too much family — The Bump
May 2016 Moms

too much family

edited August 2016 in May 2016 Moms
I just need to vent. I've mentioned some of my situation with my sister previously and there has been some further frustrations with her and her situation affecting my family's life. 

A little back story: My husband and I moved into the duplex my parents were renting. We shared the space from April until, well, still are sharing it part time. We officially took over the lease July 1. So, while it was my parents' place, we understood we were guests still. My parents had my sister and her family (boyfriend, daughter, and stepson) over frequently. It was super tight as it is a "cozy" 2 bedroom duplex. After we took over the lease, my parents stayed with us until my dad retired and they got their new retirement home finished. They are currently still staying with us during the week to help out with DD as I start my job as a teacher. Once Sept. 1 hits, they will only be staying over Sunday nights. We just set up the crib so they will either be sharing a room with DD or sleeping out in the small iving room.

My sister and her boyfriend are living with his dad. Apparently it is a "dump" (in my sister's words) and over the last 7 years they have been together, we have never been invited over and it has been made clear we won't be invited over. Her boyfriend doesn't have a job and she is going to school part time. She had a baby last June and she just had another baby last week. They just purchased a trailer but it needs to be fixed up and they still have to purchase the piece of land and put in everything (sewer, electric, etc), so needless to say, it won't be ready until next summer, at least. 

I asked my parents if they wanted to be with DD any of the days during the week instead of her going to daycare and they jumped at that chance and said Mondays would be great. So, I was all excited about DD being with them. When my sister started saying she wanted DD1 to go to daycare to give boyfriend a break and have DD1 be around other kids, she started calling around and realized she can't afford it. So, my mom suggested having DD1 come over to our place on Mondays. Then it turned into DD1 and DD2 coming over so boyfriend would have some kid-free time totally. My sister asked me and I was put in such an awkward position. Do I say no and be the witch sister? Now my DD is going to have to split time between a one year old who needs constant supervision and a newborn (and newborns want/need to be held all the time). I've always felt I got the short end of the stick, in some ways, when it comes to my siblings, and my DD may experience that. I'm irritated at my mom for suggesting that. It is our place and she had no right to say that. And I'm irritated at my sister for just expecting us to play host every time. We don't have a big place and DH and I have not even had the chance to get used to being a family of 3 since DD was born. I know it is once a week but the expectation is that they can come over. I also had issues with when they came over, they'd sit arond for hours and just stay. Unless my sister and her family goes up to my parent's house, which is a 2.5 hour drive away, everyone comes to our place. There is no other gathering place where everyone can meet unless it is our duplex. And it is wearing very thin that everyone just thinks they can come over. They do give us notice and it isn't like they drop by every day but with how much we've had going on over the last 3 months, I'm ready for some DH, DD, and me time.

We are looking at buying a house next year and will be the only family to have adequate space to have visitors. We don't now but the expectation is still there. With buying a house, I can see that notion staying and expecting to host all the holidays and celebrations, or when my parents visit as we are central to siblings, grandparent, aunts/uncles. 

Re: too much family

  • edited August 2016
    Google dealing with the in laws forum.
    Look it up. Spend some time there.
    It isn't just for in laws. 

    End this cycle for your DD's sake.
    You are correct in wanting to focus on your new family of 3 and your DD as a priority.  
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  • You're right with focusing on our new family and I will be more of a stickler with that when it comes to celebrations/holidays, and when we are all home in the evenings and on the weekends. My problem is I look like I'm being ridiculous in not wanting my sister's children over on Mondays when DH and I will be at work. I asked that only one of her children be over so my parents have them one on one. I have a feeling my DD will be the one to be put on the boppy pillow while her one year old is played with and the newborn is held. I told my mom that and she said to tell my sister. I told her and now she wants to do a "trial day" where all three are there. My parents are never going to say they won't take all three so it's basically going to be me being the mean one if I say I don't want all three over at the same time. 

    I hate this situation. I know it will never be one where my parents can just go over to their place. It would be once a week from Sept to Thanksgiving so do I just bite the bullet and accept it? DD will be so young does it even matter and she won't remember? It just frustrates me because we had this time set aside for her and them, and my sister has hijacked it and going to bring her two kids over also.
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  • I think its your house and you make the rules. If they can't respect your wishes and you truly feel like your child will be relegated to the boppy while the other kids will be looked after then just bite the bullet and let everyone know your DD will be at daycare on Mondays instead.  It sucks and it's hard but the point of having your parents watch her was to have individual attention and time with them, which she won't be getting. 
  • I hate this for you. You are put into an awkward situation. But be up front and honest with your parents. Let them know your wishes. It will benefit you and your little one. 
    JCrew Blog

    Big brother was born August 24, 2011.
    Little brother was born October 1, 2012.
    Brother #3 due 5/4/16; born 5/2/16.

  • Won't it be nice for the kids to spend the time together? Granted they are young but it is family and for a limited time... If it were me I would grumble but let it happen...

  • salbb said:
    Won't it be nice for the kids to spend the time together? Granted they are young but it is family and for a limited time... If it were me I would grumble but let it happen...

    I kind of agree.  My LO loves watching her nieces and nephews!  They are also so into her!  My two nieces were actually arguing over who gets to change the diaper! Lol....but they are a bit older.

    That being said I know my mom would never say no either, but I can see her getting overwhelmed.  I know never to leave my daughter over when my 2 yr old nephew is there because he is needs so much attention and is so rough!

    It is a hard decision.  It is for such a short time, I would say try it.  It sounds like your sisters situation is very cruddy.  (Even though she did it to herself really)

    I know my daughter might not get some of the same attention from my parents that is needed by some of my other nieces and nephews.  But I appreciate that my daughter is in a much more stable, secure, and comfortable home.  
  • Thanks for all the replies and advice. I decided to be honest and let her know how I felt. I'm going to request that my mom made suggestions to me so I can discuss it with DH and then talk with my sister. I also let my sister know how I felt. With us buying a house in the next year, I wanted to set some boundaries as I could see this being more of an issue when we have more space. I let her know we're happy to have her over, just not every time. I want DD to know her cousins and have that family time. So, hopefully that is a happy medium :)
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