Managing visitors

crabcake18 · August 2016

im a ftm and knew a struggle after my son was born would be managing visitors. Working really hard to not overwhelm ourselves while having our huge family meet baby. But goodness, people are being rather disrespectful! asserting boundaries to the same family members over again is really giving me anxiety. How are you ladies coping/staying sane amidst sleep deprivation, caring for your baby and meeting family? I'm just being really honest with ppl (hubs is going back to work soon, we already hv ppl coming ect.), snuggling my baby as much as possible, and walking to help cope.

ebilbao · August 2016

With our first, I just let everyone come when they wanted and it was too overwhelming. This time around, I've made DH the bad guy who informs everyone that it's time for us to nap and thank you for coming (i.e.-please leave now). I also
dont feel as bad saying that this morning isn't a good time or tomorrow would be better. It might sound rude, but just ignoring phone calls and texts until I know what to say works, too.

ShanRum3 · August 2016

I don't mind the visitors. They all seem to be spaced out, but right now my Mother in law is here and she's annoying as F. She just needs to shut the F up! Things are a lot different now than they were 37 years ago when DH was born!

kwilliams3402 · August 2016

We said any immediate family was welcome to visit in the hospital but we did make up and enforce visiting hours and I wasn't shy about kicking people out to feed baby. Visitors were a little tiring, but having a Nicu baby for 5 days actually made having all the family there nice--some could spend time with me and some could keep baby company. Once we got home, we had everyone leave except for my mom, who stayed for a week. We didn't have other visitors. We had a week and a half break before my mother-in-law came to stay for a week. Overall, my advice would be to set clear expectations for visitors, and having some visitors may turn out to be more helpful than you anticipate going into delivery.

crabcake18 · August 2016

I definitely think I need to get better at letting people know when it's time to leave. I like the idea of hubs being the enforcer, takes some pressure off me. I think it will get better too once all the immediate family (great aunts/uncles) meet lo too. Thanks ladies!

ThisisNumber3 · August 2016

I am rude if needed. I will swoop the baby up and go to our room to feed laying down in bed. DH can either entertain or kick them out.

Katm89 · August 2016

DH came up with a plan where its an open house day... possibly 2 weeks after the baby.... we'll order some pizzas.. inform them that we will have some pizzas but if they want something else to bring it.. and having visiting hours... and then we will have done it all in one day. I also am not anticipating being too shy to just take the baby upstairs to feed.

Fremdschamen · August 2016

I'm lucky because I don't have many friends/family that are pushy with visiting. Anyone who comes to visit or asks to visit gets a warning that I will be breastfeeding and that if they aren't comfortable with it, then they should stay away. I refuse to have to sequester myself in my own home!

And yes, I agree with others that if you/baby needs a nap, you should simply thank people for coming and tell them you need to go put the baby down for a nap now.

Also, anyone who comes to your house without food or a gift and expects you to feed them is completely crazy in my mind! If we had visitors during meal times, I usually just said, "I'm not doing any cooking these days" and let them read between the lines.

texasmama2014 · August 2016

...So I'm obviously still pregnant but yesterday we mentioned to MIL and SIL that we weren't really wanting anyone besides immediate family to visit in the hospital (AKA: we don't want his Gpas new girlfriend to come). FIL just had influenza A & B, and my aunt just recovered from pneumonia. Not really into letting a bunch of people in my room when I'm bleeding out the vag and tired as f, much less some woman I've met one time. Hell no she's not touching my kid. I have coworkers that I consider more family than some of my ILs.

That's my rant... But at least it had to do with visitors?

bearsandbeets7 · August 2016

@Katm89 that's a good idea but it is possible for LO to get fussy from too much interaction. We had DD at the very end of October so she was only 3 weeks old on thanksgiving. We did thanksgiving lunch with my family and then thanksgiving dinner with my inlaws and by the time we finally got home she was really fussy and it just ended up being way too much. Too many people holding her, too much of being passed around, and it ended up being hard on us too. I would just keep that in mind.

ashleybaker712 · August 2016

I wish I would have come up with a plan ahead of time. While in the hospital, my mom came and stayed all day for the 2 full days we were there. I tried saying I was going to nap, feed the baby, etc. She wouldn't leave. We don't have a great relationship so it was exhausting.

