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December 2016 Moms
dmontgo
member
[OLD THREAD]Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 8.16
dmontgo
member
What is your family doing this week that makes you want to buy a one-way ticket to Tahiti?
Re: [OLD THREAD]Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 8.16
IVF #1 Oct 2013- cancelled
IVF #2 Mar 2014- success.... baby girl born 11/28/14
FET #1 Mar 2016- baby boy due 12/16/16
I didn't register at Wal-mart precisely because I didn't want anything from there and I've had people tell me that you don't register from there unless you want everything to come from Wal-mart.
ETA: We made a registry at Amazon too, but that one's more for us to order stuff we need that we don't get because it'll be cheaper and with free shipping because we use prime.
@happygirl1013 I had to stop caring when I was dating DH. My father has always told me, if you expect a rational response out of an irrational person you're going to be disappointed. I'm fully aware that regardless of what you register for, people will get you whatever they feel like getting you anyway.
@ea301 that sounds perfect. Perhaps I will, lol. What's a real high end store? Maybe I can make one at "Petit Tresor" and "Bel Bambini" and insist that I get only things from there.
Also our roommate got arrested for some nonsense (speeding and DUI) and she's bugging me about that. The only reason MIL knows is because it happened in their small town (DH and roommate are best friends from school) where they publish the arrests in the local paper and she makes sure to check that constantly. I work for a lawyer so she's asking me all kinds of questions about getting him out of the charges. Then she proceeds to lecture me and DH about how we should kick him out because she's afraid the cops will start watching our house and she doesn't want that for her future grandson. Lordy. I mean, I get where she is coming from about being concerned, but it's not her place. Maybe the cops in her town have nothing better to do than something like that, but in metro Atlanta, that doesn't happen.
Ah, yes...well thank you.
@dmontgo It sounds like your MIL and mine were cut from similar cloth. My MIL also found it to be "undesirable" (her word) but she fronts her distaste for it by claiming she was "too busy" with working and DH was "always with a sitter" so it wasn't practical. Ok whatevs. She also said DH was demanding too much and she couldn't have kept up her supply, especially since she claims he was downing like a can of formula or some ridiculous amount a day while they were in the hospital. That to me right there says she wasn't serious about even trying to BF and that the hospital likely pushed it on her.
@ea301 I don't mind her asking, even if it is rude, but don't berate my choice, you know? Like ok cool you didn't do it. Whatever. Obviously DH turned out fine. You made your choice, now let me do my thing dammit! This is what I want to try! What irks me the most is if heaven forbid I do have problems with it and turn to formula to supplement or all the way, she gets to do the "I told you so" bullshit. Ugh. Makes me want to scream.
So my cousin recently had a baby. No idea who the father is. She's convinced the nicest, most naive guy she hooked up with AROUND that time to believe it's his. He has not questioned paternity. He's head over heels for my cousin. She felt like she had to lie about the due date to make it make more sense given when they hooked up (she told him baby was due in July, but came in June - the actual due date but she said baby was "early"). My aunt is in on this and even helped her plan it. The guy is military so he has good insurance, and my aunt and cousin are on hard times. There is a CHANCE he could be the father, but it's slim. The saddest part about it all is the guy has pined for my cousin since middle school, so I kinda think if she'd been straight with him, he might not have cared the kid might not be his. Maybe. He just seems like that kind of guy. But now? Man, I don't know. It could get ugly if he finds out. The only reason I found out is my grandma blabbed.
I mean obviously I'm not planning to say anything since it's not my place, but damn. I can't imagine keeping this kind of secret. And trapping this guy. I'm trying not to judge my cousin and aunt, but am I shitty person if I am a little bit?
@em01092 - Judge away. That whole situation sounds crazy. That poor child.
I will be the shitty person and judge the fuck out of them. Being from a military family and being married into the military, this unfortunately happens A LOT. Because military members have Tricare, they are covered (usually) 100% in medical situations, including their dependents. They get a lot of benefits (because they can be killed in the line of duty) but trust me when I say that most enlisted do not make much money. I don't know why some women assume they do, because they certainly do not.
It really pisses me off beyond belief when I hear of people doing this. Don't get me wrong, I've met a lot of shitty military members too, but preying upon a nice person in general that has promised to lay down their life for our country makes me really fucking pissed. I've seen a person's career destroyed because a lady claimed a guy was the dad and he wasn't.
