Couvade Syndrome

dmontgo · August 2016

I know we've all heard of Couvade Syndrome, where the male involved has sympathy pregnancy pains, gains weigh, etc. I need some advice--not meant to be a humorous post.

DH called me this morning very, VERY upset. He has gained almost 20lbs since I've become pregnant, which is way more than I have so far. He's been flagged in the military, aka put on "The Fat Boy Program." DH is not even close to obese, and if you looked at him you would not be able to tell he has gained weight (he is 5'11 and weighed 217 this morning). He has a little bit of a tummy, but otherwise has skinny arms and legs.

He feels like absolute shit, and I am at a loss of how to explain how he has gained that much weight, or what I can do to help him. The biggest thing I can think of is getting very strict about the food in the house and eating a lot more whole foods and see if that helps. He wants to be vegan, but I can't do that right now without feeling faint, although I have incorporated a lot more plant-based meals in our eating. Someone had joked with him about Couvade Syndrome, and I'm beginning to wonder if that has something to do with it. It's not like he sits around eating all day...unless I just am not around when he does?

He doesn't blame me, but I feel bad because I know how hurt and ugly he is feeling and that makes me sad. What can I do to help? Has anyone experienced this before? Does it go away after the baby is born? This post probably sounds stupid, but I don't want DH to feel so bad.

Thanks ladies.

slartybartfast · August 2016

This does sound like a delicate issue. I think I would just try my best to support a healthy food environment in the house while not sacrificing my own nutrition. And maybe not make indulgences a shared experience unless it's a special occasion or something. Good luck!

slartybartfast · August 2016

Oh it also occurs to me that the arrival of new baby and having to deal with MIL may be stacking a lot of mixed complicated emotions on top of everything so that may be playing a part? You too sound like such a supportive couple so I feel like any advice I would think of regarding being compassionate there, you've got covered

dmontgo · August 2016

@slartybartfast He is in a very stressful season of life. He is going to school full time, he works part time, and he also goes to drill one weekend a month (he is former active duty) on top of a baby on the way. He is very intelligent, but struggles in school, and his boss is a micromanager.

He hasn't expressed any negative feelings about Ashton at all, but I know he's feeling the school/work/military crunch. Going NC helped relieved stress because now we don't have to deal with MIL, but a lot of stress is still present.

I'm up for a raise at the end of next month, so I'm considering telling him to at least stop his part time job and lessen his load (he works off the books for a friend). His self-image is just in the garbage lately and it hurts to see him like that. I think he probably has been eating more to cope, I just hadn't been paying attention. Sigh.

DiFazette · August 2016

DH has gained weight both of my pregnancies. I feel like when I have an extra snack or protein before bed to keep me full he uses that as an excuse to make popcorn or something with empty calories. His weight gain has been 5-8 lbs give or take, so nothing crazy.

Have you guys been less active this summer? The brutal heat here over the past month plus a summer, twin pregnancy is keeping all of us inside more than I care for. Wondering if that plays a part since I know we get the same weather.

dmontgo · August 2016

@DiFazette Yeah, we've definitely been staying in a bit more than we normally would. I can't handle the heat while pregnant. X.X
He starts school again in the fall, but I'm hoping we can take advantage of the cooler weather and spend some more time outside. It's been difficult since we both are generally very active.

princesslockness · August 2016

@dmontgo, I don't have experience, but is there a hobby you two can do together? H and I play pinochle at the local seniors center when ever we can. It is really the only time H over eats/eats bad snacks. If I can keep him limited to bad/extra food during that time it slows down his weight gain and body issues. The rest of the week we are basically soda and junk food free.

princesslockness · August 2016

Sorry about 2 posts, but the app hates paragraphs and it bothers me if I need them, and can't have them. The rest of the time I try for cute fun snacks. Like celery, peanut butter, and raisins. Or a yogurt, cheese and crackers type of thing. That way if H decides to join they aren't empty calories. I also try to make sure we have enough data so that he can walk the dogs and play Pokemon at least every other day. That has really helped him feel better about himself. He gets to play his game, and I don't have extra excited dogs to deal with.

maamawaabangi · August 2016

My husband has a condition where he has to eat a low histamine diet but the rest of us don't... We've also done diets where he does vegetarian and we don't. I would say that was the easiest one to accommodate. As long as he can hack only him eating that way, and you not.
I'm sorry, that is hard... I'd also have him go to get a physical and have blood work done... There can be explainable reasons for sudden weight gain... But likely its stress.

dmontgo · August 2016

@Kate08Young We like to do a lot of things together, whether it's play games (including Pokemon), have movie nights, exercise, cook, or our favorite--exploring new places!

