Late to this thread, but I wanted to echo everyone else. Thank you for doing what is right for your children! This is in now way your fault. I'm so sorry to hear about your DS getting hurt, but happy that your H was sober and has been by. I hope it is the beginning of him straightening up, but if it isn't, stick with your current approach. You rock and you will get through this, as overwhelming as it is.
Sending support! I don't have much else to say! Find some friends or family members to open up to. If he's willing to go, find a marriage counselor who deals with alcohol abuse. DH and I went through counseling, and it was hard but it got better. I'm not sure if this outcome would be the same for you.... We were not dealing with substance abuse. Don't go through this alone! Keep your kids safe. Reach out!!! Even when it's embarrassing!!! No one's life is as perfect as they make it look on fb.
Still no AA. Says he doesn't want counseling. Says he won't visit DS "on my terms" and I won't let him take DS. I'm at a loss.
I'm going to have to look into different job positions for after maternity leave so I don't have to work weekends. I was just offered a position as a home health nurse (I do not want to be a home health nurse) As it stands, this situation does not look promising. I thankful that I'm in a career that does offer options.
Aw no @SuperFudge00 sorry to hear that he isn't wanting to get help and that he won't do what's right for your kids. That's terrible. And that you may have to change up your work to get the hours you need. *hugs* hopefully he will come to his senses in time. You're doing the right thing.
I'm late to this, but I just want to add that I am really sad that you are going through this, but I commend you for staying so strong and for doing the right thing for your son, even though it is so, so difficult. Everyone else before me is right -- keep track of everything he says and document it all. It's so sad to hear about this type of thing happening, but just know that what you are doing is the very best in such a difficult situation.
I just want to share my experience, not because I think my experience is equal to yours, but just to give you some perspective from the side of the child. When I was about one year old, my mom had to escape from my alcoholic father with me and my older sister. She was in a foreign country at the time, and had to leave with us and whatever she could fit into a diaper bag so that he wouldn't be tipped off that we were gone and catch up to us. He was a danger to her, he was a danger to us, and she was able to stay strong and do what is best even though she was leaving with nothing. She came to the US, and even though she had absolutely nothing to start with, she did the best she could and I would say she did a darn good job of raising us two girls on her own!! A few years later when our father was granted visitation rights, he was still drinking heavily (and never did stop for his whole life). At one of our visits, he threatened to kidnap us and ended up driving us, drunk, about 2 hours back to my moms house when we wouldn't stop crying. I'm not saying they can't change, but I am saying it's a delicate balance between trust and safety.
It is a constant uphill battle but you can do this. Stay strong, reach out to those you need to, and just do your best!! Your son will love and appreciate all of this someday, and he'll know what a strong woman you are for doing this for him.
Late to the thread, but I just wanted to cheer you on. You are handling everything with dignity and grace and are doing an amazing job being an awesome mom.
Early leave will certainly ease your stress, good for you.
It's short advice, but if it were me I would be taking a step back and letting him do him and figure his shit out. Vows are for better or worse, sickness and health, and if you believe he is an addict I would try my best to allow ample time for him to come around to recovery. Does this mean you have to live together? No. If you believe he is making selfish decisions on his own and choosing to live like this that's another issue. Just keep yourself and babies safe. I don't know if you are or not but seeking personal counseling in lieu of his refusal to seek counseling would definitely help you cope. I hope he comes around. Hang tight.
Today is my first day of leave. I wanted to last one more shift (today) but I ended up going to L&D in the middle of my shift to rule out contractions. Once I got in the bed for monitoring, all pain stopped. Although I felt stupid for getting checked out, it reaffirmed my need, with professional recommendation, to stop pushing myself. I'm out 4 weeks earlier than I was with DS1.
Now im afraid that I'm going to spend all this newfound "free" time feeling sorry for myself. I'm already focusing on postpartum and being all alone with a newborn and toddler while recovering. I'm so scared. I'm thinking maybe I need to hire a postpartum nurse? Idk.
