Out of town visitors

MamaSquishyB · August 2016

If you have visitors coming from out of town for the birth, when are they coming? My parents live about 2000 miles away and would like to be here for the birth, but are really struggling with when to schedule the flight.

RG1 · August 2016

This was a struggle for my parents as well. We decided they'd come almost a week after my due date because they'd rather know they can see the baby on their visit than for me to go late and them just sit around while I'm pregnant (my mom only gets 2 weeks off work). So it is likely they won't be here for the actual birth but that's what we decided. Do your parents have unlimited time? I'd say maybe have them come a week before due date?

KristinUM12 · August 2016

My mom's flying in from Africa 5 days before my due date...she's staying until the end of October, though, so she'll for sure see the baby no matter what. My dad, however, does not have unlimited time, so he's going to come in the middle of October to ensure he can get as much grandbaby time as possible (instead of grumpy still pregnant daughter time, haha). DH and I still haven't discussed when his parents are coming. We should probably do that...

Tippy05 · August 2016

I agree with @RG1. As cool as it would be to have your parents there when the baby is born, it might be more beneficial to have them come a week or two after. That way, they aren't "wasting" time waiting for you to go into labor (not that that's wasted time by any means, but you get what I mean, right?). By then, hopefully you'll be at home and it will be more comfortable for everyone.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Bibliobebe · August 2016

DH's family is flying in about a week after my due date. It was too risky to have them come around the time of. My nurse mentioned that, without induction, the average delivery date for FTMs was 8 days after due date. They were going to come and visit 4 days after due date, but if I did go really late then they'd miss seeing the baby during their visit.

Soooo they pushed their visit back. Essentially, if I haven't had the baby by the end of their visit I'll have to be induced (I'll be 42 weeks around that time) so they'll get to see the baby either way!

I definitely think that a later visit is better, so that no one misses anything. Unless you have an induction or c/s date it's too difficult to know when baby is going to arrive to schedule anything like that spot-on.

steminist · August 2016

MIL will be coming up in early October. Even if I go super late (42 weeks is my OBs max), I will still have a baby by the time she's here. Plus, as wonderful as it would be to have her here to meet LO right away, a slightly older baby is more settled and a bit more interesting to be around - even only a few weeks later!

hey_clever_girl · August 2016

My parents are coming from Chicago in early October. We aren't expecting any other out of town visitors, and they wanted to give us time to settle before they came to meet the baby.

rock1cherry · August 2016

By the sounds of it, everyone wants to come and see the baby immediately. It's the first grandchild on my side of the family. And while I'm happy everyone wants to meet her, I'm hoping people don't stay too long. I don't know what my DH gets off as of now so I'd like some family bonding time first and then visitors when he's back to work. But we will see!

marikkita12 · August 2016

My in laws are coming the last week of September mostly because that's when they are able to take the time off. My sister is supposed to be here for the birth but she just started a new job so who actually knows when she will be here

CRich15 · August 2016

We are flying our SIL up about 5 days before my scheduled surgery date for the sole purpose of her helping us watch the boys while we are in the hospital. We never had family be able to make it when our kids were born and didn't end up meeting them until roughly 4 months after they were born. She will be here for like a week and half after my scheduled date and then my parents aren't flying up for Christmas because that is what worked with my mom's schedule. I rather liked not having family there right away because I didn't feel the need to entertain and DH and I could get into a routine and figure the baby out for ourselves a little bit before others interjected.

jensou · August 2016

My inlaws showed up last night, just in time to give hugs and wave at us from our front porch as we drove to the hospital. How that timed out so perfectly is beyond me! They're home w my teenagers so while they *could* have been ok by themselves I much prefer having grown ups there.

Right now now I know they're wringing their hands wanting to see their new grand baby. I'm delivering at military hospital so they can't come until after baby is born and hubby comes to get them! Haha! (Probably not very nice of me, but haha just the same!!)

LeahKnits · August 2016

My mil is coming at the end of october. She wanted to come earlier but I told her no. That we need a few weeks to adjust to being a family of 6 before we have out of town visitors.

geminigirl16 · August 2016

Last we chatted, my parents are arriving about 10 days after my EDD and are renting an Air BnB in the area. I almost wish they were coming 14 days later just in case I go late but the current scenario is fine. I am sure we'll appreciate the help (my mom cleans, cooks, organizes and does laundry when she is here) but I am not so keen on advice, which she also likes to freely hand out, all the time.

At least with the Air BnB, the visit won't be constant. My SO's families are all local and his mom and dad don't get along so those visits will always be separate. It's going to be a crazy time adjusting!