I feel like a lot of it is my fault because I'm not my normal active/exercising self, and it's so hot and humid where I am that it takes me down very quickly, even if I'm hydrated. We had tried going on Poke walks later in the day, but the humidity makes it rain every evening. I've been slacking off with cooking, although I'm picking it back up. Movie and game nights can definitely open us up to junk food, although we don't keep much in the house. Typing it all out makes me feel awful.

I need to find a decent variety of healthy snacks for the house--I think that will help a lot too.

He's almost home from his trip, so we're going to have a long talk about it and see how we can work together to help him feel good about himself again. It hurts my heart to think he doesn't like something about himself when I think he's the bees knees. I'll be sure to post an update.

Thank you ladies for being awesome.

cgss11 · August 2016

DH gained 20 pounds since our wedding (June 2015). At a physical he also learned he has high cholesterol, which was right around me being 12 weeks pregnant. So I know this isn't exactly the same, but I can share how he/we are dealing with him working on losing weight and me pregnant.

One big thing for him was he was eating convienence food at work, at his desk. Now, every week he gives me a list of things to get at the store instead. I would gladly pack him a lunch, but he's more of a grazer at work so I cut him up lots of fruits and veggies, hummus, cheese sticks, etc.

For dinner, I mostly cook the same stuff but do try to be mindful of him, but our dinners were never that awful to begin with. Now, he measures out his portions (or I do it for him). We have also been eating out a little less on the weekends. That part kinda sucks for me, but it's really not that big of a deal.

Exercise and finding time is the hardest. I've always liked to eat dinner around 5:30, but when DH gets home from work at 5:30, he would eat with me, then we would just watch tv until bedtime (8:30/9ish in our house). Now, I push dinners back later so he can exercise when he gets home. It cuts into our tv time, but we have lived so far lol. If I get too hungry waiting, I just eat, but still sit with him when he's ready. I'm also trying to make sure I leave him time on the weekends to exercise. I definetly am a planner and want the move done and the babies room painted and furniture built like yesterday, but reality is we have time. And again, the world won't end of we don't have time for one more episode of tv.

That got long, sorry, but just some ideas that are working for him/us. It helps that he really felt like he needed to do this, and he has that type of personality to just put his head down and stick with it.

dmontgo · August 2016

@cgss11 These are awesome suggestions, thank you!! I want to start making his lunches, but was at a loss for ideas. This is perfect. When I cook, our dinners are generally very healthy, but I have been majorly slacking and need to get on that.

Giving him time to exercise will also lift his spirits, I think. Thank you!

penelope4612 · August 2016

@dmontgo - I understand feeling bad for DH bc he is feeling bad (and weight/appearance is something that sucks to feel bad about) but this is NOT your fault. You're growing a human and life is limited right now. There are pros and cons to everything.

My DH was counting calories before I got pregnant and then he stopped. He is regaining weight. We've also stopped going to the gym bc I was too tired in first tri and in second tri when I do go I get winded/tired easily. However, I'm walking 1 mile to/from work everyday and he's not. So his weight is up. He knows how to get rid of it. He's welcome to go to the gym without me. I'm back to making healthy dinners and he can count calories. If he doesn't want to, that's fine too. But I can't control his weight - he has to want to and make step to do so.

tinattt23 · August 2016

FI has gained about 10-15 pounds as well and is now heavier than he's ever been. The heat/humidity have kept us inside and inactive. And I just haven't gotten back into a good cooking routine after first tri food issues. Just being supportive is the best thing you can do. Make sure he knows that you still find him attractive in whatever ways work for you, be it through your words or physically. Besides that's, I'd just try and keep healthier food in the house. Try and be as active as you feel up to and invite him to join in with you. I've actually started prenatal yoga at home and FI has done it with me a few times just for fun.