I'm still losing weight. I'm eating more but obviously not enough. I'm back to being only 3 pounds above prepregnancy weight. I have plenty of maternal stores so I'm not worried about baby, but I just don't know how long I can continue at the pace.
I've placed ads for nannies and asked around for unconventional daycares. My ultimate goal, aside fromH getting his shit together and doing this himself, is to find someone that can supplement my cousin's home daycare by picking up the boys from 5:30-7:45pm two days a week and staying with them one weekend day per week. Not only is this financially better but I want my boys with their cousins.
H said he went to AA but wouldn't show me a signed attendance form do he's just lying. He visited DS on Monday but refused to see a therapist with me that day. The therapist said it was for the better because he's obviously not ready and gave me the harsh reality that this is not a salvageable relationship.
I know I'll be okay. I know I'm doing the right thing for my boys. I am strong and I will be stronger for getting through this.
I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. You are coming out with such a positive attitude for your boys! That's a sign of a great mother. You are doing the right thing. Hugs
@SuperFudge00 I know it's tough but I'm actually glad you're out on leave already! The stress of this is too much without work on top of it. You are being so strong, such a force in your sons life, and your strength now will benefit him for the rest of his life. Hang in there, mama, we're here for you!!
@SuperFudge00 so sorry you're going through this, but I am glad to hear you've started your leave. Sounds like it's just what you need. You need to rest and relax before the baby arrives, especially with all of the added stress of H. Glad you're seeking help and are able to talk with someone about all of this. Stay strong mama, you got this!
@SuperFudge00 I so wish your husband could just get his s$!t together and want therapy, AA, and all of the good things that come with recovery, but sounds like he's still lost. Some day, he might realize how much he missed.
Mohave you looked into an au pair? Or do you have the room to have a college student live with you in exchange for a few days of baby sitting? We had a girl live with us for the first year-ish of DS, and it was wonderful. Granted, it takes a special person, but if it works...it's like having a sister in the house.
Just st wanted to let you know I'm still thinking a ot you lots, and am still happy to chat if you need the perspective of an AA regular.
@pilotswifey I do have an extra room. It's an option that I'm open to but don't know how to figure out compensation. I'm open to anything. Thanks for the suggestions!
So he went to AA this morning. I told him to come early to visit with DS. He got here and we were in the car. I told him we were going to the store and he could come, then I pulled up to the AA meeting. Told him we'd pick him up in an hour and he could spend time with him after.
He said at the very least he recognizes that the drinking is a problem since it's causing problems. He's agreed to go back. Time will tell.
Excellent news @SuperFudge00. It's absolutely true in my experience that admitting you have a problem is the first step. Let's hope this is the first step towards the rest of the steps!
There's no AA. He was drunk again on Wednesday night and demanding to get DS on Thursday. There's no hope. I've tried reasoning, pleading, threatening, and nothing works. I'm so scared of doing this on my own. I eat but I'm still losing weight. I now weigh only one pound more than I did prepregnancy. I'm enjoying all this one on one time with DS but I'm also so exhausted. I've been sending him to daycare once or twice a week so he can play with his friends. Looks like SS is going to be living with his mother soon.
He keeps threatening to get shared custody saying that I'm alienating him from his child. I keep going back and forth of common sense that a judge won't let him have unsupervised visits and the fear that I'll be forced to hand over my children to someone who puts them in danger. I've seriously thought of selling everything (my sole property) and just taking off. I still haven't found any lawyers that I feel confident about.
@SuperFudge00 I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how difficult it must be. Know that you're doing what's best for your children and keep searching for a good lawyer. I urge you to document all your interactions with him and gather evidence for court just in case.
You're doing a great job as a mom and you can do this!!
