Anxious about life with baby

RG1 · September 2016

Holy hormones. I am feeling so overwhelmed today thinking about the baby. I don't feel "connected" to him the last few days. As DD draws closer, I am overwhelmed by anxiety of delivery and can't focus on the fact that we are starting a family at the end of it. I have this overwhelming feeling that I won't love the baby and can't conceptualize what life is going to be like. We have wanted a family for so long but now I am freaking out. And not even sure about what?

Any BTDT moms go through this and can share their experience post birth? Any other FTMs feeling this way?

frogdog06 · September 2016

Yes, absolutely!! (And btw, very normal feelings.) LO is three weeks today (huzzah!) and there are days during which I (as a FTM) just feel like I really miss my old self and my old life with DH. We could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted but now everything revolves around LO. I dearly miss traveling with my girlfriends (one is solo trekking in Japan now) and I miss my old body that wasn't chained to producing milk every few hours. DH also goes back to work next week and I have no effing clue what I'm going to be doing by myself at home with LO, our puppy, and our cat especially since we tag team with LO.

That being said, when LO is in my arms and when she smiles and squirms my heart just melts away and I think about how perfect she is and how much we both love her. She is our huge life adjustment and while the #TeamNoSleep has been difficult, she is everything I would have wanted her to be and I am looking forward to the months to come.

Just wait until your LO arrives and you find out how wonderful DH truly is (despite his blunders) and your heart will just swell up with love for both. Really.

RG1 · September 2016

@frogdog06 Thanks for the support. I'm glad to know I am not alone in these feelings. I get excited about the baby when I look at the clothes we picked together and picture him in them. And H lays on my stomach every night we watch tv and loves feeling the baby move. That makes me excited too because he says he just can't wait to hold his son. I was with my friend and her baby today and her baby is so cute that I just wanna eat her up, and she's not even my own! I'm happy to hear the reality of life after baby but that seeing your baby makes it all worth it

hejo2016 · September 2016

This is baby #3 for us and I don't think I've been more terrified! I'm well aware of what's in store, I know sleep will blow, my boobs will hurt, my other 2 kids will act out. Add in being overwhelmed about lack of time and money and I feel like I'm hyperventilating when I start over thinking things. This baby is very loved and will be very welcomed into our home, but we thought we were done with 2. I had an IUD in for almost 3 yrs when I got pregnant, so to say I was shocked is an understatement. Now that we're nearing the end, I can't help wonder how the heck this will all work!? But when I think about all the baby snuggles and being able to do this all over again when I thought it would never happen, I do get excited. And being team green, it makes me excited to find out what little mystery is in there and what we will learn from this little one that just HAD to join our family

Deep breaths...

drabong88 · September 2016

I feel the same way. I am worried how things are going to change between me and DH. I also feel ridiculously clingy to DH, he was out of town for a work conferencd from Sunday till last night and I felt emotional and lonely the whole time he was gone. Of course whenever he has been out of town before I have missed him but these horomones took it to a whole new level, I felt like I wanted cry the whole time he was gone. All of our friends with kids say it's the best thing in the world and they wouldn't change a thing, I believe them but it's so scary sometimes!

hey_clever_girl · September 2016

RG1 said:

Holy hormones. I am feeling so overwhelmed today thinking about the baby. I don't feel "connected" to him the last few days. As DD draws closer, I am overwhelmed by anxiety of delivery and can't focus on the fact that we are starting a family at the end of it. I have this overwhelming feeling that I won't love the baby and can't conceptualize what life is going to be like. We have wanted a family for so long but now I am freaking out. And not even sure about what?

Any BTDT moms go through this and can share their experience post birth? Any other FTMs feeling this way?

As a STM, I can tell you this is completely normal. Please don't beat yourself up over feeling this way. Having a baby is HARD. Saying goodbye to your old life and your old self is HARD. The person you are before motherhood ceases to exist when you have a baby, and it takes a while to get familiar with your new self. It took me over a year after the birth of my daughter, to be honest. I wish someone had told me just how hard it is emotionally. And it's not like that for everyone - some women fall right into motherhood without skipping a beat. I wasn't one of them, and it's okay if it takes you a while to figure it out, too. You'll be great, mama.

Kimmy717 · September 2016

I had a lot of these feelings when i first found out i was pregnant back in January(that seems like 789 years ago btw). The one thing i constantly remember is when i shared the news with my mom one thing she said to me was, "if you have your mind right, you will be just fine". Well, it took me probably 3 to 4 months but i finally accepted life will change and be extremely different than what i was used to. I still have twinges of these "ill miss my old lifestyle" feelings every now and then but i just think about how much my daughter is loved and how many experiences i want to share with her and it makes it all feel worth it. My SO is on the road 5-6 days a week and will only be around for a week after baby girl is born but we will adjust. im not saying there wont be rough times but you have to get your mind right and youll be just fine.