Christinaruth74 · August 2016

Just coming in to reiterate some things already said.. It's to take on the brunt of the guilt in this situation because you are the catalyst of the biggest change right now to your routines and relationship, but this is totally not your fault.
my H and I both have gone through seasons of this since having DD1. Becoming pregnant with her totally turned everything upside down as far as our eating and exercising routines went.
From what you've said in the past, it sounds like you guys have really great communication so I don't doubt that this is something you will tackle together effectively. It's tough watching your SO struggle with something like self-image especially when you think so highly of them all around. But I'm sure your support in wanting to communicate through this and work toward a solution will mean so much to him right now.

dmontgo · August 2016

Thank you everyone for the kind words!

DH got back from his trip and we ate some black bean burritos I whipped up. We talked about the weight and self-image issues, and came up with some goals. He was in a much better mindset than this morning.

He said he was so upset because the guys made him feel like a failure, and that was hard. We discussed his current stressors, and which ones we can eliminate and which ones need a different perspective since we can't eliminate them. Some of the stress comes from his lack of time management, so we discussed how he can stop procrastinating on things that cause him anxiety.

We talked about my pregnancy and how that has changed some of our habits for now, and he said that his weight is not my problem--he gained the weight, now it's up to him to lose it. We came up with healthy snacks we both would eat, and set up a goal for him to lose 20lbs by the end of the year. That's 5lbs a month, so it's not too overwhelming. He plans on utilizing the campus gym in between classes, and he said he'd like to start packing lunches. We decided on no junk food in the house, and a lot more cooking at home. Another big thing we discussed was how we both need to be better about using food as a reward--instead we need to use experiences.

I reassured him that I still think he's awesome and attractive, and although I never want to hurt his feelings, I know how important his health is to him. He said I didn't hurt his feelings at all, and that he feels lucky to have a wife that would speak honestly with him while being supportive *blush*. He stressed again that it's not my fault, and that he is so excited to meet Ashton and be a dad. He doesn't want me to feel like I'm stressing him or that Ashton is. We hugged a long time.

Overall I feel it was a productive talk, especially since we set goals together. Results won't be immediate, but I think he feels good knowing I'm supporting him. Plus...in a few months I'll be in his shoes, and we can continue together. I was getting super emotional over thinking how sad he was earlier, but I'm ok now. I know it's not my fault, but sometimes my empathy is a really powerful force in my mind.

Thank you everyone again

brittnic86 · August 2016

My husband tends to gain and lose weight with stress. Gains when he's stressed, loses when he's not. I dunno. I have no room to talk lol. I've gained a fair amount of weight in the 10 years we've been together. I lost 50 pounds before getting pregnant though.

Does he drink? I think when DH drinks more, he weighs more. Stress related.

juliehollz13 · August 2016

From everything you've posted about and described, could it be related to stress and lack of sleep or quality of sleep? TMI, but is his digestive health OK lately? Since you said he's carrying it all in his belly and doesn't look like he gained 20lbs, it could be water weight and fluid retention. I know I can carry a good 10lbs of fluid around when I'm stressed, but I also have IBS. Maybe you could have him focus on getting restful sleep, mental/emotional well being and even a massage with an emphasis on the lymph nodes to help with stress and fluid retention before making drastic dietary changes like going vegan? It never hurts to eat healthier and exercise more, but it doesn't sound like that's the reason for his rapid weight gain.

Christinaruth74 · August 2016

@dmontgo such a wonderful update ❤️

dmontgo · August 2016

@brittnic86 He used to be a party animal, but now he rarely drinks. Sometimes he'll have a beer, but prefers to drink red wine now. We talked about snack stuff, and he said when he gets stressed or bored, he'll eat mindlessly. I do the same thing, so we're trying to make sure we have healthy snacks around. Weight loss can be very hard--congratulations on your progress!

@juliehollz13 Definitely stress related! He has IBS like me, so it's been a bit worse than normal. His poor tummy is upset a lot lately. He also tends to stay up after I go to sleep to work (part of his lack of time management), and we made a plan to go to bed at the same time so he gets quality sleep. He's been wanting to get a massage, so I'm going to budget for it next pay period. I know for me, college was one of the most stressful periods of my life because I had so much on my plate, and I'm a great student. He should graduate in the spring, so hopefully he will feel a lot better then!

@christinaruth74 We spent a lot of time walking in stores today, and now that we're back home he's going to work out. He can do it!

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