BernieRae · August 2016

Is there a way to have a flexible ticket? I'm sure that's more expensive, but it's really hard otherwise because you could be early or late. Southwest is good because if you go early, they could always try to switch their ticket. The only cost would be the change in fare since it would be likely closer to the original date of travel and therefore a bit more expensive.

MamaSquishyB · August 2016

Thanks for all the advice. Mom keeps delaying, waiting for this appointment or that ultrasound before making a decision or buying tickets. I think after my appointment tomorrow, I'll just put my foot down and tell them to come around baby's due date. If they miss the birth, it's ok because DH gets 2 weeks of paid leave anyway. Might be good family bonding time with DS1 and the new baby.

Sporty1216 · August 2016

With LO, my parents flew in a week after my due date because I knew I wouldn't go longer than that. It turned out he was born on his due date, so he was a week old when they arrived.

This time, I have a c-section scheduled, so they are coming a few days before that since we know the outside date for her arrival and are hoping they will be here to take care of LO while baby girl arrives.

Good luck getting things sorted! Flights and planning are tricky! Especially when trying to plan around a baby!

jas1982 · August 2016

My Mom and Stepdad live about a 9 hour drive away, they are thinking they'll start driving when I go into labor. Mom hopes to be here for the birth or shortly thereafter, but also only has so much time off work. If I reach my due date they'll just drive down. Imprecise, but much cheaper than last minute flights. MIL will come at the end of September and stay longer to help out.

rn1stbae · August 2016

I'm currently struggling with this. I'm due the end of September and don't really want to have visitors until the beginning of November. That gives my husband and I a few weeks to be a family before he leaves. This weekend I was back at home visiting all of my family for the last time before baby and my mom got a bit nasty and said she's coming at the end of October and started talking over me and saying that was that. I told her it wasn't her choice because we don't even have a leave date for my husband yet. Then my in laws will come after he leaves. Then MAYBE her, then my best friend for nine days. I don't want constant visitors, I'd rather visitors spread apart so I can "use" them more for help since I'll be on my own. This will be my mom's fifth grandchild so it's not like she's never experienced this, and it my in-laws second (by one month, the first is coming in a few days). Also, she's not helpful at all, super stressful, pushy, not supportive. Just the fact that she took this opportunity to be snarky shows what I'm talking about. She says she wants to "help" but refuses to wait until I will need help. I don't really want visitors at the house when he leaves because Id rather deal with those emotions behind closed doors, it's hard for people to understand. My in laws think he has a choice and keep asking why he's "choosing" to go, and my mom is divorced and always takes the victim role so I know she'll be like "I've done this by myself, it's so so so hard" and then start crying and making it about how she raised children on her own.

nativetexan512 · August 2016

RN1stBae your situation sounds so tough, no specific advice but lots of support.

Both of our families are less than 3 hours away driving, and want to come meet baby as soon as we'll let them. I explained that they are welcome to do that, but we don't want both families hanging around and staying in our house. So they can either come and drive back, come and stay in a hotel, or wait for a bit and potentially come for a night or two or even longer depending on how I am feeling and when DH goes back to work.

We don't have a hard and fast plan for this which freaks me out but a lot depends on when baby comes - weekend versus weekday, over Labor Day weekend, etc.

I am very close with my older sister, and she's offered to come visit and stay to help if we need her. I'm trying to decide if it's worth telling both grandmothers that I'd rather have her come instead of them and facing the fire storm that will ensue.

cassloumy · August 2016

@RN1stBae I'm sorry she can't see past her own desires to actually help you, but I think from the way you described things you're handling it well!

I am a pretty serious introvert and our home is my sanctuary, so I was worried about visitors being too overwhelming. I am fortunate, though, because DH is supporting my wishes to keep visitors down after the birth, and because everyone we've talked to so far respects our wishes! My parents live about 10 minutes from us, but we've talked about it and they are going to give us at least a few hours before they come and visit in the hospital. We'll call them when we go in so that they can watch our dog, but they aren't going to pace in the waiting room or anything. They are, thankfully, very much on board with being "on call" but not in my house. The in-laws live about 14 hours drive away, and they will drive up once we call and tell them the baby is here. Fortunately for me, FIL and DH are both adamant that they will stay in a hotel and not in our house so MIL doesn't have a choice.

