Announcing to those struggling with infertility

STM2017 · August 2016

Sorry if this should have been posted in another thread. I wasn't sure if there was a better place for this.

So I'm just seeking out some advice. Sorry, I know this is a sensitive topic.

My brother and SIL are not able to conceive right now due to some complicated health concerns with her. I know they are wanting to TTC but they physically can't right now.

So obviously announcing to them is something that's been weighing on me. My sister is also pregnant right now (15 weeks), and as exciting as it is to be pregnant with her, this is going to make it even harder on my brother and SIL.

I'm just looking for some advice as to how to tell them. We want to announce to family at 8 weeks so I am already thinking of how to tell people. I don't think it went well when we announced our pregnancy with DS, and I want this to be as positive of an experience as possible.

Sorry for the long post. Thanks in advance for your advice/suggestions!

mylittleirvz · August 2016

I'm curious others ideas as well. I have a coworker going through issues getting pregnant. They tried a year on their own with no luck, went to a dr and tried a few things with the latest being Clomid, got pregnant after 3 rounds, miscarried at 6 weeks, 2 more rounds of Clomid, got pregnant again, miscarried at 6 weeks. She is now in the beginning stages if seeing a specialist. I am SO nervous on how to tell her as her 1st one would have been due here in a couple weeks and she has really been seemingly struggling lately which is understandable.
So I am open to any and all ideas/thoughts anyone has.

blackasnight · August 2016

I think it is a good idea to tell them separately. You do not know how they are going to react. They will probably feel many different emotions.

I think it would be in poor taste to announce to them in a group setting. You want to give them the chance to process their emotions privately. Calling or texting them the news is a good way to tell them. It could be harder for them to face the news if you tell them in person.

My BFF has been trying to get pregnant for two years. I will be telling her separately over the phone to give her a chance to process before announcing to our group of friends. Of course she will be happy for me but I know she could feel a sense of jealousy or hurt or sadness.

catem07 · August 2016

I would also think of a way to give them an "out" for not expressing their congratulations right away. I'm not exactly sure how to do that tactfully.

I'd also probably send an email instead of a text, but if you never communicate with them through email don't go that route. Email just seems more thought-out and purposeful while text seems off-hand.

STM2017 · August 2016

Yes. My gut instinct is to call my brother and ask him to just tell my SIL. This is what my sister did when they announced. She said my brother was fine, but my SIL can't even look at her right now. I just feel bad because I can't even imagine how painful it's going to be for her to watch us both pregnant at the same time. She had a hard time when we announced about DS but then was absolutely amazing once he was born and I was going through some PPD. I'm sure it'll be fine in the end, I just want to make sure I'm being as sensitive as possible.

clickclackmoo · August 2016

Thanks for this post, @STM2017. I'm in a very similar situation (minus the pregnant sister). Announcing my first pregnancy over the phone to my brother went really poorly. I didn't know they were struggling at the time, and I think the news really caught him off guard. This time I'm going to send a card in the mail or an email. That way they have time to process however they are feeling before we talk. Infertility sucks, and I think everyone processes it differently. I think the best you can do is be sensitive and do your best to put yourself in their shoes (which it seems like you've already done).

mamabear2015 · August 2016

I'm not experiencing it myself but I have read on other similar posts in the past that sending them an email and just expressing that you understand that you know that it's a hard situation for them and you're okay with however they need to deal with the news and tell them when you plan on telling the rest of the family so they can prepare themselves and just ask if there's anything they need from you to help like if they'd prefer you avoid mentioning the pregnancy around them or if that would just make it worse, etc. Everyone handles these things differently so I really think asking in a gentle way that allows them to have their initial reactions is the best.

catem07 · August 2016

I like @mamabear2015's suggestions. I think email is better than a call because on the phone you're forcing them to respond to you in the moment.

mokay19 · August 2016

Coming from someone who went through a struggle trying to get pregnant, I second all the advice to tell him separately and in a situation that he and his wife can process the news alone. Hearing about a new pregnancy while you're struggling is hard and heartbreaking at times. Sometimes the people struggling just need time apart to digest it and sit and maybe mope a little bit. They will be very happy for you, but first they need to accept it.

STM2017 · August 2016

Thanks ladies! I was wondering about sending an email, I just wasn't sure if it seemed too impersonal then. If it was a friend or distant family member I might consider email more, I just thought it might seem insulting since it's my brother. But I'm not sure!

Really appreciate your suggestions!

mrsstuessy · August 2016

I definitely think an email would be appropriate. If you are close to him I would just express that you were not sure how to handle it, but thought an email might be nice so they can process it privately. I think if you explain you are just trying to protect their feelings they won't take it as an insult. If they end up feeling like an email was not necessary then it wasn't. But, better safe than sorry and I think they will understand that. @mamabear2015 was right on with the rest of things.

holzie-2 · August 2016

I second what @mokay19 said. We tried for 2.5 years before finally getting pregnant. In this time our best friend, my brother and other friends have announced they were pregnant and had their babies. Every pregnancy announcement is just a reminder that you aren't. They may not show excitement at first, just know that they will come around and are happy for you!

Legomymego55 · August 2016

I agree with telling your brother and letting him tell your SIL. That is what my BIL and SIL did for me. It gave me time to cry and be upset and have my own feelings. Then I was able to really truthfully tell them how happy I was for them. The hard part about family announcing is you cannot escape it. I couldn't unfollow my SIL on Facebook, like I had with others who had announced their pregnancies. It is a growing belly you cannot ignore.

Want a personalized experience?

Announcing to those struggling with infertility

Re: Announcing to those struggling with infertility

Choose Another Board

Search Boards