KimmySchmidt · September 2016

@runningisrad I'm going to get real with you. Real real. I felt the same way through out most of my pregnancy.

And then when the baby was born, of course I felt love for my baby. But not the instant flowery love you read about so often. It was a connection, but it was offset by an overwhelming sense of responsibility. I wouldn't call the baby a burden, but actually facing the sacrifices is another ball of wax. My body felt destroyed forever, I had to leave my job which I loved, and I was up around he clock breastfeeding. My husband made none of these sacrifices (he did get up at and help at night but he doesn't have boobs, it turns out, so it fell mostly on me.)
And then the thought of making these off balance sacrifices for 18+ years. It weighs heavily. You read about this instant bond, and it was there. But I where I pictured a rope there was still just a string, if that makes sense. I wondered if I didn't love the baby enough.

It was a hard transition. But my connection to my daughter grew with time. Little things, like the first time she smiled, made a HUGE difference. She's my world now.

So, my point is, even if your worst fears are realized, and you don't feel some magical instant connection, know that it's ok if the love takes a little time, and forgive yourself for that.

Cricket Bug · September 2016

I had a hard time bonding with DD. I was overwhelmed and anxious, and I had a hard time finding my rhythm with life with this new little stranger. But wait for that first perfect sleepy snuggle, that first smile, the first time your DH holds LO, and it makes you want to burst. I don't feel hugely connected to this LO either, but I have changed my headspace to be okay with that. I will be. I will get to know him and all of his unique quirks and character and I will let him get to know me. I think the biggest mistake I made in the early days of DD was trying to be that perfect mother right off the bat and falling short of my expectations for myself. You will all be learning, and it's a steep curve.

As for the anxiety about delivery... that part is only temporary. A blip of time in the whole grand scheme of things.

LakeR2014 · September 2016

RG1 said:

Holy hormones. I am feeling so overwhelmed today thinking about the baby. I don't feel "connected" to him the last few days. As DD draws closer, I am overwhelmed by anxiety of delivery and can't focus on the fact that we are starting a family at the end of it. I have this overwhelming feeling that I won't love the baby and can't conceptualize what life is going to be like. We have wanted a family for so long but now I am freaking out. And not even sure about what?

Any BTDT moms go through this and can share their experience post birth? Any other FTMs feeling this way?

@RG1 Thank you for this post! It's like you went inside my head and took my thoughts from me. I'm terrified as we get closer about the changes LO will bring and about all that being a mom entails. I'm worried I won't have that 'magical' connection at first sight and wonder how I'll be a good mom and still be a good wife to DH. The feeling is exactly as you stated...overwhelming. Like you I don't 'feel' any strong connection to LO, I've tried but to me it's still a little one in my belly, almost a figment of my imagination. I can feel it kick and react but until I see it, hold it, squish it, and have concrete evidence (like my huge belly isn't enough), I feel like my brain hasn't switched to 'OMG we're having a baby it's the most amazing thing!'

Don't get me wrong, I'm very excited and I do daydream about future events with LO, but at times it seems surreal, and thanks to the ladies on here and friend IRL I know it's normal. I'm excited about delivery and cannot wait to meet the newest member of our family. The changes will be hard, and there will be a lot of them, but seeing LOs face and DH with them, I know will make it all worth it.

RG1 · September 2016

Thanks for the support everyone. You ladies are the best. I've suffered with depression in the past and last night felt like PPD was already happening. But now I feel more normal. I'm still going to keep a close eye on things though.

Like @laker2014 said, the whole thing is so surreal and I have such a hard time picturing an actual baby in me. Rationally, I know he has hands, feets, eyes, and I'll be like "THAT was in me?!" Irrationally, I just picture a clump of cells in me that aren't formed into a baby. I'm sure this is normal because the whole experience is so wild.

I cannot wait to see H interact with the baby. He shows SO much love for him already. I am also excited about things down the road, but I know it's hard in the beginning when you don't receive much feedback from your baby in the form of smiles. I guess I'm overly preparing myself for the worst because I know it won't be rainbows and butterflies. That's either going to help me or mess with me! I also had a mini freak out after my appointment yesterday because finding out I was 80% effaced already made it so real. Like shit is happening down there and within 2 weeks I'll have a baby and there's nothing to do to stop it. When I told H about the cervical check, he got a bit nervous too from nerves. I talked with him last night about how I'm feeling anxious and scared and want to be excited. We've agreed to let us both be scared up until the moment our son is born. Obviously we will be "scared" after but that will be typical new parent jitters and not pre-delivery jitters.

sarahg8r · September 2016

I definitely didn't have that immediate bond, and I felt like I was bonded throughout my pregnancy. I remember my parents, DH and ILs all cooing and saying how beautiful he was...this was within the first hour...and I thought, huh not really! I think a lot of it for me was just being overwhelmed with everything I'd just been through. After 10 months of pregnancy and 17 hours of labor, I was exhausted! But I did feel that bond pretty quickly...definitely within a few days.

