Sprinkle question

emy730 · August 2016

My SIL offered to throw me a sprinkle, and not wanting to be rude, I said that was fine. She asked me for dates in October or November that would work, so I sent those to her. Then she asked me to provide her names and addresses of family and close friends to invite, and included this, "Please try to keep it under 25 people,"

I have a huge family. We are close knit, but my H's family is not close at all.

When I made my list with my family (mom, grandma, aunts and a few cousins I'm really close with), I was already at 21 people. When I added in close friends, I was right at 30. I told my SIL this and said that we could just do family, and cut out friends and her response was, "Well, can't you cut out a few aunts?" I said, "No, if I invite one of them, I need to invite all of them."

She's acting frustrated about this, and then said, "Well, I thought we could just do a small gathering," My list is already bare bones, and there are a few people who I didn't invite and I don't really feel great about leaving them out. I explained that more than likely, there will be people who can't come and so we probably won't be at 30 people attending.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking it's weird that she's basically telling me who I can and cannot invite? Should I just cut out all of my aunts and just have it be my mom, grandma, MIL and SILs?

ceclarlinetlo · August 2016

Oy, that's tough. I think for me, if a close friend told me she had to keep her shower family only that wouldn't upset me at all. Would you still invite the cousins you are close to? If my niece invited all the other women in the family including my daughter and then friends that would probably be more likely to sting a little.

I don't think it was wrong of her to request a smaller party because she knows her finances and what she can handle but I think 30 over 25 people is just splitting hairs. Most showers (especially a sprinkle) are finger foods and cake not sit down dinners so it's not like it would be adding that much to the grocery bill.

emy730 · August 2016

@ceclarlinetlo See, I cut out a few cousins, but their mom's are invited and that's where I feel weird about it. They live farther away, and probably wouldn't be able to make it, so that's why I cut them. I agree though, if my mom and all the other women in my family were invited to a shower, and I wasn't, I would be hurt.

I have no problem cutting out friends, and they all understand of course. I agree though that I'm just barely over her limit, and I guarantee not all 30 will show up. I would understand if she asked me to stay under 25 and I had 50 people on the list.

KRB22 · August 2016

Agree this is a tough one, especially since you've already accepted her offer to have a sprinkle. I have a big family and lots of aunts as well, so I understand how it's difficult/impossible to invite some but not all.

How big would the list be if you cut out friends altogether and just included aunts and cousins? If significantly over 30, I would probably just do what you suggested originally and keep the guests to your ILs and your mother and maybe grandmother. While that might not be the most fun for you, it is probably the most diplomatic and gracious approach.

katesmama0706 · August 2016

I had the opposite problem, I wanted a small shower as it was being held in my tiny apartment last time, and after my SIL finished inviting DH's entire extended family it was a huge list and I was super stressed out about it. But you're definitely right in that even if you were inviting 30-35 people there is a good chance the actual number of people who can make it will be around 25. Especially during that time of the year.
I'm not sure what you could do to make her understand any more than what you have already done. Is she worried about a venue? A budget? Could you offer to help with the cost or help setting up or taking down the venue?

emy730 · August 2016

@Kbb22 The 30 is including close friends, so that's why I'm confused at her frustration.

@katesmama0706 she wants to have it at her house, and her house is HUGE. I offered to help and she wouldn't have it.

adorebella · August 2016

In this case I would do 2 showers. One your SIL throws with her side of the family/potentially friends and another with your side of the family.

emy730 · August 2016

@adorabella That would make sense, but my SIL and MIL refuse to invite any of their family to anything, always saying, "Oh they won't want to come," so it would be my MIL, my two SILs and myself, which seems awfully small.

I feel bad because I really do like my SIL. She makes a lot of effort to get our girls together and she's very nice. I just feel very stuck on this, but I think once she sees that not everyone will be able to come, she'll feel better about it all.

katesmama0706 · August 2016

Hmm. Well then I'd be a brat and throw a hormone fueled tantrum about it, not that it would do any good but I'd feel better.

On a more serious note, sorry that's a super tough situation and I wish she could see it from your side considering it's your shower/sprinkle.

karaelaine1991 · August 2016

I think if it were me, I'd keep it to family only. DH and I both come from stereotypically huge Catholic families and I'd be in the same boat as you, with hitting the requested limit with just my family. I understand wanting your friends there, but at the same time, with sprinkles typically being smaller and more low-key, I think it's appropiate to have it be family only. I do think it's odd that your SIL got snippy with you when you suggested keeping it to family only to appease her. To be honest, if it were me in this situation, I'd be wondering if she had something against my family if she wanted to cut them from the list in order to include friends after I'd specifically told her that I'd prefer family over friends. I get wanting to keep things small, but the way she's going about it is super bizarre in my opinion. All that to say, sorry you're dealing with this stress right now. Showers/sprinkles should be happy and fun instead of adding drama to a time in your life that intrinsically has its own stresses without people adding to that.

adorebella · August 2016

@emy730 Could you do one family and one friends in that case?

emy730 · August 2016

I ended up just sending her the list without my friends on it. I really hope that I'm right in my assumption that several people won't be able to make it and it will end up being smaller any way.

emy730 · August 2016

@adorebella On the list that I sent her, I just left friends off. She was the one who wanted me to invite my friends and potentially cut out some family. I'd rather my friends do something separate if they choose, than cut family to something that's already been offered. It will all work out, I'm sure.

KRB22 · August 2016

I think that's a good plan. And I'm sure your friends will understand if it's strictly a family thing.

Teach123 · August 2016

I would cut out friends, and I would add in any family members on that side of the family that I left out. And you are correct that there will probably be a few that can't come for whatever reason. 100 % attendance is very rare.

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