December 2016 Moms
dmontgo
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[OLD THREAD] Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 8.30
dmontgo
member
Is it almost September, but your family is still driving you nuts, or are you on a healing journey? Join us!
How did your self-care go last week?
Bonus: Tell us 3 things you like about yourself--yes, brag! Don't attach negative qualifiers to the statement: "I like my smile even though I think I'm ugly," etc. Be positive and loving towards yourself!
How did your self-care go last week?
Bonus: Tell us 3 things you like about yourself--yes, brag! Don't attach negative qualifiers to the statement: "I like my smile even though I think I'm ugly," etc. Be positive and loving towards yourself!
Re: [OLD THREAD] Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 8.30
1. I am caring and empathetic to people, animals, and the universe around me. I think this helps me be a great wife, friend, and citizen.
2. I like my red hair--it fills me with confidence and reminds me to appreciate the attributes I was born with.
3. I appreciate my sense of humor and the ability I have to help others smile when they are feeling down or lonely.
To top it off, when the babies arrive, I have to rely on her for one full day of daycare for the babies, and she has admitted to me that while watching SIL's boys, she has left the house to run errands while they sleep... WTF! This is the woman I am supposed to be trusting with my children?
In comparison to some people, I have it great, I know. It's just with my mom being sick, I look at MIL and wish she was a better person. Sorry if that sounds horrible.
DH is so much better at dealing with her than I am. He always tells me, "Just ignore her." But it's easier said than done.
Goal for this week... figure out how to not have to have MIL watch boys for one full day!
@dmontgo Love the bonus question!
Three things I love about myself:
1. I am really good at cuddling!
2. I have legs for days!
3. I have a great smile!
1. I do a great job of making the kids that I work with feel valued and like they have an ally at school.
2. I try my best to be a kind person first, even if I am feeling snarky to someone. Kill them with kindness!
3. I am a fabulous Mom to my DS.
That definitely makes you a great wife, friend, and citizen! And red hair? Jealous! I secretly think red headed people are superheros. My grandma had red hair, and I am still holding out hope that one of my boys will surprise us with ginger locks.
@acreight13
It takes a special person to be good to their own children (because lets face it, some parents out there are crappy), let alone other peoples too. That is awesome, great job!
1) I am strong and can overcome any obstacle I face.
2) I am confident in my ability to be a mother.
3) I am human and appreciate my ability to turn my failures into opportunities to learn and grow.
@Amecsey That does sound frustrating, and the organized, planning side of me is cringing. >.< It does sound like she's coming from a place of love--some people cannot plan parties or vacations or events in general for the life of them! Be firm, but take a deep breath and know it's going to be ok. I wouldn't be cool with her leaving my children alone, though! Is she the only option right now?
Reading this makes me realize how much I've sucked at self care recently. I can't even think of three things I like about myself right now. Ugh.
DH and I have decided to remove FIL from our lives, at least temporarily. I've posted about FIL here before, but the backstory is that FIL is going through his (third) divorce. At the beginning, he contacted me to try to get legal advice. He was very vulgar, cruel, and horrible about SMIL to me, which really upset me (they're getting divorced because FIL cheated). I referred him to a lawyer and told him I was unable to help him or discuss this issue with him. He tried to get me to keep the whole thing a secret from the rest of the family, including DH, which I was very uncomfortable with. He continued to try to get legal advice from me even after he hired a lawyer. Not once has he asked how the baby is, how DS is, how I'm feeling, etc. The only reason he contacts DH or me is to try to get legal advice.
DH was upset that his dad was taking advantage of me and not respecting my boundaries. He told his dad to stop discussing this issue with me. That, of course, didn't stop him. So we basically continued to make ourselves scarce with FIL.
A couple times recently he's texted saying he's in the neighborhood and can he come over (which is bizarre - he lives a solid hour away from us, and you have to go through city traffic to get from his home to ours). Each time, I was at work and DH was either at work or otherwise not home. I told him that. Then a couple weeks ago, he texted that he was in the neighborhood and could he come over. I was at work and DH was at the store. I said, "I'm sorry, I'm not home. Try calling DH. Let's make plans soon. Last minute stuff is really hard for us because we're so busy." He got really pissed. The next day he proceeded to blow up my phone and DH's phone while we were both at work, berating us for not being available for him to stop by. He said a bunch of crappy things about DH, told me that I must think I'm the president and that people need appointments to see me, etc., etc. It was really terrible.
