Husband's Reaction Normal?

Knottie52901455 · August 2016

Hi all! I'm almost 7 weeks. My husband seems to be less than supportive. He doesn't seem very excited. He tells me all my nausea and sore breasts is in my head. I am more gassy lately and he gets angry when I fart and tells me I'm disgusting. He gets mad when i get excited for baby cause "we don't know anything till our first appointment." Did anyone else's husband's react this way?

MsTurney · August 2016

Mine did not, but he has been quiet as I am just shy of 9 weeks and it's still so early. It's a lot to take in, though no excuse for not entirely being supportive. He may be nervous and not sure how to express that. I would sit him down and explain how you feel. If he is not receptive, maybe give him some time.

Mccolpitts · August 2016

Mine said the same 'we don't know anything until a doctor confirms' but I think that was shock and fear more than anything. DH is not jumping up and down by any means but has never been openly hostile about my symptoms. That's not cool! So sorry you're having to deal with this

PattersRN · August 2016

*loss mentioned* my DH was like that with my first pregnancy. I think men feel a lot more detached because they're not carrying the baby. He made another insensitive comment that really hurt after I miscarried at 5 weeks. At that point I think he realized how much his comments hurt. When I got pregnant again, he changed his tune a little, but really didn't get attached until he saw the baby on an ultrasound.

nursemama-2 · August 2016

I'm going to probably have a UO, but I think your DH is being really insensitive. Saying it's all in your head and telling you that you are disgusting is too much.

I get that men take longer to build that attachment, but it doesn't mean he has to treat you that way.

EnglishTeacherMama · August 2016

I'm tagging on with NurseMama's UO. Please encourage him to read a book, like "So You're Going to be a Dad" or something similarly approachable. The baby's really there, you are really going through crappy symptoms as it grows, and he needs to deal with it NICELY. Everything else sucks, so he can't too.

If you can get your own copy of a parenting book (like "What to Expect When You're Expecting" or whatever), maybe make some bonding time by setting aside an hour each week, or whatever time works out for you, to each read your books. Bonus points if you can discuss stuff after. Setting aside time for communication like that has really helped my husband be supportive--and he is known to make insensitive comments fairly regularly, not just to me--so I think this is making a difference.

Liss_37 · August 2016

my husband wasn't negative per say but he definitely was in the 'can't get excited until the first ultrasound' mindset. nothing seemed real to him until then. i agree with the pp who said that a lot of it is attributed to worry and fear though and not necessarily him refusing to believe it. that being said him telling you that you're disgusting isn't right. sorry you have to deal with that

kiki75 · August 2016

I'm totally understanding of him trying not to get excited until the first ultrasound and trying to 'help' you to temper your excitement until it's a bit more certain.

However, the rest of it? Rude, insensitive, and just plain wrong. (I am assuming that you're not ripping loud farts as much as possible and at the worst times. If you are just being as gross as possible with them, okay, yeah, disgusting. Otherwise...) I'm sure he has access to the Internet. He can spend less time saying rude things and more time reading. Find some articles about the symptoms you're experiencing and send some links. I'd also be sure to bring those things up at the first Dr. appointment, too so he can hear it straight from a professional.

One thing you didn't mention is if this pregnancy was planned. If not, he may be having an issue with that that he needs to work through in an adult fashion instead of just being rude to you.

catem07 · August 2016

That's pretty classic gaslighting behavior, and it concerns me.

jmacd22 · August 2016

I wouldn't say it's normal. I think you should talk to him about how you feel about his reaction to the pregnancy. Maybe he doesn't know that his remarks bother you so much.