So yes, your cousin and especially your aunt are awful people, and I sincerely hope karma bites them in the ass.
Are we ungrateful jerks? Probably, but it was in the privacy of our own vehicle.
Also your MIL sounds like mine in terms of exaggerating DH's feeding as a newborn. According to her DH was eating so much that they had to put rice cereal in his bottle from day 1 at the hospital. Hmm...
And yeah fortunately my cousin and aunt don't live close by, so I don't have to really deal with the situation firsthand, thank god. It kills me just knowing. It would be harder if I actually saw them on a regular basis. I see them once every 2-3 years in person, otherwise it's just texting or Facebook to stay in touch.
Does anyone else's mom do things like this???
I can't tell if she just had NO clue what my taste is or picks things from her own taste or if it's passively done on purpose. It's literally everything she buys for me... So bad.
Due December 27th with baby #7
A friend that is on her second pregnancy did the same thing when I first found out. She gave me a huge bag of XS/S clothes. She is almost 7 inches shorter than me...of COURSE they won't fit. I wear M tops and M bottoms. She acted very surprised nothing fit, which honestly was fine because all of the clothes were grandma chic. She recently gave me another shirt, and not only was it hideous, but the stitching rested across my belly in an uncomfortable way. She asked if I wanted to borrow some baby boy clothes for my son...but she somehow dresses him as badly as herself lol. So I'm like...naw, I'm good. She's nice but our sense of style is VERY different. >.>
It's not "that big of a deal" it's just kind of sad. I hope I know my daughters better than my mom knows me.
My husband is going to laugh when I show him. Gosh I wish she'd just give me a gift card... But she won't!
Due December 27th with baby #7
My dad gives me nice gifts, but then expects to be praised forever for it. So it's like damn...
@maamawaabangi when I was pregnant with DD1 my MIL bought me a maternity shirt and jeans for Christmas. I was already feeling really self conscious, but looking back on photos, I was still looking really good and fitting in Mediums especially in maternity.
The pants were an EXTRA LARGE. (Now- I'm not knocking extra large pants because lawd knows I'll be picking up a few pairs very soon, but I just wasn't an XL then)
everyone was dying for me to try them on, so I went into the bathroom, cried a little, and then came out to say they were too big and I'd like to return them. Honey badger didn't care.
Come to find out it was MY FREAKING HUSBAND who suggested an XL to her. So then I cried some more.
My great-aunt is the terrible gift giver. And she brings a gift every single time she sees you. Even worse, we all know (from my grandma) she shoplifts most of it. But no ones supposed to know, so we can't say anything. So she gives you horrible, stolen goods. I've been spared recently living in another state but will be back around her soon. At least none of the crap she gives me will be any larger than a tote bag...
Now she's been shopping for baby girl instead. Most of these items are good. However, she is hell bent on baby girl wearing some of my old outfits. Ummm. They are hideous. I know she means well, but damn! I wore some ugly clothing! Cue the guilt trips until this baby is bigger than a 2T. Because my mom didn't save any toddler clothing, just ugly baby clothes!
Before I got pregnant, I lost nearly 100 pounds and nothing I said could help her remember to stop buying me 3-4x sized clothes. I'd just politely try them on, show her they were much too large, she'd shrug and take it back.
The past few Christmas's she's had me go online and order myself some clothes with her card and have them sent to her house and she wraps them up because she's not able to shop like she used to - she feels good because she loves to buy me clothes and I feel good because all of it fits and is my style. We both have said a few times that we should have done this sooner, lol.
In other news, my ex, DS's daddy and LO's daddy STILL thinks for whatever reason she isn't his. Unless I conceived her asexually she is in fact his child and I secretly hope she looks exactly like him when she's born so he can feel like an ass, not that he won't when we do the dna test and it's positive anyway. Whatevs.
Sorry for unloading so much! I haven't had time to log in for a few weeks due to an unusually hectic schedule! But I'm hopefully going to have more time here in the coming weeks!
Hugs, girl. Broken parental relationships are tough.
Anyway, she always finds a way to make things about her. We recently had to deal with a blowout where (before I got pregnant) she was babysitting and found a couple of empty wine bottles in the recycling bin. She confronted me about them in tears basically accusing us of being closet alcoholics. We had to tell her that we are very much responsible adults and that it's also very much none of her business. She then proceeded to tell me that, because of all the worry and hurt I had caused her over the years, she was planning on telling me that she and my dad were in the process of a divorce because she was leaving him for another man. It was all a made up story she came up with to incite some sort of "revenge" on me for ever worrying her as a parent. This was a HUGE red flag for us because 1.) um, that's insane and 2.) if you're willing to go to such great lengths to manipulate an emotional response out of your own daughter, what will you do to your granddaughter?
