a question for you. Is there a point where you stop? I've always dreamed of having kids (and yes I had 1 successful pregnancy from an IUI), but would love more kids. However, finances being what they are, fertility treatments are expensive and adopting (from what I understand) is just as expensive. There's no way we can afford either of those avenues. Do I just give up the dream that multiple kids could be in my future? Don't get me wrong I LOVE my daughter, but being an only child (with special needs) has draw backs both for her and for me.

FatPony · September 2016

I'm in a similar boat, 1 child from IVF and wondering when to quit. We're trying for #2 with leftover embies from our last round of IVF. I think I can do another round, but who knows. We would ideally like 2 or 3, but I'm starting to think of what life would be like with an only child.

Monica54321 · September 2016

For us, no - there will not be a point when we stop. If IVF doesn't work (plan is max of 2 egg retrievals, unless there's some discovery that makes us think a 3rd would have a drastically different result), then we'll move on to adopting from the US foster system. I would consider looking into that - costs are not high at all compared to private or international adoptions.

As far as IUIs, mine were not cost prohibitive (<$1k, oral medication, not injectables). If you were previously successful with IUI (without injectables) I'd keep trying that method!

mrsdaddario · September 2016

I think that's really such a personal choice. For us, we both agree that we would go all through what we can on our own. Oral stims with IUI, Injectables with IUI, IVF. And if all of that fails, that's when we'll quit. Adoption and fostering are great things for many people, but we don't feel like it is for us.

hazelpanda · September 2016

Hi! I have considered adoption. Actually if you adopt locally ( as in-state) its actually affordable. Private adoption is expensive. My brother adopted a 6 day old baby through the state. Its a long process. You have to invest in classes and certifications, etc. But even that was reimbursed upon completion. He also had to be ready literally same day, when they called to see if they could place her with him and his wife. They had to be ready. Please look into that sort of option. You may not get a newborn but there are so many kids waiting. As for fertility treatments...I have done them all. I finally had two successful IVFs. I am chronically ill now and can't risk having another child, for fear of not being able to take care of them. But my heart grieves about it and it's so hard to let go of that dream. Praying for you!

KristoKekerooni · September 2016

@Stillharbor - long time lurker, here-but I wanna come out of the corner for just a moment.

I've asked myself that question so, so many times. IVF is out of reach for us at the moment due to being in a no coverage state (and the high likelihood that we aren't candidates anyway). We have (mostly) moved onto the adoption option. We decided a private adoption is outside our price range, but we are beginning the process of adopting through the foster care system. I have many, many friends who have done this. It ranges from free to cheap (typically less than 1K), depending on the state you're from. Contrary to popular thoughts, there is a chance you can get a baby. It's not as high of a chance as the 7-10 range, but it''s possible... not even rare! Don't let money stand in your way.

Beyond that, I understand that that route may not be in your plans. And that's okay. Saying "enough is enough" is such a hard thing to say. I don't think it needs to be an absolute decision, either. With our decision to move to adopt, it's gradual. We went from pursuing all options to slowly backing up. We stopped with the expensive RE treatments. We just did a few minor tests and attempts. We turned in the FC2A application at this point. Next, we are backing off of doctor's appointments at all. We are just doing the regular TTC thing (temping, OPKs, TI, etc). After another few cycles, I plan to stop timing everything. I won't ever go back on birth control or anything, but I will stop tracking my cycles. This isn't all necessarily permanent either. Once we become a tad more stable (DH is finishing up his degree and I want to go get my masters, which is why finances are tight), we might move back into this realm and go for the IVF or whatever.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that all decisions don't have to be exact and final. They are allowed to be fluid. Do what is right for you.

LadyMillil · September 2016

It's an incredibly personal decision. We decided we'd likely stop after 1 round of IVF, unless there was a good chance that a second round would be successful. We've talked about adoption but are not sure that's the right choice for us.

Marley629 · September 2016

I agree with the above that it is a very personal decision. We will exhaust all of our options to conceive a biological child but if we are unable to, we too will proceed with adoption through the foster care system. While I would love to adopt a little baby, I'm not opposed to an older child either. I just know, for me at this point, despite all the bad stuff being thrown at me, I'm not ready to give up on my dream of expanding family. I just don't feel we are complete.

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