Cbeanz · August 2016

I think some guys are scared shitless of losing their freedom by becoming parents. Some deal with the fear more maturely than others. I second the idea to get him a dude-book about becoming a dad. If things don't get better after your appointment that's a red flag and I'd tell someone - midwife, counselor, etc.

darkeyednurse · August 2016

Thank you. I really need to try that. Hopefully first US will soften him

darkeyednurse · August 2016

Thank you all for your advice and concerns. I hope that once we go to our first appointment together he will come around. If not, we need to have a serious talk. I'm hoping his behavior is our of fear of losing the baby. But honestly there is not need to be insulting on his part. That I need to address with him NOW. thank you ladies.

darkeyednurse · August 2016

Thank you!! I agree completely

BaylieGirl · August 2016

My husband goes back and forth from being supportive to being a total ass! I farted in bed the other night and he went crazy and I ended up making him sleep on the couch. It's just a freaken fart!!! He also seems to think me being sick and tired and not being able to drink is a hall pass for him to go out and get drunk with the guys every weekend. I've reached my boiling point with that and that will not be happening anymore. I kept forwarding him articles explaining what morning sickness is like and how to be a supportive husband all week and he's finally gotten the hint.

pinnerk · August 2016

TW
We pretty recently experienced a loss to my BF is trying to be as excited as one would expect. He's being kind of course but he's not going to be over the moon probably until he gets to hold the baby. Which I totally understand. We will get to feel our babies move around and while he will too, that may not be enough. I'm sorry your DH is bring somewhat insensitive but I kinda get where he's coming from. Maybe get him a pregnancy book for expectant father's so he kinda knows what to expect as well. Because hating on you for the gas is not acceptable.

sammajane19 · August 2016

calling you names and belittling you is NOT normal and it is not OK. it is completely disrespectful to you as a woman and human being and it is borderline emotional abuse. i would talk to him ASAP.

onefootinthebayou · August 2016

I'm sorry to hear that he's made those comments, they are unkind and inappropriate. Is he typically that immature? It sounds like he may be fairly ignorant about first trimester symptoms/body changes. I like the idea PPs offered of getting him to read up a bit.

In our relationship, I'm the one with your H's POV (although admittedly not the rude comments), but I also didn't get excited (I'm still not that excited or connected, and am full of doubt that we did the right thing) until we got through to the first appointments to see it was actually there. I also tried denying many of my symptoms, and still have a tendency to do so, or blame them on other things. I have no idea if this is a self-defense mechanism in case something happens, or I'm just one of those people who won't feel a connection until the baby is on the outside, but pregnancy seems to leave widely variable impressions on all of us.

That said, I sincerely hope he improves his attitude and treatment of you...the way he is acting now is not appropriate and you're right to reach out about it.

kap1988 · August 2016

It took my husband a few weeks to feel connected to the pregnancy. I think it just didn't feel real for him at first. It took us almost a year and a half to get pregnant so it's not like it wasn't planned. I remember being a little bit surprised that he wasn't instantly in love and obsessed with the baby like I was. It did make me a little sad. But, even though he didn't feel all that connected to the baby at first, he was always supportive of me and sympathetic about my symptoms. And once we started to tell people he started to get more excited. Every few days he asks me what size fruit the baby is now and I have to remind him that it only changes once a week. I agree with everyone about trying to educate him about pregnancy. If he is going with you to your first appointment, that might help it to sink in that this is real and the first trimester is really difficult for you. I'm sorry that you aren't getting the support you need from him.

mrsyimster · August 2016

mine goes back and forth. when he says its all in my head. I tell him. im going to throw up in your face..

kristinc01 · August 2016

I think my husband doesn't believe my symptoms are as bad as they are. We haven't told anyone yet, but with our first baby, once we told people and some of his other women co-workers or friends would tell him their pregnancy stories, he started to understand a little more. I suppose if my husband complained about being sick every single day, I might start rolling my eyes too. But we've been there and understand. I got the book - Pregnancy, Day by Day that has colored pictures for every day of the pregnancy. I would usually read it and tell him the what was going on, including what I was experiencing and it coming from an "expert" book made my claims more believable. He would not read a baby book on his own, so that was my solution.

JustAnotherUsername16 · August 2016

I essentially see the validity of every single person's argument in here. There are pieces of what you (OP) said that I think your husband is justified in, but others that I think are way over the line and unacceptable for how he should be treating you.