Me: 30 | DH: 32 Together since 2008 | Married 2012 TTC #1 October 2014 BFP #1 October 2014 | CP #1 October 2014 BFP #2 November 2014 | CP #2 December 2014 BFP #3 June 2015 | MMC at 16 weeks September 2015 BFP #4 January 2016 | EDD September 12, 2016 | Baby Ducks born September 5, 2016
@SuperFudge00 I just want to say that I am sorry that you are going through all of this and that you don't have a more positive update. I wish I has better words of support but wanted to say that I am thinking of you. I think you are one strong mama and am sending you creepy internet hugs. Please remember to take time to care of you as you deal with this.
I'm so sorry this is happening. It's clear you care so much about your son and your baby to be. I wish things would turn around for the better for you. It sounds like you're being very honest with yourself in what you need to do, which is admirable. Try and keep your head up!
I'm really sorry to hear all this. I've been thinking of you and hoping things would get better. You're obviously very strong though and will make it through this even though it will be hard. Thinking of you.
@SuperFudge00 you are absolutely doing the right thing. You'll find an attorney who makes sense for you. Record everything, get him on video if you can. You'll want evidence when you go to court.
His is battle is NOT yours. Take care of yourself and baby. He obviously isn't ready to deal with his issues. I still think an al-anon meeting would do you some good. They might be able to help you find an attorney too. You need a village. These people understand your situation better than anyone else. Give it a chance if you can.
So sorry to hear that he hasn't been to AA and that he's still drinking. Like PPs have mentioned, make sure you take note of everything just in case, but I can't see the courts ruling to allow him any visitation if he will be a danger to the kids. Either way, please take care of yourself and know that we are here for you.
I am thinking of you and praying for your strength and your family! You are doing the right thing and your children are going to be grateful to you for it. I hope you find all the in-person support that you need!
I'm really sorry you're going through this. You are definitely doing the right thing for yourself and your kids. Stay strong, mama. Things WILL get better. One day, all of this will be just a bad memory.
I finally told my sister. I hesitated because her opinion is very important to me and I didn't want to have to make this disclosure about H if I didn't have to. She of course is very supportive and surprised me (not by being supportive). When I told her how scared I was about managing everything once LO is born and I'm juggling the newborn and toddler and night feelings, she said that she is changing her work schedule and can come spend a few nights per week, at least until she goes to visit my niece in Paris in October. I literally started balling. Such a huge weight was lifted when she said that. I can't believe I didn't say anything sooner. I could have avoided some unnecessary stress.
Between her, my best friend and local family, I'm feeling much better about doing this on my own. Still an emotional wreck, but feeling better.
I'm so, so happy you are opening up to those around you and they are being so supportive! You are being so strong for your boys; you deserve to have someone you can lean on who can be strong for you! I'll keep thinking of you and hoping things get easier and easier. It's a long road but you're on the right track!
So glad to hear you've gotten the support you need from your sister. (As well as the others you've mentioned) having someone who you trust to listen and to help will be so valuable. That's great news.
That's so great to hear! It's such a hard situation but having family and friends there supporting you is the best thing you can ask for. I am glad you're feeling some weight come off your shoulders. I can tell you that not everyone would do what your sister is doing, she sounds like a great woman!
Re: Need to vent
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
edit: grammar...too many words starting with 'h' all in a row
::hug::
I'm going to have to look into different job positions for after maternity leave so I don't have to work weekends. I was just offered a position as a home health nurse (I do not want to be a home health nurse) As it stands, this situation does not look promising. I thankful that I'm in a career that does offer options.
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
I just want to share my experience, not because I think my experience is equal to yours, but just to give you some perspective from the side of the child. When I was about one year old, my mom had to escape from my alcoholic father with me and my older sister. She was in a foreign country at the time, and had to leave with us and whatever she could fit into a diaper bag so that he wouldn't be tipped off that we were gone and catch up to us. He was a danger to her, he was a danger to us, and she was able to stay strong and do what is best even though she was leaving with nothing. She came to the US, and even though she had absolutely nothing to start with, she did the best she could and I would say she did a darn good job of raising us two girls on her own!! A few years later when our father was granted visitation rights, he was still drinking heavily (and never did stop for his whole life). At one of our visits, he threatened to kidnap us and ended up driving us, drunk, about 2 hours back to my moms house when we wouldn't stop crying. I'm not saying they can't change, but I am saying it's a delicate balance between trust and safety.
