TTC After a Loss
jwg9101
member
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I feel like I can finally let this out here
jwg9101
member
TW - baby, pregnancy, and loss mentioned
Ladies, I'm sorry if this isn't the place but I feel like I've found a group that might truly understand how I feel. I've put a brave face on to everyone else except my husband but I am just crushed.
After 17 years together without a single pregnancy (and no bc) my husband and I got pregnant unexpectedly last year. We were over the moon excited and started picking names. I knew immediately that I wanted to name the baby after my grandmotherl if it was a girl. My father's mother and his paternal grandmother were named Ella so we decided on that. I loved the name, he cried when we told him, and all was great. We were waiting until the baby was born to find out the sex. But my amniotic sac ruptured and our baby died at 17 weeks. I delivered her but she was so tiny and so curled into the fetal position that the nurse initially thought she was a boy and didn't want to move her enough to really find out (weird, I know but she had ABS and her legs were kind of banded together). Anyway, we decided to just stick with the nickname we gave her the night we found out we were pregnant.
When the results came back that it was a girl we were shocked and overwhelmed. I started thinking of her as my Ella and we talked about giving her that name but hadn't made a decision on it finally. We drove to my family reunion discussing it only to get there and find out that my cousin was pregnant. With a girl. That they are naming Ella.
I cannot describe how upset I was but I didn't want to talk about it or make them feel bad. There is no way they would have known and they were trying to be really sensitive to me because of our loss. But y'all, my husband and I got back to the hotel room that night and both of us just bawled. My DH said "that was my baby's name!" and I swear my heart broke even more.
Now it has been about a month and it still really bothers me. I don't know what I'm going to do when her Ella comes and she's beautiful and perfect. I can't even think about it without crying. I know intellectually that she is honoring our grandmother just like I wanted to but the petty part of my brain thinks "she was 6 when she died so she barely even knew our grandmother! I was 18 and we were so close!" Like everything else, it isn't fair. It just isn't.
Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long. I know there aren't any good words anyone can say - I think I just needed to get it out. I miss my baby so much and I know I'm going to love her little girl. It's just going to be so hard to deal with.
Ladies, I'm sorry if this isn't the place but I feel like I've found a group that might truly understand how I feel. I've put a brave face on to everyone else except my husband but I am just crushed.
After 17 years together without a single pregnancy (and no bc) my husband and I got pregnant unexpectedly last year. We were over the moon excited and started picking names. I knew immediately that I wanted to name the baby after my grandmotherl if it was a girl. My father's mother and his paternal grandmother were named Ella so we decided on that. I loved the name, he cried when we told him, and all was great. We were waiting until the baby was born to find out the sex. But my amniotic sac ruptured and our baby died at 17 weeks. I delivered her but she was so tiny and so curled into the fetal position that the nurse initially thought she was a boy and didn't want to move her enough to really find out (weird, I know but she had ABS and her legs were kind of banded together). Anyway, we decided to just stick with the nickname we gave her the night we found out we were pregnant.
When the results came back that it was a girl we were shocked and overwhelmed. I started thinking of her as my Ella and we talked about giving her that name but hadn't made a decision on it finally. We drove to my family reunion discussing it only to get there and find out that my cousin was pregnant. With a girl. That they are naming Ella.
I cannot describe how upset I was but I didn't want to talk about it or make them feel bad. There is no way they would have known and they were trying to be really sensitive to me because of our loss. But y'all, my husband and I got back to the hotel room that night and both of us just bawled. My DH said "that was my baby's name!" and I swear my heart broke even more.
Now it has been about a month and it still really bothers me. I don't know what I'm going to do when her Ella comes and she's beautiful and perfect. I can't even think about it without crying. I know intellectually that she is honoring our grandmother just like I wanted to but the petty part of my brain thinks "she was 6 when she died so she barely even knew our grandmother! I was 18 and we were so close!" Like everything else, it isn't fair. It just isn't.
Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long. I know there aren't any good words anyone can say - I think I just needed to get it out. I miss my baby so much and I know I'm going to love her little girl. It's just going to be so hard to deal with.
Jennifer
Charlotte, NC
Charlotte, NC
Re: I feel like I can finally let this out here
I know you are in an impossible position there, because your cousin did nothing wrong, but I really hope that you and your husband find peace. Sending hugs your way.
Your Ella will always be in your heart and I am sure it's hard to imagine the way you'll feel when another child is born into your family who will take that name. There are so many triggers and so many waves of grief after loss, and it feels like this one is just too cruel. You and your husband are in my thoughts. I am sorry for your pain, but you are not alone. Sending you big, creepy internet hugs.
Me: 40, DH: 35 / Married: 2009; TTC #1: 2013
2013 - 2015: 5 pregnancies —> 5 miscarriages
TTCAL with RE (RPL specialist): February 2016
2016: 3 medicated TI cycles —> 3 medicated IUI cycles: All BFN
Donor Egg IVF Transfer: May 1, 2017
May 11, 2017: BFP!! Beta #1: 449.1, Beta #2: 844, Beta #3: 1714
EDD: 1/17/18, it's a GIRL!
E. L. A. born 12/7/2017
Charlotte, NC
Married: November 2015
TTC#1: January 2016
BFP: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
Married April 2014
TTC since December 2015
1st BFP: February 8, 2016; MMC at 7 weeks, 3 days; Discovered at 10 weeks; D&C March 25
2nd BFP: June 20, 2016; CP June 22, 2016
3rd BFP: August 13, 2016!! Fingers crossed!!
Charlotte, NC
Honestly, if this were me, I would name your daughter Ella anyway. Seriously. Your family member doesn't own the name.
When my husband and I were ttc I always knew my girl name. It was in stone, not up for negotiation. And I told DH IDGAF if my SIL or cousin named one of their daughters that name. That's fine. More power to them. But I was still going to use it. Sorry, not sorry.
Honestly, she can't get pissed. Look at how many Brittanys, Jessicas, etc. there are.
I think that @jwg9101is upset because she named her baby that she lost at 17 weeks Ella and her cousin is using that name, not knowing that it's the name that she and her husband named their baby. I can totally understand how many emotions that would bring up for OP- particularly feelings like her baby didn't matter even though no one else knows about the name they chose.
Naming a baby who has passed is something that helps with grieving, but it's also not something people like to share for a lot of reasons. My husband and I named our baby girl who passed at 13 weeks Lily, but I would only share it on this message board. I can't even imagine how upset I would've been if my cousin or close friend named their baby Lily right after my loss. Obviously, there is nothing that you can do about it- like you said people can use whatever names they want-but it hurts nonetheless. My good friend is naming her baby Henry- which is our boy's name. All I could think of when she told me that was that if I hadn't had my first MC, I would have gotten to use that name first. It was a painful reminder that I will have to live with every time I see her son.
Charlotte, NC
Charlotte, NC