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March 2017 Moms
kiki75
member
Need Someone to Take Over "What My Pregnant Self is Eating" - TW
kiki75
member
Well, my friends, I'm sorry for adding to what has been a wave of posts that are depressing AF. I so, so hope this is the last one for this group. If I didn't need someone to take over that post, I might have just quietly slipped out. But I do so here we are so I may as well spill what thoughts I do have with you while I'm at it.
What happened (probably the TWiest part of this but I'm sharing in case the information helps anyone else):
We went to my first appointment on Tuesday at 9+5 according to LMP but 9+1 according to ovulation (temping & OPKs). After a too much silence, we heard, "I'm so sorry." instead of a heartbeat. It would appear that while I did make a placenta and everything, the baby quit growing weeks ago. She didn't happen to mention when at the time and I didn't ask then (I will at the follow-up) but it was very clear that what I had wasn't anywhere near where it should be for 9 weeks. It looked like some separation was starting to happen but was still moving slowly. My best guess is the night that I woke up a few days before in a panic because I didn't think my breasts were as tender anymore was the same time the separation started. I also have a sizable corpus luteum cyst. My doctor encouraged trying to wait for my body to start the process naturally or to use the Misoprostol. I started the medication on Tuesday night. I have an appointment for a follow-up next Tuesday to make sure that everything has passed and to see if the cyst is resolving itself. We are definitely benched until the cyst is gone. For anyone who likes to learn and wants the information, I'll post an update in this section next Tuesday (but not in a comment that will dredge this post up again).
ETA: Yesterday's follow-up appointment went as well as we could possibly have hoped (short of a miracle). It looks like everything has passed and my uterus is back to "normal." It also appears that the cyst is gone. As for the cyst, I still don't understand that. I'm not sure if doctors often refer to a regular corpus luteum as a cyst or if mine was extra large but what I had seen on the internet was definitely everything that's wrong with consulting Dr. Google. She said that it appeared that our baby quit growing around 5-6 weeks. Which was something I felt like I needed to know but I don't exactly know why and I don't know if that piece of information makes me feel better or worse. Thank you everyone for the sweet and kind comments. I used to feel a little bit like "Why comment? I can't actually do anything to help. I don't even have anything original to say." And I do stand by my statement that if you need to avoid these posts for your sanity, as that's the whole point of a TW. I now know that each of those, even when they aren't at all original, feel like a hug or at least a hand squeeze. And, just in case anyone ever goes through the same thing and feels like they should be acting or feeling a certain way, don't. There isn't a model. Different coping mechanisms work for different people. Personally, I have been and am still working through a lot of thoughts and emotions I'm not proud of. There have been plenty of moments where I would finally laugh about something and then immediately feel a strong urge to smash everything in sight. Muddle through as best you can and know that there are people who do understand and will be there for you if you'll let them know how they can help. If any of you ever need anything or have questions about the process, I'll be there for you.
Now, here's the soapbox part. Take what you like, leave what you don't.
I would absolutely not change having been excited for this baby. I highly doubt it would make me feel one bit better right now if I had missed out on excitedly reading the weekly updates on how a baby should be developing that week or sending my husband pictures of the size our baby should have been each week. It would make neither my husband nor me feel any better if I had just done a low-key, "BTW, I'm pregnant" announcement to him. All if would have done is to have kept us from fully embracing the joy we had during the time that I was pregnant. For the next one, we're going to do our damndest to embrace the joy then, too. Whatever will happen will happen but I'm certainly going to grab the happy while I've got it.
I also certainly didn't bring this on us by buying baby stuff. All it means is that I scored some good deals and have a kickass zebra swaddle headed our way for when we do get our take home baby, no matter how or when that child comes into our lives. If you see some cute baby ish and it's on sale, treat yo self! I think back to the day a week or so ago when I bought myself a Bellaband and some cute bigger underpants for when I would need them. That was a happy day and I'm really glad I had it. But, if it makes you feel more secure not to, then there will be more deals and sales later.