After all this, we decided that it's best to block him from our lives for the time being. He is a toxic person who has caused DH a lot of damage over the years (there is a lot more to that story), and he is basically a leach. I'm really relieved to not have to worry about him contacting us (we literally blocked him on our phones). I hate that it had to come to this, but I have a low tolerance for people who are verbally abusive, and DH does too.
Anyway, if you got through this, thanks for listening!
Me: 33 H: 36
Married: 12/14/13 DS: 1/29/09
BFP2: 10/9/15 MMC: 11/12/15
BFP3: 4/6/16 DD: 12/12/16
Self care - I got myself a little pampering kit from Earth Mama Angel Baby and I love it, everything smells so good.
3 things:
1. I am super honest, like virtually incapable of telling a lie. I like that people can trust me to be truthful in pretty much any situation.
2. I am unabashedly weird and have learned, for the most part, to embrace my weirdness and not worry about conforming.
3. I care deeply about the people in my life and the world at large, and I'm proud that those are values I can pass on to my kids.
I appreciate the heck out of this one. This is something I feel like enables a person to live their best life. Just finding their thing, whatever it is, doing it unabashedly.
I sat this week watching this guy on youtube make medieval swords - not because I'm into sword making - but because I'm really into that he's into sword making this much. He looks like a person straight out of a Renaissance festival (and I mean that in the most positive, coolest way possible) and his profession is making these huge, rad swords and selling them to other people who dig swords.
My dad is a guitarist and not just in the way of "likes to dabble," he's really talented, very into fingerstyle, has a basement full of guitars and music equipment. When he's not working, he's playing guitar either at home or with one of the two bands he's playing with right now. He's been into this exclusively since he was about seven years old. It's lead him to an alternative lifestyle that I for one think is very cool because I don't know anyone (other than some of his guitar buddies) who is like this. It's kind of inspirational.
This is my eventual goal. To be so unabashedly into my thing(s) that the weirdness just feels right. So anyway, I say all that to say again, I really love this quality you've chosen for yourself and give you an internet high five for it.
1. I'm a voracious reader. Total Anglophile. Literature Enthusiast. The more books the better. This year I set myself a goal of reading 100 books and I'm on book 96 so I'm totally going to smash that goal. I love being a big huge book nerd.
2. I really like my face. Not because I think I'm the prettiest or anything like that - I'm not self-depreciating, just clarifying that it's just that I like it. I wouldn't want to have anyone else's face even if I had a different body or something, I would always want my face just because it's mine. I've been looking at this one for my whole life, I think I would be quite disappointed to look in the mirror and see another one regardless of its comparative attractiveness.
3. I love my glasses. I've worn them for so long that I feel like they've become an extension of my identity. Rather than be embarrassed or wish I didn't have them, I've now become rather fond and attached to them. I just sprung for a new pair at the beginning of the summer that are bright indigo which just happens to be my favorite color. I've always said that if I were rich, I would buy dozens of pair to wear as quirky accessories.
I think it's great you came to the decision together, and truly, life is way too short to tolerate people that are abusive and controlling, especially when you have a little baby on the way. High fives and hugs to you!
1. I think you are very kind and caring. It's apparent in the way you talk about your DH and your family.
2. One Hump Day Bump Day you posted a picture that had your eyes in it---they are beautiful!
3. I admire the way you are handling the notion of twins. I can't imagine the pressure, but I do know that those babies will be so loved--you're really taking it in stride!
you just made my day
1. You are a great wife and mom! The amount of time you put into planning special things for your children is so admirable and really speaks to how much you want them to know how special they are to you. You seem to have a great relationship with DH, and have supported him through medical emergencies and relationship troubles---you rock!
2. Whenever you post your meal plan for the week, my mouth waters because you always have the best ideas for comfort food dinners!
3. You always reply to others' posts with thoughtful and supportive responses--it's easy to see that you are a good friend!
1 - I feel I have very strong maternal instincts that are turning out to be very effective.
2 - I don't make excuses. I get it done or I reassess.
3 - I'm great at making the most of my resources.
But of course, I felt bad because I didn't mention anything pregnancy or motherhood related! Now that I've thought more about it, just because I didn't mention those things doesn't mean I don't care about Ashton or that I'm going to be a bad mother. I'm still a work in progress, but everyday I'm making strides...and so are you!
@dmontgo I love this! So many times when we have issues with family, my self esteem and self worth tank.