The next 6-8 months were rough, though. My son did not sleep through the night ONE TIME until he was 8 months old. I also ended up not going back to work after our daycare fell through. Breastfeeding was way harder than I expected. And the 55lbs I gained didn't fall off. In fact, I left the hospital a whopping 15lbs lighter...WTH?!

I don't think I had postpartum depression, but I definitely felt like my life would never be the same, and I just remember thinking I didn't feel like myself anymore. Wine didn't even taste good anymore, lol.

BUT, I did finally get into a groove and I felt like myself again. Most importantly, wine tasted good again.

And obviously, I like being a mother so much, I've decided to do it again. So just know that it will be OK. It just might not happen instantly.

RG1 · September 2016

About not feeling like yourself after baby comes. Does anyone feel that way now? I try so hard to focus on things I enjoyed pre-pregnancy but I'm so preoccupied by baby things. Sometimes it feels like I'm watching my life through someone else's eyes, like a weird dissociation with my life. If that's not normal, I may need to go talk to someone... Lol.

pizzaandwine · September 2016

Totally normal, @RG1! I felt that way before the last one and again now. We have constant reminders that there is a human living inside us (movement, discomfort, heartburn, etc.), so it's not like we can forget. And I don't know about you, but I'm too tired and huge to feel like doing anything these days, so there's not much TO do, except sit around thinking about the baby. In a lot of ways, you're actually NOT yourself - you're a totally different version of you right now (internally, externally, energy-wise, priority-wise), so it's normal to feel like someone else.

It DOES get better, but it takes awhile. When your body is more or less back to normal, and you are seeping through the night, and you are either back at work or in a routine once you start to leave the house without the baby and go do things, you start to feel like you again. For me, with this last baby, it wasn't until he was around a year old, but it's different for everyone. In the meantime, you just have to enjoy the time with the baby and know that there will be time to be you again...eventually.

Flowr4246 · September 2016

Totally normal. The last few weeks of pregnancy are pretty much torture. "Am I in labor? When will I go into labor? Ouch, that hurts. Ouch I can't breathe. Would you PLEASE stop kicking me in the ribs and the crotch at the same time?! How am I going to do this???" It's like a never ending stream of brain overload.

The good news? Once you get into the thick of labor, all that will fade away and you'll be left with just what you have to do to deliver safely. Nurses and doctors and your DH will help, of course, but it becomes a mind over matter thing for you and you really won't have to convince yourself of any of it. It becomes instinct to a huge degree.

Then when your LO arrives? You'll be so incredibly happy to have him/her in your arms that everything else just fades away. 'Mom-nesia' is real. You'll forget every care or pain you ever had and just focus on that babe. It will be OK.

MNturnsVA · September 2016

I too am glad you posted this because I am feeling the same way. To be completely honest- I feel like there were times throughout my pregnancy- including right now that I have been in denial of the whole thing.

Going through this was something I wanted so badly- and my DH and I have been together for 9 years total now. I was ready to stop taking my BC almost 3 years ago after we got married but we had other things going on and the timing was not quite right so we waited.

The TTC process was up and down- I had tried to tell myself it could take up to a year and it took almost 8 long, frustrating months and I turned into a different person then as well with all of those emotions.

I was very busy in the early pregnancy and it was probably the best thing- but now it's hard to believe 9 months has flown by and it's almost over. Also, my pregnancy overall has been pretty good- so I feel bad complaining about some of my "woes" because I know others have had it so much worse.

All that said- this could also be our only child- and that is overwhelming and brings a whole other set of feelings into the mix as well.

Thinking about some of the things we will be giving up is a reality check for us or for me anyways for sure- because my DH and I have been together for so long and are so used to doing what we want and having some freedoms we will no longer have- big reality check and cause of feeling disconnected for me.

I know all of this will change- there is just ALOT going on.....not to mention the whole waiting for something to happen thing.....My poor DH is way more anxious than I am.....Usually he is just getting up when I'm leaving for work but he sets an alarm and is up on his own. He must have forgotten to set his alarm last night so I went to go wake him and the first thing he said was " Are you ok? What's going on?" Poor thing....