ketomommy · August 2016

I agree with a lot of moms here. Too many people can be overwhelming. Out of town visitors are harder to control because they came with the sole intention of seeing the baby. My parents live 1.8 miles from me and my MIL about an hour away. We have set some rules with them, but it is easier since they are close. My sister is flying in from Australia on September 1st. She asked before she booked her flight. I am going to be induced that week, so she will only have to wait a day or so to see the baby. I want her to know her niece. Thankfully she made it clear that she only wants a limited time at my house. My aunt bought plane tickets without asking me for the end of the month. I made the rules clear to my mom and she will try to make them clear to my aunt. Also, for some reason the women on my mother's side of the family all have body image issues. If they see my flabby belly with shirt up so I can breastfeed the baby they will run. When things get too much, I think the baby will just need extra feedings.

jln27 · August 2016

My family is small, thankfully. My mom will be flying up around the due date because we couldn't decide on before or after. I didn't really want her to come before, because she only wants to take a week off from work, and I'd like her to actually meet the baby. She didn't really want to come after, because there's an event going on around my due date in the city I live in that she wants to attend... Yeah thanks, mom. Lol.

My husband's family is more flexible, but they just visited last month so it will probably be a while before they come up after the birth. I'm fine with this, I'd like recovery and bonding time.

My friends can't really afford a big trip just to meet a new baby, so I have no idea when or how that will happen. Maybe not until we can pack up and visit them.

rn1stbae · August 2016

I view my house as my sanctuary too and tend to enjoy time here alone. I know PP can be different but I really don't look forward to people being here and messing with my routine. I'm also feeling a little possessive of this time and experience. I've done pretty much everything in my life on my own until meeting my husband. I'm very independent, basically because my mom couldn't have cared less about us growing up. I moved out of state at 17 and have been on the go since, so her sudden ownership of needing to validate herself by coming here to help me because I'll be "alone" is BS to me. I've been alone since I was a kid. If she had had a talk with me and was sincere I might feel differently, but she was rude to the point of everyone, including me, leaving the room when she started saying the things she was saying. I feel more comfortable with my in laws being here than her, they've always been helpful and supportive when we've needed it. It seems like a lot of people here aren't looking forward to having people come ambush them right away, so I'm glad I'm not the only one.

yellowrose314 · August 2016

Pretty much the only person who will be coming in from out of town is MIL, but she's thankfully staying at a friends place in town. But even then she assumed she would just hang out at our place all the time except to sleep, which neither of us were cool with. DH had to set some ground rules, like call before you come over, limit your visits to 2-3 hours because we need rest too, and staying out of the fridge unless we've given you permission. The last thing is mostly because she has a terrible habit of just helping herself to food no matter where she stays, and she eats and eats and eats and never chips in for groceries if she's staying with us. She did however ask what we'll need help with, which is a change, and DH pretty much told her if she could help out with laundry and light cleaning while she's visiting we would really appreciate it.

BernieRae · August 2016

Oh man, this thread is starting to stress me out thinking about all the visitors in the first few months! DH and I love being around family and friends, but are introverted in the sense that we need more down time and periods of no talking (we've already guessed baby will eventually throw a wrench in things and talk non stop). It's so great people want to make the trek to see us, but I know a revolving door of visitors (staying with us or not) would be overwhelming. So far we've got four sets of visitors over the first 3 months (starting est week 3pp) and I think I'm going to cap it there until baby arrives and we see how everyone is adjusting.

I think it's sweet that many of you want your family at the birth or soon after. Not for me though and so I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. Of course I'll probably wish we had some extra help in the early days, but I know I can't have it both ways.

asht · August 2016

I have been very firm on visits. My family is all close so they will visit at the hospital. My mother in law will be flying in about 2 weeks after baby is here as she is coming from Hawaii. My spouse is pretty ok with my limits. I have been very firm because when my other daughter was born my ex had visitors in the room before I was even out of recovery. I was not happy about having people meet my child before I did

toimadness1 · August 2016

@asht Most of my family also got to meet my firstborn before I did. I was so exhausted at the time that I didn't have the energy to be upset. But with our second born I really noticed how different it was just being the doctor, nurses and my husband. I felt that I got to enjoy my child so much more not having a ton of people around all wanting to see him immediately too. We'll be doing the same with this baby and family have been told they can help watch the other kiddos instead of being at the hospital the whole time.

Alyeena · August 2016

Is it wrong that I would have no problem with my mother and my sisters coming once we are back from the hospital, maybe a few days after. Even if they stay with us for a little while but that the tought of my in-laws spending more than two hours at once over here makes me anxious and nervous so much that I it could make me sick?

