MIL's

WkoutMomtoBe · August 2016

Anyone concerned about involvement of their MIL while they're pregnant/after baby is born?

I am...she tried to be super involved with wedding which I could care less about details and hired a wedding planner. After 1 month of being engaged she asked my colors and when I said I didn't know yet she said "You need to just make a decision so you can check it off the list and move on". She also would call about details of flowers when I said I didn't know, going to florist with planner and depends on what's in season/colors. She then went and said what her daughters did and how they KNEW specifically what they wanted.

She's asked me twice if I wore the nightie she got me for my bridal shower (a bridal shower I did not want which my bridesmaids respected but she insisted so I was not going to be stubborn and turn down but it ended up being kind of awful and I was upset for a few days). She loves babies but I've witnessed her take SIL's newborn out of her arms while consoling/feeding him and BIL had to go take the baby back. She was clearly not happy when I said we had my dad/dog sitter watching our dog while on our honeymoon (they're 3 hours away) because she offered to bring the dog back as soon as we got in town to visit and stay the night. I nicely said I probably would not want visitors after almost 24 hours of flying and 5 hour time difference.

Anywho, this is our first but will be her 5th grandchild and he has a close family whom I love but I'm not used to the intrusiveness and weird questions. My mom died 13 years ago so this makes it a little harder.

I know it's a silly worry and I'm trying not to think but I know once we announce to them at 12 weeks the texts/phone calls will be annoying. DH already said shes not going to like that we're not finding out gender nor telling our name choices. I know she'll hound "How can we buy presents...."

Anywho, just a Sat morn vent

catem07 · August 2016

I'm sorry you're in that position and am also sorry about the loss of your mom. My MIL is more hands off than yours, so I can't really commiserate. It sounds like you may have to talk with your DH and make a plan for how to deal with your MIL.

pinkshades05 · August 2016

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

My MIL is very hands off but when she does get involved she has no consideration for other people. It drives me crazy. It took a lot of fights with my DH and incidents with my MIL before he finally stared telling her "No" and looking out for our best interest instead of hers. It's good to have these conversations of what you will allow and not allow and then have a plan to enforce them. Boundaries aren't evil--you will have a better relationship with your in-laws when they can respect you and you aren't feeling resentful of them.

PreDempsey · August 2016

IL's live 3 hours away? If that is the case then at least you have some distance (no drop ins, etc.). My MIL and I have a great relationship and I do believe it is due in part to the 13 hours between us.

Like yaeger said, I think you have to make sure your DH is on the same page when it comes to boundaries.

We were TG with my first and everyone, I mean everyone will have an opinion on you not finding out the sex. Just laugh it off and tell people there are plenty of neutral things they can get and how glad you are that you aren't going to end up with 100 pink tutus or baseball hats.

leslieknope · August 2016

Agreed, this is a battle your DH is going to have to fight, assuming she does cross a line.

But I would caution you to choose your battles. Not everything is the end of the world, even though it can feel like it to a first time parent. I tend to be pretty breezy about most things, but we set clear rules with my ILs when it comes to important things.

mrsstuessy · August 2016

I agree with @leslieknope. You need to pick your battles. There are issues that are worth fighting. Like, if she is attacking you as a person, or your family that is bad. If she is going against the rules you have with your children that needs to be addressed. If she is belittling you and making you feel like crap that is way not ok. But, if it is just something in her personality that drives you a little nuts that is something that honestly can't really be changed and it is a little unfair to ask her to change her personality. That being said, boundaries are good. But, she will be in your life forever. Don't turn everything into a fight. Pick the most important things and stand very firm on those and let some other stuff slide.

edit: hit save to soon.

bwo · August 2016

I can so relate to this...this was so me before I had my son. My mother can be over-the-top and a little melodramatic, and my MIL is pretty passive aggressive. I didn't want a lot of attention or questions or judgment or unsolicited advice, so I just wanted to cut everyone out and demand my privacy and space. I didn't even want anyone visiting us the first couple weeks after the baby was born. But...after that baby comes a lot of things change. You need all the help you can get, and anyone who is excited about the baby and wanting to help out (even in their own weird way) is a blessing. Both my mom and MIL still annoy the bejesus out of me, but I've had to learn to accept their personalities and be thankful for the good parts. Like others have said, set the boundaries you believe you deserve and don't feel guilty about it. If they take it personally that's on them. Hoping you can find some peace about this!