It is a constant uphill battle but you can do this. Stay strong, reach out to those you need to, and just do your best!! Your son will love and appreciate all of this someday, and he'll know what a strong woman you are for doing this for him.
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
It's short advice, but if it were me I would be taking a step back and letting him do him and figure his shit out. Vows are for better or worse, sickness and health, and if you believe he is an addict I would try my best to allow ample time for him to come around to recovery. Does this mean you have to live together? No. If you believe he is making selfish decisions on his own and choosing to live like this that's another issue. Just keep yourself and babies safe. I don't know if you are or not but seeking personal counseling in lieu of his refusal to seek counseling would definitely help you cope. I hope he comes around. Hang tight.
Now im afraid that I'm going to spend all this newfound "free" time feeling sorry for myself. I'm already focusing on postpartum and being all alone with a newborn and toddler while recovering. I'm so scared. I'm thinking maybe I need to hire a postpartum nurse? Idk.
I'm still losing weight. I'm eating more but obviously not enough. I'm back to being only 3 pounds above prepregnancy weight. I have plenty of maternal stores so I'm not worried about baby, but I just don't know how long I can continue at the pace.
I've placed ads for nannies and asked around for unconventional daycares. My ultimate goal, aside fromH getting his shit together and doing this himself, is to find someone that can supplement my cousin's home daycare by picking up the boys from 5:30-7:45pm two days a week and staying with them one weekend day per week. Not only is this financially better but I want my boys with their cousins.
H said he went to AA but wouldn't show me a signed attendance form do he's just lying. He visited DS on Monday but refused to see a therapist with me that day. The therapist said it was for the better because he's obviously not ready and gave me the harsh reality that this is not a salvageable relationship.
I know I'll be okay. I know I'm doing the right thing for my boys. I am strong and I will be stronger for getting through this.
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
Mohave you looked into an au pair? Or do you have the room to have a college student live with you in exchange for a few days of baby sitting? We had a girl live with us for the first year-ish of DS, and it was wonderful. Granted, it takes a special person, but if it works...it's like having a sister in the house.
Just st wanted to let you know I'm still thinking a ot you lots, and am still happy to chat if you need the perspective of an AA regular.
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
He said at the very least he recognizes that the drinking is a problem since it's causing problems. He's agreed to go back. Time will tell.
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
He keeps threatening to get shared custody saying that I'm alienating him from his child. I keep going back and forth of common sense that a judge won't let him have unsupervised visits and the fear that I'll be forced to hand over my children to someone who puts them in danger. I've seriously thought of selling everything (my sole property) and just taking off. I still haven't found any lawyers that I feel confident about.
I just can't believe I'm in this situation.
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
You're doing a great job as a mom and you can do this!!
Me: 30 | DH: 32
Together since 2008 | Married 2012
TTC #1 October 2014
BFP #1 October 2014 | CP #1 October 2014
BFP #2 November 2014 | CP #2 December 2014
BFP #3 June 2015 | MMC at 16 weeks September 2015
BFP #4 January 2016 | EDD September 12, 2016 | Baby Ducks born September 5, 2016
His is battle is NOT yours. Take care of yourself and baby. He obviously isn't ready to deal with his issues. I still think an al-anon meeting would do you some good. They might be able to help you find an attorney too. You need a village. These people understand your situation better than anyone else. Give it a chance if you can.
Between her, my best friend and local family, I'm feeling much better about doing this on my own. Still an emotional wreck, but feeling better.
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!