Paternity testing

Lauren6003 · August 2016

I am currently 32 weeks pregnant with my first child. I am married and the paternity is without question my husband's. However, he has a mental issue where he has delusions that I cheat on him and he has a history of domestic abuse, due to these delusions. When he gets in one of his "episodes", he becomes insistent that this child isn't his and claims that he will not care for baby or provide for baby. (Once again, he is the father, as I've always been a faithful wife.) This will go on for the child's entire life if I do not figure out how to have a paternity test done, in order to silence this particular delusion that he has. We are a low income family and I can't afford to pay hundreds of dollars for a paternity test. However, if a test isn't done when baby is born, I already know that it will lead to years of turmoil and possible domestic abuse (emotional, verbal, and possibly physical), if his delusion isn't squashed by a paternity test. I live in the state of TN and it seems my testing would have to be paid out of pocket, since I am married. Does anyone have any insight on this? I've already contacted DCS in our state, but have yet to receive a reply. Please refrain from telling me to get out of my marriage, etc. That's not what I'm asking about. I simply need advice on the testing. Thank you.

mrszoess · August 2016

Lauren6003 said:

I am currently 32 weeks pregnant with my first child. I am married and the paternity is without question my husband's. However, he has a mental issue where he has delusions that I cheat on him and he has a history of domestic abuse, due to these delusions. When he gets in one of his "episodes", he becomes insistent that this child isn't his and claims that he will not care for baby or provide for baby. (Once again, he is the father, as I've always been a faithful wife.) This will go on for the child's entire life if I do not figure out how to have a paternity test done, in order to silence this particular delusion that he has. We are a low income family and I can't afford to pay hundreds of dollars for a paternity test. However, if a test isn't done when baby is born, I already know that it will lead to years of turmoil and possible domestic abuse (emotional, verbal, and possibly physical), if his delusion isn't squashed by a paternity test. I live in the state of TN and it seems my testing would have to be paid out of pocket, since I am married. Does anyone have any insight on this? I've already contacted DCS in our state, but have yet to receive a reply. Please refrain from telling me to get out of my marriage, etc. That's not what I'm asking about. I simply need advice on the testing. Thank you.

qfp. and I'm sorry but I don't think a group of strangers knows the ins and outs of Tennessee laws, but if you know you will be abused and you e been through this before, you and your child should leave the situation.

mothernorth · August 2016

I believe a call to your local DHS, health department, or OB practice would be most helpful. They should be able to answer your question.
You have clearly already heard the "get out of your marriage" idea, and I'm just going to go ahead and say I +1 that idea, or also strongly suggest you seek family counseling ASAP if you aren't attending already.
I don't mean to come off as harsh or judgemental, but oftentimes domestic abuse can also lead to child abuse as well later on, and your situation does not sound safe for a child. I wouldn't want that on my conscience personally if I could prevent it. Food for thought.

ibabyloveb87 · August 2016

Echoing the advice above. I don't know that anyone's going to be able to help you necessarily with specifics of TN laws, but the situation doesn't sound good and I hope that you all are able to get the help you need. If you want advice, do what is safest for you and especially your child. Abuse should not be tolerated.

strickland8052 · August 2016

+1 on the counseling/leave advice, but to answer your question: have you looked into buying an at home paternity test? I remember an episode of 16 and pregnant where they bought one for like $80 from CVS. Swabbed cheeks at home and mailed it off to a lab. Look at drug stores and on Amazon.

BabySunshine4 · August 2016

Same advice here, the only thing I would add to PP is ask your self this: how do you know that having this test will prevent years of turmoil and abuse? Do you think that even after this episode of delusion there will be more?

TurtleMomma · August 2016

If he is *that* mentally ill, words on paper won't mean sh!t to him.

anna.oskar · August 2016

1st) Less than $30. Just buy one: https://www.mydnatest.com/google-product.php?gclid=CjwKEAjwl4q-BRDtzJmSk-uGunkSJACmCOY-lkDWTQl6e4t-w-mcIM0e1aSbrtxs8n-GJG5-ctBggBoCGTTw_wcB

2nd) If you fear for the emotional or physical well-being of yourself and presumably your future child but request "Please refrain from telling me to get out of my marriage, etc. That's not what I'm asking about." then you are neglecting your child's future needs. You need at the least least a counselor.

kelliott09 · August 2016

I do live in TN and I'm pretty sure, since you're married, the child is automatically considered your husband's. Even if it weren't his, he's still legally responsible. So I'd say you're right and it would be an out of pocket expense for you. Also, I'm not going to leave here without telling you to get out that marriage. If you're dealing with something like this, I'm sure there's a whole list of other ridiculous things and more to come. It's not healthy for any of you. Good luck!

cbamama641 · August 2016

Ditto everyone else, but you can buy paternity kits over the counter at the pharmacy. I'm sorry for you that you are in this situation, and I'm horribly saddened for this baby who has absolutely no control over the situation into which it will be born. I hope you're able to do some serious soul searching before this baby is born to decide if this is a situation you really want to bring a newborn home to. Best of luck.

Lauren6003 · August 2016

Easier said than done. All I have to say. I know people post on other threads about paternity. I'm aware of what needs to be done.

mrszoess · August 2016

actually nobody else has posted one as far as I can remember. we are giving you the advice you NEED, sorry if it isn't what you want to hear but there's no need for the attitude.

fwiw this is a community where we have all established relationships over the past 8 months, and we support each other. if support isn't what you were looking for then maybe you should try google.