Maybe it is because I am so much more comfortable with my own family and I know that I can go in my bedroom for some alone time whenever I want, that I can take the time to breastfeed away from them, that I can eat whatever the hell I want with no (imagined, I am really anxious eating in front of most people) judgement, that I can wear whatever I want and feel no pressure for my house to be super clean.

I love my in laws and they are very nice people. But I just could never be as comfortable with them as I would want, I am always stressed out

I would just feel bad telling them to leave if my own family gets to spend days with us. They do live five to seven hours away and we only get to go see them ever two months. My in laws on the other hand live ten minutes away.

yellowrose314 · August 2016

@Alyeena I don't think that's bad at all, I love DH's family, but I'll never be as comfortable with them as my mom and sister. DH is even more comfortable with my family than his. Plus as you said, the IL's live 10 minutes away. I don't think it's unreasonable to have your family come visit, you could even do a mixer so everyone can come hang out for a bit and you might feel more comfortable since your family is there. I would just make sure that your DH is there to give you support if you get overstimulated and want some quiet time; it sounds like your family would be pretty respectful of that if they were staying with you.

mrsl0429 · August 2016

@Alyeena, the thought of my IL coming to stay for any extended period of time stresses me out. Mine are well meaning, but overbearing and tend to do what they think is best, not what we need/want.

I'm making it clear in advance that while my mother will be staying for a bit after LO is born, we may not be available to anyone else after we come home. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking you ILs to be respectful of this time when you three will be settling in. There will be plenty of time for them help in the future, since they live close to you.

Don't feel bad about not wanting to add stress to a stressful time, no matter how nice these people are.

Alyeena · August 2016

@yellowrose314 Thank you

A mixer sounds like a good idea, especially since it would not be just me and my husband and his family. And yes my family would never mind me taking alone time, I don't think his family would mind either to be honest, the feeling mostly comes from me, I would feel more pressure to entertain them.
But if my mom or sisters are here they can take care of that right?

@mrsl0429 Thank you, it makes me feel better that I am not the only one feeling this way. I do feel bad for my husband because he does want his family to see the baby and be there too. But at least in the first little while you're right it is adding stress that is not needed.

frogdog06 · August 2016

Our LO arrived early, ten days ago, and people have been constantly texting and asking to visit. I, too, feel like our home is our sanctuary for our nuclear little family only. @RN1stBae I've gotten into the habit of saying that either we have appointments and/or visitors scheduled for dates I don't want visitors and people respect that. Or just don't respond until you're ready.

For the most part, people have been respectful (other than wanting to come) and do bring food.

@Alyeena same boat!! Last time MIL came during my pregnancy, I cried (because she's annoying) and she left early. MIL is coming tomorrow night and leaving Monday morning - so I'll stomach her visit... but FIL decided to book *8* days at a nearby hotel, overlapping Labor Day weekend. I was seriously NOT thrilled with DH for not being clearer with his dad. That being said, we see them each maybe once a year...blargh, didn't want DH to feel uber bad, so I said we'll get through it..

jensou · August 2016

Having my inlaws here while in the hospital was nice. Because my oldest is 17 and while ok to be home alone for extended periods, my hubby was going to stay the night at home.

That being said, they're leaving tomorrow morning and I'm so glad. My BIL asked about my tearing and stitches. Ew. No. I just stared him down and said "I'm fine, thanks". Also he's tagged me in a bunch of Facebook posts and that is super annoying

MamaSquishyB · August 2016

Finally booked their visit... They will arrive on my due date and stay for 8 days. This baby better not be late!!

i don't have in laws close by... They're about 6000 miles away and I've only met them once. I wish they were closer, they're wonderful people!

mjpatzwa · August 2016

Alyeena said:

Is it wrong that I would have no problem with my mother and my sisters coming once we are back from the hospital, maybe a few days after. Even if they stay with us for a little while but that the tought of my in-laws spending more than two hours at once over here makes me anxious and nervous so much that I it could make me sick?

Maybe it is because I am so much more comfortable with my own family and I know that I can go in my bedroom for some alone time whenever I want, that I can take the time to breastfeed away from them, that I can eat whatever the hell I want with no (imagined, I am really anxious eating in front of most people) judgement, that I can wear whatever I want and feel no pressure for my house to be super clean.

I love my in laws and they are very nice people. But I just could never be as comfortable with them as I would want, I am always stressed out

I would just feel bad telling them to leave if my own family gets to spend days with us. They do live five to seven hours away and we only get to go see them ever two months. My in laws on the other hand live ten minutes away.