I understand him not wanting to be excited or get your hopes up until farther in the pregnancy... It could be a defense mechanism to protect themselves (and you) in case something happens. And it's true that most men don't get as attached until the birth day when they actually get to see the baby for the first time. All of this can be understandable.

But making fun of you or calling you names because of your symptoms is absolutely unacceptable. I'm assuming you didn't climb onto yourself and knock yourself up - so you are both in this together and you both have a job. Your job is to build a tiny human. His job is to give you support and at least ATTEMPT to empathize. I realize that not all husbands will take late night trips to the grocery store because you are craving something, but they should at least offer emotional support. Instead of doing that, he is tearing you down and making you feel insecure because of symptoms you cannot control. This behavior needs to be addressed and corrected immediately.

GoldenTMama · August 2016

My husband and I have both been fairly tame about getting excited (we have had previous losses). But I get that your husband doesn't understand your symptoms. Thankfully my husband was not mean about mine (he didn't get angry at me for farting or being tired all of the time), but I honestly think this is the first time he is realizing what pregnancy symptoms really are. He has been doing his own research (I think it is because he is worried about how the baby and I are doing). So I feel like he finally gets it. He was never mean to me but I could tell with the first pregnancy that he didn't believe that I could actually be THAT tired, where I would literally get home from work and plop my stuff on the floor and get in bed, no dinner coming from me! This time around he is way more understanding and says things like, "oh yeah, I read that that was a common symptom online." Maybe you can encourage your husband to do some of his own research to understand what you are going through. The books PPs have pointed out are good, or if he isn't a big book reader, there is a lot of information online.

RunBooRun · August 2016

DH is way more excited than I am right now. It's hard to be excited when you're sick all the time. But, the real reason is that we haven't had an ultrasound or heard the heartbeat yet. I won't get excited until after that. So I can understand where he's coming from there.

As far as symptoms go, DH has been pretty supportive. I did get him a book, which he's reading along with the week that I'm on. I'll tell him something and he'll say "according to my book, that's normal". It really helped him to see it in writing from a professional instead of just coming out of my mouth. Also, he knows how I am normally and knows that I'm just not acting normal right now, so something must be really happening.

I can see that an uneducated husband might not understand just how bad symptoms can be this early. You don't look pregnant and the baby is so small. They probably think that the symptoms must be proportional to baby's size, right? I showed my DH that the hormones double so quickly in early pregnancy and that they actually peak at week 12 and level off. He was able to wrap his head around that hormones are what's making me sick, not really the baby. It made a lot more sense to him.

All that being said, your DH is being ridiculous. He needs to support you, not belittle you.

msimpy11 · August 2016

Are you okay @Knottie25901824? I know a lot of advice (especially when it comes to our beloved spouses) can be overwhelming and emotional. We are here for you and your farts!

betsy538 · August 2016

My DH isn't a baby person, he loved DS when he was born, but wasn't interested in going to appointments with me, listening to the doppler, feeling him move, etc. At the time it made me really a sad, but I also realize he processes things very differently. After we had DS, my grandma told me about how he would talk to her when I was pregnant, and he was so scared that something was going to happen to the baby or I, which makes sense that he was very cautious about the whole process.

darkeyednurse · August 2016

I hope he has!

darkeyednurse · August 2016

You are right!!

darkeyednurse · August 2016

Haha thank you hun!! Glad to hear it

AverageAsh · August 2016

darkeyednurse said:

Haha thank you hun!! Glad to hear it

You should hit the Quote button on the post you are replying to so it links.

darkeyednurse · August 2016

AverageAsh said:

darkeyednurse said:

Haha thank you hun!! Glad to hear it

You should hit the Quote button on the post you are replying to so it links.

Thank you for the tip! Newbie here lol

Want a personalized experience?

Husband's Reaction Normal?

Re: Husband's Reaction Normal?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Want a personalized experience?

Husband's Reaction Normal?

Re: Husband&#039;s Reaction Normal?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: Husband's Reaction Normal?