And now for the politics. I know we typically try to avoid politics around here because it's part of what helps us stay friends. And I love that. But, during my entirely sleepless night on Tuesday as I wept and mourned for my baby, one of the strongest reoccurring thoughts in my mind was how fortunate I am to have access to good healthcare and to live in a state that doesn't have laws that affect my miscarriage. What if I were someone who was reliant on clinics like Planned Parenthood and due to funding cuts, I had even less access to care? What if I lived in a state where I was required to bury or cremate the remains and I was forced to collect everything that was passed to take it to a funeral home? https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/05/state-mandated-mourning-for-aborted-fetuses/482688/ And then, what if I were required to pay for those services when I really couldn't afford it? When they say that it would provide a tool for memorializing loss, for me, all it would do is to make it way, way worse. It would be about the furthest thing from helping me to cope with the loss. It would feel like I was being punished even further. This has been traumatic enough all on its own without politics dictating the process. I am so, so thankful that that isn't my reality. But it is for some people. And if we don't keep fighting, it will become the reality for more and more of us and for the daughters that about 50% of you will be having in March. This is a critical election and while I'm not going to tell you directly how to vote (I dream of the day I actually excitedly vote FOR someone.), I am going to implore you to really consider the long-term ramifications of this election. In the end, you have to vote your own conscience but I hope you'll consider all of the angles. And in case any of you worry that this is one hell of a troll by a political campaign, well, I can see how you might think that but if so, I play a hell of a long game to have been posting around here since March or whatever.
For whomever ends up taking over the What My Pregnant Self is Eating post, I was saving this gif up for later: https://giphy.com/gifs/funny-gif-angry-hungry-foNdewhuEYy1q I hope that you'll be able to use it one week.
Please say a little prayer (or whatever is your thing) for me that everything will have passed with this round of medication and that the cyst will clear up quickly and without surgery and that we'll be able to get pregnant with a take home baby soon.
I hope that each and every one of you who is left here has a smooth and happy pregnancy, safe deliveries, and the sweetest, smartest, kindest, cutest little babies ever. Give them a kiss from me.
What happened (probably the TWiest part of this but I'm sharing in case the information helps anyone else):
We went to my first appointment on Tuesday at 9+5 according to LMP but 9+1 according to ovulation (temping & OPKs). After a too much silence, we heard, "I'm so sorry." instead of a heartbeat. It would appear that while I did make a placenta and everything, the baby quit growing weeks ago. She didn't happen to mention when at the time and I didn't ask then (I will at the follow-up) but it was very clear that what I had wasn't anywhere near where it should be for 9 weeks. It looked like some separation was starting to happen but was still moving slowly. My best guess is the night that I woke up a few days before in a panic because I didn't think my breasts were as tender anymore was the same time the separation started. I also have a sizable corpus luteum cyst. My doctor encouraged trying to wait for my body to start the process naturally or to use the Misoprostol. I started the medication on Tuesday night. I have an appointment for a follow-up next Tuesday to make sure that everything has passed and to see if the cyst is resolving itself. We are definitely benched until the cyst is gone. For anyone who likes to learn and wants the information, I'll post an update in this section next Tuesday (but not in a comment that will dredge this post up again).
ETA: Yesterday's follow-up appointment went as well as we could possibly have hoped (short of a miracle). It looks like everything has passed and my uterus is back to "normal." It also appears that the cyst is gone. As for the cyst, I still don't understand that. I'm not sure if doctors often refer to a regular corpus luteum as a cyst or if mine was extra large but what I had seen on the internet was definitely everything that's wrong with consulting Dr. Google. She said that it appeared that our baby quit growing around 5-6 weeks. Which was something I felt like I needed to know but I don't exactly know why and I don't know if that piece of information makes me feel better or worse. Thank you everyone for the sweet and kind comments. I used to feel a little bit like "Why comment? I can't actually do anything to help. I don't even have anything original to say." And I do stand by my statement that if you need to avoid these posts for your sanity, as that's the whole point of a TW. I now know that each of those, even when they aren't at all original, feel like a hug or at least a hand squeeze. And, just in case anyone ever goes through the same thing and feels like they should be acting or feeling a certain way, don't. There isn't a model. Different coping mechanisms work for different people. Personally, I have been and am still working through a lot of thoughts and emotions I'm not proud of. There have been plenty of moments where I would finally laugh about something and then immediately feel a strong urge to smash everything in sight. Muddle through as best you can and know that there are people who do understand and will be there for you if you'll let them know how they can help. If any of you ever need anything or have questions about the process, I'll be there for you.
Now, here's the soapbox part. Take what you like, leave what you don't.