The struggle is real- you are not alone.....and we'll just have to take the advice of all those who have gone down this road before us and know that it will change and get better!!

RG1 · September 2016

Support to all the other mamas to be feeling the same as me! We will get through this, especially with such a great group to chat to

vampirina · September 2016

@RG1 - I haven't felt like myself since those two lines turned pink. I don't even know how to describe it or explain it, but all the things I normally love - even easy and everyday things that I love like making dinner - seem overwhelmingly hard or just un-interesting. I keep hoping that I'll feel more like "myself" after pregnancy - a new and different mother-version of myself, of course, but more me, if that makes sense. I guess we'll see!

tinypikachu · September 2016

I definitely don't feel like myself and haven't ever since the first tri. I don't enjoy the same things, I'm constantly in a mood around others, I don't even like watching my favorite shows/movies. I think, for me, it's a hormonal thing. I don't feel distracted by baby thoughts, but I constantly just feel like a different person. I do worry that I'll never go back to my normal after almost 9 months of this, but I'm hoping it'll go away eventually.

As a FTM, I do feel anxiety about how heavy a thing it is to have a baby. I sometimes get hit by the "what are we doing?" thought, and "who are we to decide to bring a person into this world? We can't go back now, are we sure about this?". But it is all normal and many people do it. I do feel immensely connected to my LO and I separate pregnancy woes from her very well (which can be hard for some), but I know anything can happen when I see her and I do worry a little bit that I won't feel that instant bond everyone talks about. But, really, this is a major life change and it is only natural to feel this way. It'll be okay.

pdxmamatobe · September 2016

Love this post! I'm in the denial camp and I keep waiting for it to become more real but I think it will take actually holding my baby for it to really hit me. I'm so glad we have such supportive women on this board.

geminigirl16 · September 2016

I also am really happy that the initiative was taken to begin this post. I have struggled with mixed emotions the entire way through this pregnancy. I've partly also been in denial like some of the others and I think I still might be until this baby actually makes his appearance.

I have wondered if part if this disconnect is because this pregnancy came before we intended, I was in school part time, working full time and planning a wedding then I found out I was pregnant. The wedding has been postponed and I've come to terms that school will be a challenge to finish and will take longer than originally planned. Due to my age we knew that we couldn't wait that much longer but I guess in my head I was more thinking I'd have a baby in another year or too.

In reality, it's probably better now than later and thankfully my fiancé was thrilled when he found out I was pregnant. I am not sure what I'd do without him as he's been so confident and supportive of me the entire way through this pregnancy, giving me so much more credit than I give myself. I just cannot comprehend how my life, our lives actually, is going to change in a very short period of time and I hope that bond is there and if it's not immediately, I hope it grows quickly. I am fiercely independent and have difficulty asking for help and I know I am going to struggle with wanting to do everything myself and accepting assistance.

ETA: sitting waiting to see doctor and apparently wrote a novel

Tl:dr - I am also struggling with how my life is changing

AnnaS930 · September 2016

Just going to add myself to the list of people who didn't have the instant, tear-jerking emotional response to my son being born. I was in awe of him and loved him instantly but did not feel the insane bond. Even for the first few weeks, I loved him like made but it felt like I was taking care of a baby.. not necessarily MY baby. Very strange feeling and I worried if something was wrong (in retrospect I did later have PPA, so not sure if the two were tied at all, but I think that set in quite a bit later).

I am OBSESSED with him now, he is so much of my life and MY baby/toddler. It just happened over time without any big deal, sometime during those first weeks/months/etc.

Going into this baby I feel differently myself, maybe because I feel like 2 will be our magic number and this is my last baby or because i know how amazing everything will eventually be, but anticipating feeling the connection sooner - will have to report back how that turns out.

Cricket Bug · September 2016

AnnaS930 said:

Just going to add myself to the list of people who didn't have the instant, tear-jerking emotional response to my son being born. I was in awe of him and loved him instantly but did not feel the insane bond. Even for the first few weeks, I loved him like made but it felt like I was taking care of a baby.. not necessarily MY baby. Very strange feeling and I worried if something was wrong (in retrospect I did later have PPA, so not sure if the two were tied at all, but I think that set in quite a bit later).

I am OBSESSED with him now, he is so much of my life and MY baby/toddler. It just happened over time without any big deal, sometime during those first weeks/months/etc.

Going into this baby I feel differently myself, maybe because I feel like 2 will be our magic number and this is my last baby or because i know how amazing everything will eventually be, but anticipating feeling the connection sooner - will have to report back how that turns out.

Stuck in the box. But so much agreement with the bolded!