She interpretted this as us telling her she was unfit as a mom and grandma and refused to come to our house for a few weeks.
ANYWAY. She is still manipulative and I see it in her relationship to DD all the time. Just tonight she stopped by to bring her a toy and the entire time just wanted to continually ask my 2 year old if she remembers all the nice things grandma did with her recently. "Do you remember when grandma got you that cookie? Remember when grandma took you out to dinner? Remember when grandma brought you to the mall?" And on and on and on. Finally I tried to break it up and said "DD, show grandma the new monkey lunchbox your friend gave you!" My mom responds with, "ooo remember the monkey toys you played with at grandma's house?" Stahhhhhhpppp
my h and I have pretty good boundaries in place and at this point we pick and choose our battles.. It's just so incredibly frustrating. My mom will make a stink if DD isn't paying attention to her. Like, "oh, nah, I think I'll pass on coming over if *insert name of nieces* are there... I know I won't get any attention." WHY IS IT EVEN ABOUT YOU?
Ok im done. Sorry that got long and that's just a fraction.
I recently cut contact and blocked my mom for similar reasons, and am currently going through similar with my siblings. I feel super selfish for even thinking they should follow my lead, but listening to the horrible things she still says/does to them is really difficult! My anxiety is much less now without directly talking to mom, but sometimes when my sis & bro complain about my mom I just want to scream at them! I've accepted that mom won't take responsibility for her actions but it's still so damn hard to see that my siblings haven't! *hugs*
Some of yall with the clothing stuff - I have the opposite issue. My MIL buys me nice things but always too small. Which should make me feel great because obviously my husband and his family think I'm like, super tiny and fit. But instead I get pissed off because I have to admit I'm bigger and most of the time can't return any of it or exchange it because they buy it from some store that we don't have here. MIL finally improved recently on that, she sent me a check to go shopping and also a shirt from Target (which I was actually able to exchange!).
@Christinaruth74 Manipulative is an understatement. Do you have to let her spend alone time with her? I would honestly not leave her alone with your daughter---this is one of many reasons we cut contact with MIL (not saying you should do that necessarily). MIL had a very sneaky way of lying with little bits of truth. To me, your mom going on about how you caused her pain and suffering could easily become "Hey Granddaughter...is your mommy hurting you? Is she being a good mommy? Does she just drink a little too much?" when you are not around. Too many scenarios where her behavior directly affects your children, especially as the get older. As adults we can see the manipulation, but kids can't. That's what made us vulnerable as kids--and we're still picking up the pieces. Just my two cents--her behavior is creepy (posessive) and unacceptable.
When my water broke we got settled into the hospital pretty late in the evening. Visiting hours were ending soon so we told everyone to wait to visit until the following day when thins had progressed and visiting hours were open. Plus I just really wanted rest and alone time with my H in our final night together before we officially became parents. The nurse comes tiptoeing in my room at 11pm because my mom showed up. Completely disregarded my request. When I was less than enthused to see her, she left in a huff and on the verge of tears. The next day, after hearing I had to be rushed in for an emergency section, she showed up but only stayed long enough to see the baby then left. She said she didn't feel comfortable or like I wanted her there. She would only come when I requested / invited her. She brought that up all the way til Christmas and DD was born in June.
ive dealt with this my whole life, but perspective shifts once you have a spouse and child(ren) involved.
Another issue with her is buying crap just for the sake of buying it. She was buying DD random junk that was useless just because it made her feel like DD would love her more "remember that such and such grandma bought you?" H and I had to pretty seriously tell her to cut it out. If you babysit, you don't buy her stuff... If you do, it's going to get thrown out or donated. We don't want DDs time with her grandma to revolve around materials.. Just time, that's it.
Anyway, I say all that to say the best way we are able to maintain our boundaries is just constantly setting the example through actions and clear conversation that our family unit is our own. This is our home, our children, our marriage. If you don't accept and respect the way we manage these things, then too bad. I could never cut them out completely just because it is so important to us to keep our family relationships strong and healthy... It just takes a lot of work and patience.
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18