I feel like I can finally let this out here

jwg9101 · August 2016

TW - baby, pregnancy, and loss mentioned

Ladies, I'm sorry if this isn't the place but I feel like I've found a group that might truly understand how I feel. I've put a brave face on to everyone else except my husband but I am just crushed.

After 17 years together without a single pregnancy (and no bc) my husband and I got pregnant unexpectedly last year. We were over the moon excited and started picking names. I knew immediately that I wanted to name the baby after my grandmotherl if it was a girl. My father's mother and his paternal grandmother were named Ella so we decided on that. I loved the name, he cried when we told him, and all was great. We were waiting until the baby was born to find out the sex. But my amniotic sac ruptured and our baby died at 17 weeks. I delivered her but she was so tiny and so curled into the fetal position that the nurse initially thought she was a boy and didn't want to move her enough to really find out (weird, I know but she had ABS and her legs were kind of banded together). Anyway, we decided to just stick with the nickname we gave her the night we found out we were pregnant.

When the results came back that it was a girl we were shocked and overwhelmed. I started thinking of her as my Ella and we talked about giving her that name but hadn't made a decision on it finally. We drove to my family reunion discussing it only to get there and find out that my cousin was pregnant. With a girl. That they are naming Ella.

I cannot describe how upset I was but I didn't want to talk about it or make them feel bad. There is no way they would have known and they were trying to be really sensitive to me because of our loss. But y'all, my husband and I got back to the hotel room that night and both of us just bawled. My DH said "that was my baby's name!" and I swear my heart broke even more.

Now it has been about a month and it still really bothers me. I don't know what I'm going to do when her Ella comes and she's beautiful and perfect. I can't even think about it without crying. I know intellectually that she is honoring our grandmother just like I wanted to but the petty part of my brain thinks "she was 6 when she died so she barely even knew our grandmother! I was 18 and we were so close!" Like everything else, it isn't fair. It just isn't.

Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long. I know there aren't any good words anyone can say - I think I just needed to get it out. I miss my baby so much and I know I'm going to love her little girl. It's just going to be so hard to deal with.

SnobunnieMel · August 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. It is almost unthinkable that they would name their daughter the same name. I can't even begin to imagine the depth of the pain you must feel from that. Please rent as much or as long as you need to. This is a safe place for that

chloe97 · August 2016

I'm so sorry. That's so truly heartbreaking. We named our baby girl who passed away at 13 weeks. We've never shared the name with anyone-it's just for us- so I can understand how it makes you feel to have your secret name unknowingly co-opted by your cousin. I can understand how you may feel like your baby girl doesn't even get her own name-the one thing you have to remember by.

I know you are in an impossible position there, because your cousin did nothing wrong, but I really hope that you and your husband find peace. Sending hugs your way.

Hopefulmommy1980 · August 2016

I am sorry for your loss. That sounds like a tough situation. I would cry and be upset too

fivetimesnoluck · August 2016

@jwg9101 I am so sorry for your loss. You're right it is just not fair. It sucks. But this is definitely a safe place to tell that story - I am sure that we all feel your pain and understand it.

Your Ella will always be in your heart and I am sure it's hard to imagine the way you'll feel when another child is born into your family who will take that name. There are so many triggers and so many waves of grief after loss, and it feels like this one is just too cruel. You and your husband are in my thoughts. I am sorry for your pain, but you are not alone. Sending you big, creepy internet hugs.

jwg9101 · August 2016

AliciaGoose · August 2016

I am so incredibly sorry. It is heartbreaking enough what you are going through without the added sadness of having a family member use the same name. I hope you and your husband are able to find peace. Until then, we are here as a safe place to vent. Hugs.

KarenBeth714 · August 2016

I'm so sorry. I completely understand, as I had something very similar happen with my cousin taking the baby name I chose for a girl, to name after my grandmother. I was so angry for a while, but I didn't let them know. In time, it passed and I thought of another name that I fell in love with. I wish you lots of healing and strength as well. Vent to those who you trust.

jade24422 · August 2016

I am so sorry. Your story brought me to tears, especially what your husband said. Vent as much as you need. I don't post much but I read here a lot and this group of ladies is amazing. So supportive. You are in a good place. I wish so much comfort and strength to you.

jwg9101 · August 2016

Thanks so much! It doesn't look like my earlier post worked but I just wanted to say thank you. It sucks that you are all in a position to understand but I truly appreciate having the support. And I'll take all the big Internet hugs I can get! That's not creepy at all to me!

silentP · August 2016

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. It's just so unfair. Big hugs to you at this time. We are here for you.

iceandsnowflakes29 · August 2016

*lurker*

Honestly, if this were me, I would name your daughter Ella anyway. Seriously. Your family member doesn't own the name.

When my husband and I were ttc I always knew my girl name. It was in stone, not up for negotiation. And I told DH IDGAF if my SIL or cousin named one of their daughters that name. That's fine. More power to them. But I was still going to use it. Sorry, not sorry.

Honestly, she can't get pissed. Look at how many Brittanys, Jessicas, etc. there are.

chloe97 · August 2016

@iceandsnowflakes29 I've been thinking about you a lot. I hope you are recovering well.

I think that @jwg9101is upset because she named her baby that she lost at 17 weeks Ella and her cousin is using that name, not knowing that it's the name that she and her husband named their baby. I can totally understand how many emotions that would bring up for OP- particularly feelings like her baby didn't matter even though no one else knows about the name they chose.

Naming a baby who has passed is something that helps with grieving, but it's also not something people like to share for a lot of reasons. My husband and I named our baby girl who passed at 13 weeks Lily, but I would only share it on this message board. I can't even imagine how upset I would've been if my cousin or close friend named their baby Lily right after my loss. Obviously, there is nothing that you can do about it- like you said people can use whatever names they want-but it hurts nonetheless. My good friend is naming her baby Henry- which is our boy's name. All I could think of when she told me that was that if I hadn't had my first MC, I would have gotten to use that name first. It was a painful reminder that I will have to live with every time I see her son.

jwg9101 · August 2016

@chloe97 that's exactly it. I won't use the name now and my husband and I are picking other names. It will pass, but I can only imagine seeing their adorable Ella and loving her but also aching a bit every time.

Cmckenzie · August 2016

I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing. Although I can not say anything to help you feel better, please know you are welcome to come here and vent in anger or sadness.

jwg9101 · August 2016

Thank you!

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