#endrant

krzyriver · August 2016

You may not want advice on your marriage, but this is not a group of women who could hear a story like yours and simply say nothing. My (limited) experience with men questioning paternity for no reason is that they're looking for any excuse to hate a child that will soon divert their wife's attention away from them. So it's difficult to hear your story when we're all moms or soon-to-be moms and not be concerned for both you and your child. The girls have given you advice about the testing, I have nothing to add to that. Just want to say that while it may be easier said then done, you have to remember that it's not just you that's at risk here.

nlane0723 · August 2016

Usually when someone is accusatory to this extent, they are the ones that are cheating. You've been given some solid advice, which it doesn't appear that you appreciate or agree with. I will also suggest that you start counseling immediately if you insist on staying married. Don't use your unborn child, however, as the reason to stay married.

NoraAurora · August 2016

BabySunshine4 said:

Same advice here, the only thing I would add to PP is ask your self this: how do you know that having this test will prevent years of turmoil and abuse? Do you think that even after this episode of delusion there will be more?

Just here to make sure you really re-read the above bolded.

An innocent child doesn't need that kind of sh*t. You say getting out is "easier said than done." Your child deserves the best and hardest effort you can give in order to make their life safe and happy, no matter how hard it is for you. It's not about you now.

booksandicecream · August 2016

I would like to echo the advice given by everyone above.
However I would like to add, if your husband suffers from true delusions he should seek the help of a psychiatrist ASAP as he could have a form of schizophrenia, which if left untreated can be a very dangerous situation. If treated he could live a normal life.

UponAStar16 · August 2016

Lauren6003 said:

Easier said than done. All I have to say. I know people post on other threads about paternity. I'm aware of what needs to be done.

Huh? If you're aware of what needs to be done then I'm confused about what you're asking for here...in what looks like your only contribution to this board. +1 for the...you can't post here and then pretend like advice is unsolicited bc you didn't get to dictate what we say. These are some incredibly supportive individuals here and that includes being assertive in providing support or telling people what they need to hear. Anyway, as others indicated, it seems like a paternity test won't fix the problem (whether it's a true fixed delusion or just personality-disordered manipulation) and everything in life is easier said than done but it's definitely going to be easier to leave an abusive relationship before having a child than after, when he will try to trap you by using your child against you. It's unclear if you literally mean delusions of a psychiatric nature, or if you're using it to refer to your abuser's manipulative, emotionally abusive accusations that may or may not reflect his actual beliefs. Either way he needs to find himself some help, and you are not responsible for making sure he does so. Good luck with things, and please accept people's advice next time you post asking for help. Otherwise just asking Google "free paternity testing in TN" would give the info you seem to want. I wish for you and your child's sake that you weren't having to deal with this shitty situation

zuzu87 · August 2016

"If you're aware of what needs to be done then I'm confused about what you're asking for here" @UponAStar16
you took the words right out of my mouth

Michi1382 · August 2016

You need to run.

owlcup · August 2016

You can buy a paternity test at CVS or Walgreens and send it off for testing. But if your husband is so "delusioned" that the baby isn't his, this won't change his mind. His next "delusion" will be that you cheated the test/didn't do it correctly/the lab was wrong, etc. It sounds like he needs serious help and the sooner the better. You both, individually and together. If he won't do it - leave. Seriously.

Piperella · August 2016

I'm so confused as to who is actually delusional in this scenario.

PCOSbaby · August 2016

Oh honey...bless your heart {in my southern accent}

lovelybabybumpz · August 2016

Lauren6003 said:

Easier said than done. All I have to say. I know people post on other threads about paternity. I'm aware of what needs to be done.

Nobody's questioning your posting on paternity, and actually you've received some pretty decent advice/leads on how to go about testing for paternity. Sorry not sorry that any advice is also going to contain an alarming dose of concern for your situation.

Kittens22 · August 2016

I feel like if you didn't want to hear ANY sort of concern, or advice for your situation you would have left your original post quite short and simply asked about the testing without going into why.

That said, I hope these previous comments were helpful and what you needed to hear. It really is some fantastic wisdom these women have shared. Best of luck to you.

Pupatella · August 2016

Looks like you can buy a paternity test kit on Amazon for about $100, and that includes all testing and lab fees.

I recommend going to therapy as a whole family, especially since you plan to stay with him.

MLS6212 · August 2016

*Lurking from March 2016*

OP, I realize this isn't what you're asking, but is your husband under the care of a mental health professional? If not, might I suggest you see if there is a medical school nearby with a psychiatry program? These programs often offer psychiatric care with an income-based fee schedule. This allows psychiatric residents and fellows to gain clinical experience under the direct supervision of an attending professor while benefiting the local community. They can usually prescribe medications when the situation calls for it. The one I worked at in college offered 50 minute appointments up to three times a week for as little as $5 per session.

I also suggest seeking help for yourself. Caring for a loved one with mental illness can be incredibly stressful. Adding a child to the equation will undoubtedly increase this stress. Taking care of yourself will make you a better mother and wife. You might offer to go to sessions together if you fear he will be hesitant to accept help.

Best of luck to you!

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