STM2017 · August 2016

Oh I have so many comments. Firstly, it's good that you know now how she can be so you can start mentally preparing. My MIL is the sweetest woman in the world. I love her dearly. But our relationship changed DRASTICALLY after DS was born. I had some PPD and she did not understand that/was not respectful of it. She is very demanding of his/our time, even now (he's 14 months).

We we have not yet announced our pregnancy (5w1d), but I think we are going to have to have a conversation about expectations, especially in the early weeks/months. I think it would be good for you and/or DH to talk to your MIL. I didn't know how I would feel post partum, and did not expect PPD. Dealing with my MIL made things much worse for me. So we will be trying to prepare as much as possible this time around and lay down some boundaries/expectations early.

I'm here if you need to chat!

blackasnight · August 2016

It is all about boundaries. You do not have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. You, your DH and your baby's needs/wants come first.

While I was pregnant with my first baby, MIL wanted a nursery for her house and asked how soon the baby would be able to spend the night. DH shut that down. She wanted to buy a car seat for her car, but DH shut that down. She had big ideas of taking care of the baby once a week to give me a break, DH shut this down.

We aren't telling her about this new pregnancy for a while.

firewife86 · August 2016

Ohhhhh how I can relate. I'm dreading telling my in laws we are expecting, even though it will be my 3rd child and her 6th grandchild. She constantly needs to be the center of attention, and if something else starts to overshadow her, I assure you she will make a scene out of nothing. With my first, I was induced at 34wks bc of complications, she drove 2 hours to the hospital and was MAD I wouldn't let her up to the room after we specifically told her NOT to come, that we weren't even CLOSE to having a baby. Fast forward a few days and she would show up to my house unannounced, let herself in and come "help me" by holding my baby and tell me all the things I should be doing. She took my oldest to her first movie, her first fair and her first festival after we expressed wanting to experience those with her first. By the time my second came around, we didn't even tell them I went into labor. They got a call after the baby was born. I breastfed my second for a year. I was criticized for not giving her a bottle for the first 3 months because how.was my MIL going to feed her?!... we went for almost 4 months of barely.speaking last spring when she accused me of keeping her from her grandkids. She refused to follow any rules we gave her with our children, so she was long longer allowed to watch them. My oldest was bit by her dog not once, but twice. She was feeding my EBF 4mo old cupcakes and bottles of water because "it's not.going to kill her"... ohhhhh I could.go on and on. So.i feel you. Setting boundaries doesn't always work. Sometimes less information is more

STM2017 · August 2016

@firewife86 Your post just gave me anxiety. Wow!!!! I can't believe she would do those things!!!! I am so so so sorry!!

I am still breastfeeding my 14 month old and I think my MIL is grossed out by it. Every time we see her she asks if I still am, and then tells me I should stop because it hurts if he bites. Thanks. I know that.

firewife86 · August 2016

@stm2017 my FIL was totally weirded out about the BFing and I made sure I was less than discreet around him

BluesGal10 · August 2016

I'm not worried, because she's 5 hours away. However, I did love coming back from my girls week vacation with friends last week and finding out that she'd called DH to tell him we didn't have to have kids if he didn't want to. Too late, sunshine. 6 weeks too late.

runningpenguin · August 2016

BluesGal10 said:

I'm not worried, because she's 5 hours away. However, I did love coming back from my girls week vacation with friends last week and finding out that she'd called DH to tell him we didn't have to have kids if he didn't want to. Too late, sunshine. 6 weeks too late.

Why on earth would she say that? Was that what the whole conversation was about? So weird.

