Feeling very lost

Isthisthereallife · August 2016

Hi everyone,

So I most recently had my very first IUI and with it, a BFN. I'm trying really hard to be realistic (First time IUI success rates are so low, low sperm count, moons not aligned right), and I'm trying not to let it break me. But honestly, I feel pretty broken, and alone, and irritable. The last couple days things have really been getting under my skin, poor DH is afraid to breath in my direction, I cry all the time. I try to talk to him about it and he's always so logical about it which makes me feel even more crazy. Like I'm feeling all the emotions, and he's just okay. Has anyone else ever experienced this? How do you pull yourself out of the IF misery hole?

joneser1281 · August 2016

@Isthisthereallife You are definitely not alone! I feel this way all the time... You are justified in your feelings. I think it's very tough for our DHs to understand exactly what we're going through sometimes, no matter how hard they try. My DH gets mad at me often because he says I'm too negative. I know he's right, but we've been disappointed so many times, it's hard to feel any other way sometimes. I like that you are moving forward and that you're not going to give up (I see another IUI coming up in your stats). When we've received bad news, I give myself a good day (or two!) to be emotional... Cry as much as I want... Lay on the couch as much as I want... Have some drinks... Whatever it is that may help me feel better. After that, I try to put on my "big girl pants" haha and just keep going because as hard as it is, I know we'll never have that baby unless we keep going. We'll try again, we'll keep going, we won't give up. I say give yourself the time you need to grieve and be sad. Then tell yourself ok, what can we do next? You can do it... And when you need to complain about it, that's why you have us.

skysong113 · August 2016

@Isthisthereallife I'm sorry you are hurting. I don't have much in the way of advice, what with being pretty new to the whole IF thing. All I have is take care of yourself, do what you need to do to help yourself, and don't feel bad about feeling bad. Try not to get upset about how your DH is reacting, people react to things differently and deal with pain differently. Take care of yourself- whether that's a drink and a movie, ice cream and Netflix, yoga and acupuncture- whatever you need as a bandage for the soul. Thinking of you.

MMD1986 · August 2016

Receiving a BFN after your first IUI is really tough. At least it was for me, more so then the second time around. It is so hard not to get your hopes up even though the chances of it working are not great. Just keep you head up, but know its ok to be sad as well. I hope your next IUI is a success!

JamieH2000 · August 2016

@Isthisthereallife - Sorry you are having a hard time. I totally know how you feel. Honestly, besides losing a loved one or cancer, I really can't think of anything that is harder than infertility. So understand its ok to feel how you do and its not just you. I have found my DH to be similar to yours. It seems like he can just be fine, and I'm not. I think guys typically just want to "fix" things and this really can't be fixed easy. I really wish I had the answer on how to pull yourself out of the hole... but I never really figured that out. For me, it just took time. It took 3-4 days of grieving for each bad news before I could pick myself up really. I am not sure what your plans/limits are, but for me, knowing that we would go all the way to IVF to achieve this if needed gave me comfort. When you feel a little better, maybe have a serious talk with your DH about your options and what you are willing to do (IVF, adoption, etc). To me, having a plan, helped me get through this the most. Thinking of you and hoping you start to feel hopeful again soon as you start your next cycle!

babylonghorn16 · August 2016

@Isthisthereallife agree with pps. IF is horrible. I really thought our first IUI worked, and was devastated when it was a BFN. DH didn't know how to react and ended up hurting my feelings with the same logic you mentioned. Guys really are just a different species sometimes lol! I don't think they will ever understand the NEED to have a child like we do. But they really do care, they just have a different way of expressing emotions. I will say this journey has gotten better with time. The beginning is SO overwhelming and I felt so naive to it all. Now that I know more, I feel better equipped to deal with negative outcomes. Just have to remember to stay positive. My journey was longer than I expected, but my faith has grown stronger bc of it. I pray you find success soon!!

Isthisthereallife · August 2016

joneser1281 skysong113 MMD1986 JamieH2000 babylonghorn16 Ladies, thank you so much to each and every one of you. Yesterday was a really hard day for me and your words of encouragement really helped pick me up. I went home, helped DH do work on the house, ate ice cream and passed out. It was a good way to end the hard day. Feeling much more positive now. Thank you all so much! I wish you so much success and baby dust to you all wherever you are in your journey.

Joslynj11 · August 2016

@Isthisthereallife I tried to come give my piece last night from home but was having SO much trouble from my tablet I couldn't post. I think a lot of ladies have given some great words of wisdom though as this part of the process is NEVER easy. I know I put all of my energy and excitement into my IVF cycle and then what lead to my FET that I was crushed when it came back as a BFN. I didn't know how to make it through a day without crying, it was awful! I cut off friends, I cut off my co-worker, and I was even short with DH when it came to my feelings. It was a long and sad time before I was able to become more hopeful again and even now I still walk on egg shells as I approach my upcoming beta because I just can't stand to be crushed again. But I will say that it started to get easier and a little less sad. I hope that helps!

Isthisthereallife · August 2016

Thank you, @Joslynj11. This process is just so emotionally draining most days!

Joslynj11 · August 2016

Yup! It has been one very long roller coaster and I can only hope, pray, dream, and believe that one day soon my wildest dreams can finally come true

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