Shiva14 · September 2016

I

this community. I also didn't feel the instant, overwhelming love with DS (similar to others who have posted I loved him and wanted him to be safe, but it wasn't this miraculous feeling) but thanks to my old BMB and discussions like this one, I knew it was normal and I knew the type of love would grow. I hope the same will happen for anyone else experiencing the same thing after this discussion.

I, too, agree that the connection with this LO will likely be faster because I KNOW what is to come, but there really isn't a way of telling until she's here.

On that same note I wanted to say, if you have a baby that will not stop crying it is OK to put baby in the crib or another safe spot for 5 minutes and walk away to clear your mind. It does not make you a bad parent or mean you don't care. Sometimes you have to give yourself a break to fuel your care taking. That was another piece of advise my old BMB used over and over and although I only had to do it once or twice, it helped me make that decision when I needed to.

cassloumy · September 2016

Thank you for starting this post! I have just felt so incredibly blind sided by all the symptoms involved in my pregnancy and I've felt so ashamed for hating being pregnant. I have also been feeling like I don't know if I can do this, and doubting that I can give enough love to the baby I was so miserable making. I feel so guilty because none of this is her fault, and I have always wanted to be a mom. DH has been an absolute rock, but he can only do so much. Just knowing others feel this way too, and hearing btdt moms' stories is going a long way to dial back my fears!

beachmama14 · September 2016

Very normal! I have and had huge anxiety and fear about labor and delivery in general. With my first, once she was born and we both were okay I was so relieved and was able to feel that bond and connection with her. I'm feeling a little bit of the same way now, but I know once I'm on the other side of the birth I will have plenty to time to make that connection with baby boy

You are not alone!

blondie080300 · September 2016

@RG1 For me I feel overwhelmed because I am so busy at work all of the time too. It's like I can handle a crazy work day/week/month/year if my home life feels calm and stable. Or alternatively, I can handle a lot going on in my personal life if work is humming along nicely. But combine the two and it is a recipe for disaster on my anxiety levels. So I have really been trying so hard to prioritize what is important to stress out about as I feel so guilty about not being ready for the baby to come yet. I worry he knows I haven't made him/his arrival as much of a priority mentally as I would have wanted because I let work stress me out too much. Don't even get me started on how I will cope with having a baby and working full time at a job that gets super stressful at times.

frogdog06 · September 2016

@RG1 Our hospital / medical provider also stresses that everything baby related does not necessarily come naturally; it is learned and developed. This pertains to breastfeeding, being a (new) mom, and I believe the relationship as well. Even though we've been baking these little humans, most of us have yet to meet them, know their quirks, temperaments, etcetera. I think it is a slight fallacy in assuming that we, as first time mothers, will immediately love these little creatures that we've only just met. Take the time (shoot, you'll have plenty of it) to get to know your LO.

MNturnsVA · September 2016

I agree with the work thing and just how am I going to keep up with an extra person when I feel like keeping up with hubby and I is all I can do somedays......He does a lot of the outside work and I do a lot of the inside work and we both have different de-stress mechanicisms......Finding "me" time is something I worry about and finding time for just DH and I is another big one....So I can totally relate to the work aspect too....We are very possibly hiring the temp who will be covering me while I'm out on leave on after I return to work for part time work which would be a huge help because one of my main concerns has been that I have about a 30-45 min commute in total depending on traffic and waiting on buses to get to my building and have to be @ work by 7:30 AM. Most days- because of my work load- I have not left work until at least 5 pm or later and that Is just leaving my building.....very long days and just thinking how little time that leaves for baby, for DH and just to take a shower or have 5 min of "me" time is overwhelming.....working out is my best stress relief and I have had some self image issues before pregnancy- so being able to work out post pregnancy is going to be a necessity for me.....the thoughts of how to juggle it all are overwhelming somedays.....

RedMar · September 2016

I am in total agreement with all of the responses. I unknowingly went through an extreme rough patch of PPD after DS was born. Looking back, I wish I had gone to therapy more often and had gotten more help.

This time around, I am anxious for what life will be like post-baby, mainly because there will now be 2 in the mix. My advice to others is don't be afraid to ask for help from others. I did not do this often enough last time around as I thought it was a sign of weakness. I will be taking full advantage if someone offers to come over with their toddler to play with DS, so I can go upstairs and nurse/nap with LO in peace. Def take advantage of the outpouring of help in the beginning bc it def disappears after a while!

noelani42 · September 2016

These feelings are normal....I was feeling so guilty the morning of my c section because people kept asking if I was excited and I just wasn't...the moment she was born, the excitement finally came....you will make that connection I promise

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