lotsofsunshine · August 2016

I agree with @Fremdschamen , I'm not going to hide in my room to nurse baby. Maybe because I've been down this road before, but its my house. If you don't want to see me feed my kid, there's the door. The only visitor I foresee having an issue with is my own mother. She is very intrusive and will make excuses to keep hanging around. Luckily, DH knows how to handle her that way I don't have to.

katie121209 · August 2016

Baby hasn't arrived yet and I'm dreading both hospital and home visitors!! My mom is staying for a month and she's amazing help, not intrusive, will leave me alone for the day if I ask her to. But DH has different family coming to stay every weekend and I just want to cry because they are the opposite of helpful. I'm probably going to end up locking the door to the nursery most of the time while I'm feeding and napping (there is a bed in there.)

Stephanie7693 · August 2016

I didn't really have an issue with visitors. Only a few people came to the hospital, and only my inlaws didn't ask first (they did let dh know the day before that they would be up at some point the next day, so it was fine). And they only dtayed about a half hour. The friends and family that came to the house asked first, and nobody stayed too long without being helpful. Part of it is our family is pretty good about things like that, and the other part if we have so few friends! Lol and not once did I feed baby anywhere other than where I was when he got hungry. I did let everyone know when I was going to whip out a boob, but it wasn't an issue for them or me. Maybe my FIL a little, but he tried so hard to look away and be ok with it that it was cute. Especially since the man has no filter on his mouth

cinnabonjovi · August 2016

I think the one I'm gonna have trouble with is my mom. She even asked to be in delivery with me, to which I said a flat out NO. I probably won't mind visitors at the hospital but if people start trying to crowd into our small house I'll probably lose it between guests and the dog. lol

entropicallyfavored · August 2016

@cinnabonjovi It might sound a little harsh, bit we told people that we could only take 1 set of visitors per day at our house, and that they would have to get on the schedule. That worked really well for us and everyone seemed to understand.

bearsandbeets7 · August 2016

We put our foot down with the in laws visiting. MIL is the only one who came and she only visited once but she's been bugging DH about when she can come back. We have a complicated relationship with her so I felt incredibly awkward the whole time she was here and I told DH that I need a few more weeks before she comes back, if she even does. She didn't even hold the baby longer than 5 minutes and kept trying to be an echo parent. Whenever we would tell DD no, she would repeat to DD what we just said and it was frustrating me to no end. She's lucky I didn't end up bitching her out but I was feeling non confrontational.

kwilliams3402 · August 2016

cinnabonjovi said:

I think the one I'm gonna have trouble with is my mom. She even asked to be in delivery with me, to which I said a flat out NO. I probably won't mind visitors at the hospital but if people start trying to crowd into our small house I'll probably lose it between guests and the dog. lol

We told people before baby arrived that we would only have one set of visitors at a time once we got home from the hospital, and they all had to fit in the guest room. Totally support you on this!

tmk0325 · August 2016

Since we have two babies and need some help the only way we have allowed visitors is if they are able to come and help with a feeding. They have to be willing to come during a scheduled time (on a 3 hr schedule) and have to be able to give a bottle with us. I like visiting but not when I have shit to do or need sleep.

kwilliams3402 · August 2016

tmk0325 said:

Since we have two babies and need some help the only way we have allowed visitors is if they are able to come and help with a feeding. They have to be willing to come during a scheduled time (on a 3 hr schedule) and have to be able to give a bottle with us. I like visiting but not when I have shit to do or need sleep.

One baby here, but we haven't been shy about putting visitors to work and having that expectation up front.

crabcake18 · September 2016

Love that you ladies have been putting your visitors to work! Some people have brought us food but lately visitors have been showing up very late and saying they'll bring food and then not which is not nice. Thinking we're at the end of visiting now and I'm so relieved it's over. My (new) stepmother told me yesterday that she can baby sit anytime which she's mentioned each time I've seen her, (LO is only 3weeks old!!) and when I joked "maybe in six months" (hoping this would make her stop) she lectured me on not forgetting about my marriage, ugh! #awkward #whydopplforgetwhatitsliketohaveababy
#longesthashtagever

Managing visitors

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