How do you get through?

Kbalas1018 · March 2016

Our daughter passed 30 minutes after she was born because she had trisomy 13. We are very upset and miss her but are trying to navigate our new life as parents of an angel baby.
The part I'm facing right now is that SO many of my friends are pregnant/having babies. Our due date was Feb 4th but we had our baby December 21st at 33 weeks.

Just this week 2 of my closest friends have had their babies. My other friend is due at the end of this month. My sister in law is 12 weeks and my cousin is 9 weeks. Then another friend just announced her pregnancy yesterday. I'm happy for all of them but it's just a constant reminder of what I'm missing out on. I push through infront of them but my heart is breaking because I want my baby back and I want to care for a baby.
How do you guys get through these things?

MamaBish · March 2016

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl. Dealing with others' pregnancies can be so difficult, I'm sorry you have to be around so many all at once. The best advice I can give you is to take some time for yourself. If you need to take a step back, do it. Do whatever you need to do to protect your heart. Hugs to you!

alanna3622 · March 2016

@Kbalas1018 I don't know what to say other than that surely this is the worst and most challenging burden that a mother and father can be forced to carry.

You are obviously a deeply caring person. I dont know you at all, but from what I can see I would bet that part of your distress is because the "real you" under ordinary circumstances would be overjoyed for your friends and families who are pregnant. But of course these are not ordinary circumstances.
I don't have any real answers for you but I sometimes find that self-talk can help me wrap my head around things. Acknowledging that you are a compassionate and resilient person may help you find renewed strength. Right now I am working on trying to manage anger and so I remind myself that I am not usually an angry person. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not.

Thinking of you.

EmmieAnn22 · March 2016

Hi @Kbalas1018 I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our son at 37 weeks.

We too have a lot of pregnancy around us. My husband's cousin was due only weeks after us. We also have another cousin and a couple friends who are pregnant too. It's just hard. My loss is still fresh so I have little advice as im
trying to navigate it all as well. These feelings will fade. My husband and I tried for years for our son and at first every friend pregnant the first try devastated me. But those feelings faded. I hope these feelings fade as well with time and I don't feel pain the minute I hear someone's news. Just remember that you are allowed to feel however you feel and it's ok.

msunshine123 · March 2016

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. Your feelings are normal - being around others who are pregnant after you've lost your own child hurts. Give yourself any space you need from these friends and family members - do what you need to do to protect yourself. See the babies in your own time and when you are ready. Have an exit strategy when you do go. But most of all be patient and kind to yourself. You are a mother missing your daughter - take it one moment at a time and then one day at a time. Thinking of you and sending hugs your way.

cmillar36 · March 2016

I know how you feel. My daughter passed 3 weeks ago at 23 weeks. My younger sister just had her baby 10 days late almost 10 lbs bigger than my daughter. I can't even consider going to hospital. Still traumatized.

Kbalas1018 · March 2016

Thank you all so much I'm sorry I'm just now responding back somehow I missed that there were comments... and I am incredibly sorry for your losses as well. @alanna3622 you are right that I normally go all out for my friends/family when they are having babies. They are understanding right now but I've noticed that certain ones have started leaving me out of conversations and are bonding over their newborns/pregnancies. I had a newborn too. I was pregnant too. But suddenly my experiences are no longer valid because she died. It's really hurtful and makes me feel like less of a mother on top of grieving her loss already.
I appreciate that you ladies are telling me it's okay to back away when I need to because I always feel so bad about it because these people and their babies are important to me, but I also go home and sob because it's just too much. I know it'll take time. It's just three months today.

