March 2017 Moms
UnicornsPlease
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Why My Pregnant Self is Crying - 9/5
UnicornsPlease
member
So I TOTALLY forgot it was Monday yesterday--whoops. Hope everyone had a nice, tear-free long weekend. But, if you didn't...what's got you weepy?
Me: 30, mild DOR
Him: 31, totes fine.
IUI #1: 5 follicles, cycle cancelled :-/
IUI #2: 1 follicle, BFP, chemical
IVF #1: 12 follicles, 9 eggs, 1 fresh 5dt and 4 on ice. BFP, beta #1: 326, beta #2: 841
Him: 31, totes fine.
IUI #1: 5 follicles, cycle cancelled :-/
IUI #2: 1 follicle, BFP, chemical
IVF #1: 12 follicles, 9 eggs, 1 fresh 5dt and 4 on ice. BFP, beta #1: 326, beta #2: 841
Re: Why My Pregnant Self is Crying - 9/5
BFP#1 1/21/14 ended in loss DNC 3/5/14
BFP#2 7/2014 Baby Girl born 4/15/15
BFP#3 2/10/2016 natural mc 2/27/2016
BFP#4 6/25/2016 Due 3/2/2017
For some reason this whole exchange made me cry hysterically in the hallway while my husband distracted him with brushing their teeth. In fact I'm crying while writing this.
DH: 37
DD: 03/17/17
DS: 12/06/19
I don't know if any of the Momma's out there saw the picture of the one identical twin hugging and smiling at his brother who was all wired up. Well it went pretty viral and I happen to live in the same town as them so since I'm pregnant with identical twins and all that, I've been following them pretty closely. Their names are Hawk and Mason. Mason is the healthier twin who wasn't hooked up or anything and Hawk has had surgery and difficulties since he was born. Last night, Hawk passed away in his sleep. My heart is completely breaking for Mom and Dad and I just can't imagine. So when I read that this morning, I started crying so hard. I'm still getting teary eyed. I know nothing that anyone can say can take her pain away but I really hope that Mom and Dad are both coping as best as they possibly can. He was truly a little fighter.
It's hard to describe to people who have wanted kids all their lives what this indifference feels like but I'm just missing the instinct that drives people to have children. I always have. I don't feel bad about that, but it's scary to have done a 180 on such a big life decision. I sometimes feel like a big faker here in this group b/c everyone is so excited and this seems so natural to all of you. I've alluded to this a few times before and have gotten nothing but encouragement, support, and understanding, and I appreciate that so much. It takes a lot of maturity and compassion to relate to something that to many of you is probably not very relatable, and to provide the thoughtful advice that many of you have. I also feel like a faker around my parents who are so excited for us. I do have a couple friends I can talk to who are the same as me in that they don't want kids - only they stayed true to themselves and actually don't have children. Now I feel like a faker around them too. Ugh. Anyway, I feel like this is a bit of a self-indulgent rant and I'm sorry about that. I just feel like I'm having a giant identity crisis with a live person that I'm going to be largely responsible for as a consequence. I'm going to continue to take care of myself and try to be as healthy as possible throughout this but I wish I wasn't in this position. I hate going to the doctors and am sick of it. And every time I hear someone say, "oh you think this is bad, just wait", I want to punch them. It doesn't make me feel happy or prepared, it makes me feel even more dread and anxiety about what's to come, and even more doubtful that we did the right thing. No tears really, but I just feel angry at myself for getting myself into this somewhat irreversible situation.
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Thank you very much for taking the time to read my post and for the thoughtful response. You ladies never cease to amaze me with your wisdom, even when the subject is not so comfortable. You're right, I do feel a bit lighter after sharing that, which is why it felt a bit self-indulgent. I love the "Impostor Syndrome", I'm going to adopt that. At least being honest with you, I feel less fake, even though my perspective is different than most here. There are times I feel OK about this, but they are fleeting and haven't ever reached the level of actually excitement. This has just been a tough week. I really appreciate your thoughts and the prayers. I'll take 'em! Thank you again.
ETA Thank you also @Gators&BoSox. I tried sharing this with my mom over the weekend and although she was somewhat sympathetic, I could see her struggling to relate. I know the way I feel isn't necessarily "abnormal" but it's not the norm either. I'm a woman, I'm supposed to want a baby - but I can't understand that feeling. I know you're right, once it's here I'll probably feel a little better. I love my nieces & nephew so much and their hugs make me feel like a million dollars. I'm sure it will be a great feeling when it's my own little person.
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DH: 37
DD: 03/17/17
DS: 12/06/19
I don't know if you find that information helpful or not, but that's at least what helped in my situation.
I I have been super sick this week (like stomach bug- had me in the ER severely dehydrated) and I'm feeling oddly paranoid about losing my job right now because I've had to miss work a few times recently due to sickness. And it makes me a little angry, because I love my job but I don't need this kind of worry right now. I'm also worried about the baby right now because of how sick and dehydrated I was!
But the tears are coming because I just feel so guilty for working full time. I love my job but is it worth missing this precious time with my son? He is growing up so fast and these days I'm lucky if I get a couple hours in with him in a day, and half of that time is spent trying to get us out the door in the morning, trying to make dinner, feeling so exhausted and not really able to be present with him, etc. It is so not fair to him. I HATE that he is having to spend 8-9 hours per day at daycare. It doesn't seem right.
But it the thing is, guys- I have about 100k in student loan debt. This is the stupid, awful price I have to pay for my higher education. My husband is the breadwinner because I'm a social worker, but I make decent enough money and our only debt is my student loan debt so he is not sympathetic when it comes to me working.
Wahhhhhh. Ok I just bawled my head off while typing that, and honestly I feel like it helped a little.
Married in April 2007
One Furbaby - Adorable Pitt Mix
15 Months TTC....2nd Cycle of Letrozole - Success!
Expecting our first two little miracles - Boy/Girl Twins! - EDD March 3, 2017
High Risk Pregnancy - Type 1 Diabetic; Hypothyroidism; Di/Di Twin Pregnancy
@npaulie I certainly did find your comments helpful, thank you. I do need to have a real serious conversation w/H. It's been hard b/c we've both been traveling so much we don't see each other for long stretches and when we do it's like 2 days of getting things done and trying to have a little fun together. Not to mention we're both exhausted. Our lives don't lend themselves to kids, which is another factor in my feeling like we're trying to force a square peg into a round hole. I do like your idea of making the effort to carve out couple time and am filing that into my mind for our talk that I hope to have tomorrow.
@jem89 You're so right about the one-uppers! I shouldn't let them get to me. It's not just that though, I hate when anyone makes a reference to this pregnancy (immediate family and the few close friends I've told). I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin and I hate that it's becoming evident to other people. Pregnancy is very unnatural to me, even though it's done by millions of women every year. I know not everyone enjoys the whole pregnancy journey, and that's somewhat comforting, but I just can't seem get past that feeling that this wasn't meant to be and that I'm forcing it.
@mamad233 You did make me smile, thank you! We don't live in Louisiana anymore, sadly! I'll tell you our secret though, we order lots of our food from Cajun Grocer online. You can get andouille, crawfish monica, alligator sausage, roux, etc. It's worth it! And thank you also for the advice. It's refreshing to hear that even people who really wanted this have reservations and uncertainty about the future.
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I watched that a few weeks ago! that was what I cried about too!!!!!!!!
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