Magheeta · August 2016

runningpenguin said:

BluesGal10 said:

I'm not worried, because she's 5 hours away. However, I did love coming back from my girls week vacation with friends last week and finding out that she'd called DH to tell him we didn't have to have kids if he didn't want to. Too late, sunshine. 6 weeks too late.

Why on earth would she say that? Was that what the whole conversation was about? So weird.

True story: My MIL told me she wished DH's brother and wife wouldn't have children. Now that they have one and another on the way, she's the best grandma ever. SIL is super sweet, too, so I can't believe she would say something like that about her. Lord knows what she's said about me.

Dax28 · August 2016

Wow, I'm sorry for all those with MIL drama. I'm lucky because I have a great relationship with my MIL. We regularly have lunch and go on hikes/walks because she only lives 7 minutes away. She was very supportive after our loss and see will be a great asset when the little one is born. Will probably let her know about the baby this week or next.

BluesGal10 · August 2016

runningpenguin said:

BluesGal10 said:

I'm not worried, because she's 5 hours away. However, I did love coming back from my girls week vacation with friends last week and finding out that she'd called DH to tell him we didn't have to have kids if he didn't want to. Too late, sunshine. 6 weeks too late.

Why on earth would she say that? Was that what the whole conversation was about? So weird.

Beats the hell out of me. Threw me off, too, considering we went camping with them in June, and she was the one that brought up grandchildren. Not a month later, she's calling her son - when she knows I'm out of town - to tell him he doesn't have to have kids if he doesn't want to. It's my understanding that he "nicely" informed her that we had talked long and often about it before deciding this was the year to start trying. When we first got married, she thought she had an input on our finances, now she thinks she has an input on this. *sigh* I know they talked about other stuff, but he felt the need to tell me that tidbit. I asked him to not tell me stuff like that anymore, as I'm trying really hard to like this woman, and this garbage makes it very difficult.

SnarkasaurusRex · August 2016

Dax28 said:

Wow, I'm sorry for all those with MIL drama. I'm lucky because I have a great relationship with my MIL. We regularly have lunch and go on hikes/walks because she only lives 7 minutes away. She was very supportive after our loss and see will be a great asset when the little one is born. Will probably let her know about the baby this week or next.

Same. My MIL is fantastic...it's my mom that's the total whackadoo.

You guys that are struggling with crazy in-laws are amazing. Hang in there!

peachy0709 · August 2016

My MIL and I went to being very close to being MORTAL ENEMIES after the birth of DD. She was controlling, obsessive and just downright not helpful. It has put a major strain on her relationship with my husband/her son because he witnessed first hand how insane she was. I have so many stories, but I'll just leave you with 2:
1. When DD was born, they told us they would be by (they lived 2 hours away at the time), "sometime the first week" to give us a chance to get settled. Then they heard my mom was on the road from GA (a 10 hour drive) and they literally RUSHED to the hospital. Not just my MIL and FIL, but they brought DH's twin siblings in tow as well. So four people just came, unexpectedly, and kind of like hungry dogs desperate to see the baby before my mom. So then while MIL is holding the baby, she kept poking her a little bit and my husband's sister asked why and she said "I just want her to wake up so I can see her eyes." WTF is wrong with you???

2. I had a fourth degree tear. The recovery is not as severe as a c-section, but it's not great either. One week postpartum, MIL was visiting and DH had a stomach bug so he was sent far, far away from me. Our dog was whining to go out, and I asked her if she'd take her out. She more or less refused, and said "I could hold the baby while you walk her." I'M NOT SUPPOSE TO BE WALKING A TON. Bitch had three c-sections so she should KNOW BETTER.

Oh my god I could go on. This is not helpful because I have no advice except maybe for what not to do (hate her so much you get heated just thinking about her).

ladameperdue · August 2016

@kcasset Uhg, that's bad.So many family members think "helping" with a new baby is coming over to hold the baby. Nope.