KarenBeth714 · March 2016

Hey so sorry for your loss and for this difficult time. Not sure what the right answer is. I can relate a bit bc I'm headed back to work on Monday after my loss and there are about 5 ecpectant moms at work and several with newborns. It's the focus of most conversations. No clue what it will be like when I return. I imagine lots of awkward silences. I hope you have a few close friends that tou can talk to about your grief and who won't leave you out and just be there for you. is there a support group in your area? If so maybe you could meet up with other moms who have experienced a similar loss. The social worker at our hospital told us about one here. Good luck

veetveet · April 2016

I explained to people that i just couldn't handle it. Most understood... and those that didn't- we are no longer friends. I needed to take time and heal- I made it about me. I was selfish and I had every single right to be. I still sent shower gifts, cards, and well wishes. But hid everyone from my facebook feed, and literally isolated myself - it was what i needed at the time.

jmacd22 · July 2016

It took me a lot of time. I experienced a stillbirth at 38 weeks with my daughter back in August last year. I didn't start feeling better until around April. I had tried for years to get pregnant with her and had a really tough pregnancy which I had morning sickness throughout the whole 9 months so I get like that was all for nothing. My husband is 40 and still doesn't have any kids. I'm 12 years younger so I was feeling like a failure for not being able to give him the child he had been wanting. I was a member of the bump for that pregnancy and I had to just leave because I couldn't bear seeing all the birth announcement posts when my beautiful child died. It did get better with time but what helped me was my support. I went to counseling after, my husband was there for me, family members would take me out to dinner to try to cheer me up. This past Mother's Day my husband and I decided to try again. Thankfully it didn't take years like previously and I am currently pregnant again. Still early so I'm still have anxiety about everything going ok. Positive thoughts, vibes, and prayers out to you and your family ❤️

PabloAndChristine · August 2016

@mcdonald-bailey how are you doing?

jmacd22 · August 2016

@PabloAndChristine doing well now. Being PGAL I was very cautious and scared in the beginning but with time I'm getting more confident and positive that everything will be ok.

momma mb · August 2016

I hope you're doing well now. I remember feeling the same way around other people who were announcing pregnancies/having babies around me. Even with my following pregnancy it took me a while to get really excited about it - I even felt a bit guilty about it I think. But it does get easier (which I'm hoping you're at now). Keep going! You'll get through

PabloAndChristine · August 2016

Glad to hear it @mcdonald-bailey and @mommamb

my husband and I want to try again as soon as doc says it's ok (I was kinda hoping he'd say next month, but he wants us to wait longer since I was incredibly sick myself... In the icu for 4 days, then another 3 days on a regular floor before I could go home) The thing is, I'm sure I will be incredibly cautious, and maybe I'll be worried the whole pregnancy, but something tells me I won't be anxious/uncertain the whole pregnancy like I was with this past pregnancy. I am convinced God was preparing my heart to lose her. One of my concerns is that others around me will drag me down with their doubts and fears or will judge us for wanting to go through pregnancy given how hard it was and how sick I got. Did anyone else experience that when they were PGAL?

lindsaykpadilla · August 2016

@kabalas1018 I am so very sorry for the loss of your little girl. I also lost my first child in December, 36 hours after she was born with Trisomy 18. She was the first granddaughter on my side. Before I got pregnant, my younger brother and his wife got pregnant and had a boy. My younger brother-and-sister-in-law got pregnant after me and had a girl and then recently my other brother-and-sister-in-law announced they are pregnant with their second child. I have many friends who have recently become pregnant or have had children and many of them are having their second children. It just seems like my network just went into baby explosion and I have a hard time not being angry, jealous and sad. I take it one day at a time and sometimes I have to take it one hour at a time. I try to keep off Facebook because I always regret going on there and seeing photos and postings of babies. It's even hard to go into Trisomy support groups and see the children who have survived because I ask myself what if we had chosen a different care path for her - would she still be with us today? I find myself trying to avoid putting myself in a situation where I am faced with children for fear I will break down. I put my focus into work, but then feel guilty if I didn't think about her. It usually helps me to know that I am not alone on this journey. And while I avoid Facebook and other situations, I also remind myself that I need to continue living and to be happy for these people in my network because that's what my little girl would have wanted.

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