I go here now: Intro/New Loss

Scarlett830 · August 2016

Hi all, I'm moving over here from the March '17 BMB. TW obviously, but here's my story.

I started with some light but consistent brown bleeding this past Sunday which continued throughout the day. I had a few drops of pink towards evening, and then woke up yesterday with bright red bleeding and clots.

My DH stayed home with our one year old and I drove to the ER, where they did blood work and both an abdominal and vaginal US, and of course found nothing. I had suspected that I had already passed the baby, but of course it was still heartbreaking news. DH and my mom got to the ER right after the abdominal US (somehow my DS successfully managed to take care of my dad while they were with me).

My ER experience was less than stellar. I was there for over 5 hours, during which no one ever asked if I was thirsty or hungry, and I was repeatedly asked by the same nurse and doctor "but you haven't had an ultrasound yet?" to which I finally lost it and yelled that yes, I had indeed had an ultrasound and had heard my baby's strong little heartbeat. But at some point afterwards it must have just stopped growing.

We waited for the OB to come talk with me, during which the ER doc came in and actually said "he should be down soon. I guess someone pregnant or something came in and he had to do a delivery." I wanted to literally rip his face off, and cannot wait to get my survey in the mail. So much insensitivity and so little compassion. If I hadn't been so emotionally wrecked at the time, I'd have chewed him out.

So now I go here. I'm still bleeding fairly heavily and waiting to hear back from my OB, since I was discharged with very little instruction or discussion. This is my first miscarriage and even though I'm a nurse, I honestly don't know what to expect of my body right now. I'm heartbroken and devastated, as we all are here, and just feel in a fog.

I will probably lurk more than post right now, but need to feel part of a community that understands. My DH and mom are well meaning, but I can only hear so many times that "we'll be fine" and "there will be other babies." It's hard being strong, and I'm the primary parent for our active little boy, so that makes it even harder. I just want to curl into a ball and cry, and then sleep, and do nothing.

Cats*in*space · August 2016

Oh @Scarlett830 I'm so so sorry to see you over here. I was in March '17 too. Even with everyone around, it is such an isolating experience. I hope you can find some time for yourself to grieve however you need to. Sending love.

misha0130 · August 2016

I'm so sorry that you're going thru this too. I'm with you, I'm tired of hearing it's not your time or the baby is in a better place or even the I'm sorry. This is my first miscarriage and it's been drawn out over 5 days almost and I'm ready for it to be done. I stayed home and started cytotec and all I could think about is how much I want my baby back. I will keep you in my prayers.

Scarlett830 · August 2016

Thank you both so much. I'm sorry to see you both here as well. Hopefully we can all begin to heal soon. T&P for both of you as well.

JAGinMI · August 2016

I won't say I'm sorry again, because you know it. And it gets really old really fast having everyone be so sad for you. As a pp said, it really is isolating and lonely no matter how many supporters you have. This is definitely one of those things where it feels best to talk to others who know exactly what you are dealing with. Just know that you have people to lean on here and a great support network when you need it. Xoxo

dpjennifer · August 2016

@Scarlett830 So sorry to see you here! I was also March ’17. Personally I’ve found that it’s easier to cope if I am very open with those around me. After 2 MC, I’m not afraid to tell most people if they’re making inappropriate comments or upsetting me or talk about how I feel. Hiding my pain and pretending to be happy or like nothing has happened/changed is the worst. Like others have said, even with people around you and support of your grief, you still feel isolated and alone. Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need to!

JDW0325 · August 2016

so sorry for your loss

TScalei · August 2016

So sorry for your loss @scarlett830 and for your experience at the ER. I feel like basic kindness and compassion go a long way in situations like that. I just found out yesterday that I will definitely miscarry after a second ultrasound showed no heartbeat. This is my second mc in 5 months. It sucks. Now I am just waiting to miscarry naturally. So I know what you are going through and you are not alone. I know I felt so alone after my first and then I came on here and couldn't believe how many people go through this. This board and the ttcal one are great sources of comfort and information. Please do no hesitate to reach out if you need anything.

Scarlett830 · August 2016

Thank you all so much, ladies! Physically I'm doing much better today, as the cramping has stopped and bleeding has tapered off to a minimum. I've smiled and laughed a bit, but it's still hitting me pretty hard, especially when I let myself slow down and think too much.

This is so very hard, and I just pray for healing and a brighter outlook in the future. Thank goodness for this forum and the wonderful support of all of you! Hugs for everyone!

Mack2342 · August 2016

So sorry for your loss. I'm glad you found a few lighter moments today. We need those.

Sugargirl1019 · August 2016

@Scarlett830 Why do all the cool people from M17 go here now? Hugs to you. Talking really helped me get through both until I felt like I could grasp trying again. And when I say talking, I mean crying and being really hateful and depressing sometimes. Please reach out, Pm, whatever if you have any questions or just want to vent and need a safe place to do so. This board is wonderful for support and helping you stay with your head above water, even when you feel like you're drowning.

beary67 · August 2016

@Scarlett830 I am so very sorry. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

JessyKV · August 2016

So sorry for your loss. Sending you love.

iceandsnowflakes29 · August 2016

This breaks my heart

so sorry to see you here. (Former March 17-er myself). Hugs

fiorip · August 2016

My heart breaks for you and what you had to endure, sounds like such a horrible experience on top of what was already a terrible thing to go through. People mean well by saying things like "there will be other babies" but to me that is just like saying that your loss isn't important, just take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself. It's a very painful thing to go through and some days will be harder than others but you will get through it, I promise you. Hugs.

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