Alyeena this is exactly me! I have been feeling so guilty because my parents live 15 minutes away, but my in laws live 7 hours away and my SIL's family 4 hours away. In the past, his parents have always stayed at our house but we have hinted during their last two stays that the guest room is "no more" and it's now a nursery-- but they have said-- that's fine-- we don't mind air mattresses. This stresses me out to no end. My husband is supportive when we talk about agreeing that they need to stay at a hotel and that we aren't having guests while he takes his week off after the baby is born, but sometimes his mom pushes him. It seriously stresses me out.

My mom will definitely be coming by, but no other guests. My SIL, who made it very difficult for us to even come by for an hour (driving four hours each way in one day) for us to meet our neice when she was 3 months old said that they want to come down and stay before thanksgiving (when we would normally see them) and my jaw almost dropped. In my head, that's a hard "no."

I feel guilty but have been told by my friends and mom that "you do you" and they will all fall in line.

jensou · August 2016

@Alyeena stick to your guns, girl!

mrsl0429 · August 2016

Is it rude to basically tell my ILs that they are welcome to visit while I'm in the hospital, but once I go home, they should too? They live 4 hours away, and I'm planning on staying in the hospital for the max time (2 days). My mom (who lives 9 hours away) is staying for a few days, hopefully more. I would be okay with MIL coming back for a planned visit maybe a week or two later. I just don't know if it's rude to be like "thanks for driving all this way, go home now"

Thoughts?

mjpatzwa · August 2016

mrsl0429 said:

Is it rude to basically tell my ILs that they are welcome to visit while I'm in the hospital, but once I go home, they should too? They live 4 hours away, and I'm planning on staying in the hospital for the max time (2 days). My mom (who lives 9 hours away) is staying for a few days, hopefully more. I would be okay with MIL coming back for a planned visit maybe a week or two later. I just don't know if it's rude to be like "thanks for driving all this way, go home now"

Thoughts?

Not at all-- at least in my opinion. If my MIL pushes to visit-- I'll say that she can come to the hospital but we are limiting visits to 20 minutes (they seriously never know when to leave), but that for the next few weeks we are having "family of three" time. So, it's better that they look to come later when we know what we are dealing with and to stay at a hotel, etc.

MNturnsVA · August 2016

Personally- I have to say that you have to evaluate how helpful your visitors would be vs how much more work are they going to create for you. Also, this is going to be a time you can't get back- so having some quality one on one time with you and the baby as well as you and your spouse. The labor and delivery classes we took that were taught by a doula recommended a "7 day laying In time" after delivery once you are home. She said that the only visitors you should have during that time frame should be ones that are going to be helpful and not wanting to hog the baby- because that is time for you and baby and DH to get to know one another. So someone who is going to come and just hold the baby the whole time not not offer to do dishes or bring food or do laundry or overstay their welcome- is not really welcome.

Also- I would say it really depends on your relationship with the people in question......My mom has been insistent upon trying to be here for almost a whole month that could have possibly included before I actually go into labor as well as recovery time at home. Our goal is to do this 100% med free and my mom would completely mess up my "mojo" with that if she was here. There is NO personal space and she would be all up in my business. I don't have the time or energy to deal with her.

Mom has finally agreed to come out a little closer to what is suitable for what we would want/like-and it's after the estimated due date. Most first time babies are late and I intend to work full time up until I am in labor. I may go to 30 hours a week- but I'm not trying to have my mom sitting around my house either waiting on me to come home from work. And I'm not using my PTO to stay at home and entertain her......We have an ok relationship- but because of how she is- I just don't want to spend an extra long time with her.

Also- because she lives so far away- I didn't want her to come too early only for her to have to leave to go home and come right back.

I know she is not happy- but unfortunately- this is an experience and a time we will never get back. I've done my best to try to appease her and some of her schedule requirements/issues.....but also had to put my foot down more than once. So I think ultimately- you have to look at the big picture as a whole to know what's best for you.

Alyeena · August 2016

@mjpatzwa Eeeep air mattresses : / If I told someone "we don't have a guest room / space for you to sleep comfortably" I would hope they get the hint. I hope they end up staying at a hotel and giving you and you little family the space you need.

I know I will have to be firm with my in laws, but I don't want to create bad feelings either. I mean they are the kind of people who are offended when you leave before coffee/tea... I just hope my husband will be saying nicely that we need to rest otherwise I guess I will just have to take baby and go in our bedroom alone lol.

mrsl0429 · August 2016

Thanks @mjpatzwa and @MNturnsVA .... That's what I was thinking too. Guess we'll just have to see how it all goes!

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