I'm slightly jealous of those with MILs who just spew their crap outright. My passive-aggressive MIL is queen of backhanded insults, given in such a skillful way that if you dared respond, she (and all the men around) would be like "Why, what do you mean? That isn't what is being said at all." She has always treated me like a dirty American.

bwo · August 2016

@ladameperdue. Ugh, that is so my MIL. It's like the insult is so subtle that you are the only one that picks up on it, and if you say anything you seem like the lunatic. She's also an expert at giving no response at all, just silent disapproval.

mokay19 · August 2016

@ladameperdue omg the passive aggressive bitchiness is totally my MIL, too! It's frustrating because I can often get along with my MIL, but sometimes I have to walk away and stand outside with the dog to breathe so I don't slap anyone haha.

My most annoyed times with my MIL always were when she would ask DH via FaceTime (while I'm in the room) if I'm pregnant yet. And when he would say no, she would ask "what are you guys waiting for?" Well, it took us 11 months, about 15 doctor's appts over a few month span, and working with an RE to even get here so that question always made me instantly pissed.

Also, about 6 months ago she posted an article on my Facebook that was "15 cute ways to announce your pregnancy." I got so many texts and phone calls asking if I was pregnant before I realized what happened. To say that I was angry is an understatement.

STM2017 · August 2016

@kcasset, it sounds like our MIL's would get along very well. I was also close with my MIL until DS was born. And she did similar things to yours. We told people they could come to the hospital anytime after 4:30. She showed up at 4 so she could be there first. When she came over, she would hold DS while I cleaned. The worst was when she came over and didn't even hold him while I cleaned! She sat on her butt looking through DH's baby book to compare them, while I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. Don't even get me started. But I think you and I have a lot in common girl. I hear ya!

catem07 · August 2016

I pray for the strength to tell anyone who comes over post-baby, "I could really use your help with X" and not let them hold baby until they've done it. Is that mean? Maybe I'll start that on someone's second visit.

Rileypie · August 2016

@ladameperdue that us totally my MIL. Took my husband years to understand how awful she is to me. It's so frustrating and exhausting dealing with her. She is better now since DD and is actually a wonderful gma....well when she sees her. DD is over 2y and she has only seen her a handful of times. She lives 4 hours away, not like it's across the country. But I'm so happy we hardly ever see her. I'm so jealous of the sweet loving MILs

M&Max · August 2016

Oh MILs... When our son was born, we came home from the hospital on my birthday. We kept trying to tell them over and over that while it was very sweet they wanted to come over to celebrate my birthday, all I really wanted was a quiet first day home from the hospital with my little boy. Sure enough, they came over, brought dinner and proceeded to tell me that they were helping by holding him for me. All this while I ended up doing the dishes and my DH tried to heard them out of the house as quickly as possible. She's a sweet lady but she just doesn't quite see the bigger picture some times...

lemoncookie09 · August 2016

When I had my first, I went in for an induction at 8 on Monday night and did not have her until 3:15 Wednesday morning and did not sleep at all between when I woke up Monday morning and finally got to my recovery room just before 7 Wednesday. We told my IL's that we both needed to rest before they came up (they live 2 hours away). They completely ignored that and showed up at our house with their dog (my husband had run home to shower and take a quick nap). They then came to the hospital and showed up as I was getting out of the shower, and my H had to clean up blood I had dripped on the floor before they came in. They stayed for about 4 hours in my room, then had to go out to eat with my H, then he had to take them back to our house so they could get their stupid dog before going home. I am still bitter that and it won't happen again. This time, they won't know the baby is here until after I am ready for visitors!

runningpenguin · August 2016

catem07 said:

I pray for the strength to tell anyone who comes over post-baby, "I could really use your help with X" and not let them hold baby until they've done it. Is that mean? Maybe I'll start that on someone's second visit.

Nope not mean. "Oh you're not really interested in helping? I'm not really interested in handing over my baby but by all means, sit there and look pretty."

Want a personalized experience?

MIL's

Re: MIL's

Choose Another Board

Search Boards