@mamax2 my MIL did this with my second born. She was supposed to come and help after the baby was born but because we said no to something she wanted she accused me of being a master-minding schemer- which I wasn't being AT ALL. When the baby was born and we brought him home, it was the most quiet, accepting, loving, serene, non-stressed out environment for me, DH and DD and DS.
Sometimes their lack of participation in life's big events are really a blessing in disguise. I also wouldn't let her get to you, it only reinforces bad behavior and let's her know that she's getting her way (even inadvertently). I have been in a similar situation and I'm sorry. I know it's hard to go through and it's hard to watch DH deal with the fall out from his mom.
3 things about me:
1. I'm fiercely loyal.
2. I'm a pretty good cook, it's not all necessarily healthy but it's darned good!
3. I'm super friendly and great at making friends. I can talk paint off a wall!
@slartybartfast I'm beginning to learn that that is the type of person she is when others get more attention than her, or when her loved ones seemed more focused on others. DH filled me in on a whole lot more things that he wanted to keep from me, as to not make his mom out to be a horrible person from the get go. To say she is a person who needs to be the center of attention all the time, is an understatement, and just scratching the surface of who she is.
She definitely is coming from a place of love, and that is what I try and tell myself to calm down. Unfortunately my mom is having surgery in the next week and that will be followed by a round of chemo. I was going to do two full days of daycare, and my mom and dad would take a day, MIL would take a day, and i have Fridays off. But the thought of MIL having an entire day freaks me out too much, so I am now doing three days of daycare, which leaves my parents with a day, and her as a backup, way better setup, and it's not stressing me out anymore.
All of you ladies dealing with the difficult parents and toxic people - hugs to you. I cut my mom off a few weeks ago and it's still hard.
As for what's driving me crazy....I've even kinda refrained from reading much on TB this week. My anxiety has been very high this past week or so and since cutting my mom off after she went off on me and physically assaulted siblings... now my sister has told me I've "punished her enough" (this is very obviously straight from mom) and that I'm "acting like a middle schooler" by blocking her on social media and phone. Also my sister relays info about how my mom is still being terrible to her....I try to be supportive to my sister but it's also kind of an invasion of my peace to hear about this stuff.
My brother is at least understanding of my stance and respects my decisions, but admitted to me this week that he's upset with how I've "handled things" by not responding or returning boxes of things my mother mailed to me. (All items were disposed of). It's not that I didn't expect this, they are still within her grasp. But I did not expect to be so upset or drained by the interactions. Also, a family friend had reached out to me supportively a few weeks ago - said she and my mother had a falling out and discussed at great length how horrible my mom is for all she's done. Now they're "friends" again. How many people do I have to cut out!?
So this week I've fully immersed myself in baby projects and have been lost in my own thoughts. At times this is not constructive. Self-care - I got myself a pedicure.
My list:
1. I am a crafty individual. I enjoy making things, especially as gifts. It makes me happy to see people enjoying my projects. It also saves money. Making things for the baby has freed up cash to spend on larger items.
2. My ability to be assertive has gotten much stronger during this pregnancy, and I'm proud of myself. It also makes me feel good that I can do things with my child's future in mind, and my choices are not selfish.
3. I'm a pretty good cook.
ETA: Wow...sorry it's so long y'all...
You already know this, but I think it's worth reminding you that you are NOT being immature by setting these boundaries. You are NOT in the wrong. I know it's hard to feel empowered when they are beating you up emotionally, but they are doing that because you ARE strong. Your mom doesn't have control over your anymore, and it's scary for her, so she clamps down on your siblings more, making them scared that they will have to endure an increased brunt of rage from your mom. Those things are not your problem, and not your fault.
You are a lovely person and we are all rooting for you!
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
Thank you both! It is really good to have the support of people who understand, but are not involved.
I've been responding to my siblings' "mom statements" with less words the past few days. It seems to help, though obviously this is all work in progress. I usually say "This isn't a 'punishment' this is a decision DH & I made to keep us and our family safe from the negativity".
After years of dealing with it, though, it's hard not to get really defensive and explain myself thoroughly. I'm trying!!!
My dad will comment on my looks, whether it's I'm fat, or ugly, or have a big nose, etc...and when I finally started standing up to him about it, he would always say that I'm "too sensitive," or obviously I didn't get that it was all a "joke"... he just said those things because he didn't want to take responsibility for hurting my feelings. It's just so hurtful to say ugly things and then try to make it the other persons fault when their feelings gets hurt. It's hard to let those kind of things roll off your back!
Good for you for talking to her about it, even if she didn't take responsibility.