I would absolutely not change having been excited for this baby. I highly doubt it would make me feel one bit better right now if I had missed out on excitedly reading the weekly updates on how a baby should be developing that week or sending my husband pictures of the size our baby should have been each week. It would make neither my husband nor me feel any better if I had just done a low-key, "BTW, I'm pregnant" announcement to him. All if would have done is to have kept us from fully embracing the joy we had during the time that I was pregnant. For the next one, we're going to do our damndest to embrace the joy then, too. Whatever will happen will happen but I'm certainly going to grab the happy while I've got it.
I also certainly didn't bring this on us by buying baby stuff. All it means is that I scored some good deals and have a kickass zebra swaddle headed our way for when we do get our take home baby, no matter how or when that child comes into our lives. If you see some cute baby ish and it's on sale, treat yo self! I think back to the day a week or so ago when I bought myself a Bellaband and some cute bigger underpants for when I would need them. That was a happy day and I'm really glad I had it. But, if it makes you feel more secure not to, then there will be more deals and sales later.
And now for the politics. I know we typically try to avoid politics around here because it's part of what helps us stay friends. And I love that. But, during my entirely sleepless night on Tuesday as I wept and mourned for my baby, one of the strongest reoccurring thoughts in my mind was how fortunate I am to have access to good healthcare and to live in a state that doesn't have laws that affect my miscarriage. What if I were someone who was reliant on clinics like Planned Parenthood and due to funding cuts, I had even less access to care? What if I lived in a state where I was required to bury or cremate the remains and I was forced to collect everything that was passed to take it to a funeral home? https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/05/state-mandated-mourning-for-aborted-fetuses/482688/ And then, what if I were required to pay for those services when I really couldn't afford it? When they say that it would provide a tool for memorializing loss, for me, all it would do is to make it way, way worse. It would be about the furthest thing from helping me to cope with the loss. It would feel like I was being punished even further. This has been traumatic enough all on its own without politics dictating the process. I am so, so thankful that that isn't my reality. But it is for some people. And if we don't keep fighting, it will become the reality for more and more of us and for the daughters that about 50% of you will be having in March. This is a critical election and while I'm not going to tell you directly how to vote (I dream of the day I actually excitedly vote FOR someone.), I am going to implore you to really consider the long-term ramifications of this election. In the end, you have to vote your own conscience but I hope you'll consider all of the angles. And in case any of you worry that this is one hell of a troll by a political campaign, well, I can see how you might think that but if so, I play a hell of a long game to have been posting around here since March or whatever.
For whomever ends up taking over the What My Pregnant Self is Eating post, I was saving this gif up for later: https://giphy.com/gifs/funny-gif-angry-hungry-foNdewhuEYy1q I hope that you'll be able to use it one week.
Please say a little prayer (or whatever is your thing) for me that everything will have passed with this round of medication and that the cyst will clear up quickly and without surgery and that we'll be able to get pregnant with a take home baby soon.
I hope that each and every one of you who is left here has a smooth and happy pregnancy, safe deliveries, and the sweetest, smartest, kindest, cutest little babies ever. Give them a kiss from me.
Me: 34 DH: 38
Married: June 2011
TTC since Feb 2016
BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16
BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP
BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
Married: June 2011
TTC since Feb 2016
BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16
BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP
BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
Re: Need Someone to Take Over "What My Pregnant Self is Eating" - TW
Married: 8/2005.
BFP: 6/22/2016 EDD: 3/4/2017.
BFP#1 1/21/14 ended in loss DNC 3/5/14
BFP#2 7/2014 Baby Girl born 4/15/15
BFP#3 2/10/2016 natural mc 2/27/2016
BFP#4 6/25/2016 Due 3/2/2017
[url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1d2ae4[/img][/url]
Me: 27 - DH: 33
Married: June 2011
TTC #1: January 2016
BFP #1: February 22nd 2016 MC w/ Misoprostol: March 21st 2016 -Blighted Ovum
BFP #2: July 6th 2016 EDD: March 15th 2017
M17 October Siggy Challenge: Animals in Costumes
I truly wish you this absolute best in the future both physically and emotionally. I could only wish yto be as strong as you going through this.
And since it doesn't look like someone else has volunteered I will take on the thread for you too.
married to M since 6.13.09
T - 3.3.14
A - 2.24.17
Baby Boy: coming March 2017
yorkie mama to Oscar
FTM EDD 3.12.17
Me: 26 Hubs: 28
Married: 6/6/15
Baby Girl: 3/22/2017
BFP May 16th 2016
DD born January 30 2017
Surprise BFP/MC April 2017
SaveSaveMe: 29, DH: 34
EDD: 3/13/17